This is a guest blog submitted by whatsupyeh.A couple of weeks ago, a friend and I went out to the bars to have a good time. Now, I know what you're saying...bars, of all places, to meet guys? To me, it doesn't make a difference where I meet the guy ,because in the end, they all screw me over anyway, to the point where I'm about to become asexual for good and not even care anymore. Doesn't matter if I meet them from college or clubs and bars...even online, ugh. I take it fast with them, they screw me over. I take it slow with them, they still screw me over. What the hell?
I'm not necessarily looking for a relationship, especially not with a guy from the bars. But the thing is, I wouldn't mind having a little fun fling anyway, which might get serious later on, with a completely SINGLE guy. I've had bad luck with men pretty much my entire life. Even when I do find guys to hang out with, in the end, they always drop a bomb on me, saying they have someone. The first time I ask if they are with anyone, they lie to me and I believe they're single. It's never until "after the fact," if you catch my drift, that they finally admit they are with someone. It's like I have "The Other Woman" written all over my face or something.
I've become ALL KINDS of frustrated. Anyway, sorry, I ran off on a tangent. Back to my story.
When we were at the bars one night, I had met two guys and gotten both of their numbers. With Guy #1, we mutually exchanged numbers. However, Guy #2 gave me his number and said that I should call him. When I tried to give B my number, he said he'd just get it whenever I call him.
I decided to try to hang out with #1 again after that night, but he kept blowing me off and it wasn't worth the effort to keep trying.
I was not going to give #2 a chance at all because I'm tired of dealing with jerks and I'm not about to give another jerk a chance. I didn't know if he was a jerk or not but I assumed he was because he's a guy. I decided to say
screw this, what else have I got to lose and gave #2 a call. The first time I called him, was when he didn't have my number and he didn't pick up that night. He said he didn't pick up because he wasn't feeling well for a few days and had been sleeping. Understandable. However, he got back with me the next day asking who I was and I told him; then we planned to hang out that night.
And we did. It was so great.
He stayed the night and all we did was make out then go to bed. After all, I just met him. I was thinking,
could this be my breakthrough, finally, a guy I can hang out with NON-exclusively? I asked him if he was completely single and he said yes. He even said he'd never been with anyone and done it in a relationship because he has commitment issues, so I knew for sure he was definitely completely single.
FINALLY, I thought.
I'm not asking him to commit, but maybe just have a little fun together, you know?So this past weekend, I asked him if he wanted to hang out. He said he would, but he had to go out of town for military things, which was understandable again (he recently decided to join the Navy), but that he could possibly hang out Saturday night and that we'd talk when he was back. He texted me when he got back and said he wanted to hang out, but the roads were bad because of the snow and he lives an hour away.
Instead of hanging out, we talked on the phone for almost two hours...the next best thing when you can't see someone, right? During the conversation he said that his day sucked so bad and it started out at 4 a.m. The only thing that was keeping him going, he told me, was that he would be hanging out with me that night. He really wanted to see me but then because of the weather and his having to babysit his niece and nephew, he didn't end up seeing me. Anyway, we tried to make plans again for lunch the next day. I said I'd give him a call to see if we were still on for lunch.
So I did. First I texted him...he didn't respond to it, so I tried to call him and leave a voicemail, unsure of whether or not he received my text. After a few hours, I tried one last time and he still never got back to me. I was, like,
what the hell, man yet again, especially after everything he'd said to me on the phone the night before. He acted like he really wanted to see me...I didn't tell him to say those things and I never implied that I wanted to hear those things from him.
Even on the phone, he was, like, "I don't want you to think I'm a jerk if I hang up on you - it's because my phone's battery is almost dead". Oh, but then he stands me up the next day. Way to go.
Now this puts a strain on things. I wonder if it was like the first time when he didn't pick up that he wasn't feeling well...but he got back with me the next day. I wonder if he will ever get back to me and apologize or something. I don't usually talk to him during the weekdays - just the weekends. I've decided I'm not going to try to contact him; I'll wait and see if he talks to me on the weekend. I don't know if he will. I really want him to because I'd still like to get to know him more...
What would you do if you were in this situation? I don't know what I did wrong. I thought he liked hanging out with me for the first few times we hung out.
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Comments (51)
If you're gonna be a pessimist about men then stop trying to date. Only when you can feel confident in yourself and in the reality that there are good men out there can you actually have a successful dating experience.
xobeauty is right. Negativity creates negativity. If you are unsure, ill tempered and otherwise very down about the whole dating thing. Then the other person is going to feel it, whether or not you intend for them to. It comes down to the fact that you are probably the one sending the wrong signals. Relax. love is complicated, just take it easy, not every connection is going to succeed. Patience and time will give you someone and something incredible if you're willing to work for it.
Just wait it out. If he doesn't call you by then, it's your call to contact him again. But seriously, if he doesn't get back to you the first time, do not bother with him. Like he said, commitment issues!
with guy #2, it seems his commitment issues are to the extreme. move on.
he's probably bi-curious
I agree with the other posters about the negative attitude.
It sounds like from your post that you wanted something NOT serious, but that at the same time you wanted him to be serious with you on some level i.e. calling you back. You need to be aware that if you send out signals of "I just want a fling" or "I just want to hang out but not date", the person is apt to flake on you because, well, why should they be committed to a fling?
So you didn't do anything wrong, except maybe have too high expectations of someone who you basically gave a pass to flake on you. It's sort of impossible to have a non-exclusive fling but demand the person call you or be honest about what they're saying and feeling to you, and to ask them to NOT be a flake - in that case, you might as well be in a relationship.
I wouldnt call him anymore, men have there reasons for not contacting. its either they dont have a intrest and claimed they did/do but you cant always believe them. just like you said your not intrested in dating someone from the bar so why are you getting so worried if he contacts you back?...if anything you should have called him once and left it at that... u dont want a random man thinking your obbessive not saying you are but thats what they start to think when you start contacting them alot and think your sweating them, men love that because they love attention. you said in your blog that a couple of men have said they was single and come to find out they really wasnt after u did the do with them so why do you believe this guy? he could be lying to you as well u dont know him from a hole in the wall so u have to be on the safe side when it comes to believing what people say.
But if i was you i wouldnt hold my breath waiting for his fone call. take care
your'e taking these guys too seriously. just wait it out. work on your own life. do fun things for yourself. don't wait around for other people. life consists of so much more than that!
For some reason, after reading this post I can't help but think you might be unintentionally sabotaging yourself. It's sorta like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I completely agree with what @xobeautyrushox@xanga said and you should take her advice.
You say you want a fling...you don't want commitment...but you seem to be getting somewhat attached. Isn't the whole point of a fling is no-strings-attached? It's only been a few days, right? Maybe you should be honest with yourself and with the guys.
Here's the problem. Technically, the guy doesn't have one - he was honest and upfront with you from the start. Commitment issues don't just disappear if you're okay with not being in a relationship - it has to do with fulfilling expectations one has of you or that you think one may have of you. That's what you're dealing with right now - it's quite possible he feels like he's filling a role, and that this isn't entirely natural to him, so he doesn't know quite what to do, and that not knowing is making him distance himself. Who knows - the key thing is, he is who he is, and regardless of how you feel, at this point in the relationship, he owes you nothing - so stop expecting him to fulfill a role, even if it's one that he himself set up.
It's stupid, yes, and kind counter-intuitive, but that's the way things tend to be with people who have commitment issues. It's not you, it's really him. That's just the way it is. Wait it out. Don't try and call him - and if you do, leave a message saying that you're fine with whatever he feels comfortable bringing to the fore, that you really don't expect anything from him, but that you've enjoyed your time together. That's it. Nothing more or less. Well, I suppose, if you wanted to, you could say more, as long as it's along the same line of thought.
But here's some personal advice. It may even help you when it comes to personal relationships. When there is no commitment, and it IS just a fling - there's been no talk of relationship, he hasn't hinted he's interested one, and you say that you're just looking for non-exclusivity?
Don't treat it like it's going to be what you want it to be. In fact, don't want anything. No rules, no expectations. That's pretty much the best way to survive when you're having a relationship outside a committed relationship. Whatever he wants to do, to be, he can. Whatever you want to do, to be, you can - So long as you don't expect anything of him, so long as you don't make him, or want him, to follow any rules except those that respect your person.
I'd go into detail about that, but that would make this longer than it already is. That's the basic idea, though, that I feel is missing from this blog - you desire something, you've applied that desire to him, and that's why you're so disappointed at this point. So A) stop. and B) Whatever happens, happens - and since it's a meeting of two human beings, with different thoughts, feelings, and problems, stop generalizing and stop desiring for a guy to "be that guy that is finally not lame!" If you look for one, you're never going to find one. Stop looking, stop expecting men to be like that, and you'll do alright. Have some self-respect, and stop expecting more than that of others.
you've called him enough. let him call you; if he doesn't cut your losses and move on. for someone who seems totally pessimistic about their prospects of finding a decent guy, you sure jumped quick when this one showed an interest. listen to yourself, you met him in a bar. what do you really expect?
I completely agree with @Nicola_Six@xanga. Also I get an aura of complete and utter confusion from you. What exactly do you want? Commitment? Fling? -- you seem to want either one of them at random times...and you seem to be rushing -- a lot. You want to get to know him more...but yet all you did the first day was make out and go to bed...Does that sound like a contradiction to you? Making out and going to bed fills the fling bit, and the getting to know him more seems more of a commitment thing???
You also seem to be very impatient. The text, the call and the voicemail all seem to be on the same day. It hasn't even been a day! Even responses in the workplace is expected only within 24 hours. Stop rushing! And to my memory of what I read, you've only met this guy once and had one phone call? Excuse him for not putting you as #1 on his priority list...=/
You need to seriously relax and chill out.
I would go eat a sandwich.
I would forget him, but then again, I'm the kind of person who defiantly prefers a committed relationship. Don't call/txt him, and if he doesn't contact you within the next week or so, forget him.
EWW
forget both guys LOL. but yea, i agree with the first comment.. definitely love yourself first and then you'll be able to attract a guy who loves you too
@xobeautyrushox@xanga - That's actually pretty good advice for a relationship. Positivity begets positivity, and everything actually WOULD be right with the world.
@aznsam999@xanga - Haha! Maybe that, too. Wow. That was classic.
@t_ray_c@xanga - The funny part is that people have a bad handle of confrontation when being told to stop "lying to themselves". But I really love the idea of telling them that out loud. Love isn't easy for those who have a deadset plan for their "relationships".
my only advice is...
you've done enough going after guys, let THEM go after you. stop calling so much - if he really misses you, he'll find a way to contact you even if he has a million things to do.
Let the guys chase you: have him call you, and if he doesnt, move on.
I'd also add in that if you jump into bed with them within hours of meeting them, it dramatically reduces the chances that they'll want to get back with you, especially if they get the vibe that you're not that invested in the relationship/fling: why should they be?
I also agree with the other posters about the negativity - if you think negative, act negative then thinks are usually going to turn out negative. Relax, go out have some fun and dont worry about guys. Let them come to you.
i agree with what the majority of everyone has said already. if you don't want a commitment then you shouldnt be expecting much from guy #2. of course that's easier said than done b/c u happened to end up liking the guy and wanted more. i've been in your shoes, more than once, and it sucks.
what i eventually learned, after countless times getting screwed over, is that one of course, you have to love yourself and being by yourself before you can get involved with anyone, fling, relationship, whatever. two: if a guy wants you, he will COME AFTER YOU. if he doesn't, then drop him.
i've been single for quite a while and definitely empathize with you on needing some affection and seeking for it in the wrong people (aka douchebags)..but stick in there! and try and look in the right places for a different kind of guy, b/c believe it or not there are some gret ones out there..but you have to believe it to see it.
@Nicola_Six@xanga - I have to disagree. You can have flings with other people, doesn't mean you don't have to call when you say you will call. It's proper etiquette for any situation whether that person is your lover, your friend, acquaintance, doctor, mother, child..whomever. He didn't call because he's an asshole. There's no excuse for that.
One advice I'm going to give you is....
Try being a bitch. If you leave a voice mail, there's a high possibility he received it. If he didn't return your call, then he didn't want to. Don't call continuously until he gets so annoyed that he will have to pick up. It's useless and makes you appear desperate.
Many guys will say things they know a girl will want to hear..whether these guys really mean it or not is quite the mystery (but I have a hunch most of it is BS). So if he tells you he really likes you, Can NOT wait to see you, but bails out on you..no call no show then I am guessing he's one of those guys. My rule is 1 strike you're out. There should never be a second chance for someone to bail out on you...friends are forgivable, but potential lovers? The next time he wants to see you, make sure he works for that date. Tell him you will be busy for a certain amount of time..if he's willing to wait til then, you'll be free to see him. Don't be so eager to see him. But typically if I just met someone and he acts like this.. he would be on my shit list.
Good luck!
Give him a couple days and hear out his explanation for standing you up. Then write back to Datingish, HAHA. Who knows, maybe his battery died and he had no way of charging it...?
I completely agree with what MimleFruits had to say......you aren't going anywhere, he knows your number - if he wants you, he'll find you
be positive then good will come. if you are always negative.. sour outcomes will come.
You're jumping to conclusions .
There are other things to worry about in life like if you eat too fast or if you will be late .