This is a guest blog submitted by silent_screams_forever.There are some things about getting married that are wonderful - there are cake-coated days and discussions all about picking out dresses and a new home. But after all the presents are opened and the champagne has gone dry, you're left with real life and what to do with this other person that you are supporting and, well, bound to for the rest of your lives.
Not long ago, after my husband and I had a few small arguments, I started looking around at all these friends and former acquaintances that were married around the same time frame as we were. They all seem happy enough; yes, you do fight and fuss, but that's the thing with being two people and all. As I was analyzing everything I knew about these people and how they work, I started asking myself what makes them more happy than my husband and I are. What makes their life bearable and my life such a bore? I mean, materially and physically and all kinds of ways, these people don't have as much as I do..well, some of them might. I'm not trying to be shallow - I'm just trying to figure out how this all works...
I suppose it breaks down like this for some people:
We're married; I'm stuck; is he REALLY the right one for me?
I've figured it out somewhat - in those early months (and possibly years of marriage), we are all still picking this person apart looking for flaws...thinking back on prior relationships, just waiting for something bad to happen now that you've "done the deed," so to speak. Is it really human nature to do something so wonderful like getting married and then spend the next year or two wondering, now that legally you're a "couple", if divorce is the only answer to this feeling you're having?
Would this be called post wedding cold feet?
It makes a lot of sense to me...when you think about all the happy and great feelings you have, you've got adrenaline and endorphins running through you, not to mention sugar highs and being drunk (depending on the person
). After all this has settled down and the honeymoon is over, you'd think it would be business as usual, but suddenly it hits you -
I'm with this person until the end of forever or until I have enough money to NOT be married to them. For a lot of the people I've talked to, the "Oh my god" feeling doesn't hit people until weeks, months, and in the case of one friend of mine, a whole year after their wedding.
Are you commitment phobic by nature? Does the idea of marriage freak you out?
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Comments (72)
Oh I'm there. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and have no intentions of divorce, but from day one I've been a commitment phobe. Before him my relationships barely made it over 3 weeks. We're about a year and a half into my marriage and I can feel myself trying to find ways to sabotage the relationship. I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who has these feelings.
I am a huge commitment phobe. I may never get married.
I just don't want to end up stuck with the same person forever. People change - and I might not necessarily like the person my SO could change into during the course of our marriage.
If I get married, it will be at 30+, at least, with an SO older than I am. At least, we should both be stable in our careers and finished with education before we tie the knot. I think that would ensure more stability than getting married at 20 something, when both parties don't know who they really are yet.
I would absolutely love to get married, but I freak out about commitment because I am overly friendly to people, which is construed as flirting. And so, I inadvertnently flirt with guys all the time. -.- What I'm afraid of is that I won't be able to take it seriously, that I'll say, "Oh, we're just friends. I just like to hug him lots. :)" but that they won't agree. That sort of thing. Or that somehow I'll never be able to keep my eyes on one person for a long time.
Which isn't really true, but I'm afraid it could happen. I guess I'm just an insecure person.
I'm so glad to read this. I do want to get married, I REALLY do. But I've only been in one relationship before and after a couple months things started going bad. Now I'm kinda in a relationship again, and now it's a couple months and I'm freaking out. The thought of committing to someone right now... when I'm so young... it's scaring me. I have no legit reason to be, he's a wonderful guy. And perfect for me. But... the thought of committing scares me to death...
Oh GOD how I hate these posts. You committed, you're not into it. For fuck sakes make a decision and stick with it. Don't you think you should have analyzed whether or not he/she was worth it before contributing your entire life to them? It's people like this that provide the statistic for divorce of every 2.5 marriages.Â
you girls scare a guy like me, that's looking for commitment.
i must admit... that's kind of terrible.
i understand how you feel. it's frustrating when you settle into a routine and realize that life is just life and there is no more sense of adventure or possibilities or opportunities. maybe yall should try to travel more or do things instead of argue so much and you wont feel that way. i agree with RandomSobriety when she said that people change over time and that who they change into may not be who you want to be with later on. however, i must say, you chose to take this person for who and what they were at the time, "for better or worse". sometimes when you make that promise, you dont realize that you can grow apart and in totally different directions, and that's ok. we cant always get it rght. sometimes you need a second chance to think it through.
i'm a commitment phobe too. i know it sound terrible but hey, it is what it is.
I used to be a commitment phobe.. & then I met my boyfriend. I've been with him for over 2 years & we're currently discussing engagements & marriage & all that good stuff. Honestly, I'm freaked out as heck 'cause I just don't think I'm ready [I just graduated from college & just not mature enough yet] but I do know I love this boy like crazy & there's no one else I'd rather spend the rest of my life with than him. I do know these discussions aren't too serious [not just yet] & we're still feeling it out to see if it's the right time. I do know that when the time comes, I will be ready & yes, I'll be scared but I won't doubt my decision. The fear will only be temporary 'cause I'll be making a life-long commitment to my best friend & that, I won't regret. :)
This entry is interesting but I'd have to disagree with those who get married & then freak out if they've made the right choice. If you have/had any doubts, you could have held off on getting married right away.
I'm not a committment-phobe at all. I feel like marriage shouldn't be something you're stuck in, and I don't know if I'd feel like that if I was to get married and my husband and I made a conscious effort not to get bored. Obviously that's easier said than done but in my past relationships, they only went sour because we let things become too routine. My current boyfriend and I are very serious, and we aren't bored of eachother at all yet-- and part of the reason is because we switch things up and do new things together. Obviously I'm not talking really about marriage but I've been in relationships that last much longer than some people's courtship and even their marriage, so I can understand the boredom.
I just can't think of anything more romantic than pledging to be with that person and experiencing major events in your lives with them. Children, traveling, careers-- I want to share that with somebody, even if sometimes we argue and sometimes feel a little distant.
it's completely normal to have doubts. most of us tend to want to strive for better, so it is inevitable to be curious whether or not there is someone else out there that is better. the mind will play its tricks but over time, it will become clearer what your heart wants. as cliche as it sounds, it's true that you don't really realize what you've had until it's gone. i'm still young and i am not married but i have had some life experiences that taught me to look at it this way. when you're constantly with someone, you can becoming easily bored with them and also unappreciative of what you have. perhaps you can try busying yourself with work and/or activities that do not involve your husband and will distance yourself a bit from him which will (hopefully) force you to miss him.
i remember i use to freak out for every boyfriend i had. i would find a flaw, and be totally disgusted, and break off the relationship..till i found my first serious boyfriend, than i stuck with him. eventually meet my current boyfriend, and i think..if we get married it's him and me forever. but i want that. cause everyday all i think about is wanting to be with him. so maybe it's just cold feet for now..but give it some times. and so exciting things together. just cause your married doesn't mean you guys should stop having fun. have sex in public...go to sex shops..go to play bowling or amusement parks. never stop having fun.
My girlfriend is... well, basically you (the OP).
It freaks me out, and people wonder why I stick with it. When it really comes down to it, I guess I'm holding onto some hope that, when the time comes (or, if the time comes) that we decide to get married, she won't make herself completely miserable (and me in so doing) thinking about it as some type of imprisonment.
Yes, marriage is scary. Yes, commitment in general is scary. It's difficult to make that conscious decision to stick to something for a long term, especially when it's forever. It's natural that you'd question what it is to which you're committing. But, once you've made the commitment, you may as well sit back and enjoy the ride (and, hey, if you allow yourself, you may even enjoy it!).
I guess it's just incredibly important that you really think things through before getting in so deep. Theoretically, if you do this, commitment-phobia should take a back seat to love and joy.
yes, I have intimacy issues.
I think its normal to question if you've made the right decision. Its hard, esp if its such a big one, like marriage. But it doesn't meant that things cant be worked out, in fact talking is probably the best way to go.
I'm not gonna lie, i can be quite the commitment-phobe. I second guess myself a lot, or at least, i used to. i'm taking some time for myself right now so that i can figure out what it is that i want and need out of life so that i DONT second guess myself.
I don't think I have any commitment issues. I am looking forward to it, actually. But then again, I am young and dating someone (whom I believe that he's the "one" but I don't want to get that far ahead, yet). He's the best guy I have ever been with and I don't plan on breaking his heart at all and neither does he want to break my heart.
I'm not quite at the time in my life to be thinking about marriage. My boyfriend and I are madly in love...and I was thinking about commitment already (it may have been too early...we've technically been dating for only 8 months.) Then, there were several occasions that he brought up about the topic of marriage or how he thinks he's going to be the future-nephew-in-law kind of thing. Then, 2 short days after, I found out from my boyfriend that his mom has been thinking about me as a potential daughter in law.
I started thinking about it and I had a small commitment-phobic, but it went away afterward.
So, to answer your question, no. I got over it...but we'll see when I get engaged/get married. :P
If you think about it, you're not stuck with this person forever. There's the possibility of divorce or separation. For me, it would be the anxiety originating from the possibility that although I end up with this person, he can still walk away. Instead of commitment phobia, perhaps it's separation anxiety. I don't know about you, but I'm always imagining the worst and maybe my mind is playing tricks on me by making me think that I'm commitment phobic but really I'm afraid of being separated from said person.
That's just my two cents!
I'm freaked out when I read stuff like this.
I switch between wanting to get married, then getting scared I'll end up divorced so I end up changing my mind.
If I do, one thing's for sure - I'm def doing pre-marriage counseling.
No way in hell am I going to get married without taking it serious and having it beat into my head that I'm making a lifetime commitment.
People who think you're "horrible" for feeling this way have probably never been truly committed to anyone.
It's totally normal to have doubts. It's the fact that, aside from all the doubts and the questions in your head, you realize that you do generally love the person you're with, and you are willing to manage your uncertainty because when you do...you realize it was all totally worth it. And then you get doubts, and the system repeats.
Plenty of people have intimacy issues, myself included. I know for a fact that I want to and will spend the rest of my life with my current SO, but there are plenty of days when I go, "Is this what I really want?"
All I have to do is think of my life without him, and then I know I've made the right choice.
I think I'm freaked out by the ideas of marriage because marriage is such a huge deal to me. That, and it's something I've never done before and won't ever do again (I hope), and I don't feel so particularly thrilled about doing something I've never really done before and knowing that I probably can't change or want to change. Marriage seems so definite and finite as well; you're with that person FOREVER, according to theory. Love shouldn't change, but what if the other person can't keep their end of the relationship going? What if you can't? There's all these "what ifs" that are attached to any serious relationship, regardless of it if you have a ring on your finger or not, and I think those doubts is what causes people to go insane after they walked down the aisle or are just about to.
I remember getting freaked out with the idea of my ex boyfriend buying me a promise ring. I freaked out initially, but then I realized that I truly did want that promise ring because it was a sign that our relationship was going to progress forward and a deeper commitment was to be involved.
But, the one think to remember is that if you love a person truly and unconditionally, you'll want to be with that person regardless of all the little fights and squabbles and the annoying habits they might have.
I don't have commitment issues, nor do I completely understand them. If I like someone truly, I know that they are good for me. I think about relationships before I get into them. If I love someone, I know that I always will unless they leave. So I know if I find someone I love who loves me back, I will have no problem.
You should've thought about some of this shit before marrying him. One of the things I really don't like is indecisiveness. But it's amazing how many people make up their minds before they get all the information.
Cold feet? No.
I do agree, though, that you should have thought about this before gettin' committed to someone.
I also know what it's like to not know if committing is right.
Guess what that usually means?
I could never commit to someone before. It was always a few months with them and then I pretty much killed whatever it is we had between us.
Until I found my current SO.
With him, marriage talks don't seem scary, they seem perfectly right. I want to spend the rest of my life, and I honestly couldn't care if I was married to him or not, as long as I can be with him.
Maybe you should re-think things...
Xo
I just got married and I feel more free than I did while we were dating or engaged. It's awesome. I had horrible cold feet this past summer. Cried a lot to my parents. Bad move really. Now we're married after I got over my issues. I realized that no matter what I get I always complain about everything for the sake of complaining. I'm just good at it I guess.
So I'm a very big supporter of marriage. In 10 years, I'll give you an update.