This is a guest blog submitted by msullan.All right, so you meet someone in the bar, you think you may like him...I mean, he gets your jokes (kind of), the chemistry is sort of there....things are going well! You're not going home with this character, but you decide that you will give him your phone number, see what happens, open your mind a little to the possibility that you may have just met someone you could potentially like. Now, notice that the operative words are "may," "could" and "possibly." There are no definitive thoughts in these statements. But there are possibilities!
So, he calls you the next day and you agree to meet him at some point in the future...you exchange a few flirtatious texts with each other and make solid plans for some sort of dinner/coffee/whatever. Now you start to get nervous. Without the couple of drinks, will you still like him? Will hi still like you? What happens to the conditional "coulds" and "maybes"? Do they become "no's" and "definitely nots"?
Dinner (yes, you decided on dinner) rolls around and the nerves start kicking in. It's crunch time. You see who you think is the person you met the other night in the dark, -
geez, it's hard to see people's faces at the bar - and you walk over to him. The second you see him, you realize that you don't like him. It's not that he's unattractive, you just immediately know...the way he stands, the clothes he wears, the way he greets you when you arrive - mannerisms that you immediately notice. It's all wrong. But now you have to go on the date and you haven't even sat down yet! Damnit....this is not going to go well.
You get along well enough - enough to sit and be cordial and laugh a little at the jokes that you're just now remembering weren't
that funny. Chitchatting is becoming more and more difficult, and all you want is for the end to be in sight. When it finally comes, the bill arrives and you try to offer to help pay and he refuses to let you (hopefully), all you want is to get in that cab alone and maybe never speak again. Harsh, I know, but sometimes true. Suddenly, you realize that he was actually having a good time during this whole pseudo-date, and is trying to extend it to drinks afterwards. Panic!
Now, you are beginning to realize that you have to do something to let him down as nicely as possible, but it's really just not coming to you, so you play the sick card. It's the worst thing in the world and they kind of know it's sort of a lie, but you play it off nicely and he lets you get into a cab thinking that he believes you. He texts you, hoping you feel better and to remind you what a wonderful time he had. You are nice back, but not overly so, and you both agree that maybe you should go out again sometime...and your best friend "maybe" is back in the equation. Now what?
He starts texting you again (every day!) to ask you if you can do something with him. You are always busy with work or have friends in town or are tired or at the gym or in the shower...anything but available to go out. At what point does he get the hint? Is it nicer to just tell him that you are not interested or play out this whole show just so you don't have to be the bad guy? How do you let someone down easy in a situation like this?
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Comments (51)
Elope with your ex to the Bahamas
Joking. Just be honest, and don't drag it out. That's the cruelest thing one could do. Explain to him that it's not working on your end, and you don't want him to get hurt trying to go for something that doesnt' have a future.
How do you tell him that you're not interested after sex?
Well, why would you agree to meet up again? That was where you should have told him you didn't want to ever again. Now, you have to meet up again just to tell him you don't want to see him anymore. A little unnecessary if you had just told him from the start. If he still hasn't taken the hint, then yes, you need to tell him because it's cruel to keep a guy hanging when you obviously know how he feels but have no interest.
Now, I wonder, will we get an entry from him asking his opinion on the girl who showed interest initially but now tells him she never has time? I'll make sure to tell him to take the hint and drop the girl.
Just say you aren't interested in a relationship "at the time" or that you are too busy to go on dates, etc. something along those lines if you can't say /I'm not interested in you/
I don't like rejecting people.. It's pretty bad.
I had to do that after an absolutlely horrid date. I took the "easy" way out and said, "I'm in school and not home very often" and then ignored his calls and messages until he gave up.
(I know it was mean, but I didn't know how else to deal with it)
That's when I stop replying to text messages and calls.
I'm all about avoidance.
I'm very passive.
It's probably a bad thing, but I don't like rejecting people. I have a really hard time with it.
But usually after a day or two of no returned calls or texts, he picks up on it. Unless he's completely clueless.
@Nieblung@xanga - Ask him why he didn't tell you he had herpes.
But seriously, that's a toughy. The best policy is honesty, to just tell him that you're not interested. Or you could make something up, like you're too busy, or you just got over a really tough relationship and aren't in a place to make commitments.
Good luck.
One of the guys at my work told me that he would much rather a gal just be blunt and tell him flat out. :)
-_-;
Just tell him.
Dragging it out and being passive is not only annoying, but kind of careless and hurtful.
You may think you're trying to be nice but you're doing no one any favors and only making yourself look like a jerk.
You may not like it but it has to be done.
Well tell him you don't think it's gonna work. That you had a good time but the chemistry isn't there. He can't do anything and you can't do anything about it.
Don't drag it out.
He may know it already but he needs to be told. Don't even try to be ''nice'' I have tried the ''I'm not interested in a relationship right now'' and they hold on to the ''right now'' and they stick around and you don't know what to do! XD
So it's better to tell him CLEARLY, that NO, you are NOT interested.
Oh boy..... well, you first dipped your feet in and now you're just completely underwater. You led him on and there's no way of turning back now. If you really aren't interested in him, tell him straight up now. What you're doing is leading him on and no matter what, you are the bad guy. If you don't want to be the bad guy next time, don't do this. Let him know sooner (way sooner) instead of accepting everything he offers and doing the "flirtatious" texts would need to be kept away until you know you like him.
OH man, that just happened to me and we didn't even go out on a date. I gave this guy my number at a bar, but he texted me a half hour after I felt and then called the next day at 11 am (I was still asleep) and left this really pathetic message. He kept calling till i was just so put off that I finally just told him that I wasn't looking for any kind of new relationship and that i was concentrating on school work and goodbye. he still kept writing me emails so i blocked him. a little harsh, i know, but i quickly realize that he was a NO, not a maybe.
Sometimes... the 3 day rule is great. It should be followed. I found this fellow a little pathetic because he used my number immediately. Maybe though... its a bit of a double standard. I'm sure if i had really liked the guy and he'd called me asap i'd be over the moon. hmmmm.
just tell him. Save yourself the trouble of having to deal with him later. Good luck!
i think i'd.. just kinda keep hinting at it. =T
if that doesn't work, then telling it flat out is the only way (nicely i guess lol)
Don't drag it out. Tell him using any excuse you can think of. Guys are probably used to it by now and can get the hint. Anything from: "I'm too busy to pursue a relationship right now." or something more direct, "I'm more interested in being friends (hopefully that's the case...)" Excuse #1 actually sounds like a bad idea now that I think about it because it'll come back to bite you on the ass if he sees you dating someone else. So I guess honesty (with a bit of tact) is the best policy. As long as you don't go "I hate you, or I didn't enjoy being with you or you're a total ass..I don't really think you can mess up turning down a guy haha~ Rejection after all is a part of dating.
i had this exact situation occur recently...where the guy was nice...but i knew the chemistry was not there...he would laugh and chuckle...while I would try my best to laugh back...it was an unnatural almost forced feeling of trying to enjoy his company
after the 2nd date...when he called, i was mostly hard to reach
or if he texted i would text him back like 3 days later saying "oh im sorry for not gettin back to you soon but its crazy hectic finals week hope to catch up with you soon!"
keep it very vague...dont make any promises to meet up again...and add distance to the equation and he will get the picture
It might be slower and scarring to slowly distance yourself. Personally, I would respect the girl more if she just flat out told me that she can't see me more than just a friend.
I've recently had a girl who seemed really into me, then suddenly she became "busy" even tho she told me this time of the year was her work's slow season. I msged her a few times and when the last 2 didn't get a response I "got it" but still, leaves me wondering where I went wrong...the only thing I can think of is cuz I told her I was busy once...lol *rolls eyes*
Just tell them. If they can't handle it they're probably not even ready for a relationship.
It's nicer to tell them rather than drag it out. There's no "easy way" of letting someone down, except by saying it politely that you're not interested. Rejection is tough, no matter how you package it. He's a big boy though, and at least now you free him from the time he would spend on you, so that he can spend it on someone else.
Tell him flat out that you are not interested, and if he STILL does not understand then you need to get tough and a little mean.
just tell him that you are not interested. don't wait for him "to get the hint" - he'll think you're playing hard to get or just naturally hard to get. don't be mean about it, just tell him.
be like, "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in you. can we be friends?"
no guy wants to be friends with the chick he's crushing on. problem solved.
"It's not you. It's me."
It depends. Some people are really dense. Like, dense-as-a-sandwich-that-someone-sat-on, dense. Sometimes, they'll even play the guilt card - which, since you're nice, is really terrible to deal with. I don't think there's a "kind" way to let the guy down, since every other cliche in the book isn't past their knowledge (I'm assuming). Unless you use that, "You're too much of a good friend to date," (in which case, you'd be lying, and that'd take a lot of major acting skills to pull off properly...). Just tell him that you're not interested, but that you were glad it was fun while it lasted. Something along those lines. Good luck, yeesh.
@Super___Connected@xanga - haha, lucky. There's a guy who never got the hint, even when about 100 missed calls went unanswered/replied.
This happened to me one time. What I did was I just disappeared - ignored all the calls and texts.
"It's not you, it's just you."