This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.My boyfriend and I don't really argue. So far, the only thing that we disagree about is my going clubbing. We had a big talk about it the last time I went, so I haven't gone since. This was over a month ago.
He presented me with this question: Why do you like to go to the club?
At the time, I didn't have an answer and I've been asking myself that same question ever since.
Some people go clubbing to meet new people. Some go to pick up girls or guys. Some go to get drunk or drugged up on other narcotics. Some
just go to dance.
Why do I go? I go because I like to dance. I go because I like the atmosphere. I go because it's fun. Why is it fun? At the club, I feel like I can be anyone I want to be. When I'm there, I have a confidence that you wouldn't normally find in me on a regular day. I get much more attention than I normally would, and that's what boosts my confidence.
Mind you, most of this attention is from the male gender and I'm sure my that's the part that my boyfriend worries about the most. He told me he doesn't understand the concept of a club - he defines it as a place where single people go to get drunk and be promiscuous.
So here's my question: is it wrong to go to the club when you have a significant other? Is there some sort of compromise or middle ground that could solve this sort of dilemma?
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Comments (126)
i can understand his frustration. however couldn't you both go out together? or better yet have a boys/girls night. but why is he so worried? is it because you haven't been going out for that long and he's not fully confident in your relationship and other guys are still a threat. relationships whether sexual or just friendships should be based on trust & if you don't have any then maybe you need to re-evaluate the relationship
while i agree with your bf that clubbing sucks, and while i disagree with your reasons for liking it, i still think it's not his decision about whether you should be able to go do it. and no, there's nothing wrong with clubbing just because you're not single, as long as you're not doing things with guys he wouldn't want you to be doing...or equivalently, what you wouldn't want him to be doing with a girl if he was at a club. (talking to guys is NOT one of those things--that's unreasonable.)
It is not wrong to go to a club if you have a significant other. It is not cheating to talk to members of the opposite sex. And you are not your boyfriends property - he doesn't get to decide what you do and where you go and when you go.
Compromises are for things that affect you both in reasonable ways. He is just being jealous and insecure.
If you really want to mother him, take him to the club with you. Otherwise I suggest you tell him to grow a pair. If you didn't want to fuck him, you'd be fucking your coworkers, or your classmates, or your other male friends.
Going to a club is just you having fun and a little time for yourself. If he can't get that in his head, maybe he needs to mature a little and understand that relationships don't mean ownership.
The compromise would be to go together. It's perfectly natural to like attention from the opposite sex, however, if you feel you "really" need that attention, maybe you should take a deeper look at yourself. There is nothing wrong with going to the club with your friends and having a good time. Guys have their things, and girls have theirs.
I think social places like bars/clubs really have a bad reputation. I see nothing wrong with going with a bunch of friends and dancing. However, if you're "pretending" to be something you're not, then your boyfriend has a right to be worried.
No, In My Opinion It Is Not Wrong At All! If You Are Going To The Club Only To Dance, Then Why Not? Though, I Understand What He Is Trying To Do. My BoyFriend/Fiance, Does Not Even Want Me To Speak To Another Man. Whenever We Are Walking Hand In Hand And Someone Speak's To Me Or Say's Word's Like "Hey Gorgeous", He Will Just Squeeze My Hand A Bit Hard Or Pull Me In Toward's Him Almost Like A Quick Collide. Same Thing Goes For Men, That Stare. What The Main Point Is, Is That Your BoyFriend Is In Love With You Very Much And Does Not Want Other's To Even Be Near You. I Would Not Be Surprised If In His Mind, He Truly Want's To Marry You!
I Understand That It May Seem So Unfair That You Cannot Go And That You Could Feel As He Does Not Trust You But Men That Are In True Love, Act Very Very Very Overprotective. What Can Us Women, Do?
I think the root of the problem stems from your definitions of a what "a club" entails.
In a way, you're both right in your definitions, but they're merged - guys (and girls, to an extent) go to clubs to try and pick up single girls or guys, and it's also a place where people can let their hair down, share a drink or two and dance the night away.
Right now, I'd say that your boyfriend is only trying to look out for you and do what he thinks is best for you. It might take time for him to come around to letting you do what you want to do that you enjoy, but he will eventually.
As for compromise, do you invite him to go with you? Perhaps if you're together he will feel less threatened by the attention you're given, although that opens another can of worms as it highlights the fact that your boyfriend may have a few insecurity problems in your relationship, and that he might be seeking to "control" your relationship - both bad signs, really.
Personally, if my fiancee wanted to go clubbing, I'd be all for it. Especially if she is with friends or me, I know that she'll be safe and I don't need to worry that she'll be trying to "hook up". I wouldn't have a problem or an issue with it.
Ultimately, the only thing that you can do is communicate with him: hear both sides of the argument, and make your decision from there. This issue should be blown out of proportion.
I don't think it's wrong to go to the club if you're in a relationship, but I can definitely see why your boyfriend wouldn't want you to go clubbing. He probably wouldn't want you getting hit on, etc.
Even though he doesn't get the concept of the club and probably won't want to go, try bringing him anyway, just so he can see what it's all about. Also, he'll have no reason to be jealous if he's there with you.
This post could not have come at a more perfect time. For me it's the other way around. I don't really like it when my boyfriend goes out clubbing with his buddies--not because I'm insecure or don't have any trust in him, but solely because, in contrary to your statement, I don't like the atmosphere...AT ALL, for reasons why I don't really need to delve into.
I do let him go out every Friday night with his boys. I figure, he only does this once a week, maybe two at the most, so he deserves to have a little fun plus I trust him. My only aversion towards clubs is simply, once again, the atmosphere. Why the atmosphere? The presence of unlimited alcohol and people getting/acting drunk just really turn me off and I find those things really distasteful.
Generally speaking, it's not wrong to go to a club when you're in a relationship, as long as you have self-control and know how to handle yourself. But it also wouldn't hurt to let your S.O. know where you are either.
Funny thing, I asked my gf the same thing. She stopped going, but she'll ask me if I could go sometimes for bdays, holidays, whatever reason. I feel bad when she asks me, but I say yes. The thing is, it's not that I don't want her to go at all, I just don't want her to go pretty much every night like she used to.
I don't know if your bf feels the same as I do, but I prefer my gf not to go because of health. It's not just clubbing that she goes to that night. She hits the bars with her friends. I prefer her not to drink so much. I remember she used to ask me to drive her home from god knows where all drunk.
Well, in the end, it's best to openly talk to your bf about this. It might not be that he is selfishly restraining you, there could be other reasons.
Well... I would take him clubbing WITH you. I used to really like that scene until I got into a LDR. The only reason I don't go anymore is because I just don't have as much fun as if he was there. I think if you guys went together, then you both might understand each others' positions better.
As for a concession... maybe make sure you're with a group of girlfriends who also like to dance for the sake of dancing. Then you can all watch each others' backs for creepers. I think that might reassure him a bit.
Hm. There's nothing inherently wrong with going to the club. However, I would propose a compromise.
Either, you can home-make a "club" atmosphere with your girlfriends by turning down the lighting, turning on some music, and just dancing with each other...
Or you can invite your bf to join you. I'm sure he'd enjoy watching you dance.
That is, IF you're dancing by yourself. If you're grinding against these flirtatious guys (probably the scenario your bf is imagining), then I can see why he would be upset.
Insecure boyfriend, ftw. Why can't you bring the big baby with you?
IF you want, you can always bring your boyfriend to the club with you. He should know by then yyou seem like the type that wants to have a little fun.
@DrizzlingVelvetRain@xanga - You are soooo brainwashed by a controlling, manipulative bfd. This is BAD ADVICE for the girl above.
And what's with all the capitals??
LOL. Sorry, but this is just a funny question. Who sets the rules from right to wrong? Your bf is just being insecure. Either that or you're doing something that is causing him to feel insecure. Talk it out with him, compromise.... I'm sure there's SOMETHING that your bf does that bothers you. Bring that up and see if you guys can find a common ground and compromise.
I dont see why you can't go clubbing just because you have a SO. Should you stop living YOUR life because your SO isnt happy about it? Why would you "change" your hobbies or what you do on YOUR spare time? You guys need to have a life away from each other anyways.
I don't see the problem as long as you aren't going to grind on other guys?
It is not wrong to go to the club b/c you have a SO but it will make going a lot harder when that SO doesn't like it. Â There is no compromise. Â He doesn't like it, he doesn't like. Â I see many girls who go and that have SO but maybe their SO aren't insecure with that fact. Â I don't know, it is case specific. You can give in to this request if you don't mind but if you do resentment will start accumulating and the bf is as good as gone.
There is nothing wrong with it, but honestly I would not go without my boyfriend. I'd feel bad if I danced with another guy, but that's just me. Besides, I don't like the attention I get from older men. Maybe I'm just too young, but it really creeps me out.
I don't think anything is wrong with just going to the club to hang out. If I went without my boyfriend I'd go with a small group of girl friends that I would dance with. The only thing that sucks about that is guys are always trying to dance with you and I don't want to dance with any of them, ick. At the same time my personality isn't strong enough to be all ew, I don't want to dance with you...because I don't want to be mean. So I just end up awkwardly dancing with guys.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with going clubbing when you have a significant other. It is your prerogative to do as you please. You are entitled to go out if you want. It is harmless. You shouldn't however ignore his concerns or feelings. A relationship is compromise. While the independent woman in me says you should go out whenever you want, you should also be mindful and respectful of your SO's feelings.
It's not wrong. My ex hated it when I went out, but he never wanted to go with me. I love dancing...I'd go with a big group of my friends and have a blast.
He's probably a bit insecure, but that's on him. Go, have fun, enjoy yourself.
no matter how much you enjoy being with the boyfriend, i think it's unhealthy in the long term if you can't/not allowed to have fun without him.Â
take him out to go clubbing once =) or go with your own friends when he's hanging out with his buddies.if he's worried about you being with other guys, then assure him that you're not.. by having a long talk, or call him while you're out to tell him you're thinking of him, or take him along so he is more familiar in the environment.. he should trust you.No, I don't see anything wrong with it. But if you're going to dance with a guy, dance with a guy friend. At least then there's a 50/50 chance that they guy will actually look out for you, and there's a good chance your boyfriend has already met him and has an idea who it is. If you're just going to dance and the atmosphere, that shouldn't be a problem for you.
You shouldn't compromise who you are, and what you want to do for anyone, not even your boyfriend.
If you find yourself in a relationship where you're compromising, get out.
There is more to this story, there always is. You stated: "I get much more attention than I normally would, and that's what boosts my confidence. Mind you, most of this attention is from the male gender..." No doubt your boyfriend is insecure but it seems you are too. Is the attention your boyfriend gives you not enough? Another thing however is his activities. He has no right to bitch about anything if he is doing something comparable. (See below)
I am not comfortable with my SO going out to the club without me and I don't go out to certain venues to make things fair. This however is just my insecurities, due largely to the fact that almost every girl I've ever dated has cheated on me. But we aren't talking about me. If he hates it so much there has to be something comparable that you hate equally that he should do when you go out to the club. A strip club perhaps? He would get attention via dancing from females that have no intention of sleeping with him while you are dancing with guys who are trying to sleep with you. Sounds fair to me.
Clubbing is fun .
I love it, and my boyfriend gets kinda iffy when i decide to go out clubbing without him . But i would be kinda jealous and or nervous too i guess if he went out to a club with him and his buddys. only because yeahh its where people pick up get fucked up and or what ever and its like a couples instinct to feel a little nervous .
Say that trust is an important part in a relationship . Loyality .And going out having fun without him is only going to prove that you are loyal . or what ev .