Saturday, 13 December 2008
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Dear Dr. Datingish: He Said "I Love You" And Is Taking It Back?
Dr. Datingish
I have a boyfriend of 5 months, and I said "I love you" to him about two months ago. He doesn't feel that way still - he's flat-out told me so. Just like me, he has had two serious relationships before ours that used the word "love" and he said it to them within a month of being together. Is this a bad sign for me?
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Comments (44)
Well those relationships obviously ended. Maybe he's being cautious this time?
i agree with xobeautyrushox
i think he wants to make sure this one lasts.
Those relationships probably ended horribly and he's being cautious this time. He's probably taking it slow so that when he DOES say it, it's something that he knows is a for sure thing, and that this time it's going to be more special than the last times.
The last three have said what I was going to say!
Aww, I don't think it's a bad sign. I think if you give your relationship more time to progress and grow then maybe you'll have your answer.
I love you is a phrase that gets abused quite often, so I can understand where he's coming from.
Like those who commented above, I think he just wants to be sure before he says it. Idk but for me, telling a girl that I love her is a very big deal because I hardly ever say that to a person. If I'm gonna say it, I better mean it.
I had said the three words in my previous two relationships and they didn't last very long. There's a girl now that I believe will be far more significant than the past to, yet have I told her I love her. I'm being cautious this time, taking it slow. I'd assume your boyfriend is doing them same.
I would rather he wait, and be sure, than just tell you what you want to hear right now. It shows that he respects you.
It's not a phrase that should be taken lightly. Maybe he's worried you said it too soon for your sake. Some deep reflections need to be done before opening your mouth. Instead of saying it, show it.
my boyfriend and i will be together for a year on new years, and we still haven't said it yet. it's definitely not a bad sign, it just means he's not ready. we're afraid of saying something we don't completely mean, but there are a lot of other ways of expressing how much you care about someone other than just saying i love you.
Here's my theory for you, and this comes from personal experience (I being the one that did this cautious withholding). So, he's had two relationships where they've jumped in and just let go, right? Very early on, they've jumped on to the "Love Boat" and things did not work out.
Perhaps now, he really does care about you. Perhaps he cares about you in a much more serious way than he has with anyone before. When I had this moment, I wanted to make sure that time, make sure that it wasn't just "another time" of jumping in and going too fast and getting caught up in the "I love you"s and missing the point.
He may just not love you (yet or whatever).....but from where I know I was a year ago, he may just be taking things slow because things ARE different with you.....and that matters.
your boyfriend is probably just being careful. i'd rather him not say it for as long as it takes than have him say an insincere i love you. i wouldn't worry too much about it. he'll eventually say it when he really means it.
I think he's taking it slow for now. My friend went through a similar time with her bf and they'll have two years together in April. He just wants to make sure that this will last.
The moment he says it, he'll mean it with all his heart. It's just going to take some time.
i think you need to figure out if he doesn't feel that way or if he just isn't ready to say it yet. there's a big difference. i feel like after 5 months, you know if you do or not, its just a matter if you're ready to say it.
i recently had a conversation with my friend about how he broke up with his girlfriend and was like "listen, its been 7 months, if i don't feel it yet, i'm not going to"
so it isn't necessarily a bad thing if he just isn't ready to say it yet. but something might be up if he doesn't think he feels that way at all. just talk to him, let him know its ok if he isn't ready but ask him if there's something else going with how he feels about you.
"Love" IS a very big word...one should never use it unless they truly mean it and when they are really ready to.
All the other commentators above have posted my sentiments on the issue.
What I would add is, dont force it or push him into saying something that you both may later regret.
Love takes time, love is patient... enjoy your times with him, and when it comes, it comes. When it does, you will be assured that he will (most) likely mean it in one of the most sincerest forms that it can come.
I would view it as more of a positive sign than a negative sign - it is highlighting your boyfriends growing maturity in life.
He probably wants to wait until he is positive, and can seriously understand what he's saying as he says it to you. He was saying it within a month of dating someone, which is way too fast, in my opinion. "I love you," can be a huge thing for someone when the meaning of "love" has been emptied.
Far from it. If anything, you should feel lucky. He's said it in previous relationships but he has realized that he probably didn't mean it. He doesn't want those three words to lose their meaning so he's waiting to say it when he's sure. It definitely will be a more special experience when he does. & just because he hasn't said those three words to you, doesn't mean he doesn't care about you a whole lot. If he didn't feel almost the same or see the potential to say it, I don't think he would have stuck around for 3 more months after you said it. After all, those three words would scare most guys away. :)
My boyfriend & I have been together for over 2 years, given a brief breakup in between but we used to say those three words to each other before the break up. After the breakup, my boyfriend said he didn't want to say them until he's sure 'cause he didn't want to hurt me again like he did before. While he's not saying it, I know he loves me through the things he does for me. & I know that when he does say it again some day, it's going to be super special. :)
3 months is super early though. i wouldn't say it either. i'll give it a year or longer. it's better to wait then to jump right into something.
"I love you" is a phrase that is thrown around quite often with no actual meaning behind it. Wouldn't you rather wait for him to say it with meaning rather than say it just for the sake of it.Just because he doesn't love you after 5 months of dating, doesn't mean there's no potential there. Did you actually mean it when you said it or was it just a token phrase for you? (That shouldn't be taken in offense. It's just a question.)
That is probably not a bad sign for you.
He wants to wait until he is READY. No mistakes.
He probably felt it was too soon when he said it the last times. Now, he doesn't want to make the same mistake again. He wants to be sure. Let him take his time.
It's called..he has patience& at least he isn't throwing the word around.
WHAT is so tremendous about those three words?
Just because he doesn't say them doesn't mean he doesn't feel them. And sometimes, when people do say them they don't mean them.
So, chill out. If he is caring toward you, respects you, and you two are good together, don't worry about him saying "I love you." They're just words.
Focus on how he acts toward you, that will tell you more about how he feels than those three words ever could.
My boyfriend doesn't like to throw around "I love you" very much unless he completely, wholly feels it and means it. But his not saying it doesn't mean he doesn't love me either.
You guys have only been in a relationship less than six months; it still has time to grow. He just doesn't want to jump into saying it if he feels the time's not quite right.
Like everyone else has said, I would take it as a sign of maturity. Now, if he's acting like he doesn't respect you, that's different. But if it's just that he hasn't said those words, I wouldn't be concerned about it.
he's taking this relationship more seriously :D and doesn't want to rush into things. It's a good thing I think :D Good luck