Monday, 08 December 2008

• Beware The 30-Year-Old Virgin

  This is a guest blog submitted by lil_squirrel4ever.
  
  Before I start, I must say that I had hesitations about writing this for fear of offending some readers, but in the end, I decided that this entry had to be written as a warning for my fellow female Xangans who may be unfortunate enough to come across the fabled 30-40-Year-Old Virgin.
  
  Here is my unscientific theory, based on my relatively short - yet eventful - twenty-five years of (in)experience.  You can take it, read it thoroughly, and then throw whatever feedback you please my way.
  
  I must also throw in a disclaimer about how my goal and intent was not to defame, insult, or humiliate any poor soul at all, but much rather to provide a kind of real life education that some people, like me, would be thankful for.  What better way to learn than to be spared the painful scars of falling on your own tiny or substantial ass by living vicariously through others?
  
  Perhaps because of the well-received, and perhaps even heartwarming romantic comedy of late - the unforgettable "40-Year-Old Virgin" - it has become somewhat of a novelty of a notion to nab that inexperienced, shy, but promising male that lingers in the back stockroom, waiting to be weaned from his little shell.
  
  I am going to debunk that little fantasy, because in the end, the woman who thinks that she's strong enough, patient enough, or just plain bored or desperate enough to try conquering such a feat as the 30-40-Year-Old Virgin is pretty much going down the road of frustration, hurt and defeat.
  
  I will list my arguments simply and succinctly.  I believe that most 30-40-year-old virgins possess at least one, if not all, of these issues, and if he does, you should run the other way because he's not worth the trouble.
  
  1) As a good friend of mine once told me, any geek still functions based on the relative amount of blood flow to his throbbing member, meaning that if a guy - any guy, no matter how shy - wants you bad enough, he's going to go for it.  This theory is supported by the ever-popular, Oprah-backed bestseller He's Just Not Into You.  Perhaps the feminist "do it yourself" movement has gone to far by motivating otherwise successful women into doing the lazy man's job (read: defeatist behavior of pushing him both into and through a relationship that is bound to crash and burn).  Perhaps the book has a good point: if he's not asking you out and making you feel special enough that you're not questioning your status, then maybe he's just not that into you, and therefore not worth the trouble and heartache.  True, some geeks are shy and need some prodding and pushing, but why should you be the guinea pig for a social experiment?
  
  2) Any geek can get laid if he wants to. Yes my globetrotting is limited to some parts of Europe and North America, but anyone with even one working eye can see that sex is not limited to the beautiful or intelligent minority.  In fact, I am bombarded with enough Ugly People PDA that I am more than convinced of this theory. Our minds have a way of playing tricks on us when we fall in love, and then there's always cheap booze or the cheap hooker on the corner. So, in the end, if this guy is crying that he's never gotten some nooky just because he is still waiting for the one - the lucky you - then most likely something is truly wrong with him. Sure, some guys out there have a strict moral code that makes them take strange vows of abstinence, but those guys are rare and few and far between. Men have plenty of sperm to spread around with random women on random park benches, so what makes you so special that he's been waiting his whole life to save it for you?  Most likely it is some fantastical lie to cover up his anti-socialness that is so freaky (à la "serial murderer" freaky) that would make him a less than cuddly companion.  
  
  3) Opposites do not usually attract in the long term.  First of all, consider yourself lucky if you have managed at all to attract someone who is radically above you in status in any way (looks, intelligence, personality).  How can two people from two different worlds come together harmoniously if they have lived different lives and have such radically different viewpoints?  How on earth can someone meet the needs of someone whose perspectives are so different from her own?  Good communication goes a long way, but in the end, it poses a kind of challenge that few relationships can handle.   
  
  And for those who like to say "I told you so," I've learned that chemistry (read: LUST) is not a good predictor of relationship success or compatibility between two people.  Just because you are initially attracted to someone doesn't mean it is going to work.  This sucks, but it's the painful truth that I've had to swallow.
  
  4) He's an antisocial hermit.  It takes a lot for a truly introverted, antisocial guy to come out of his shell.  First of all, many men are loners (sorry Mr. Peanut for another generalization, but it's true!). Maybe guys just don't crave the same kind of personal and emotional interaction we females do, hence the many hours sitting alone in front of the computer observing/sharing porn, playing long-ass, addictive video games and settling in front of the boob tube.  
  
  The 30-40-year-old virgin is a special loner of the exaggerated sense; his social awkwardness has confined him to so many years of hermitdom that for him to come out of it would be like coming out of his familiar and comfortable cave into the blaring sunlight. It's not fun, and he's most likely going to dart back in before you can do anything about it.  The simple solution would be to join him, but who's to say you would truly enjoy this or that he would even want to share his toys with you so you can partake in the things that his pathetic life has forsaken him to?
  
  5) Speaking of toys, perhaps his virgin status is directly related to his maturity.  Who really wants a ten-year old boy for a partner?  In the end, his wants and needs are limited to seeing and touching your fun parts, and if you slap his hand away, he is just going to go to the corner and sulk while you have to make up your mind to appease him and just let him do it, or better yet, send him away like you probably should.  Talk about creepy...unless, of course, you possess some kind of Freudian mother/son complex or something.
  
  6) Delusions of Grandeur.  He's single because he thinks he's model worthy, but in fact, he's no Leo.  Sorry Mr. 30-40-year-old virgin, no Giselle for you (doesn't matter if you're 6'1", too, Mister). Yes, there's always that slight possibility that you could and would nab that hot piece of ass, but if you had to wait this long and still haven't gotten lucky, then maybe it's time to face reality - she's just too hot for you.  *pop*
  
  Girl in waiting: he may fall and/or settle for the less-than-model types (read: the average girls like me or you), but his delusions of grandeur will lead him to lose interest right off the bat because you were just some kind of screwed-up confirmation in his head that he could easily move up the ladder to someone bigger and better.  His unrealistic bubble needs to be popped by someone who actually wants to waste her own time on such an arrogant ass.
  
  7) He's scared of the entire female species. His interactions with women are therefore very limited (probably to his own mother and sister who are "safe"), and he has a very narrow understanding of the female kind as a result.  A good indicator of this is that he lacks the experience of platonic female companionship and thinks this to be an impossible notion. "Guys and girls can't just be friends" -  I've heard it too many times before from really creepy men.  Not exactly your ideal pickup line, IMO.
  
  As a result, he would have difficulty grasping the way that women and men connect on a whole different kind of level (friendship-wise, intimate relationship-wise), and will have skewed expectations of what to expect and what he should be contributing to the relationship. In simple terms, he is going to treat you badly. Like I said before, why should you be the guinea pig? 
  
  In the end, it is in a way quite perplexing; despite all the blatant negatives, why would any girl want such a guy?  Well, I can tell you that it is possibly this fairy tale notion in our heads that the 30-40-year-old virgin is the undiscovered jewel floating somewhere in the confusing and scary sea of players and "bad boys" waiting to be shined to perfection.  
  
  Imperfect in nature, he supposedly should expect less of us, placing our imperfect selves on gleaming pedestals because we would be the goddesses in his eyes.  For once, we want to give the "nice guy" a chance.  So Mr. Nice Guy, if you are still out there and looking for a decent girl with good values and a strong sense of who she is and what she wants, then here I am, still waiting and willing to devote whatever remnants of her heart that is still intact. 
  

  • 3:30 PM
  • 73783 Views
  • 255 eProps
  • 208 Comments