Thursday, 11 December 2008
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Hot Girls Dating Fugly Guys: Why?
Miss Seal
This seems like such a played out question, but thinking about it, I really do want my (in)significant other to consider me beautiful, or rather, make me feel like I'm beautiful. And it's not shallow - there are far more objective ways of measuring one's sense of humor, confidence and intelligence. I have those things, but beauty is (usually) in the eye of the beholder. What about guys? I feel the question never gets asked. I asked a couple of my male friends what they wanted a member of the opposite sex to admire them for, and they were at a loss for words. Not one of them, however, said that it was very important for girls to find them attractive.I was a little angry at my seeming vanity. I felt like I had internalized the male gaze. Can we externalize it back at them? If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, it seems like the beholder is always male. It also seems like women are always the ones doing the attracting. But we pretty much established that most boys have the fashion/beauty acumen of a newly born baby seal (see here). Then why do looks repeatedly top the guy list of attractive qualities but not the girl list? I guess the crude way to say this, is why do you see so many hot girls with unattractive guys, and not the other way around? I feel like girls are implicitly valued for looks, and guys are implicitly valued for other qualities. This seems really unfair.
Guys are then perhaps the more shallow sex, for beauty to women is holistic, encompassing personality, intelligence, wisdom, charm, and so on, whereas beauty for guys lies in looks. It seems that women focus on the good, inner qualities far faster than men do, and I think this is troublesome. Call this a gross generalization, and I hate to generalize, but you never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot. (I borrow the great words of Beau Brummel).
Ladies, what are the qualities (whether they be physical, spiritual, or intellectual) that you want guys to notice and like about you? Gentlemen, same question. Why are girls under so much more pressure to look good than guys are?
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Comments (105)
Honestly, I don't care about looks anymore. I am concerned with being intelligent and well-groomed, attractive to suit myself, but I am done fluffing plumage for males.
I will say, though, that I have a nice ass.
Women are under pressure to do the attracting because, way back when, a woman didn't have to *be* anything other than a freaking helpmeet for her husband. She was supposed to be a couch ornament. Thankfully, that doesn't happen anymore.
Sense of humor, confidence and adaptability to any changing situation.
This post hits very close to home, I'm going though this dilemma right now. I keep telling my friends I want to date someone who is attractive and has all the inner qualities I want. It's certainly proving more difficult than I thought. *sigh* why are the pretty ones just that? Only eye candy?
http://machall.com/view.php?date=2000-12-12
maybe got not too much to do with the question, but I got reminded of this and had to laugh.
That said, I'd never go for a hot girl that doesn't have the needed 'inner values', and I bet I'm not the only one thinking like that.
there is an evolutionary reason behind why guys find attractiveness important in a woman. the reason why guys find girls who have nice curves, pretty features (round eyes, pointy chin, thick lips) and long hair attractive is because these things are indications of good health. having good health is linked to being fertile and this is important for guys since they want to find women who can reproduce healthy offsprings for them. on the other hand, women care more about the financial stability and personality in guys because they need to make sure that these guys can provide for their children. looks aren't as important in a man simply because they don't have a reproductive advantage.
Actually, I resent the idea that men only want a pretty face and hot bod, it's not at all true. We do want those things, but far more. A girl who is no good for anything other than armcandy is a serious candidate for Hot Girl Syndrome (http://weblog.xanga.com/Roninsabum/669138781/hot-girl-syndrome.html) and most of us guys don't want to deal with that. I absolutely do require intellect and genuine-confidence above all else.
There's a lot more important things to consider than appearance.
@MimleFruits@xanga - ...see, this girl provides a very smart observation. This is the kind of attribute I look for just as much as, if not more than, physical beauty.
I tend to look at a member of the opposite sex and decide whether or not I am physically attracted to the her within seconds. I see no need to further pursue someone I don't find attractive. Men are visual creatures, so the thing that catches their eye is what they are going to go after.
To stray from the question. It could be that these attractive women have been screwed over by attractive guys and they are treated so much better by the ugly guy that they decide that being treated well is better than how attractive he is. Or he makes a shit ton of money.
@MimleFruits@xanga - My only criticism with that is that some of the physcial features that our society prides women on have nothing to do with bearing healthy children.
On top of that, the standards for beauty change depending on the culture and era.
Aside from that though I do see what you're saying.
Hehe, i AM shallow! I didn't want to admit it but I *am*. I don't expect Brad Pitt but I do expect chemistry with the guy. And I guess I do have a type but then again I don't go out with just ''my type''.
Now, if my bf suddenly lost his hair or had a pot belly or had like an accident, I don't care! I love him for who he is, not how he looks. Again that is different from me starting out with a guy I *don't* find attractiive. I guess I will always find my partner attractive because of all that we share, like our connection goes beyond looks.
Anyway don't know if I explained myself. XD
physically, i want someone to notice my hygene, whether or not im ugly. i want them to know that im a clean person who makes sure im wearing a clean shirt everyday. i want them to know that rather than wanting to wear nice clothes, i'd rather wear clean clothes. i also want them to notice my smile, i smile often because.. why shouldnt i? i also want them to notice what im wearing (aside from being clean). my style will NOT change for him! haha.
then they should know that although im not "smart," i make wise choices. screw you if you walked past me!
haha jk. my number one for myself and him: personal hygene. and that's how i got my husband. ^_^
i don't think that's always the way it is. i have seens some hot guys with ugly girls. believe me! but i think girls comes to a realization that being shallow, won't get you into a good relationship. sometimes being with a guy with the best personality just makes the relationship that much better, than you become attracted cause of personality. guys thick with their penises though. lol. well my boyfriend..he loves me..i'm not gorgeous..nor am i skinny. he has a athletic built and he's a cutie! i wonder why..but i guess i'm just cool like that. lol. or my confidentce...^_^
Looks are important for both sexes whether you like to believe it or not.
Yes women do put personality before physical appearance, but it doesn't mean we fail to notice it entirely. Tall, handsome, strong, aggressive males have always attracted a lot of attention and they have always had the most sex partners.
Statistics say that an average looking guy with lots of money(financial security) will still lose to a hot guy with an average salary. Appearance means more to women than they would like to admit.
@LadyAsianInvasion@xanga - Thanks for the brash generalization!
There are a ton of interesting replies to this topic!
@MimleFruits@xanga - I enjoyed this scientific approach, claiming that both genders are attracted to stability for the future. The opposite idea, that we have removed(overcome/strayed from) our primordial instincts, is a scary one to think about! I would LIKE to think that humans haven't been fully domesticated yet!
i think girls just think about it more. there are plenty of guys, myself included, that are very self-conscious about their image. take nerds etc. - we have no self-confidence and have a hard time talking to girls. no matter how much i work out and all i'll always feel like i don't match up to those "studs"
I think personality and looks matter relatively equally to both groups. As for why you see "hot girls with fugly guys", I think that probably has a lot to do with some girls just being insecure with themselves as teenage girls tend to be, and thus they are gonna go with anybody that values them as more than a piece of meat. Once girls get older, then they begin to value looks, financial security, etc, but early-teens just want somebody to say nice things.
My personal experience is that left brianed people (logic-based most men) seem to be more visual about attraction that right-brained people (creative/emotional based, most women). I have a lot of left brained female friends and some right brained male friends...and this holds true even for them. If you are not as visual about attraction..then things like what a man says (auditory) or how he makes you feel (kinesthetic) come into play.
Kudos to MimleFruits@xanga for talking about evolutionary biology. :) Men and women do not have the same attraction triggers because their roles were different as we evolved. Same holds true for multi-tasking (women are better at it).
-Cuisine
I agree with everyone who has said it matters the same amount to both sexes. I think the difference is that a guy won't pursue a girl he doesn't find attractive, but if an unattractive guy asks a girl out it's hard for most girls to say no.
Girls therefore get a chance to see his personality, which affects how attractive he is.
I dated one guy, Dave. He wasn't attractive AT ALL when I met him. But he asked me on a date and i went. He also hung out with some of my friends every now and again... He was really a great guy. For some reason he thought I hated his guts but after a loooong talk on New Years Eve when he stayed with me while I had to close by myself at work we ended up dating. He's one of the best boyfriends I've had. By the time we started dating I thought he was adorable.
Cause they have low self-esteem & no one else will ask them out. That's why I did it. lol
I think about this literally ALL THE TIME. I see couples everywhere that consist of a really beautiful girl and a really ugly guy, and I'm like WTF (you can do better! or maybe not. idk). I'd say personality has a lot to do with it, and whether or not the guy can treat his lady right. Maybe she's dated hot guys before but they turned out to be douchebags...or she's just not all that shallow and he gets to feel like the luckiest guy in the world.
We're wired like that biologically. In the past Men look for beauty and youth in women which symbolizes fertility. We want our genes passed on when we die. Women look for security, strength, confidence and power -- basically the ability for a man to protect them. Men who possess these attributes are not always handsome, but in the rare case they are.
Thus beauty in the SO for a guy would be around 50% while attractiveness in a SO for a gal would be more around 10%. This seems to prove that men are shallow. Well..we were built that way, biologically anyways...Although evolution over the years have made us more aware of a women's other likeable traits, but that 'beauty is good thing' is still part of us =T
I don't particularly have any traits I would want my SO to like. I would like for them just to either love and accept me for who I am. That's it. No particular traits. No list to mark up. I guess this can be generalized as liking or (perhaps more likely) not DISliking any of the traits I have. Neutrality and compromise all the way!
@StrawberryShy@xanga - "Statistics say that an average looking guy with lots of money(financial security) will still lose to a hot guy with an average salary. Appearance means more to women than they would like to admit."
THANK YOU. so few people are willing to be honest. the post to me seemed like a completely sexist rant more than anything else...i'd argue that if you took one dorky-looking guy with a great personality and one good-looking douchebag to the club, confidence levels being equal, the good-looking guy will still win.
here's my crude, nutshell response to your question
historically speaking, women were in positions of lower status so they had to seek out men with resources and power...to support their children...regardless of their looks
evolutionarily speaking, men sought youth, beauty, good waist to hip ratio, etc because they wanted to make sure their genes passed onto the next generation...and plus i think men need more visual stimulation than women in general
@MimleFruits@xanga - I definitely think you have a great point here.Â
Here's a weird thing I noticed about my dating habits. I used to date guys who were edgy, lithe and (even) scrawny as a result of their lifestyle (see, drugs, rock and roll, WAY too little sleep). I realized recently that "my type," that is, men I find attractive, are those who are sturdy and reliable--in demeanor and in build.Â
Somewhere along the line I realized that I didn't want an anemic SO--I've got plenty of health problems for the both of us!
I could make some more generalizations about my body type and sorts of guys I attract, but you don't want to hear them, I'm sure.
I do think there's something of a double standard, but I think it's more likely to be scientific than merely shallow.