This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader. I'll turn 22 this month and I am currently talking to a guy who is 44.
Now, I came into the dating world a little slowly. I'd rather date a guy closer to my age range, but it seems impossible to find him. I have tried and been rejected so many times.
When I was 19, I was working at Wal-Mart stocking toilet paper and a guy came up to me and asked if I would go out with him - he told me he was 45. I like chatting online with random people, and there was a guy who liked me who was 37.
I like several guys back at school and their ages range from 21-23, but they all are either taken, looking for someone besides me or married.
So, Xanga/Datingish, what do you think? Am I just meant to be with older men? Or is love really not for me?
Comments (50)
NO! You are not destined to, you will find a guy! Um, I have no idea why the guys are rejecting you, other than first impressions. Um, maybe you need to look at what your ''look'' is saying about you... Old guys try it on, you don't have to go out with them!
The difference is too big and you don't sound happy to be dating older guys.
Ask yourself, what is it about these men that makes you attracted to them?
Is it the fact that they're more likely to financially stable?
Mature?
Mysterious and "different" to the people you are often around?
Answer those questions, and you will probably be able to answer your original question.
It is commonly reported that women mature faster than men do, so it is quite possible that if the 20-somethings that you interact with most often are highly immature, you will be attracted to those men who are mature... and that normally comes with older men who have been able to experience the world and "grow up".
Plus, you're in your 20s: going higher to date isnt necessarily a bad thing, though one note of caution: make sure that you will not come across as a "gold-digger", because that is one sure-fire way of killing a relationship before it even starts and/or having to endure snide comments from the other people in your life who know your situation.
So, no, in general it's not such a bad thing - just look at Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher! ( I realise that the age difference in this situation is reversed).
Hope this ramble makes any kind of sense, and good luck!
hey im not an love expert or anything, but hope my comment would make you feel any better.
im 20 and i've been around guys from 26-32. (may be not as extreme as your case but anyway). when i started telling my best frd about it, the first thing she said to me was, "May be you just feel more secure with older guys, since you dont have a father." (my parents got divorced before i was even born). she said i wanted to be taken care of or something.
well im not sure about you.but as for me, i would love to have a gd bf silmilar to my age but there's just no one at the moment yet. and sometimes...or most of the time, girls are more mature than the boys at the same age so we tend to look for older guys.
but i mean, you just 22, and that's kinda young to say you are meant to be with old guys. may be you dont have to rush looking for a younger guy if those ones you like are taken by somebody else. you never know who you will meet tomorrow right?
but if you do feel right to be with older guys and you are sure that they are really care about you, there is really no reasons to resist that, is there?
im not so sure what im saying, but what im trying to do is to keep my options open and may be focus on something else first, so is study and friends for me.
anyway dunno if any of that helps, but good luck~!
feel free to comment back on my xanga =>
www.xanga.com/miiasoey
chao
xx Miiasoey
I have the same problem as you, except my last 3 gf's were older. I'm 26 btw. In my opinion, I think that girls are my age are not mature enough. Hence the older gf's. I came to realize that I expect too much, you know, I have high standards. Perhaps you have really high standards that the guys your age can not meet and only the older men can. Perhaps maybe it's the scenes that you visit that are loaded with older men or immature younger guys. Try changing your scene a bit. Maybe that might help.
Not sure if this will help but take it easy. No need to rush.
To answer both of your questions, IMO - NO!! Absolutely, positively, NO, you are not "meant" to be with older men, and no, love is not rejecting you (rather, it is for you ... but I don't think you're going to find it looking at guys old enough to be your father.) I completely empathize with not being able to find guys your own age (I'm 22 as well and am in the same boat with male interaction.) However - I think you're giving up too early. I totally understand that being rebuffed by men can be very hurtful, but I don't think that entails looking to men who aren't even in the same age bracket as you - not necessarily only because they're so old but also because y'all are not in the same place in life right now - where's the compatability? Anyway - do what you want to, but I think dating older men is setting yourself up for either a sugar daddy relationship or heartache in the long run.
You're 22 and he's 44. Let me tell you a secret, he wants to be with you for the sex, not for a serious relationship. If I was 44 and single I'd love to score a 22 year old girl for a booty call. To a 44 year old guy, a 22 year old girl, even if she's average looking, is hot to them. It's a conquest thing. And at his age he's got all the patience in the world to swoon you and make like he's interested in everything about you.
well im really not a experts of love or pimps out there but i know that girls would definitely go for older guys because they much more mature and they know what they want..i guess is the security..dating a older guy is like the trend rite now for the girls lols...I totally understand about someone ur age, the right person will come along dont' matter what age he is. Good luck!!!!
@roxics@xanga - that's right, man ;) i agreeee.
hold up, 44 and still wantin' booty calls? and not settled yet? wtf? where are you finding these guys.
You have to ask yourself what kinds of relationships you're forming with these older men. Every relationship has some sort of ultimate point of some sort and if you're not seeing any points of love, then you should really reconsider the whole "am I just meant to be with older men" notion. Maybe you are meant to be with older men, but for what purpose?
I would say that *love* takes all ages.
However, you do have to be careful about what roxics@xanga was saying. When you're still very young and attractive, and he's very old, that's always a consideration.
Otherwise, if you're sure this isn't him using you for youthful sexual favors, relax. If you really like their company, blah blah blah, there's nothing wrong with dating an older man.
@immaairheadxl@xanga -
Depends on the guy but seriously what 44 year old guy is looking to settle down with a girl half his age? Guys are driven by sex even into their old age, hence the term "dirty old man". But most guys learn to temper those feelings as they get older and settle down. They become a lot more subtle about what they say and do.
But if he has the desire (married or not) and she appears to give into him by talking with him and entertaining the idea, then of course he'll try to reel her in. 44 is not that old for booty calls if he's single.
@roxics@xanga - True.
That's definitely something to keep in mind.
You're not "meant" to be with a certain age group. I think it just takes time to really click with the right one. If he so happens to be quite "older" but he's mature, intelligent, experienced, fun, and cares for you a whole lot, then there's nothing wrong with that picture. It's just the same as if you found a guy around your age for those qualities. Also, like someone have mentioned before, you should consider changing your scene a bit; you're obviously not satisfied.
I'm going to take a not so negative approach to this. I'm 19 and dating a 32 year old. Is it weird, Yes, but its working for us. It's very specific to you and the guy. You should be careful because he may just want sex from you but you still never know. there's nothing wrong with dating older. If it does bug you then just focus on the guys your age and keep pursing it until something happens. You are still young so you have time to find someone :)
@roxics@xanga - 44: I still think this should be the age where you should be beyond settled..why go searching for younger girls? Whoa.
just because it isn't the social norm doesn't make it wrong.
i think that if you like dating older men its cool there is nothing wrong with dating olde men. Love comes to a person when they are ready for it not when you think you are ready for it so just chill have fun meet new people and just go along with it. who knows maybe dating older guys are just goning to lead you to the love of your life. Don't worry sometimes you need to lose everyting to find that 1 thing that is worth everything you lost. Everything in life has a meaning, trust me its just hard to understand what the meaning is sometimes and you'll have your ups and downs but these thing just show us the way the thing is just chill and wait for your Principe Azul that he will get there sooner or later.
You're being accepted by old men because of your youth, nothing more nothing less (in a vast majority of cases).
Duh.
@roxics@xanga - That's creepy. But true =x
@roxics@xanga - I agree...I've had older guys hit on me before-like when I was 18, I had a 30 year old that I'd never even met in person trying to get with me, telling me "Age is just a number, blah blah blah". He gave me a really nasty feeling so I stopped talking to him. Now I'm not saying that all older guys are like this by any means, but please be cautious...don't get yourself into a bad situation. Always listen to your gut.
Now to answer your initial question: No, I don't think you're meant to be with older guys...that's silly :P. You just haven't found a guy close to your age that's been available to you or that you click with yet. Give it some more time, even if it's frustrating. Good luck! :)
psh, there's nothing that says you are meant to be with older men. relax... you're still young. no rush in finding a guy who's older just cuz that's the only ones that give you attention right now. just be happy with yourself and your life and the guy who's closer to your age and perfect for you will notice you soon
i'm sure you just haven't met yet ^^
if anything.. i might have to say it looks like i'm meant to be with younger guys..=T
If you're not attracted to these older guys, then you're not meant to be with them. They're just horny older men, and that happens. It also doesn't mean you're not attractive.
Take some time and wait for your age group to settle out. Lots of guys will be more mature after a few years of growing up. Or maybe you're actually meant to be with _younger_ men (and, in that case, need to wait a bit for that to become more of an option). That was the case with me. I was thinking I was unattractive to my own age (or, I realize now, forgetting to consider the ones who _were_ attracted to me) and made a big mistake getting tangled up with an older guy for my entire twenties. When I finally got out of that, I just wanted to start over as my real self, and younger guys seemed more compatible with that.
@roxics@xanga - agreed.
and you shouldn't be looking. wait for it to come. you're twenty-two, not eighty-one.
it doesn't sound like your attracted to the older guys instead of the ones your age, it sounds like you think only the older guys are attracted to you or are available.
honestly, just wait, a guy your age will come around when you least expect it (i speak from experience)
Older men aren't as picky as the younger guys and they are more mature to appreciate more than looks. The guys you want are immature and are looking for a super hot girl to show off to their friends. You just have to be yourself and eventually, you'll find a person that suits you and vice versa.