This is a guest blog submitted by Pokiiiedots.Hmm. I read some blogs that related to the posters' exes and then it got me thinking about mine. Of course, thinking about all of the great memories doesn't make me sad. It's all of the things that weren't so great that make me feel slightly depressed.
So let's call my ex Duckie. We broke up a year or so ago, and Duckie was an amazing boyfriend, but since breaking up, we aren't friends anymore - we don't even speak. During the time right after the break up, I couldn't have cared less about whether or not we talked anymore. Duckie and I were over. Yup, done. We had nothing left.
But now, I feel like I want to be friends with him.
Okay, I didn't get a spontaneous feeling of wanting to be friends just now. I've felt like this for awhile, and that's probably when I got over everything that happened. We live about fourteen miles apart, so there's no possible way of seeing him face to face. I tried all of the things that I could do online, like Facebook, AIM, MSN, yadda yadda yadda, but the attempts ended in failure. I feel like I should let it go, but at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't.
It's not like I want to be super close friends again or get back together - barely being friends is fine with me; I just really want to be friends again. And I don't want him to hate me - it feels like he doesn't want me in his life at all.
I know I hurt him a lot, but part of the reason I want to be friends again is I want to be able to apologize.
I'm still quite good friends with some of Duckie's friends. I was thinking of asking one of them if they could put in a good word for me...or even hang out together. Doing things in person is always better. I could do this, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea. What if Duckie gets the wrong impression? I don't want him to think I'm some stupid girl that just wants to start another relationship or something. COMPLETELY wrong. I'm just trying to fix what I broke, even if it's just a little bit.
So what should I do? Should I just let it go and forget about being friends and apologiz ing to him? Or should I keep trying to be friends so I can say I'm sorry?
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Comments (51)
I don't think there's anything wrong with exes being friends again. But after a breakup there are lingering emotions or memories that could get in the way of a friendship. If those feelings have healed then you would be more inclined to want to become friends again. But maybe those emotions haven't quite healed on his end. You say you've tried different ways of getting back in touch and they have failed--Maybe he's not as interested in being friends as you are. If he doesn't come around, I think it's time to move on.
Save your dignity; let it go. It appears he does not want to be friends with you, and repeated efforts on your part are only going to make you feel rejected and awful, and possibly embarrassed once hindsight shows you how obvious it is. I know the feeling of pushing knowledge to the back of your mind because you don't want to confront it. In this case that "knowledge" is the fact that he doesn't want to be friends, but because you so badly do you're ignoring the part of you that knows that fact and trying anyway.
To be harsh: he wants nothing to do with you, leave it alone.
I'm more or less friends with all of my exes, but it definitely took some time. With my closest ex, we didn't really talk much for the first year, but as time went on it got a bit easier and easier to the point where I could see us being friends like we were before we went out. Haha you know, just the other day I helped her move to her new apartment.
So yea, with time I think it will be easier for him to be friends with you, but no guarantees. Sometimes, people just don't wanna stay friends after a breakup, especially if it was a very bad one.
Don't worry about *fixing* anything. If you want to fix it, let him do what he wants with regard to you.
Read: Leave him alone.
If he ever wants to be friends with you, great. If not, consider this his way of fixing it.
Best of luck.
It depends on the ex. I have no desire to be friends with my last ex, largely due to her attitude now and whilst we were dating. Doesn't help that the breakup was very ugly.
I'm only friends with 2 of my exes, both of which I broke up on good terms with. Of those, 1 was a very short relationship and the other was the longest and most serious relationship I've been in, as well as the most unconventional.
Trying so many ways trying to make contact with him makes you look desperate and could give off the impression that you'd want to be back in a relationship with him, something you clearly don't want to present yourself as. So lay low a while. He may not be ready yet. But also keep in mind that he may not want to be friends at all or have anything to do with you. And also remember not everyone's friendship with their ex won't always turn out the way you'd want. So don't keep your hopes up so high that when youfind out he wants nothing to do with you, you get disappointed.
I also think you should start moving on. Spend time with other friends, not just his friends. Also try to get back into the dating cicuit if you haven't done so yet.
You can apologize without being friends. All it takes is an "I'm sorry" and then you walk away because he obviously doesn't want you in his life anymore.
Sorry to be blunt, but it's the truth. If he's not responding and it's been longer than a few weeks since the break up, chances are he's moved on, so you should too.
I'm in that dilemma too -- I dont wana scare my ex away by thinking I wana be back with him again - no thats not my intention - i just want to soothe out the negative vibes & be friends*
My ex is the one who screwed me over and he still won't be friends. At least I think so, since he's never tried to contact me. I'm guessing it'd be a bad idea at this point anyway since I hear we're both lonely and miserable...
But since we didn't work out, I do wish we were still best friends. I miss hanging out a lot.
You can't force a friendship with someone if they're not willing to put any effort in it. From what you said, it doesn't seem like he wants to be your friend at all. Since you said that you hurt him, that's probably why he doesn't want to be your friend anymore and you should respect that. If you want to apologize to him then send him a message and just leave it at that. The rest is up to him.
One of my biggest fears are losing the people I care about and I know how much it sucks when you lose a friend. Sometimes things just don't work out the way you want them to and you have to accept them as they are. Don't worry, you'll meet new friends and encounter wonderful experiences along the way.
Maybe you can send him a message with all the things you've been wanting to say to him and then suggest a friendship and maybe he'll respond to that? :)
I have one ex I'm friends with, and one I'm not. I'd rather be friends with the one who won't talk to me than the one who will. But it's like your situation--I hurt him terribly and now he won't talk to me, even though it's been three years. Now, he's married and just had a baby girl. I'm happy for him, and wish I could say as such...but, like I said, he won't respond to any messages. I don't know if it's his choice not to respond, or if his wife won't let him--I just don't know. But I haven't tried in a while. I've kind of given up, even though it'd be nice to be friends with him. Ah well. Life's like that sometimes. And it's usually up to the person who was hurt as to whether a friendship is possible, so pushing it is only an exercise in futility. You've contacted him, now it's up to him to take it or leave it. And if he leaves it...well, then you should, too.
-Katie
Like some have said, you don't have to be friends to apologize.
"... it feels like he doesn't want me in his life at all."
First, he probably doesn't (you can find this out from friends, although I think it'd be obvious from the failed online communication). If that's the case, probably best to just let it be.
"I know I hurt him a lot, but part of the reason I want to be friends again is I want to be able to apologize."
Sounds like your main motivation is to assuage your own guilt, rather than actually have a meaningful friendship--if that's the case, give it up until you have better intentions.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - Agreed. You can "fix what is broken" without trying to be friends with that person. But you probably already know this, right?
Which leads me to think that you only want to talk to him because you want him to talk to you; it's less about apologizing and more about forgiveness. Forgiveness is very much your own issue, so don't make it his, especially since he's made it quite clear from his silence that he doesn't want to talk to you.
You say that you're over him, and "I don't want him to hate me - it feels like he doesn't want me in his life at all." Well, sometimes if you hurt someone, they will hate you - for a while or forever. Even if he doesn't hate you, he just may not want to see you; he may not be over you. If you really care about him, you'll respect that he wants distance and you'll stay away from him until and if he contacts you.
I'm friends with most of my ex's. I admit, every now and then, I'd love to apologize to one of them and be friends, but he isn't worth it. If he isn't responding online though, he probably doesn't want to be friends. So forget about it.
well if it's been over a year and all.. don't bother going back to try and have a friendship. if he hasn't tried to extend a hand of friendship to you in all this time, he doesn't want it.. don't go looking for him cuz it'll hurt him again.. and you'll end up hurt too
Hmm... I understand how you feel. I remember trying to be friends with 2 of my exes and neither of them wanted a friendship. I had to learn the hard way from those experiences that it's difficult to be friends with an ex. Some will accept a friendship while others don't.
From your situation, it sounds like he really isn't ready to be friends with you. For now, the best thing you can do is leave things be until he comes around. If it continues this way, then it's time to move on.
i never remain friends with my exes before. i don't know why but i guess i never cared too much about because it always felt weird becoming friends after having a relationship with them. shrugs* maybe one day, i'll be friends with one of them if he ever crosses my path
I'm in the same situation. Well, I broke up with Him first, but now I want us to be friends again.
But I'm not so sure whether it's gonna be like how I want it to be or not. My friends told me to give it a try, you know, be friends with my ex again, but I'm still not sure.
He's asked me to go out for a drink. Well, let's see how things go.
Why does everyone want to be friends with their ex's? (This is a very serious question that I would love to get an answer to.)
Leave the guy alone. If he wanted to talk to you he would have talked to you. But your persistence in your attempts to contact him make me question your intentions. If he was that good of a friend why did you chea...err thats just me reading between the lines. But again, unless you are looking to give him something he would like to have, why should he talk to you again?
time.
I kinda know what you mean about this. I had a boyfriend and we dated for 7 months. He broke up with me we were friends for a while then he pretty much told me he didn't want to be friends. Now I catch myself almost pleading for him to be friends with me again. I don't know why, he just complained all the time, but I feel weird not being his friend.
The thing is we haven't actually been friends since February and everytime I go up to see my boyfriend I'm dating now and family he's always around and it's just way awkward not being his friend. He's not awkward, but not being friends with him is.
I don't really know what to tell you. I'm with you and say still try, but :( sometimes it just hurts to keep trying.
You should give it a try. And because you worry that he might get the wrong idea, all you have to do is explain to him what's on your mind. It's better in person, so set up a day to meet up with him for some coffee or some place where you guys can have a sit-down.
And of course, you have to have a mature mind set on this type of situation. If he doesn't want to be friends then let it be. At least you can say that you've tried.
Good luck!
=)
If you want to apologize to him.. why do you feel the urge to be friends with him to do it? Consider his feelings. Perhaps he doesn't want to be friends with you. It's highly possible since you hurt him so much as you have stated.
You want a clear conscience then apologize, but don't make things awkward for him.
I wouldn't do it, when it's clear he won't reciprocate. What's the use?