This is a guest blog submitted by silent_screams_forever.I recently got a call from one of my very best friends of many years; this call shocked me to the core and I'm still reeling from it. She called to tell me that her new husband - of a little less than a year - had head butted her and broke her nose. This blow caused her face so much trauma that she'll have to have surgery.
I sat there with a blank stare on my face just wondering how much this supposedly smart, well-balanced, level-headed woman will take. I just couldn't imagine taking anymore from my spouse if that sort of thing happened...that's when this question reared its ugly head:
When does "I'm going to fix you" become obsolete?
Over the last few years, I've noticed an overwhelming number of women my age who just can't wait to hook themselves someone that is horrible for them. I have had several friends who have dated/married guys that ended up being the world's worst nightmares, turning into those people that beat their wives and compromise the lives of their children for their own personal gain. I've watched all these women sit there and take it, proclaiming that they can fix their loved ones and that they can handle it, but when does it become to much? When does "fixing" become this kamikaze quest to make this man into what you just know he'll be if he'd just relent to your womanly magic?
It reminds me of all those psychology classes that talked about
Stockholm Syndrome, where you take a beatin' and keep coming back because you just don't know how to not come back. Is this what all these women are doomed to do? Trying to fix their lives, marriages, spouses.. and they end up with an irreversible malady. I think it's horrible unfair.. you try to fix your man, turn him to the right course and you end up scared..
I, too, have fallen into the snare of the "I'm going to fix you" trap; I still have this empty hole in my chest from what that man did to me. It's been at least 2 years since that relationship and now I'm married to a great man that would never, EVER think about doing anything remotely the same to me...
I took this raw form of a human, this person that hadn't even begun to see the world and I showed him all his potential. I helped him through his aches and pains of leaving home, all the things in life he was used to...I fed him, helped find him a job and a car, apartment, and pay his bills. By the time they grow up, realize what they can be and what they can do, they dump you and move on so quickly that you are lying on your bum asking yourself what happened.
I was lucky that this person wasn't violent or so unwilling to change at first. I didn't have one of those people that bludgeons you half to death.. I just saw the potential in this person and knew that I could do it; I just knew that I could change him and that he'd be mine and life would be grand..
My friend hasn't been that lucky, she hasn't been half as lucky, even a tiny smidgen as lucky.. to just holds on to this person that she knows is bad with the worlds "I'm going to change him" on her lips..
What keeps us coming back to the conclusion that we can fix the men we love...what makes us even think that we can? When is it just obsolete?
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Comments (51)
lol, i'm going to fix you. sounds like sylar.
a person keeps coming back because they don't want all their past efforts to be "for nothing." they don't know how to cut their losses and go.
maybe they also hope that if he's "broken," then no other girl will want him and so he'll never leave her.
relationships are hard
he head- butted her?!?! and broke her nose?
SHE NEEDS TO BREAK UP WITH HIM. please..
I think we all have different pasts and experiences and we all are able
to take different amounts of pain. No one is perfect, we all want and aspire
to be better human beings. Maybe we think that the guy will change one
day, learn his lesson. Or try to. You also don't want to throw it all away,
there is loyalty. You can't just leave at the first sign of trouble...
You compromise.
I think it is only some people
compromise to a degree that *you* can't imagine. We all have different limits/boundaries. That person must get
something from the relationship, and you don't understand what it is,
but that doesn't mean he doesn't give her anything. It is very complex,
but she is gonna have to realize it for herself. I just hope that everything turns out for the best for her.
If she doesn't want to leave him at least convince her to call the police next time round. He needs to know the extent of what he is doing to her. Convince her that she needs to stop protecting him from the consequences of his actions otherwise he is just gonna keep doing it. He needs to hit rock bottom to start changing.
I don't believe you can change other people at all. It's like rehab--unless a person is endangering themselves, you can't force them to admit themselves. The reason is that they have to want to change in order to change. It's the same thing with relationships. You can't make your significant other into the person you want them to be. You have to either accept them for who they are and try to find a balance of each of your unique personalities to make things work, or you have to realize that this is not the right person for you and leave. Now, I'm not saying you can't express your feelings and ENCOURAGE them to change. You certainly can do that. But if it isn't something they themselves want to do, it won't happen. So after a certain amount of time, you just have to let go if it's a "problem" that you're not willing to live with permanently (I put problem in quotations because, really, it's their personality...it's only inconvenient to you, not to them. So who's to say that it's really a problem? It's just not what you prefer).
Now, as far as your friend...she definitely needs to leave her husband. She's putting her life in danger by staying with him. You should point this out to her.
I second Tina's response!
@immaairheadxl@xanga -
^ And perhaps speak with the police lmao.
You can't fix some people, like tina said. They have to change themselves. <3 Saw movies
@Luketh@xanga - and restraining order, too.
ahh, i love saw!!!
As badly as we (women) wants to change guys that we date/marry, it's usually always obsolete. Why? Because they have to want to change themselves. If they don't want it, then all efforts are in vain.
I learned this from experience. I used to have a really bad habit of dating guys with issues and then trying to change them. It was an unconcious thing, but I realize it now.
Your friend needs to kick this guy to the curb...maybe even press charges. That's terrible. She needs to find someone who won't even think about doing shit like that.
I think that we are becoming too sympathetic (politically correct etc) and in that losing respect for ourselves. And when that happens it has gone too far. Why would anyone be ok with their nose being broken by someone else? What the fuck?
That person needs help from a professional and until they can treat other people with respect, they can't be hurting others and that woman has to leave for his sake.
Kaia
Well we can certainly try! ;)
@immaairheadxl@xanga - ahaha. Which is your fav one though ;P
One thing I can never understand are those women who get beat, and yet they stick with their partner because they 'love' them. It boggles my mind.
@Luketh@xanga - i don't understand any of the story lines though :(
OH MY GOD. MY FRIEND IS IN THAT SITUATION ..I JUST FOUND OUT..i'm telling her get the fuck out.. LOVE BLINDS YOU.
It's only possible to help "fix" someone we love if they themselves are willing to become a better person. 'Cause otherwise, it's not going to be a fruitless effort.
I'm sorry to hear that about your friend.. That's ridiculous that he would headbutt her.. seriously?! He needs to grow up. Unfortunately, it sounds like she won't leave him.. That's what hurts us the most. When we see our close friends want to stick around for those they love despite how hurt they end up getting both physically & emotionally. She's lucky she has a friend like you. :)
@immaairheadxl@xanga - Oh lmao. They're hardly storylines rly. Not much to understand, though I got lost in 3 and 4 rofl. Me and a friend talked about it for a good while about what the hell happened LOL.
yah it does blind you unfortunately. Some people just believe that the person will change, given time. Hopefully she realises to get the fuck out, taking your advice :|.
Love really does blind you. I know I am a smart girl, but there was a point in one of my past relationships where I was completely blinded by it. No matter how much he treated me like shit, I always thought that I could change him.
I quickly learned that you can't change someone. I cut my losses and left, and I never looked back no matter how hard he pleaded. Since I decided to leave, I have never been happier. :)
@Luketh@xanga - Love is a very strong emotion, especially when coupled with fear. Abusive relationships are rarely only founded upon love.
To the OP:
Everyone wants to believe that they can and will have a positive effect/influence on another's life. That's why there's a constant struggle for change.
It becomes obsolete when you have turned into a run down, broken out, exhausted mess (both physically and psychologically). Sadly, when one reaches such a point it's become such a norm that it isn't viewed as "obsolete", just another fact of life.
Your friend should kick him to the curb. She probably won't. If she refuses to, someone should step in. At that point, it's no longer a matter of "saving the relationship" or "changing the man" - it's a matter of her safety.
Love makes you do crazy things.. but there are other factors that may be the reason she is staying..
perhaps she's trapped.. she's not financially independent and will have no where to go if she leaves him..he's threatening and may even say that he'll come after her if she leaves him.
there are too many things we do not know about the situation..
But it does beg for attention. She should not be with someone who abuses her..whether it is the first or second blow..no matter how you dress it up, it is still domestic violence. He needs help and she needs to get the hell out of there.. Even with all that love, she can not change someone like him. He needs professional help.
"A woman who expects a man to change is a fool; and a man who expects a woman to stay the same is a fool."
I don't always agree with this quote but it worked nicely here, I think. :)
@Tina_Kushnu@xanga - I uh... third. lol
If you want to train a living creature to your likings, get a puppy. I would find it insulting. "Oh you have potential, but I'm going to have to fix you first." I'm not broken. I am who I am and know the areas that need some work but they are mine to deal with.
Tell your friend to get out now, file a restraining order and never talk to the guy again if she wants to live. He will kill her.
Fixing is impossible. Even if it looks like progress is being made, if it's real growth, it's growth they're doing because they want to, not because you're "fixing" them. Also, "fixing" implies some one is "broken". Who wants to commit to some one who is broken? Certainly not me.
If you try to fix your partner, you're putting yourself through hell because no matter how much you try to fix, bend, and shift them to the way you want them to be, you never can because it's not your decision to make. Your partner has to willingly choose to change for it to happen otherwise you'll just end up being disappointed time after time. I also think that if you constantly try to fix your partner, it's not a really good sign for the relationship. If you can't accept that part of them even if you try then maybe that person isn't right for you. And some people don't think they deserve better or they feel that they won't be able to find someone better so they continue to stay in the relationship just to fill their emotional needs.
But NEVER think that you're not good enough or that you don't deserve better because you do. If your friend is not satisfied with her relationship, she has the right to leave. I know eventually she will find someone who she's able to love, respect, and accept despite of their flaws. No one is perfect...we just have to figure out the things we can accept and the things that we can't.
Men like that are so nasty. I'm only 16, mind you, and I've never dealt with the abuse of a spouse, but I have certainly watched it happen from the sidelines and it's not pretty.
People, particularly women, say "I'm going to change you." What I do not understand, is that you love this person, no? You fell in love with the person that is your potential "modeling clay". So what is there to change? You want to change them to be something that they are not, but you fell in love with the person that they currently are. So what did you fall in love with?
I don't want to dig myself into a hole, I just think that sometimes women are very, may I say - naive. They believe that their spouse is Mr. Wonderful, but do they really know him? They may know the man that is in public (more so, they know the man that is there all the time), but do they know the man that is reserved within the depths of the subconcious? Do they know how he is going to act in a fit of rage or if he becomes intoxicated? Can every women honestly say that they know that man? No, not every woman.
As for your friend, my best solution would be reporting him to the police, there's not much more that she can do.
I can't say that I am aware of all that goes on in a relationship, being that I have been single for all of the 16 years that I have lived, but this is just what I think.
-Chew
Your friend needs to break up with him before he ends up killing her....
I believe that most women who stick around those types of guys who are horribly wrong for them, just have a low self-esteem.
Lack confidence in themselves therefore attaching themselves to the abusive jerks, for fear of never being able to find someone else.
It's sad that it's easier for women to cheat and/or leave a guy because she thinks he's "boring."
But when it comes to an abusive-jerk-type-guy, women cling on those those guys for dear life.
People can't be "fixed"......
I believe that you can influence someone to change.
But people will only change on their own time. Sometimes it takes a
certain event to happen(dramatic/traumatic experience)before someone
changes.....
Sadly in most cases.....abusive people tend not to change...
change is possible, but only when that person realize that it is necessary to change. even if he's willing to change and have changed for his spouse, as soon as he thinks it's not necessary, he will transform back to his old self and the nightmare starts all over again.