Miss Zebra"I love him... but I won't compromise."
My heart broke for my friend, but my respect for her grew as well. Last year she dated a mutual friend of ours only for a month, but it was long enough for her to fall head over heels in love. The problem? She's Christian, he's Mormon...and she realized she couldn't live with that and broke off the relationship a month into it.
Now it's a full year later. He's moved on and is dating someone else. She, on the other hand, is still hopelessly in love with him. Everything else fit between the two of them except religion. I, for one, grew up in a split religion home and it wasn't cool. I praised her for making that choice to split up even though she sincerely didn't want to. But she can't move on with anyone else either.
They're still friends, which is something I questioned her about. She said she wants to bring him to Christianity first and foremost, then maybe date him later. I understand she cares about him and wants to see him in church, but the fact she still wants to date him makes me cautious to encourage their friendship. I think she's just hurting herself even more and will find it even harder to move on with someone else with those ties still so strongly attached.
What would you do in this situation?
Would you break up with someone solely because of religious reasons?
(Note: This is not intended to be a debate about Christianity/M ormonism/any other type of religion. Please do not make it into one.)
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Comments (119)
religion defeats love, what an irony
I grew up Jewish and my last boyfriend was a Catholic. I can understand the desire to date only people of your religion, but I also realized (as did your friend, I'm sure) that you can't help who you fall in love with. I think the situation is different for every couple.
Maybe I'm just ignorant, but Christianity and Mormonism don't seem as radically different to me. I mean, they both have Jesus...but whatever. Like you said, this isn't a debate about the two religions. Then again, if your friend is Christian and she dated a Buddhist, well, I can see some definite issues there. In the future, perhaps your friend should discuss religious differences before she actually gets involved in the relationship...it's easier to walk away without any deep feelings involved.
Oh, and another thing I forgot to add..."Missionary dating," as in your friend dating that guy to help convert him, is a very bad idea! Biblically speaking, believers are forbidden to date non-believers because one could be "pulled down" by the other if they are being pressured to compromise.
In my opinion, the biggest complication that interfaith couples face is how to raise their children, if they plan on having any. But if that's not an issue for your friend right now, I still recommend not getting back together just to convert him. Her boyfriend could end up resenting her for it.
It's unfortunate that religion has to play such a huge part in relationships. I grew up Buddhist and my ex-boyfriend who was Christian had an issue with that. He couldn't see me in the long term because I couldn't share that part of his life with him.
My current boyfriend is Christian as well. He doesn't seem to have a problem with the difference in religion. But because of my past experience, I feel like there can never be a real future with him. But like "sarahzthoughts" said, you can't help who you fall in love with.
However, I think that your friend needs to move on. I'm sure there are other men out there who are Christian and more right for her.
I have to say if she is *very* religious then she can't make it work unless he converts. So, no, unless you are open and ready to learn about the other religion or culture, you shouldn't be dating someone from another religion. If she can't compromise and he can't either then it won't work out. You need to communicate *a lot* But I think it is possible to make it work. I would break up if the guy was not willing to compromise.
I would also advise her not to remain friends with him, she is having a hard time seeing him as only a friend. It is not healthy.
If his belief is in another religion, it's rude and immoral to persuade him relentlessly to go into your religion. However, if she is hurting herself to stay friends with him while he's moved on already.
I think breaking up with someone over religion is one of the stupidest things you can do. If you truly care about someone, why does it matter if you believe in two different theologies?
About the only time I could really see it becoming a problem is with marriage. And by marriage I mean if one of the partners is hell-bent on having it witnessed in the eyes of God in a church. Which is silly, because God is always watching you, regardless if you're in a church or not.
Also, I don't see the problem with growing up in a split religion house. I'd find it interesting to be able to grow up learning about two different theologies. I'm still unsure if my children will grow up with religion or not, since (going by my current relationship) I'm not religious (or Christian, really) and neither is my boyfriend.
She's also being rude, inconsiderate, and further damaging her chances of being with this person that she "loves" by trying to "convert" him. If he's happy with his religious beliefs, nothing can sway him from them. I'm assuming she's Catholic, since being "Christian" would encompass Mormonism, and she needs to realize that not everyone wants to belong to a cruel, unforgiving, pedophile filled religious sect. By trying to shove it down his throat, she's proving just how intolerant she really is, and it's more than likely not something that appeals to him (religiously or as a girlfriend). She should move on and find someone just as religious as she is, in the same sect, to go breed with.
Your friend absolutely made the right decision.
I'm a Catholic, born and raised in the United States. My ex was a Pakistani Muslim who came to America when he was 11. We were friends for nearly two years in college before we began dating.
Our entire relationship was a nightmare. Because he was coming from such a different cultural and religious background than I was, he didn't feel obligated to respect my beliefs in the least--to him, as a man and as a Muslim, everything about him was superior to everything about me, a Christian woman. When I refused to bend to his will--to dress as he wished me to, to befriend or cut off those he saw as fit or unfit (including members of my own family), to eat or not eat certain things at certain times, to worship in his way rather than in my own, so on and so on--I was beaten mercilessly, threatened with having my throat cut, or with him killing himself and making me watch. I finally got out--after being his prisoner, slave and punching bag for four and a half years.
I made a decision right then and there that I would never again date someone who wasn't a Christian. And, thank God, by refusing to be "unequally yoked" to someone who doesn't believe the same things about Christ that I do, I found a Christian man. He's not Catholic--he's more of a non-denominational type of Christian--but he attends church with me and shares my core beliefs. Because of that, when we've had problems in our relationship from time to time, as all couples do, all I need to do is open the Bible for answers. Like when I caught him viewing pornography once: all I had to do to make him see that his behavior was wrong was to show him Matthew 5:27-28, and he knew immediately that by looking at other women with lust, he was being unfaithful to me, his future wife. If he wasn't a Christian, it would have been just his opinion against mine--and we would have had no means to resolve the issue in a way that would give us both peace.
I will be praying for your friend to find resolution regarding her feelings for this man, and that God will provide her with a better mate. I know a "better" mate is probably something she can't imagine when she's so in love with this other man. But like my best girlfriend said before she met her husband, back when she was dating someone else, "I know he's "the best", but I don't know if he's God's best for me." As wonderful as this Mormon man might have been, if he doesn't share your friend's beliefs, then he's not God's best for her. Here's praying that her heart will be open to God's best for her so she can know happiness in love rather than loneliness.
Two religions in a relationship tends not to work unless the two people involved value each other more than their respective religions since religions themselves do not tend to fully respect other religions and so feel the need to dominate one another when it comes to marriage. Whew! Too long a sentence, I know. But been there, done that.
I was once a disaffected Christian who married a Muslim and converted just because he insisted. With all his good religious intentions, he took from my life all that I valued except for him and that became of very limited worth in the long run since he turned out to be all about his religion and nothing else. In the end, I went from loving him to truely and completly resenting him. Hate is perhaps too strong a word. I just know I would never consider converting for anyone but myself ever again. Belief for any other reason is patently false and forced. Not good.
Tell your friend that: leave religion out of it, or it's just better to avoid marriage with the guy entirely. Who knows though? he or she may leave religion on their own someday and then it won't be there to divide them anymore. It could happen. Miracles happen every day after all.
What would you do in this situation?
Would you break up with someone solely because of religious reasons?
What I would do is to show him I love him, religion or not. Love is here..it doesn't come easily..
I would never , also, try to persuade him to believe in my religion. That's just so selfish. My parents always say you better date a catholic! WHAT THE HELL FOR????? If I love him, I love him - that's all it matters.
I'm not gonna let something simple get to me.
This just makes me shake my head.
If she was unable to bend at all on her faith to be with someone she loves, then there is an issue with her belief.
If I was in her situation, I would get over myself and just be with who makes me happy.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - I resent this, I am Catholic! I have never tried to shove anything down anyone's throats plus your statement is horrible! Criminals like that exist in people from all religions.
I am/was(?) with a Muslim man. It never really is an issue till you have kids. That is truly what I think. You really won't understand it until you realize how many things you want to pass down to your children. It is just simpler to date within your religion.
And Muslim men believe your kids *have* to be their religion, there is no other way to be with him than to compromise there. Unless he is not that much into his beliefs. Also they don't eat pork and meat has to be prepared a certain way and bought in special places. It *is* an everyday thing! I have been there, still there and again- simpler to date within your own religion and culture.
I'm considering ending things with my boyfriend, even though we get along really well.
He's Christian, and I'm agnostic-atheist. I know I could never raise chilren knowing that my partner would be preaching his religion to them. And obviously I don't just get into relationships for the fun of it ... I look toward the long-term.
Strangely, my parents (Catholic mother and Atheist father) seem to get along well. The thing is, though, my dad completely ignores religion and doesn't care about it. He allowed my Mom to raise us Catholic and just stayed out of it.
I simply wouldn't be able to do that!!
I had gone through something similar this past spring. It was heartbreaking, but we had both decided it was ultimately for the best. At first, it was terrible. My heart shattered and I felt that no one would ever be able to make me feel the way he did. Time passed and I learned that the world moves on.
I really don't think it's good idea for your friend to still be good friends with this guy. Though I'm sure he means no harm, she really is only hurting herself as you said. If she still wants to be friends with him, she should give herself some time to try new things.
I think dating with two different religions can work but only if neither partner interprets his/her religion to teach that you can only date other people within the same religion. If you believe you should not do something and then you do, you will just create tension.
And if marriage enters the picture, you need to have a serious talk about what will happen if you have children before you make that commitment. You might think you don't want children, but sometimes accidents happen.
the real problem is when you want to have children or unite the 2 families.
@tequila_sky@xanga - Are you the person in question? Did I say you specifically shove your religion down people's throats? No, so chill out. I know pedophiles exist in people of all races, genders, and religions, but Catholicism is most known for it, hence my statement. It may be horrible, but it's my opinion, and I cannot be shamed into retracting it because it isn't poltically correct. Some of the most intolerant, cruel, judgmental people I have ever known or come into contact with are Catholic, hiding behind a "Christian" label. Being "Christian" isn't about converting others, it's about loving and accepting the people of the world for who they are, even if they have dissenting opinions or differing beliefs.
@silence_of_words@xanga - Boy, no kidding...That's pretty upsetting to me.
@Beautiful_Disaster_74@xanga - Just because a man is Muslim does not mean that he will physically/emotionally/mentally abuse you. I'm Buddhist and my long-term bf is Muslim. I agree with the poster above that this has the potential to become an issue if and when we decide to get married and have kids, but for now the difference in religious beliefs has not been a problem. We are both very open-minded and accepting of this difference, and are interested in learning about the other's religion.
Being Buddhist, dating someone (or rather not dating someone) for their religious beliefs was never really a problem for me. However I don't think its healthy to keep his presence around if she's still in love with him after a year and is practically plotting to convert him to make it work.
Its very inconsiderate to his feelings and I think she's being selfish is attempting it.
@Beautiful_Disaster_74@xanga - Also, in reply to:
"Because of that, when we've had problems in
our relationship from time to time, as all couples do, all I need to do
is open the Bible for answers. Like when I caught him viewing
pornography once: all I had to do to make him see that his behavior was
wrong was to show him Matthew 5:27-28, and he knew immediately that by
looking at other women with lust, he was being unfaithful to me, his
future wife. If he wasn't a Christian, it would have been just his
opinion against mine--and we would have had no means to resolve the
issue in a way that would give us both peace."
That has to be one of the most stupid things I've ever read. Just because a man is not Christian doesn't mean he can't distinguish right from wrong. Maybe you just need to set your bar higher when choosing men, i.e. avoiding men who hit you and prefer porn over you. Religion is a wonderful thing, but being so dependent upon it to resolve every little problem for you is not a good way to live.
@Beautiful_Disaster_74@xanga - None of his flaws reflect being Muslim, stop trying to denounce the Islamic faith. In short, like everyone else says, you're an idiot.
@irishgrrl690@xanga - yeah it is, but can't do a lot about it, can ya?
@silence_of_words@xanga - Not without making this into a religious debate, no. *sigh*
First off, Mormons consider themselves to be Christian and by definition (the fact that they believe Jesus Christ to be their lord and savior), they are. If anything, I would think he would've had the problem dating her because Mormons can't marry non-Mormons in the temple, and if they don't marry in the temple, they essentially are not Mormon anymore. Or at the very least, they won't be together for eternity in heaven.
Anyway, it's hard to date if your faiths are different, especially if you don't respect the other person's beliefs and are constantly trying to convert them. After all, if it got serious, how would you raise your children? Although I think it is good for children to be exposed to different religions. But when you believe your religion is the only correct religion, I can see where it might be considered a moral problem of how to raise your children if you're two different faiths.