This is a guest blog submitted by righteousthang.Why is it that when a person finds out their BF/GF has been messing around with someone else, they automatically blame the someone else?
I mean, it's not the Someone Else's fault at all because a) there's a chance Mr./Ms. Someone Else didn't know the person they were messing with was taken and b) even if the someone else did know, it's their choice in their lives to pursue a Someone Taken. You can't change how they choose to live their lives and the decisions they choose to make, however stupid those decisions may be. They're not at fault here; your SO is! Hello, your SO is the one to knowingly betray you, not the Someone Else.
Your SO is the one who has the commitment obligation to you, not the Someone Else.
Your SO is the one you trusted with your heart, not the Someone Else.
Your SO doesn't have an excuse like the Someone Else does. They could have said no; it's not like they were forced into cheating.
So, if you're going to kick anyone's ass/hate/try to sabotage their life/forever give the cold shoulder to/forgive for it, it really shouldn't be the Someone Elses.
But what baffles me is why so many don't quite grasp this concept and still aim for the Someone Else. I have never been the Someone Else in such a situation, but I have been cheated on; though my first urge was to destroy the other woman, I managed to direct any blame where it belonged, not harm anyone, and then get over it.
Do you think it should be the fault of both parties or just your SO ?
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Comments (230)
I've personally been in both shoes. I was the one that was cheated on in one situation....in another situation, I was the someone else. I think where the blame lies depends on the situation. If the someone else knew about it, then they're both to blame. If the someone else had no clue, then ur SO is to blame. Either way....your SO is at fault.....
It's your SO's fault.
It's the fault of your SO.
The other person should probably not do it, but yah, can't blame them.
Exception would be when you know the other person better than a stranger, or he/she's even your friend. In that case, he/she shouldn't be doing anything like that, because it's one of the most asshole-ish moves ever
I did already answer this on your personal blog, but for everyone else my response is:
Depends who the other person is. If it's
your best friend sleeping with your S.O. then I think they are both to
blame. If it's someone random you've never met, then all blame falls on
your S.O.
@dafeelingsinside@xanga - Totally agreed... I would respect a person if she's taken and I would not let her cheat on her SO... since I would never want to be cheated on...
What goes around comes around... if you do it today, you may end up being the victim some other day...
I just hope that people have more morals...
Cheating is always 100% the fault of the cheater; there's no excuse for it. If they're dissatisfied with the relationship for any reason, they can leave honestly.
Thank you! SO many people fail to realize that they should be upset with their boyfriend/girlfriend...THAT'S the person who hurt you, that's the person who betrayed your trust, and that's the person who obviously doesn't respect you...nothing bothers me more than girls who take back their boyfriends like nothing happened, but make the other woman's life a living hell because of it.
Crazy people.
Thanks SO much for this one!!!! I've cheated when I was still in high school...and I've been cheated on (and I did the appropriate thing, I broke up with his ass and refused to speak to him till I was over it)...but mostly, I've been the someone else. And, let me tell you, I get it way worse than he does. Whoever the girl may be...she always just clings to him tighter and starts crap with me...I had to take one girl to court because she wouldn't stop harrassing me (and I had changed my phone number 2 times because of her). The appropriate thing to do is to dump the person who broke the committment to you and move on to someone better...not spend your days sticking around with someone you no longer trust and mostly don't even like, just to spite the someone else.
As a former someone else, I was mortified when I found out that he was actually with someone... by mortified I was pissed, and by pissed, I mean my heart shattered..
So when he decided to stay with his girlfriend, I did nothing but hang my head in shame, however I refused to leave his life until we cut one deal.
He had to tell her the truth of what happened between him and I.. and if he didn't tell her, I would, and I wouldn't be as gentle as he would about it.. No, it would come in a phone call, an e-mail, or some awful text message.. He told her and he was honest.. she hates me, and that's fine...
I just often wonder why she stayed with him after he admited nearly falling in love with someone else in her absence...
What baffles me are the people who don't see it coming. Like they had no clue that would ever happen. If they are cheating on you, it's because you aren't giving them everything they need, in some way, shape or form.
@haloed@xanga - Blaming the victim? That's messed up.
If someone wants to cheat, that's their choice. On top of that, if there is something missing or wrong, it's the cheater's responsibility to do something about it or leave and NOT be a scumbag and cheat.
@haloed@xanga - Wait, wait. So you're saying it's YOUR fault you're being cheated on? So instead of talking about fixing things, you cheat? Very adult.
@haloed@xanga - Wow, that's a horrible horrible thing to say. Sometimes that might be true, but more often than not, the cheater just lacks self-control. Humans are not monogamous by nature, and it's not easy to stay faithful to someone for a long period of time (ie a lifetime). And in the case that someone is not getting everything they need in a relationship, they should talk to their spouse about it and try to work it out rather than seeking what they need elsewhere. Relationships require work and compromise - that's something people don't seem to realize anymore. Now it's all about "me me me" and "am I being satisfied?" GROW UP! Communicate. Work hard to maintain your relationship - you've put so much time and energy into it already, why just let it fall apart? And remember that there are two people in a relationship. Two. Not one. It's not just "me" it's "us." And I have cheated on someone before. And yes, I didn't feel that I was getting what I needed out of the relationship. But that's no excuse for cheating. I did it because I lacked self-control. Me cheating had nothing to do with what I wasn't getting out of my relationship - it was me finding an outlet for my anger. I should've just ended the relationship but I wasn't strong enough to do that. Cheaters are weak. They lack the strength to communicate their problems and they lack the strength to end bad relationships. Never blame the ones who've been cheated on.
As for this entry, I think it was a great point! While I certainly would not view the other person in a positive light if they knew that they were with someone who was taken, it is 100% the SO's fault. They could've said no, but they didn't. So I agree with this entry completely.
I was going to say both at first, but then I thought about it and you're kinda right in that people are allowed to pursue whoever they want. The SO is definitely more at fault
I recently had a "relationship" end with Someone Taken. His girlfriend didn't find out, and isn't blaming anyone (even though I think he needs to tell her, for the sake of their relationship - but that's not my place.) He keeps apologizing for putting me in the situation, and feels bad that it had to end up this way. In my case, he is definitely the one who started it all. He came to me, he kissed me, he continues kissing me, for over 2 months. However, I consider myself just as much to blame as him, ironically. I could have said no. I could have stopped him. I knew all along that he had a girlfriend, yet I let it continue.
Now I'm not saying that in every situation the Other Woman is to blame, every situation is different, obviously. But for me, I'd be willing to take the blame, because I do feel like I could have prevented it, and I didn't. Luckily (??) he didn't get caught, this time.
@haloed@xanga - I am sorry to hear that... if the person is not giving what his/her SO need/want... a discussion must be done... if still not solved then the SO should leave first before looking for someone else...
One should not look around when taken...
Once again, Morals...
In terms of cheating, finding out who to point the blame is pretty tricky, but either way, the ending remains the same rightfully: get rid of him, because he either is not happy or isn't completely clear of his ways and preferences.
The person commited the crime, but why? Is it to get back or because there is something s/he wants that you aren't giving. But if the relationship is rushed without knowing, that is the only time it's both the couple's fault.
To clarify that...I'm a faithful person, but only when the relationship isn't at all forced or if the relationship is not quite a happy one. That's the general idea for all relationships. Not happy? Rectify the situation, or shush and grit your teeth.
As for the other wo/man, the one thing they are at fault for is not being aware of or taking into consideration the fact that the person is probably taken.
Hopefully that makes sense.
I think it depends on the situation. Like you said if the other person doesn't know that I don't see it being their fault at all. Also sometimes people lie to the other person and convince them that its okay for them to cheat. There is a time that I can see the other person holding blame and that is when the person goes out of their way to make the other person cheat. I have known several girls that get off on getting a guy to cheat. They will badger the guy for weeks or even months, trying to seduce him. They will even do things like make sure to be at parties that the guys will be at alone to try to get at them drunk. Some people with real grudges against the SO will even purposely get the person drunk or intoxicated by other means, just to get at them while pretending to be friends, just to hurt their SO.
@lmflazyjai1984@xanga - Agreed 100%, but I mean if they do end up being the cheating kind, you have to look at what you're doing wrong as well. They looked elsewhere for a reason.
If the Someone Else knew they were messing with someone involved, they are just as much to blame. If you chose to mess with someone taken, unless you are completely unaware of human emotions, you know you are hurting another person. If you go ahead with something knowing that it hurts someone else, you are to blame for their hurt.
If the someone else honestly didn't know, then it really is only the SO's fault. He/she was not being honest with either of you and has not behaved honorably toward either of you.
And as to the idea that if someone cheats on you, it's at least partially your fault because you didn't give them something they needed: I don't buy that. At all. It's such a cop-out.
If you aren't getting something you need, either you tell the person or you get out of the relationship. If you can't communicate your basic needs with each other, it can't be that good a relationship.
I agree with what you guys are saying - SO is to blame.
But here's a question for you guys: How do you let someone know that they are blaming the wrong person?
I have a guy friend in this situation.. its been more than half a year since he and his ex broke up because she cheated on him and she's still with the guy. Problem is, he still blames the other guy - entirely! So how do I let him know that maybe his SO was at fault too (without making him angry I guess since he really thought she was "the one")?
@haloed@xanga - If there is a problem, yes... but then some people just like to look for extras/more than what they already have... it may not be a fault on the person who was cheated on... I had been in situation like that before, the girl just wants more than 1 bf... which really got on my nerves
@Miss_Independent - I think your friend still loves her a lot... that's why he's blaming the guy who took her away... Give your friend some time, when he gets over her he will start realizing that is his SO that is at fault...
@Miss_Independent - He wants to know why... I think he does have the right to... If he thinks he can handle the situation and see her, let him do it... at least it will clear a lot of question marks in his head... You may want to ask him how was it but never push any questions if he does not want to talk about it...
If I were him, I would like to know why my girl left me for another guy...
Hope it helps~
It's first and foremost the SO's fault. You can't exactly PROVE that the someone else knew your SO was taken, but for obvious reasons, your SO can't NOT know.
You don't have to like the Someone Else, but you can't treat your SO like they're passive in the whole cheating thing. They're the aggressor, and they're the ones you should be pissed at.