This is a guest blog submitted by lafemme.I've always hoped to be an optimist tugging onto the belief that "the best revenge is genuine happiness", but when I logged onto Facebook and saw that my ex-boyfriend was having his apparent "genuine happiness," it convinced me that the only way to ever be happy from the aftermath of our relationship was to challenge and match up to his beer pong escapades. We both mutually agreed that breaking up would be the best choice if we didn't want to risk putting our friendship on the line.
On a hot and slow burning afternoon of an ending summer, he bluntly told me outside his car that he didn't want a girlfriend in college and have to live a relationship on keyboard. A virgin-drinker until his senior summer, he said he wanted a true "college experience" (what does that really mean, honestly?) and that being tied down would limit all the things he could take advantage of. With eight days of his silent treatment to prepare me for any counter-attack, I told him that he was right and that I also didn't want the burden of lugging our relationship, this heavy luggage (commitment takes up a lot of space) onto my car along with my microwave to college.
Breaking up felt right, and it definitely finally lifted this weight of paranoia, stress, disgust and anger from my shoulder; we ended our relationship with the same amount of respect we'd always had for each other. I was happy and ready to start a fresh chapter of my life with the mentality of, once again, "the best revenge is genuine happiness".
However, logging onto Facebook (which ruins your life post-breakup, by the way!) and seeing pictures of him really getting his "college experience" bugged the SHIT out of me.
I felt uneasy and angry - angry that his choice of breaking up was right and that he was living the college life he wanted (the usual, with beer pong and 18+ clubbing). As I sat in my dorm room on a Friday night looking at his pictures, his posting up pictures felt more like posting up a challenge to me. Yes, I know how to have a good time, baby, but I thought with all due respect to the emotions I put into our relationship and this being only first two days of college, I had the right to take things slow. But his pictures pushed me; his new beer pong partner's triumphant comments pushed me.
...which might explain why I was taking shots at the Alpha Kappa Delta Phi rush week after party on the sixth day of college. I mean, it makes a girl think
did I go yesterday for myself or for him?Now, after a clear head and morning shower, it makes me wonder, is every post-breakup relationship activity a challenge to see who has a better "since you been gone" lifestyle? I made a decision that I was not about to broadcast my night on Facebook and keep the good time to myself (and all who were with me). I mean, I did have a good (safe!) time, but I refuse to play this naive and childish "I'm happier than you" game.
We promised we were breaking up on good terms, but didn't we just defeat the purpose of "good terms" by our actions and our unwillingness to be the first one to step up and talk to the other?
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Comments (69)
Living your life without letting thought of him control you would be the best revenge. (That or taking a shower with his best friend.)
Facebook has a tendency to ruin a lot of relationships, not just the ones that are broken.
You did the right thing by not broadcasting like he did. Whether you went out for yourself or to simply retaliate doesn't matter. You were the bigger person by not stooping to that level. Eventually, he's probably gonna wonder what you've been up now that he's gone.... I say keep him in the dark and don't pay him any more attention. Keep him at a distance, and continue to enjoy yourself. The whole battle to see 'who's happier than who' really is pointless, but we've all fallen for the trap once or twice lol.
I think it's kind of along the lines of; "I've changed and am a better person since we split up". So? I mean what does that have to do with me? We broke up. Any changes you've made to your life (maybe things I wanted from you all along) don't have anything to do with me.
Finding your own bliss is the best thing. Don't look at is as 'revenge' because to seek revenge means you are still hung up on this person. If you are really 'over' them, you won't care what they think of your new found happiness.
That's the problem with women - we always want to view things done by our exes as some sort of psychological attack on us.
Honey, he's probably not attacking you or trying to make you feel worse. He's just enjoying his "full college experience" and you know what? You're going to be better off without someone who thinks that rampant sex, drinking, and drugging is something that one needs to make a college experience complete.
Delete him from your Facebook. Delete yourself from Facebook, if it'll help. Facebook is mostly mindless trash that ruins a lot of relationships (old ones, potential ones, and professional ones) anyway.
We all end up doing this, one way or another. It's trivial, however. I honestly feel that it's taking too much of your time and energy to look him up in the first place. I'm in a relationship, and I'm happy, and it's still hard for me to look at his "pictures" of past events. Since this is hard, I simply don't do it! I have him now, and that's all that matters.
You're right for not playing the "game", but also I think you put way too much thought into this. Guys don't "think" like that. He's probably just posting the pictures just to post them, without any devious intent.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - I agree with this girl. You're making all this up in your head. You're totally taking this the wrong way. Just because he put up pictures on his facebook doesn't mean he's trying to show off his new life style to you. Sorry girl, you're just having a hard time getting over him.
Don't let it get to you, it's so not worth it. After my break up (we were together for 10 yrs), I changed my FB & MySpace page to private. I finally deleted both accounts a few months ago. A big part of why I did it was for myself. I figured, why keep in touch? Makes it harder to move on. (he cheated on me, btw) Besides, I didn't want him or the other chic to be able to search me online, even though my page would've been private anyways. He never paid attention to my Xanga page therefore here I am :o)
Saw the ex recently at a mutual friend's birthday. I think it bothered him more than it bothered me. In fact, our meeting didn't bother me at all. I didn't feel anything, no lie. I ignored him as if he was never there and I was just being me. I think that was the best "revenge". But don't thrive to get even, that's not what it's about. Be the bigger person, take the higher road and let him live his life. You'll be much happier in the longrun. You dont want to do something and regret it later....
i know what you mean...
i feel like it's a challenge to me, as well... but...
i do my best not to fall for it. i ignore his facebook
Well, I do know a few guys that would do it just to make you mad. And if he is taking time out from his 'oh-so-fun' college life to put pictures of it on facebook then obviously he isn't having too much fun. Not to mention, he must be worried about what you think and if you are seeing them and how you are reacting so it looks to me he may be worse off than you are. Maybe his college experince isn't what it's cracked up to be and since when does anyone drink because thier life is so good? Don't people usaully use it as a way to escape reality?
I want to tell you to "break up" from Facebook, but I'm in almost the exact same position and am finding that impossible due to 1. a general addiction to the hellish thing and 2. extreme nosiness/competitive feelings.
I think your way of thinking is the best way to go about it, though. If YOU know that you're having a good time and participating in the same activities, not only do you know inwardly that you're "keeping up" and satisfying your sense of competitiveness, but you also get the satisfying feeling of knowing that you practiced self-restraint and didn't feel the need to "prove it" - unlike him. My ex-boyfriend drove me nuts by not putting anything about his personal life online so that I had no idea what was going on in his life, so if it worked against me it will probably work for you. Good luck.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - I disagree on the basis that it depends on the person. She knows her ex and his psyche, so she might not just be being "a woman" and could have substantial evidence that that's something he would do.
in all other words,
this shit will get back at you.
how are you "GENUINELY HAPPY" if you are thinking about how this will affect your ex?
ah, question to think about, right?
well then, looks like the problem is ..one still cares what the other thinks.
=( he did what he wanted..he told you what he was going to do..so he's single ~ now he has to be freee.
@sortingandforting@xanga - I agree!
Funny the things that Facebook can do. I recently had an encounter on Facebook that also bugged the shit out of me: http://www.xanga.com/kaleidescopeeyes88/684565173/why-do-i-do-this-to-myself.html
And, like you, I decided to take that moment as motivation to focus on my own happiness: http://www.xanga.com/kaleidescopeeyes88/684584425/new-phase.html
I don't see it as "revenge" though, because that would make it all about him again. No, being happy should only be about you.
i don't think he posted the pictures to prove anything, thus if you want to post pictures, then post the pictures! who the hell cares what the thinks at this point, he's not your boyfriend anymore.
after a 3 year relationship with my ex, 2 of which were long distance in college, i went on facebook one day after my recent breakup only to find his relationship status already changed from single back to "in a relationship" so trust me i know how you feel. the "WTF" feeling.
at this point, he's living his college life its fullest, so you should live yours! when you date someone else at your own school, you'll see that you're lucky you started college with a fresh, clean slate and single - long distance takes a toll on everything.
delete him from facebook... and tell him i just need time for myself for a while... and let it be... until you are ready. Tell them that if you two were real friends not talking for a while should help to prove that because real friends can pick up from wherever they left off... but yeah Facebook, myspace, and everything like that with pictures screwed with my head really badly and made me pretty depressed.... best thing is just to delete them from your life until you are ready... it may be hard but it's the first step in recovering... it may take a while though
Look, the girl and I deleted each other off facebook, that kind of hurt, but it saves you from the trouble of knowing. If you know that he can't see (block him) then you can post whatever you want, and be your normal self without worrying if you are being vengeful towards him or not.
Trust me, facebook hurts because it is all-knowing, your best bet is to block him from facebook and maybe ask him to do the same to you. It will save a lot of feelings.
Sometimes, ignorance truely is bliss.
Dear, you're no longer together. That means that you will rarely be on his mind, if at all. He's really enjoying himself, and if he wants to cost himself the opportunity of a decent job because he wants to live the "college experience" (and here I was thinking that you go to college because you want to get an expensive piece of paper that helps you get a well-paying job in the future.
Like @loveslikethisx33@xangasaid, people drink to get away from reality, and why take the time to post pictures up if he's living it up? Probably what will happen is a few weeks down the track he'll get bored of this so-called "experience" and will want something more fulfilling, only to find that he cant find or have it.
Dont worry about him. Focus on YOUR life, live it the way YOU want and dont fret about what you ex may or may not think. Find a guy who will want to stick with you through thick and thin and won't want to drop you trying to fulfill some lame, poor media-driven conception of what "college" is supposed to be like.
If you must think in terms of "revenge", then find another guy who makes you complete. Show him that you are indeed over him, and are moving on with his life while he's still back thinking that beer pong is the higlight of a good night.
@jeNNi_RoX@xanga - I agree. Just from what you described, he's doing exactly what he said he wanted to do in college and I don't think it's a direct attack on you. Live out your life and don't worry about competing with him. If you wanna post pictures go for it! If not, it's w/e. It's your prerogative.
College is what you make it to be.
You can... drink 24/7, study all the time, make friends, take awesome classes, learn more about yourself, eat ramen, have a mental breakdown, change your major like 3 times, discover the joy that is free food at keynote speeches, save the world one protest at a time, and so much more.
I'm sick of people bashing on "the college experience"- it's not just drinking and partying. A lot of it is growing up and forging your own path in life.
Aside from that rant, just live your life.
He wasn't trying to do anything TO you - he went out, drank, and posted the evidence. Big deal.
In the long run you'll be happier if you just put him out of your mind. Delete him if you have to.
You'll prolly be better for it.
:)
P.S.- first semester is the semester where EVERYONE goes crazy - it's not an indicator of anything really except one of pure elation expressed by freshmen who have just realized how joyous (and miserable) living without parents can be.
P.P.S- Just because he posted the pictures doesn't mean he might not be having a good time. Virtually everyone posts pictures of everysinglefreakingthing they do on FB.
Just saying.
I don't think the best "revenge" is your happiness. Rather, it's about being apathetic to his thoughts or opinions. Not having your ex have an impact on your life shows that you've truly moved on. If you're still trying to prove that you're happy or even thinking about "revenge" then have you really moved on?
Well.. IMO, you kinda messed up your chance for "success/happiness" by falling into the same trap he fell into. You would have been better off making fun of his moronic photos on facebook (cuz, let's be honest, anyone who WANTS the world to see them smashed and gross is a dumbass).
Genuine happiness IS the best revenge. You seemed to have skipped the "genuine" part. Whoops.
I know how you feel, even after mutual breakups I get hurt when the other seems to be doing better than I am. You'll stop one day though in the near future :] probably when you meet somebody who is worth lugging around baggage for