Tuesday, 09 December 2008
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Dear Dr. Datingish: I Feel Like I'm Boring My Girlfriend
Dr. Datingish
I am 18, and this summer I got my first girlfriend. She was my first everything, from kissing to holding hands. We've been going out for almost five months now, and well, I don't really understand the situation I am in right now. I listen to everything she says, I remember every important conversation we have had and I always make sure that she has a smile on her face, whatever the cost may be.I know she has a lot of work from school and I always ask her if I can help her in any way, but it seems like every time we talk I am boring her. I am honestly trying my hardest to help her in just so she can come home and go to sleep with one less worry, but I feel like I am being neglected. I am inbexperienced at this whole boyfriend thi,g but even an idiot like me knows when something is wrong, and I really don't know what I should do.
I definitely plan to talk to her in person about what she thinks of me but is there anything else I can or should do for her?
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Comments (40)
How often do u guys see each other?
It might be that you guys are spending to much time together.Also dont try to help her with every worry in her...maybe u r not boring but might be getting to clingy or attached. she needs her space. I learned this the hard way. after almost 3 1/2 me and my bf broke up because he neeeded space...
just step a little back and see wht she does on her own.....i dont think shes bored...but u guys might have run out of things to do or talk about cuz u might be seeing a lot of each other
hope i make sense
good luck
Sounds like you're smothering her. Give her some space. And give yourself some space. Though its nice spending time together we have to make sure that we have time to pursue our other interests and activities as well. Also to meet up with some friends once in a while.
It seems she may be dealing with some of her own issues as well. Perhaps family, monetary, academic problems and its possible she doesn't want to bog you down with it. Just make her understand that you're available whenever she needs and call or see her once in a while to see how's she doing.
Its possible that your relationship is entering the 'steady' state...in which there will be a change in the relationship style from 'frequent' to 'occasional' meetings.
If it seems like you're working too hard... you probably are.
Let her be upset or stressed every once in a while. If she's never upset or stressed, she won't appreciate the times where she's happy as much.
Thus, boredom ensues.
Calm down. Find a hobby for yourself, and occasionally turn down an offer to spend time with her. Every good relationship has time apart as well as together, mood swings, and overall craziness. Let it happen.
Don't think that that would make you a bad boyfriend. You, from your explanation, are a pretty exemplary one, except for the fact that she's your whole world. Calm down with that mess.
Best of luck.
Dont try so hard, Give her space, and be a little contradictory once in a while. Be yourself, not an ideal puppy.
I know it seems like everyone wants someone who is super nice, but I don't think any of us want that at the expense of reality. Don't just think about her needs, think about yours too because it seems as though you may be too appeasing.
You're being too nice and too available. Absence make the heart grow fonder and, for some reason, women/girls prefer a guy who is a bit of a challenge. If you're always there like a puppy dog she will soon find yourself being her "friend" when she finds a guy who will act more like a guy.
talk to her.. ask HER what she wants =)
and yes, be yourself.. she shouldn't be with you because you fulfill her ideal boyfriend model.. she should like you because you're you.
Worse comes to worse, treat her like crap.
Women love that stuff.
(not serious about this one, j/k... or am i??)
No matter how stupid everyone thinks it is;
PLAYING HARD TO GET ACTUALLY WORKS.
Scary, I know. Makes you think how intellegent the human race really is.
Don't pay so much attention to her. Sometimes it makes women feel a certain claustraphobia when men are all over them. Some like it. Most don't. But don't completely ignore her, she'll feel neglected and not want to see you anymore.
Women are messed in the head. So really, no matter what you do your girlfriend (until you get married) will always act like a weirdo.
guys that are too nice bore girls.
You're the definition of "clingy" and clingy = unattractive.
Give her space, man. You're swamping her, crowding her and stifling her. You need to both do you own thing now and then. Unless you're Siamese twins, you don't need to be joined at the hip.
Remember that your girlfriend survived before you just fine, and will be able to do so with you in the picture too. You dont need to do every last little thing for her in order to keep her affection. She likes you for who you are, not what you can do for her in terms of everyday chores and tasks. Chill out!
There's only so much two people can talk about and do before it starts getting old and boring, quickly. That's why your girlfriend doesnt seem to be as "into you" as she used to be.
Step back, and give her space otherwise very quickly your very first girlfriend is going to turn into your very own ex-girlfriend.
you can talk to her about what's wrong.
As per what everyone else has said: give her space, don't be clingy, and don't try too hard. Be yourself. If that's super nice, cool. But it's ok to show her your ugly side too. Don't go to great lengths to hide who you are in order to give her one less worry. That's not to say to be a douche, either... But hopefully you get what I'm saying. Just be you. That should also solve the boring factor.
slap her around a little bit. that'll create some drama!
i agree with everyone else. you are smothering her. girls like a little bit of mystery to a guy. if you're around all the time, then it's no fun. surprise her with things you normally wouldn't do! try poking! worked wonders for me. sometimes, little annoyances are the quirks that enable relationships to survive for as long as they did.
if all fails, you can always give her the finger
I agree on playing hard to get. Just do it. But do it subtly, not obviously. Be busy, have other priorities that you regularly have but "need" to put ahead of her. Little things that she won't be able to rationally show offence to. It looks like she's taking you for granted at this point, and you're borderline whipped. So yes, that's how you stop it. At the same time, if you start to feel yourself getting worked up about the fact, remember that she may just not be aware of what she's doing. We'd all like to think that others reflect on their actions, but many (most?) people don't.
Well, it seems like you're making a good effort now. Perhaps if you point out to her the things you already try to do, she will be more appreciative.
Also, try to understand that sometimes, you can't do *anything* to make her feel better. Stresses from other parts of her life shouldn't affect her when she's not in school, but they will. When she seems upset, sometimes the best thing you can do is just to let her be. Sometimes this entails just holding her without having to talk. And sometimes it means just leaving her to work on some homework or with her thoughts.
If she is really feeling bored, then maybe you both need some time or some activities that are out of your routine - each having your own time would be very helpful, because you will be more energized when you come back together.
Or maybe it's time to just call it a day and move on. Talk to her, see what she says, and get back to us.
Got your first girlfriend? You make it sound like you just bought your first car...
Like all the other people say, you're smothering her...It happens to the best of us, but don't worry...It's better that you caught it now...
Find something to do that doesn't give you so much free time so that when you guys do finally get together, you'll have something to talk about...Go live life...Make an adventure out of it...Do stuff with your friends while she's busy and have a grand old time...
It works much better this way...
take @whatyourBFreallythinks@xanga's advice.. it's probably the best one on here, by far, haha~
So I'm going to be going ahead a agreeing with everyone above me. I was in your girl's situation with my last boyfriend, i was his first and he was so sweet and caring and doted on me all the time that I couldn't take it. I'd already had a few boyfriends and while it was great for the first while, after a some time, you want to date a normal human being not your own personal call boy. Don't be so available and she'll start to be not so bored. Or....
Have you ever heard the song Everything You Want, by Vertical Horizon? Its a little... harsh... but sometimes it happens for no good reason.
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why
Good luck
you are doing the ultimate mistake ! BEING TOO AVAILABLE . I am not a guy. but I know.. cause the guys that listen to me so much, nag me , show me he cares so much are the ones I do not want to be near because they are so annoying. The boyfriend I have now, I think he's the perfect blend of enough. He cares , but he doesnt always show it, which means I dont expect it alot from him , he calls at night, we have our own life he's not always asking me what im doing every second of the day and same for me I dont nag him , we have our own little space and when we dont see each other we enjoy our time so much more because it makes it that much more special. i know you dont like the game of chase because youre already her boyfriend, but i'm sorry , even in a relationship you have to play the chase game.. just know , she needs her space, just like you would need yours too.
i used to have a boyfriend like that , i know he meant well with good intentions but hearing from him all the time so so annoying. just chill back a little , let her come to you when she wants help
Loosen up a bit. Let go a bit. Let her have time of her own, and you dont need to be with her 24/7. Trust me, I had an ex bf like that and in the end it was a bit too much. Sometmes you need to let her miss you a bit and think about you on her own without interference from you.
On top of everyone else's great ideas here, I'd like to add that while it's great that you're there for her, I think you should show her a little bit of your own personality. I don't see ANYTHING in your post about you telling her about yourself or doing things you like - just about wanting to please her and do things that please her.
So find a balance between wanting to make her happy and letting her see more of what you're really like - what you like doing! Any hobbies or things. One thing I find really exciting about dating is discovering the other person's hobbies, habits, likes, dislikes, etc.
Give her a little space, it sounds like your too perfect.
I had a guy friend like that once, and yes, he was sweet, but it was on the verge of sticky sweet. She is not helpless and she might be feeling like you think she is.
Plus, be honest with her, dont tell her what you think she wants to hear, tell her what you honestly think. Because although we ( us girls ) like to hear that we are right, we dont particuliarly like it when we know we're wrong and your just trying to make us feel better about ourselves =P A dose of reality is sometimes the best ^^
T_T
not all girls are neurotic creatures who need a guy to act an ass for them to be attracted to them...anyway
just talk to your girlfriend! most problems between couples are the result of miscommunications of needs or wants.
You are being too clingy. By making yourself so conscious regarding every concern related to your girlfriend, you're smothering her. Girls like their space. You can be attentive but at a distance. I hope you don't spend all your free time waiting to talk to her or thinking of how you can make her life easier. Go out & do things you enjoy.. like the things you did before the relationship. Hang out with your friends.
I disagree with those who say that after a while, you run out of things to talk about in a relationship. I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years [friends for longer] & we always seem to learn something new about the other person each time we talk.
Look at the bright side, at least you realized this.. Some people I've encountered don't reflect much & seek to change themselves to better the relationship. I wish you luck~ Do bring this up during the conversation you have with her.. I'd be honest about your feelings & tell her how you're looking to change it & ask her if she had any suggestions. :)