Monday, 08 December 2008
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Dear Dr. Datingish: I Feel Guilty About Dumping My Depressed BF
Dr. Datingish
I'm seriously about to put my head through the f**king wall. I'm stuck in a bind, I can't get myself out of it and it's driving me absolutely out of my mind. Well, that and add the fact that I have finals coming up I'm a total disaster.But putting all the finals stuff aside for a moment; I'm having a bit of trouble with my boyfriend. I've been seeing this guy for about a month now and I'm not necessarily crazy about him. In fact, lately I've been wondering if I really like this guy. He's a nice guy and all, but I'm the man in the relationship and I can't stand it. I want to date a man who is...well...a man. I find myself looking at other guys (like random coworkers) and imagining what things would be like if I were dating them. And, to be honest, I feel almost as if I'm cheating on my boyfriend, because I find myself wishing I were with these other guys. As of late, I've also been having dreams - dreams of me seeing and dating other guys.
Typically, I would break it off with him because I'm getting signs that maybe I shouldn't be in a relationship right now. But there's one thing and one thing only that really holds me back. It's my dearest friend :GUILT.
My boyfriend has had a really hard life and is prone to depression. I've been in a previous relationship where I broke up with the guy and he attempted suicide. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with, so what do I do now? Do I break it off with him and risk that or stay with him and perhaps risk my unhappiness? Could I fall in love with him as he has me?
Any and all help would be greatly appreciated!
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Comments (78)
DO IT NOW.
Don't wait. I was just in the same situation. Except I waited a year. Don't think you won't take it that far, because I didn't think guilt could keep me in it for that long and yet here I am.
You're not gonna like him any more than you do right now if you just "hang in there for a little while longer" anyway, I tried that mentality.
xo
You cannot let guilt make you stay in a relationship. Neither of you will get anything out of it and you'll just find yourself unhappy. Get out of it now, while he really isn't THAT attached to you; its only been a month. If he's not what you're looking for, its time to move on.
Whatta tough situation.
Break up with him but still be friends I say.
Never stay with someone because of guilt! Especially if you have only been with this guy for a month. If you really want to get out, then do it now!
you're an asshole for playing it out that long.
Do what is best for you. It's not your fault if someone else takes things to the extreme. People live through heartache every day. You need to put your happiness above his, otherwise you will end up resenting him and the position you feel he has put you in, just break it off now. Don't risk the chance you might cheat on him and cause him more pain than he needs to experience.
I would break up with him. Like most people already said, you don't want to risk your own happiness. Also, some friendly advice... stop dating guys with a history of depression. Women tend to have this "thing" about dating men who are emotionally distraught. It doesn't help you and it definitely doesn't help him.
@jewjewbeedragon@xanga - Agreed. Perhaps you have a dating pattern of gravitating towards depressed and/or dependent men who crave your help?
Convince him to seek professional help (i.e. therapy). And yeah, I would break up with him before it gets even worse and he gets even more depressed. If you want to, and if you're capable of this, tell him that you can be there for him as a friend, and that as a friend he needs to seek therapy. And then stick by that - don't let him treat YOU as his therapist. You can even make your friendship conditional on him seeing a qualified therapist. That way you absolve yourself of responsibility - you are not responsible for his happiness or mental health.
Good luck!
you should definitely do it now
things will only get worst if you drag it out
Ew I've been there.
Its best to consider your mental health and get out as fast as you can!
Tell him you cannot handle being in a relationship with him at the moment. Suggest continuing to be friends. As guilty as you'll feel, you'll feel so much better instead of stressing over this on top of finals. If he threatens with suicide, what can you do? It is not your duty to save him. As a friend, you can be there for him. Plus, I wouldn't want to be with someone who cannot handle a break up. Tell him to seek professional help.
@jewjewbeedragon@xanga - 100% agreed
Like others have said, break up with him now rather than dragging it out. It will only get worse as time passes.
I would steer clear of guys whose mental illness is so bad that it poses a risk to themself or others. Until they can get their situation under control they should not be dating.
GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!
No joke, sister. These are the worst kinds of relationships to be in. You DON'T deserve to be the man if that's NOT what you want. If you're wasting your time with this guy and you're just /hoping/ you're gonna love him back, then you're wasting his time, too.
You can be there for him as a friend (since that's probably what you're best suited to do) and he (hopefully) has other friends who will support him if you break up with him.
I have been in your shoes WAY too many times to recount and I wish someone had really convinced me to leave. It would have been SO much easier!
(That having been said, wait til finals are over. You don't need the extra stress)
No matter what you do, it is NEVER your fault if someone attempts or succeeds at suicide. If you truly feel he is at risk of hurting himself or someone else, break up with him quietly in a public area, or call the police/a crisis intervention center to report your concerns.
*insert band-aid analogy here*
NO WAY! Get out. You're not responsible for his life. You owe him nothing.
Oh, honey...yeah, I've been there. Both in the depression, and the...er...girly man. I'll tell you now--if you're getting these signals now, run. Run far away. It's like kicking a puppy, and it'll feed that guilt, but you'll be miserable if you stay with him. Sometimes, you gotta be cold. And if he tries suicide, it is not your fault. If he succeeds, it is not your fault. No matter what he may say, it is not your fault. Unless you've found a way to control his emotions and mind, nothing he does or says is your fault. Easier said than believed, I know, but still--doesn't change the fact that you don't control him. You can only control what you do for you. If you're not responsible for you, then who will be? Just trust me--get out when your gut says to, rather than waiting to do it. It only makes things harder on both of you. Oh, and that "maybe I'll like him better as time goes on" thing never works. I've tried that, too...
Good luck, hon.
-Katie
The thing is that it's pretty obvious that you won't end up marrying him, so you're going to have to break up with him sometime. It will be easier on both of you if you just do it now instead of letting things get any more serious. It will be hard to do, but it's better for both of you in the long run.
you better do it now
it's only been a month& you're already stressed? WTH!
If you no longer want to be in the relationship, then you should break it off. If you drag it out, it is not fair to yourself and more importantly it is not fair for him. However, just b/c you don't want to be his g/f doesn't mean you guys can't be friends. Unless you absolutely don't want anything to do with him.
As I am reading some of the comments, I CAN'T believe how many people want you to break it off and have NOTHING to do with the guy. Ladies, talk about being fucking heartless. I sincerely hope, after breaking up with him, you would still be there for him as a friend. Help him fight through his inner demons.
@abcxunt@xanga - I'd call it well-meaning. There's nothing asshole-ish whatsoever about attempting to put someone else's needs over your own and caring about someone's well-being, which is essentially what she's doing. Asshole-ish would be the opposite of that - acting only in self interest. Not going to say it wasn't a mistake for her to draw it out that long, though.
@JessxMaxine@xanga - "it's not your job to save him", did you actually sat there and typed those words out? I am SO sure if a guys breaks up with his g/f and tell you "it's not my job to save her" you WOULD think he is asshole/heartless.
@Nicola_Six@xanga - I can tell you are a good friend to have. I could never approach you when I have emotional issues or anything that kind, b/c you don't want responsibility of that kind.
@irishgrrl690@xanga - "These are the worst kinds of relationships to be in." Worse than being in an abusive relationship, where there are physical and emotional abuse?
Girl, I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. I had dated my last boyfriend for almost 2 years before I broke up with him and it was a similar situation. He had been hospitalized before for serious depression and was one of our struggles in our relationship at first until he started telling me things like "You're the only one that has ever made me feel completely happy" and "I think I would just die if I didn't have you in my life" Yikes! But that was not the reason why I broke up with him. I realized after some time that we were just not right for each other, and where he wanted to settle down soon, I wasn't sure if he was "The One" . I had to deal with the same beast you are, Guilt. A year and a half in is when I realized this wouldn't be going anywhere. I was miserable being with him, but I knew that he would probably go off the deep end if I broke up with him. It took me another 6 months until I was able to work up the courage to break it off with him....and yes he struggled, and yes I felt bad about it. But he didn't try to kill himself and I got over it. Why? Because our relationship wasn't good for either of us. Breaking up with him now would be doing him a favor rather then dragging it on because it will make you feel bad if you do. Actually, that is really quite selfish of you if you keep putting it off. No one likes being the bad guy but it has to be done for BOTH your sakes. And I know it sounds heartless but like some said earlier, his happiness in life is not your responsibility. He must learn to be happy with himself first, and get the help that he needs. Please don't make the same mistake I did.
PS: If a guy threatens to kill himself if you leave him he's being manipulative and you should probably call a public service to make sure he gets some sort of help.