This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.My boyfriend and I have been together a little over ten months. He's the nicest guy I know - he makes me soup when I'm sick, delivers flowers to my door, and even write me little love poems now and again. I know that he'd give me the moon if I asked for it. I mean that much to him and he means that much to me.
We have our issues just like anybody else, but he has faith in us and always tries to make things better. He's very non-confrontational, which is the complete opposite of the way I am; in a way, we complete each other. He's always around to let me know how much he loves me and how he'll never leave me. But, there's this one thing about me I don't think he loves so much.
Back when we first started dating, my other guy friend (Joe) and I remained to hang out. Joe had been in my life for most of my college career, so I'd thought he and I could still be friends while my BF and I dated. I was wrong. The feelings we both felt for each other turned into this semi-affair and I cheated on my boyfriend. The worst part part of it all was that I made my BF believe I was faithful. In other words, he knew Joe and I were close, but I always reassured him it was nothing.
Now, I feel terrible. I know I can't take back what I did. I also know I can't take back the constant lies I've told my BF, but I think it's time for him to decide for himself if he loves me, let alone if he'll still be my friend. He's been nothing but honest with me and I repay him like this. I still want him in my life, but I'm not sure if that's what he'll want. But I do know he should know the truth.
What would you do in a situation like this? How would you tell your BF/GF the truth?
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Comments (150)
my sister is in that situation.
you should tell him, he deserves to know..even if it will break his heart. you will probably suffer more tho, you lost a good guy.
I'd sit him down privately and come out and say it.
If he truly loves you, he'll forgive you and you will work passed it. He may never forget, and he has the right not to trust you, but he should at least be able to forgive you.
Sometimes, some time apart after such a confession, is good, too.
Well first, I wouldn't be in this situation. I don't like betraying the people I claim to love. But if by some miracle I was, I don't think I'd tell him. That's only going to make things more difficult. As long as you vow never to cheat on him again, it's all good.
First off, you never should have done that in the first place. You're a jerk.
Making it worse: you lied to your boyfriend--whom you're damn lucky to have if he is as you say he is.
You're scummy if you don't tell him.
If you cheat, you should just fucking say it. Not hide it like the coward you seem to be.
Honestly, I hope the guy just dumps you after hearing about it. There's never an excuse to cheat, and I hate anyone who DOES cheat. Period.
mmm iuno i try not to cheat, but it happens, i guess? Hope for the best... the truth will set you free.
Tell him the truth and let him decide, it's only fair that you come clean. It will hurt more later if he hears it from someone else.
When my ex cheated, I wanted to hear it from him. I found out later on my own and even then, he denied it. I chose not to forgive him and not to be his friend anymore because I personally felt that he didn't deserve my friendship after all the lies and the cheating. But I'm selfish. Hopefully your BF is selfless enough to forgive you for coming clean. Good luck!
1. Break off any ties you ever had with Joe. Tell him that you regret what happened, and you just cannot continue to be friends with him. Delete his phone number, block him on facebook/myspace/xanga/IM, and tell him you don't want him to contact you anymore. Delete his e-mail address, and do anything else you have to do. I don't care if he's a "great friend" or whatever. The fact that he let you stray, knowing you were otherwise involved, means that he is NOT a good friend, and nor would he make a good boyfriend if he doesn't think cheating is that big a deal.
2. Just tell him. He deserves to know. And if he wants to break things off with you, then don't argue. You earned it. BEFORE you tell him that you cheated, tell him how you feel about him. If he wants to hear more, then say specifically the situation that let you get into the cheating behavior, and how you will avoid that in the future.
@XXVl@xanga - Yeah, build a relationship on lies. Sounds like a great plan!
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - Great advice. I would suggest the same thing. I have nothing new to add.
i think i screwed up, too. you should definitely tell him. if he's been honest with you all this time, then you should be honest as well. honesty is the most important thing in a relationship.
@XXVl@xanga - I actually totally agree with this, you could tell him and ruin a perfectly fine relationship because of you're own selfish desire to relieve guilt.
Or, vow to never do it again, keep it to yourself and spare someone who you care deeply about the heartache of making this sort of decision, and wounding him at the same time. If you told him and he decided to keep you it would always be something lingering in his mind, an even worse way to have a relationship.
You said it was at the beginning of the relationship so there's always grey area, obviously it was a poor decision on your behalf but why make it your BF's burden also. If it's not something you fear doing again then i would keep it to myself and move on, learn from it and become a better GF as an ultimate result.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - I agree with everything you said, especially the part about Joe not being a good friend. It takes two to cheat, and while Joe is not responsible for you straying, he participated in it too - knowingly.
I also agree with the part about not fighting your partner if he wants to break up with you - because it is his right and in no way is it a horrible, selfish thing for him to do. If he wants to be friends with you, it will be in the future after he's had time to get over the pain your actions have caused him.
In fact, the best thing may be to tell him that you think you should take some time away from him - like a few months. That shows that you really care about him, and not care about YOURSELF wanting him in your life. Also, it will make yourself think about your relationship - do you really want to be with this person? I mean, you did cheat on him - that says something about how you view the relationship.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - I think this is a pretty solid route.
@nauticaloblivion@xanga - I agree with all of this.
The situation isn't a black-and-white "you're a scumbag for lying and he deserves to know and you deserve the potential punishment" situation. If the situation was exactly the same and I were in your boyfriend's place, I would rather not ever know. Spare myself the hatred of the other person, the mixed feelings towards you, the mixed feelings towards myself - blissful ignorance. It's not like you're continuing to do it, or will ever do it again (and don't...or you WILL be a scumbag), and it IS that you love him deeply and care for him in a way that you don't think anyone else can. Don't take that away from him... or let him take it away from himself.
You owe him breaking off all contact with the "other man", though.
Wow, there are a lot of harsh people on here, however it's true. I do understand both sides. I'm a very faithful person, and I myself have never cheated. Although it was in the beginning of your relationship, it was still wrong. I understand that when you're fresh into a relationship, you can still be confused about how you feel for the other person, however I feel you didn't give your boyfriend a chance.
You really do need to tell him. After all the lies you told him, you've turned your relationship into a life full of lies. You don't want this hanging over your head. You both need time apart after you tell him the truth, even if he's stupid enough to stay with you. If there is no trust in a relationship, there is nothing...so during this time you yourself have to figure out what you want. If you feel you'll cheat on him again and so on.
I do not condone cheating, however I do understand some of the reasoning... but keep in mind that your boyfriend loves you for who he "thought" you were and he'll probably feel very betrayed. It is very hard to forgive someone after being cheated on.
@listen_to_The_Pixies@xanga - I agree with all the others who've agreed in this little train.
Don't tell him. Its so selfish and will probably scar him for life. Live with your own guilt. Don't do it again and if you find that you might, break it off. You said you did it in the beginning and while its never THAT excusable, its better that it was in the beginning when you were just getting to know him then when you'd gotten really close.
You made the mistake, you have to live with it. Don't pour your guilt and hurt onto anyone else.
@nauticaloblivion@xanga - I don't think it's just about a selfish desire to relieve guilt. The bottom line is: shouldn't her boyfriend know about her actions? I mean, they could (and probably likely) would directly impact whether or not he wants to stay with her.
Also, it doesn't sound like much of a grey area - if it WAS a grey area, it would be along the lines of that the person wasn't exclusive and didn't hide the fact from the person. The fact is that she DID hide that she was seeing another guy.
Wow this one's tough...I don't like to tell you what you should do as you know more about the relationship than I do (from the the little tidbits we commenters can put together) But I can tell you the following:
If you tell him you cheated and lied about it there's a real small chance he's going to just forgive you...are you prepared to lose what you have now? (which sounds pretty good) I guess if you do know he needs to know the truth - it seems you have already made up your mind...I don't know why you didn't tell him sooner...because now it will be a lot harder to take.
I honestly can't imagine myself in your situation. For me to cheat, I would have to be prepared to leave my relationship and go with the person I cheated with. Else, I don't think I would just 'get caught up in the heat of the moment.'
If the thing with Joe happened in the beginning of your relationship with your boyfriend, before either one of you had an understanding that you were being exclusive, and if you're absolutely sure that it won't happen again, then I don't see why he has to know. If I were your boyfriend, I think I'd rather not know.
Unless, though, that the reason you're still thinking about this is that it's not completely over with Joe. In which case you probably should come clean and end the relationship.
@Nicola_Six@xanga - I remain unconvinced. I see no reason to hurt an innocent, she should bear the brunt of her wrong doing, and spare him the heartache. It's ultimately her decision, this is just my opinion on it. It would just selfish of her to tell him. Who is benefitting from her telling him?
And I agree about the ambiguity in my "grey area" statement. Apologies. But being tangled between two guys is a grey area, even while exclusive with one of them. Sorry, please don't pounce on that, but I've been there, admittedly I was 15 at the time, but you really need to see things from a certain perspective in these instances. The cheating shouldn't have happened, there shouldn't have been a situation where it was possible, I agree with all of this, but it did, it was her mistake, why make him suffer?
I did this... Tell him. However painful it might be, you're going to feel guilt and lies and shame until you tell him. And then you'll just feel guilt and shame, but at least you're being honest. Then it's really up to him whether you continue in the relationship or not. Cheating is pretty much like giving the other person total power to do whatever they want now. Luckily my bf was forgiving... But not forgetting, and I am working to mend it everyday.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - Don't get all self righteous. What he doesn't know won't hurt him. At least this way she stands a chance.
...Unless she goes and fucks it up again. But if she is genuinely sorry she did it and will never do it again, I don't see why not.
What's worse than lying is a relationship built on mistrust. He'll never trust her, and things will never be the same.
@nauticaloblivion@xanga - Thanks for your thoughtful response; you've really made me think about my stance.
I guess I'm speaking from the perspective of a person who doesn't believe in "sparing" the other person - because, honestly, who am I to be so "great" as to deign to spare that person pain? Should I run amok doing horrible things, and then say to myself, "Well, I'm not going to tell him because I love him"? I think that's a condescending and paternal attitude because you're basically saying "I know better than to tell you the truth. I'm a good person to spare you the truth." It sounds pretty twisted, actually. Denial, rationalizing...
It's my partner's life. Everyone in this world, ideally, should have the choice to be with who they want to be with. And a lot of people would not want to stay with someone who cheated. If I cheated on someone, I would think to myself, "Wow, I think he should be with someone who doesn't treat him like crap." Just because I want to stay with him doesn't mean I should rationalize it and tell myself that I'm doing him a favour by NOT telling him. I'm doing MYSELF a favour.
My apologies for ranting. :P My point is that - if she doesn't tell him, that's her choice, but she shouldn't tell herself that her motivation for not telling the truth is PURELY altruistic.
i find it interesting that some people think that confessing that you've cheated is selfish and only so that you'll feel less guilty. i dont know, to me a relationship is supposed be honest. so you SHOULD tell your bf about what happened because how can you go on if you dont? it wont be a real honest relationship.
well, i cheated on my bf, so this is coming from personal experience. i told him and he forgave.
i kinda did it again... and he forgave me.
so my advice is this.. tell him. but make sure that you KNOW you'll never do it again if you want to continue the relationship. it isnt fair to him. plan a date where you can be alone and uninterrupted and also give yourself A LOT of time... it may become a very long conversation. be honest, even its tough. and be prepared for a (understandably) bad reaction.
This is tricky. If you have feelings for the other guy, please break it off with him but spare him the extra pain of knowing you cheated on him. If you do not and truly love your boyfriend, then you need to tell him. It is up to him to decide whether he still wants to be you despite what you did. If he does, then your relationship is that much stronger. If he doesn't, then you just have to deal with consequences.