This is a guest blog submitted by Nicola_Six.I find that as I get older, I get more and more frustrated with how much crap people are willing to put up with in the dating world. I suppose it's because, just like most people who have dated, I put up with my fair share of crap, learned from it, and said ENOUGH!
Perusing the posts on this page gives me mixed reactions. On the one hand, I'm glad that people are talking about things like cheating partners, mooching partners, people who may or may not like them but they have "commitment issues" ("if only I could read his mind!"). On the other hand, sometimes I want to shake these posters and tell them, "THEY'RE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. MOVE ON!" Harsh, yes. But it's the truth.
I suppose I should just stand idly by while people learn about dating firsthand - learn about the pain of heartbreak, the joy of love, etc. etc. But I'm tempted to refer just about every problem to the magical dating problem solver: "
He's Just Not That Into You" by Greg Behrendt. It sounds like kitsch, and it may look kitschy (fun language and all), but the truisms the author offers are valuable.
He's just not that into you if...he's sleeping with someone else.
If he's not having sex with you. If he's not calling you. Etc. No need to waste your time wondering what's going on in the other person's head, when, quite frankly, they probably aren't thinking that much. The simple truth is that, barring some huge catastrophe (physical, emotional, etc.), if a person is into me, he will call. He won't cheat. Etc. People have pooh-poohed that book for being "too obvious". But, I ask, who actually has FOLLOWED that advice? I mean, ever notice how easy it is to give advice, but how hard it is to take it? Hmm...
Anyhow, my question to you is: wouldn't the dating world be so much simpler if we were all forced to accept these truths in that book and move on? Or is it just human nature that we need to be in mortal pain and in our relationships well past their expiration date before we learn our lessons?
Comments (72)
I love mortal pain. Does wonders for my skin.
I wish lots of people would just figure that out. Seriously. Of course, I tend to have a they're-not-into-me default setting haha
This reminds me of a Sex and the City episode where Carrie says if we need drama in our relationship to think it's working. I think many people do. When people find themselves with somebody that "isn't that into them" they think that's how it's supposed to be because they think there has to be some kind of conflict going on, and you think that he's just playing hard to get, blah, blah, blah. I also think people might be too scared of being alone so they put up with this behavior so they won't. The way I see it, being with someone that isn't looking to be with you long term is kind of a waste of time, and shouldn't that motivate you to leave them and go find the person that is into you?
I don't agree.
Take my brother, he complains cause his gf calls him like 5 times a day wishing to talk for like 3 hrs each one of the calls- to him she is *controlling*
Take the gf, (a good friend) she complains that he doesn't call her *enough*. If he doesn't call her, she is sad the *whole* day.
The truth lies somewhere in between, actually. Though I have to say I side with my brother at times. I know how bad the gf feels so I also tell my brother to be more patient. And he does love her! I know he sees her as the possible wife/mother of his kids in his future! So no way is that he isn't into her.
People are just different.
I once read this book (well, not exactly...I just skimmed through it), and there is some truth to what it says, but overall, I just did not like it, probably because it was too brash for me.
I don't necessarily think it's human nature to "need to be in mortal pain," I just think there are far too many people that think that given enough time, things will magically work out in some sort of fairytale fashion. Deep down, I think far too many people are far too optimistic (or maybe clueless), and try to "make the best" of not-so-great situations rather than looking for a sitaution that is a better fit from the get-go.
I think the mindset of "He's just not that into you" is a good one to live by, in terms of dating. Cut your losses and move on - why waste time with someone that can't or won't bother to make an effort?
I agree with you, for the most part. I've seen many people cling onto relationships that will not work out. I used to hang onto my hopes thinking that if I worked hard enough things would fall into place. (I'm one of those "pull up your bootstraps, work hard and stick it out" kind of people.) But boy, was it exhausting! And it got me nowhere. Eventually I realized that by hanging onto something like that I prevented myself from seeing the other good people around me and moving into the future. While it is wise to try to stick with things through thick and thin, it is also wise to know when to quit and move on.
@ZepBlueEyedGirl@xanga - Very true. You say it very well!
It seems as though people need pain to learn but on the other hand, what about people who hurt you and come crawling back. Sometimes it's hard to throw it all away
I have a lot of problems with the concept of the book, and I wrote my own review of it: http://www.xanga.com/kaleidescopeeyes88/675352093/im-just-not-into-glossy-gimmicks.html
To me, the issue isn't about whether or not someone is "into" you. They could think that they're into you, even if they do things that suggest otherwise. Like with my EX-- I'm sure he loved me in the only way that he knew how at the time, and he'll likely love his new girlfriend in an entirely different way. So the problem wasn't that he wasn't "into" me-- The problem was that our ways of loving didn't match. We're all complicated creatures, and we don't always know what we're doing.
The really valuable point the book makes is this: Know how you want to be treated, communicate it, and don't settle for someone who won't treat you that way.
i think people are sorta "stuck" partially because they are optimistic about the other person, thinking that somehow the other person would change for the better. i think this book is target at people who are stuck for too long, meaning someone who's hit a complete deadend.
@Lynn1013@xanga - It takes two to tango, if you're the only one working, then obviously it won't work out.. It's a sign that he's not that into you especially if he's not trying to make it work. At times like these, you're better off moving on..
@kawasaki_saiyan@xanga - Yes, I agree.
Congrats on the feature!
People just like to wallow in their own pool of what-are-they-thinking so they don't have to really face the truth.
Dragging it out is, for some reason, more appealing than getting along with it.
Sometimes it's also the emotional investment that you might have put into a relationship. It definetely seems like a waste and worth a shot recouping if at all possible as people have already mentioned.
Some people "love the sickness", I suppose. More people need to "man up" and accept that fact that not everyone they date is right for them. Not every relationship is going to work out. Expect a few failures, learn from them and move on. If you want to mope for a few days, that's fine, but don't spend months focusing on what was! If someone gives you ANY reason that "it's just not working", don't focus on if it's the REAL reason, take it as what it is: an admission that they don't want to be with you anymore. End of story. Suck it up. Move on. Quit whining.
all i have to say is gaaahhh
also read: It's a breakup because it's broken
sometimes we just need to reminded...that's all. Sure it's an easy concept (he's not that into you, get on with your life butthead, etc.) but when you're heartbroken, nothing is ever so "simple"...
I admit, I enjoy books like these.
I also love "Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov. However, my male friends tell me it's made me extremely paranoid.
Sometimes the person is into you. They may be scared. They may be trying to figure out things with their current relationship. They may be too busy with work to take the time to commit. Persistence can pay off if you don't appear needy or desperate.
i agree 100%
STOP BEING CLINGY.
Mortal pain... yes.
trying to follow that ethos RIGHT NOW. my mind keeps hold of anything that might suggest that he is into me and then battles with the stuff that tells me he is. he seems into me when i'm not into him and doing my own thing. very annoying.
going to get out and find someone better - thanks for the recap on that perspective, and all the comments too!
@polira@xanga - It's this pervasive "persistence" attitude that makes me want to shove this book in the person's hands like it could save them. If a person is "scared" or in another relationship or "too busy", well, to me, they're not that into me. It's a logical answer, rather than a wishful one - and "wishful" is what a lot of people prefer (it's a close relative  of "denial").
When I really like someone, I'll take a minute out of my day to text them or call them. I mean, we take a minute out of our days to do things like go to the bathroom, heat up food in the microwave, or stare off into space. And I'll tell them I'm busy but I want to commit - and I'll communicate with them as to how to make it work - IF I WANT IT TO WORK.
If I'm scared, I'll let them know AND I'll figure it out on my own. And if I don't overcome it, well, it just means that my liking them isn't enough to overcome my fear. So end result is, well, I'm not that into them. I know this because I've met people I like enough to overcome any qualms I may have.
If they're in another relationship and trying to start something with you - wow, that's extremely classy...NOT! First, it spells danger to you if you ever date them, because they might adopt another "other woman". Second, it shows how little they respect their current partner, and that they don't have the courage to actually break up with them when they're not 100% into them. So this person is not much of a prize, unless you want to date someone who is emotionally weak, needy, and self-centered...
The book isn't perfect, but it has pearls of wisdom inside. I hope people can take the book for what it is, which is not a Bible, but that objective best friend who says, "Why are you putting up with this crap when you are clearly unhappy?"
Thanks for all your comments - keep them coming! Glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks this way (I never suspected I was the only one, actually, given the popularity of this concept).