This is a guest blog submitted by sweeeetstache. So I like this guy, and he likes me.
He told me, "I like you. But for now, as friends." I understand where he's coming from. It's kinda complicated for us to be together because:
1) I'm not allowed to date
2) I'm 16; he's 20 (read: I'm two years below the legal age)
3) I'm his high school friend's little sister.
So because of this, our whole relationship would have to be hush-hush.
We talked recently, and he brought up reasons 2 and 3 for why we can't be together as of now. But it seemed like he stressed my age/the law more than anything:
I said: how do you feel about me, honestly
he said: here's the thing
he said: lemme ask you this
he said: how old are you?
I said: hahahah
I said: oh god 16
he said: you're 2 years under the legal age
he said: and its not like im in high school or anything
So when he's saying he wants to be friends for now, does he mean that he wants to wait until I'm legal?
It kinda confuses me because we've overlooked the obstacles set against us before, so why not do them again? I mean, if he really liked me, would those three reasons matter?
Finally, this:
I said: seeing as though we wouldn't work out for at least two years, wouldn't it be better if we weren't friends?
he said: but thats the thing
he said: i dont understand why you would do that
Does this make sense to keep a strained friendship despite all the feelings? Shouldn't we just lay low until a relationship seems more realistic?
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Comments (410)
Although I haven't been in this situation before, I have other friends who have. Having one person below the "legal age" really makes them hesitate because of the stigma involved. They feel like they'd be labeled child molestors if something went wrong, like if something beyond their control happened they'd be labeled as the bad guy in a very big way.
Plenty of people date when they are under 18, so I don't see it as a problem. But if he is that concerned about the age difference it will put a strain on the relationship if you try it now, so why not wait a year or two so he's not so concerned and then see what happens? If you two are really that compatable you should still be able to have friendship/chemistry after some time passes.
You're jailbait. I don't think a lot of 20 year-old's would pride themselves in dating young girls. It seems like he would wait for you, but he probably cares what people thinks, ie. him being a pedophile. Be friends with him if you think you can see yourself with him later on and can wait yourself. Otherwise, you can enjoy your youth or find boys your own age.Â
Honestly, when I was 16 I was dateing 18 and 19 year olds who could have cared less about legal age.
If he really wanted to be with you, it wouldn't matter.
Either that, or he needs to grow some balls and stop thinking about what other people would think of it.
On another note; You are wayyy wayyy wayyy to young to be hung up on one guy. If he doesn't want you right now - screw him!! No man is worth waiting 2 years for unless he's in the army!
So my advise would be to start looking elsewhere. Just laugh at his ridiculous excuses and show him how much you DON'T need him.
If he does like you, seeing you with another guy would drive him nutso. If it doesn't, move on.
Good luck dear<333333
OH he's 20? Okay thats a tad weird.
Maybe he doesn't think the friendship would be strained? Maybe he's scared that if you guys cut off ties, you'll find someone else? I don't know; just throwing it out there.
People can change in 2 years and the easier route is for the guy to date other people and have the option to have sex. Otherwise he'd have to deal with a chastity belt and if they DID have sex, he may feel guilty.
Ultimately, he took the easy way out - but he's being responsible about it.
It kinda confuses me because we've overlooked the obstacles set against us before, so why not do them again?
Now, when you say that, do you mean the two of you have gone on a date, hooked up, or had sex? Because if it was something in the sexual realm, I could understand his hesitancy right now. See, he can not only go to jail, but become a registered sex offender for the rest of his life if he was caught being sexually intimate with a minor (aka you). It doesn't matter if you consent or not in the eyes of the law because you are under the legal age limit of consensual sex (with an older person).
Quite honestly, I don't get the slew of older guys dating much younger girls lately. Are they really that unable to find a date/hook up/girlfriend that's the same/similar age and in the same place in their life as them? That's not meant to be offensive to you, just something I've been wondering in general. Maybe there's someone out there that could give me an answer?
My honest answer is to tell you to wait until he's more comfortable pursuing a relationship with you. Pushing or stressing the issue is just going to create tension.
The guy is being mature and sensible here. There are way too many barriers in front of him that could trip him up if anything could go wrong.
He's looked at the situation, understood the pitfalls and has decided to step back and wait. Kudos to him.
To the OP, you're 16: there'll be plenty of time for boys later. What's the rush? If you're really into this guy as much as you say and think you are, then you'd be OK to wait. It's a sign of maturity. Try and look at it this way: if you were 20, and you're boyfriend was 16, how would it look to you? Would you want to be with that person?
Just a few thoughts.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - Spot on!
Another thought to the OP:
Do you realize how difficult getting a job would be, heck, even just living would be if he's on the sexual offender's register?! He'd be running for the rest of his life.
Would you want that on him?
Just forget about him and enjoy what you have right now.
You're 16, still young.
AnonymousBlonde@xanga - I think guys go for younger girls now because they are alot more mature than say, 20-30 years ago.. My boyfriend is 21 and I am 18. We've been seeing each other for almost 3 years, and just last month he said to me "You know what I just realised? Im getting older and your getting hotter."
Which, for young girls is true. You generally do become "hotter" as you age into your mature self. The last boyfriend I had, who was 3 years older than me, all his female friends were empty-headed bimbo's. Seeing someone who's younger, but more mature and tollerable intregues men, I think.
And also, i beleive (correct me if im wrong) the concent age is 16 if your parents are okay with it. If they aren't, get ready for a longggg trial.
@cmdr_keen@xanga - Exactly. And considering the amount of registered offenders there are, people get caught a lot more often than one would like to admit.
cmdr_keen@xanga - ding ding ding. I know people who'd had to deal (and actually DATED without knowing) with sex offenders, and they get diddly squat. They get to talk to a psychiatrist and live under strict supervision. If they're caught even walking past a playground, JAIL TIME.
There is not leniency for people like that.
@brittbritt__x@xanga - Age of consent is really a very tricky thing. In my understanding, it is okay for a minor to engage in sexual contact with another minor at age 16 with parental permission, not someone over the legal age limit. Hence why the sex offender list is comprised of individuals over the age of 18.
Hm, I never really looked at it from that angle (about men dating younger women). I guess it's because I see a lot of young girls who are in a rush to grow up and think they're a lot more mature than they really are. Most of them are definitely not ready to enter into a relationship with someone who may want sex and/or commitment, though. Or maybe I'm just getting old and developing an inability to change with the times...::shudders::
While you may not think so, 16 and 20 is very, very different. I commend him for making the right decision. You are still young, and don't need to focus your energy on one person yet. Whether you think so or not. He is too old for you in this situation. In 2 to 4 years, maybe it won't mean as much, but you're in completely different places in your lives....what would you really have in common socially at this point? I'm not trying to say you're immature, but even I had problems dating a 22 year old when I was 17, and I was in college at the time!
I don't blame him for not wanting to get caught up in potential legal complications.
When I was 16, I dated a 22 years old. Six years difference.
Honestly, I can say that I was not ready for a relationship with a much older guy than me. He was almost done with college, know what he wanted to do, start a family, and settle down. I, on the other hand, was still experimenting what "relationships" was all about and still want to have my fun. Though we was six years apart, the chemistry was there and we communicated OKAY with one another but our maturity level was not at the same pace which torn the relationship apart.
But on your situation, I think he is doing the right thing. You are 16 and still very young to be focusing on a relationship with him. And another thing is, you are his friend from high school little sister. Waiting until you're 18 (when you're legal and maybe can date) just makes me more sense. If the chemistry is still there in two years, hey, go for it. If not, maybe it may just be a crush now. It's always better to have someone you care for as a friend than nothing at all.
AnonymousBlonde@xanga - Ahhh okay that makes a bit more sense.
At first actually when I was younger and older guys would show an interest in me, It freaked me out. It's hard for a kid to comprehend that someone older is actually paying attention to you, more so than just hanging out.
Alot of them are trying to grow up to fast. I myself was even guilty of that at one point in my life. It just takes some time for people to find themselves, and plus sex is the cool thing to do now a days, dontcha know? :P
LOL ew. Kids + Sex = weird.
Screw legal age. And chances are consent laws in your state make you legal already.
Really? Take a chance. Maybe you just have to not sleep with him until the time is more reasonable. You can do that? Maybe? TRY and keep it in your pants?
I've date guys WAY older than me. No problems have arisen surrounded legality. Really. Don't worry about it. Tell him as much and try and talk to him about it.Â
I think if he asks to be friends you can at least give it a try--until he gives in or you give up.
wait check your state laws
becuase you could be legal
my friend is 17 dating a my 23 year old cousin
a little weird for me
but I am finally getting used to it, but its perfectly legal in Texas
for example in alabama:
The age of consent in Alabama is 16.
Shown by articles of the Code of Alabama :
13A-6-70 : (c) A person is deemed incapable of consent if he is: (1) Less than 16 years old...
13A-6-67 : (a) A person commits the crime of sexual abuse in the second degree if: ...
(2) He, being 19 years old or older, subjects another person to sexual contact who is less than 16 years old, but more than 12 years old.
13A-6-62 (a) A person commits the crime of rape in the second degree if: ...
(1) Being 16 years old or older, he or she engages in sexual intercourse with a member of the opposite sex less than 16 and more than 12 years old; provided, however, the actor is at least two years older than the member of the opposite sex.
13A-6-64 : (a) A person commits the crime of sodomy in the second degree if: ...
(1) He, being 16 years old or older, engages in deviate sexual intercourse with another person less than 16 and more than 12 years old.
You clearly don't understand your situation.
Not only are you not old enough to date him, you're in high school. And he's not. Its two different worlds and when you graduate and move on to college then maybe you'll understand that.
In short, you're too immature for him physically and emotionally. Date someone your own age?
it depends what state you live in, look it up!
I live in jersey and we have a 4 year rule once you turn 16, so if your 16 its okay to date someone whos 20. I know some states have similar laws. I'm in PA now just moved b.c. of college and they have something that's similar but idk how it works.
Its nice that hese being 'good' about everything. Say you did say "f it im not waiting till im 18", and you guys get caught or whatever. It could end up hurting you guys a lot.
Good Luck with everything, i hope it works out.
Think of it this way, if you fell in love with a 12 year old, would you tell your other 16 year old friends?
seems like the age thing is the big hangup. if you have a "romeo and juliet" clause in your jurisdiction usually legally wont have an issue (says something like not statutory if within 4 years from one anotherr).
idk i'd jes think of it this way. if u guys break up. how is he guna explain the jail bait of his past. and if u decide/allowed to date the grandpa in your closet isn guna look so hot.
hold off till college, freedom to date and u'll be on a more equal playing field.
As a twenty-year old female, I beg of you to please let him go and find someone your age. I know you're all naive and eager now, but you don't know how most guys are at this point. For him to NOT act like that would be creepy, but at the same time, I 99.9% guarantee it won't work out ANYWAY.