Dr. DatingishI'm 23 and my boyfriend is 21. We are studying abroad at university overseas and we both come from a Chinese background.
We've been dating for three and a half years and have been living together for three of those years.We know we've both found "the one" and we're planning to get married when it is the time.
The problem is, my BF's mother does not like me for three pretty silly reasons:
1. I am older than he is by two years and two months.
2. She doesn't think I'm pretty enough to be her son's girlfriend.
3. She doesn't think she can gets along well with me.
She and I have only met twice, but she didn't like me at all and let my BF know that she didn't like my living with him.
My BF and I have been upset about this for a long time - it's unfair, to be honest. But my BF can't ignore his mom - he needs his family to support him financially during college.
What can we do?!
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Comments (37)
Yeah...it's a pity our asian parents are like that. I guess this is a good chance to see how much your bf really loves you. My ex was the same way, at times, I wasn't sure if I was dating her, or her parents cuz her parents defined her dating parameters so deeply.
For me, I wouldn't care what my parents think, it's my life and my marriage. Hopefully your bf can think the same way and not conform to BS traditions.
I was in a relationship for over 5 years where my ex-boyfriend's mother haaaated me. Whenever I was visiting at their house, she never wanted to or even so much as made the effort to sit down and have a conversation with me. It especially bothered me toward the latter half of the relationship, when most people would think that you would have at least established some sort of relationship with his parents by then.
I will hope that you two will continue to have open communication because that will definitely help get you through this. I'd like to believe that parents, especially mothers, would be happy if their sons are happy. But of course that's not always the case. I also hope she doesn't feel like you're hindering him in any way.
Maybe be nice, though you probably have already. Make her cookies or bake her sometihng next time you see her =] nothing expensive though =p
as a chinese, it's typical. a mother usually has high expectations of her son when it comes to career and daughter-in-law. being not pretty enough is just a typical reason and you can't argue with that. his mother is just being protective when it comes to your age difference, meaning she's afraid that you might take advantage of her son since you're older in age. and she thinks that she won't get along with you because she just doesn't like you w/o a reason.
the biggest concern for her is her son's career/future. she believes that before he establish himself, he shouldn't even be thinking about getting married, let alone only being 21. that said, she thinks that you're "distracting" him more than anything...and you being older to her means you're more in control of the situation (relationship) than her son is.
chinese moms are one of the most stubborn people i've known, and i have one too. my mother never like any of the girls i dated. there's no way around it except tried to spend more time with her and talk to her and let her know that you're in the relationship for her son's best interest. have a shopping date or afternoon tea (my mother likes that).
please keep in mind that his mom is old school and asking her to change her mind is most probably not going to work. "butter up" strategy would be better and any mother would be proud to have a girl chase after her son, it's a great compliment. the timing is probably just not right. just wait, by the time he's done with school, has a decent job, she'll start nagging him about getting a wife and settling down and have kids. chinese moms are weird like that.
warning: for those chinese moms who are open minded, i apologize for my stereotyped description, but it's stereotype because it's the most common thing i've seen.
@AznShyKitty@xanga - that is probably true, good point.
wow, what a stupid bitch.
if those are really the reasons that she doesn't like you, odds are she will never like ANY of the girls that her son dates.
i say just ignore her old hateful ass.
if she really loves her son, and you actually DO make him happy, she'll deal with it, regardless of if she likes you or not.
Get to know his mom and get on her good side.
In 3 and a half years you've only met her twice? That would really piss off any mom. I think you should have made more of an effort to touch base with her...
Well if you've been with her son for 3.5years and his mom has still been helping him out with his financials - its not likely to change in the future. I really don't see any mom not helping her son just because she hates his girlfriend...
As long as you don't start being weird and stand-offish to her, she should eventually get over it.
If she is going to stop supporting his college education because of you, then she is just a terrible mother and he should emancipate himself right then!!
Yeah I'm guessing she just said those things to cover up her true feelings... perhaps she is very conservative and doesn't approve of shacking up? Just a guess.
nothing and live with it, since you're both from a Chinese background, so you two should understand why it is the way it is, and why she doesn't like you because you're older then him.
impress her with your chinese! or your intelligence! or your cooking...or your ability to get a great job...or anything else that Chinese parents value (I know where you're coming from, my mom is a typical strict Chinese mother as well..)
get to know her better. and if that doesnt work then you may want to not be so public about the relationship until hes out of college.