This is a guest blog submitted by admiral_007.I'm still getting over my fiancé leaving me several months ago and ending our 6+ year relationship. She left for no real reason at all (at least none that I can see or determine), other than that she just wasn't ready for the life that we were about to start together. I'm not going to lie - it was and has been a rough few months. I've written pages upon pages - anger, depression, loneliness, and confusion - much of it not making a whole lot of sense now that I look back on it. By spilling it all out, though, I was able to keep my mind from getting cluttered with it. I'm not through this just yet, though, but I am closer, and through all of this, I have learned several things. I will try to present them without bias or emotion:
WHAT NOT TO DO AT THE END OF A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP
The One Who Decides to Leave:- DON'T give up before trying. Okay, so you think that it's time to end things. How important is this relationship to you? If it is a top priority, are you willing, or have you already, given everything you can to save it? There are times in all our lives in which we think that we are failures at what we do, including relationships. You may think that the other person has given up on the relationship too, and that the only course of action is to end it. Or, you may think that it is simply too much of a burden to bear. If you've thoroughly thought about it and still have come to the conclusion that it just can't work, don't make an executive decision and decide to end it without explaining it to your significant other, which leads to my second point.
- DON'T not talk to the other person. Talking is necessary, especially if this is a serious relationship. You've been together long enough to at least provide the other person a meaningful conversation. He or she deserves at least that much. Unless she feels the same as you, you can expect her to be angry and/or hurt. She's not going to like it initially, but if she's a decent, respectable human being, sometime down the road, she will respect you for talking to her. If you don't talk to her except to say "we're over," she will be in a state of shock for much longer, and the healing process will be much more difficult for both of you.
- DON'T have someone else lined up to take your significant other's place. Bad, bad, bad idea. Rebound relationships only put off the healing process and prevent you from healing correctly. Don't lie to yourself and say that the opportunity was there, because that's just your emotions wanting to have someone fill the hole in your life. It's tough going from being in a serious, long-term relationship to being single for both parties involved. You are going to want (even think that you need) someone else to be there in your life because you are going to feel incomplete and lonely. Filling it with someone else is not only going to hurt your ex and burn bridges, but it'll hurt you in the long run, too.
- DON'T burn bridges. You've made one huge decision to leave the relationship, but that doesn't mean you have to burn the bridge and destroy everything from the relationship. Initially, you may feel that you have to completely separate yourself, and while that can be true, you don't have to destroy things in the process. I guess you can say that the ends don't justify the means. There may be a time in the future in which you may want to try to get back together. Keep that in mind. Don't plan on it, but do keep it in the back of your mind somewhere, and watch your actions and think of not only the immediate consequences, but the long-term ones as well.
- DON'T lead her on. Okay, so you want to keep the possibility open for you two to possibly get back together. The other person may like that, and may not, but really, the best thing to do it not even mention it to her, especially at the time of the breakup. One of the stages in healing from a loss is a barter stage. If your ex didn't want to end the relationship, and you tell her that you want to leave things open for you to get back together, she's probably going to cling to that, and she'll give almost anything to get things back to the way they were. This is only hurting her and preventing her from moving on and healing. If you want to leave that possibility open, do it through your actions, and not through words.
- DON'T use "because I had to" as your only excuse. That is not fair to you or her. She deserves a solid answer and for you to be completely and honestly truthful to her. Using such a vague explanation will only drive her crazy, and she'll come up with all sorts of crazy, concrete reasons you left, like you were cheating, or you didn't love her anymore, or you fell in love with someone else. This goes back to the first point - if you decide you have to leave, have a reason, and be ready to fully explain it to the best of your ability. It's the decent thing to do.
The One Who Was Left:- DON'T be led on. So he decided to end things. Maybe you weren't expecting it and that's not what you had in mind for your future. Things are going to suck. Understand that when you lose someone in your life (like this relationship) that you are going to go through five stages of loss before you start getting better. The first is shock. The next three are anger, a need to barter, and depression. The last is acceptance. The first and last are going to be first and last all of the time, but those middle three stages can occur in any order and will usually happen more than once. Your ex may say things that you take out of context and you may think that he wants to get back with you - that's the bartering stage, and it usually isn't going to work. If it's over, it's over, and there's probably not a lot you can do right now. Don't let yourself be led on - most likely, it's a false hope, and it'll just slow your healing process and make it rougher for you.
- DON'T let your imagination get the best of you. Maybe he wasn't clear with you why he ended it. It's only natural to have your mind race to try and figure out what happened, what went wrong and what you could have done to fix and save it. Let your mind race for a while, but don't let it get stuck on a "theory" of how and why it ended. You will just have to accept that you may never know, and you probably couldn't do anything about it if you did know. Don't automatically assume he's "evil" and a horrible person. Don't spread lies. Let the facts of the matter speak for themselves and try and base your feelings off of that. It's okay to be angry for the right reasons, but be careful where you direct that anger.
- DON'T write angry letters and send them. Never, ever a good idea. No matter how much sense it makes at the time, and how right you think you are, you are going to have said things that you will regret. Yeah - you're pissed and you want to let him know. Well, that's probably not a good idea. As The Streets so kindly put it, "I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts, but you've got to walk away now." What's sending this letter really going to do? It'll let you blow steam off at him and only hurt and/or upset him. Then where has that gotten you? This only causes you to hurt yourself and your ex, and will definitely burn bridges. The best thing to do is to write all of it down and KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. You will feel better for writing it and getting it out, and you will not have to have anyone else read it, so no one gets hurt.
- DON'T burn bridges. You are probably going to be very angry at times and are certain that you want absolutely nothing to do with him ever again. Depending on the situation, that may be true, but shortly after the end of the relationship, you are in no position to make that call. There may be the possibility that you get back together in the future (but don't rely on that) and there's also the possibility that you two can become friends later on. Do go about destroying every link you have to them, but at the same time, don't cling to whatever links are left. Be careful of what you do, and think of the repercussions, both short and long-term.
- DON'T become stagnant. It's okay to loathe in self pity for a little bit. Yeah, you lost the love of your life and your future is destroyed and you don't know what to do. It's only human to feel dejected and hurt and sad and lonely and not want to do anything about it, and that's okay for a while, but be careful not to let that consume you. No matter how hard you try, you can't turn back time and fix things. You can't go back and do things differently and hope for some kind of alternate reality. Being stagnant is only prolonging your pain and healing.
- DON'T wait and hope he'll return. Really, the best form of revenge is being truly happy. Don't rely on his coming back. Look forward and push yourself to move on. You're going to have to "fake it" to make it at first, but eventually, you will start getting better and feeling better. If you didn't burn bridges, he may come back into your life, but you can't think of that right now, and you certainly can't depend on it. You have to know and believe that you can and will be happy being single again. It's going to be long and a difficult road, and you may not believe it right away, but you will be a stronger, better person after all of this.
For both parties, it's going to be easier to make it through this if you have a friend to talk to, to vent to and to get advice from. I've relied on my friend several times, and don't know what I would have done without him. Sometimes, though, even a friend is not enough and the pain is just too great. You may then want to look into counseling and maybe even medication. As much as you'd love to beat this thing yourself, sometimes it's just too big, and there's nothing to be ashamed of by seeking outside help. It's okay to hurt and be depressed for a little while, but it is not healthy in the long-term.
The important thing is that you find a way to feel better and to be happy once again.
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Comments (221)
Great post.
Great post. Sorry you had to go through this.
I'm really sorry for what happened.
But this is a nice post. Props!
agreed =]
you need a hug :(
I can relate to this. I've broken up with someone, and everything you posted, about the one breaking up, I have done. I have exhausted all options, and been considering this for months. It hurts me terribly to do it because I love him. But I know he's not going anywhere in life, and I'm just making it easier for him to do that. That's not what I want for my future, and I know it's not what he wants in his.
Right now he's spending his time bartering or pretending it's not really happened. Or threatening to burn all bridges if it does. This hurts more than anything.
I wish I could copy and paste everything there to him, but I'm not sure that would help, coming from me.
But thank you, from my sanity.
I read this whole thing... twice. I'm under 'the one who was left' category, not much different from you actually only we were "officially" dating four years. Anyway, I love your advice, I'm going to try to take it... even though it's really hard. I still hurt... a lot. Thank you. This is amazing.
That's some quality advice right there.
@haloed@xanga - thank you for your comment. it sounds like you've done everything that you can. yeah, it sucks, and it'll probably continue to suck for a while, but you have to know that you did what you think is best for both of you, and hopefully, somewhere down the line, he'll see that too.
@ChocolateLimeDais@xanga - i know you probably feel like doing pretty crappy things to them, and you think that'll make you feel better, but it doesn't. it doesn't feel like it, but focusing on yourself and working to make yourself happy will have the greatest effect on them. you will be making yourself better, and showing them what they have missed out on. good luck.
Good post. I wish some of my exes could read this... :-/
I really wish me and my ex could read this when we were breaking up. My ex left me without any reasons, too. I know how you feel. *hug*
good post
everything you say to not do when your breaking up with someone my boyfriend did do to me and it sucks and is completely confusing so its good advice
@admiral_007@xanga - I dont know if I really feel like doing things to him, except I want him to feel as bad about this as I do... I just want him back and I've asked a few times now but he's always said no. I guess I just let him keep rejecting me over and over again. I just hurt, I know you've been there. Thanks again... really.
Great post. Sorry that happened to you, but I think many people could and will benefit from you sharing your experience.
i burned the bridges, the pictures, the cards and even a stuffed animal
wow. i love that post. me and my ex broke up about a month ago, we were in a relationship for two years. although we 'mutally' ended things, its turning to be more of a he broke up with me. everything you said not to do from his pov hes done. his 'rebound' was one of my friends 2 weeks after we broke up too. after bitching her out, she decided to end things because she didn't want to hurt me. yeah, now he refuses to talk to me. I'm away at college and still have to pick up my stuff from his house, and i still dont understand why we broke up. winter breaks going to be fun. 2 years was rough. I couldnt imagine being enganged and 6+ years. Amazing post though you do deserve a hug, too bad I can only give you one over the internet *hug*. i hope things get better for you.
i'm gonna save this one... need to read it to myself daily.
Great post & i am VERY sorry you had to go through this. Went through something myself this summer... although he would tell you i was crazy---there was no "relationship" but even so, i still loved him so it didn't matter what it was called or was or wasn't. Anyway, thanx. That helped me a little about something i am struggling with even still. And blogging here helps as well... this is free therapy so it doesn't get all stuck in your head!!
Wow, you really hit home with how I feel right now. Isn't it funny how when we go through these things, we think we were the only person in the world that ever really fell in love and had to feel this way? And that song "Dry your eyes" that you quoted was a song I discovered with him, however listening to it now made me feel a bit better in a bittersweet way. I'd totally forgotten about that song. Thank you for this.
Great post!! it really sucks to be led on by someone and he is keep looking for girls after we broke up. he immediately fell for some other girls after 1 week... what is that? i dun understand it at all... and he kept telling me he likes me for the past few months even after we broke up and ignored me after he got a gf....
I'm the one left behind too.
I'm now just hitting stage 5. It was a long 4 months process to hit this point. So true, everything you wrote. I already burned a bridge though, and I clung to her for so long. *Sigh* I feel like ChocolateLimeDais still sometimes though in that I just want her back. But at the same time I'm really ready to move on, and focus on someone else.
This is SUCH a good post :)
My ex should read the first half of the entry. He had pretty much done most of what the author said NOT to do.
not burning the bridges is really hard, especially when you're the one who got dumped. i tried very hard not to do that with the person i liked previously, but i end up being very mean to him when we hang out with our mutual friends. sux... but u got some good points, it just takes a lot of effort to carry through with them whether u're the dumper or dumpee. glad u're done moping and moved on.
@turn0ff_theshyness_820@xanga - she still has a lot of stuff over here - it is not going to be fun when she comes to get it. for you, over break, i'd say spend lots of time with friends and family. it's important to keep yourself from sitting and overthinking things and driving yourself crazy. it sounds cliche, but time really does help heal you. take care.
@samanthalyla@xanga - i have "dry your eyes" on a cd, and i've about worn the cd out - i've listened to it so much. datingish is great because, like you said, there are so many people here who have felt the exact same way as we have, and it helps to share and talk. it's certainly helped me. thanks.
@justaboy - sadly, i burnt a bridge too, and broke one of my 'don't's' - it's one of the only things i regret in my life. i did learn from it. i hope that wasn't the only bridge we had left between us. i've realized that i miss the girl that used to love me, and the way that made me feel. again, more cliches, but i miss all the little things, and i took it all for granted until it was gone. a part of her will always be with you, and you have to be grateful that you had that love and that it made you that happy.
@ChocolateLimeDais@xanga - you're probably not going to want to hear this, but you should probably cut all ties with him. don't destroy those ties, just get away from them and from him. keep yourself and your mind occupied with friends, family, hobbies, books, etc... i think you just need distance now, and hopefully, time will help you get better.