Dr. DatingishI'm 23 and my boyfriend is 21. We are studying abroad at university overseas and we both come from a Chinese background.
We've been dating for three and a half years and have been living together for three of those years.We know we've both found "the one" and we're planning to get married when it is the time.
The problem is, my BF's mother does not like me for three pretty silly reasons:
1. I am older than he is by two years and two months.
2. She doesn't think I'm pretty enough to be her son's girlfriend.
3. She doesn't think she can gets along well with me.
She and I have only met twice, but she didn't like me at all and let my BF know that she didn't like my living with him.
My BF and I have been upset about this for a long time - it's unfair, to be honest. But my BF can't ignore his mom - he needs his family to support him financially during college.
What can we do?!
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Comments (37)
Wow, that really sucks. My ex's mother hated me because I am white. ><. She never met me either because of that reason.
Have you tried having an actual conversation with her, I would try that. Other than that I am clueless.
That sucks. I am 4 years older than my bf. His parents are ok with it. Mine aren't, but i hope they just get over it. If you're planning on getting married and are happy hopefully she'll just quit trying.
Slightly over two years of an age gap isn't a big deal. It's not like that makes you a cougar.
She should respect that the two of you have been in a faithful, supportive, and loving relationship for almost four years. Try actually going out to lunch or dinner with her sometime. Just the two of you, without your boyfriend. Let her get to know you.
By the way, all these reasons may be excuses for the real problem. Her own insecurity. She might just be scared that you two are on the verge of marriage which means that a new woman will be taking care of her baby boy as opposed to her.
Honestly, the mother's opinion shouldn't matter at all. He may need her financial help, but if she's a good mother she'll give him help regardless.
Don't worry, you're not alone in this. A lot of girlfriends have mother-in-law problems too. In the end, she'll get the short end of the stick because this needless distaste for you will only push her son away.
Well, you said you have only met with the woman about twice now. Maybe your third time around, if you want, you should ask your BF what her favorite hobby is or something she loves to do, invite her to spend time with you and do what she wants to do.
Or for a birthday or christmas gift, if you do christmas, get her a gift card from a store she loves.
Let her know you're willing to care about her as if she were already your in-law. If after that she really doesn't like you then I suggest you and your BF move on from it. It stinks, I know, but my mother had to deal with this from my dads mom. His mom is an old grouch anyway but we deal with her. That's all you can really do. Try your best and when that fails, move on in hopes that one day she will see the good.
Hope that helps some. =]
I'm in a somewhat similar situation. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly three years, and we are not officially living together, but we spend most nights together.
We're not as sure about our future as you seem to be about yours. But we are in a serious relationship, and my dad hates him, because of factors beyond his control (his skin tone and the socio-economic class in which he was raised). However, I can't just break ties with my dad, because he is supporting me financially through school.
It really depends on how emotionally close your boyfriend is to his mother. If they are very close, then he should try talking to her. He should say that regardless of the age difference, he really cares about you, and would like for her to give you another chance. He should tell her that even though she may not find you beautiful, he does, and that's what really matters.
If they are not that close, then he should avoid the topic as much as possible until he's done with college, and then avoid her as much as possible.
Yeah, those reasons are really silly. It sucks that you have to go through this, but it's less about you and more about HER. That woman has issues! She sounds domineering and controlling, and thinks that "she knows best" when it comes to her son's happiness. She also sounds like she still regards him as a little boy rather than a man who can make his own decisions; she not at all focused on the fact that HE knows best. Sigh. Sometimes parents just can't let go!
So I think it's up to your bf to talk to his mom about this (if he hasn't already), but in a very tactful way. Don't accuse HER of anything. Rather, he should put the focus on himself - telling her that he's happy, and that those things that bug her (your allegedly not being pretty enough, being older, etc) are merely individual factors and AS A WHOLE, he loves you for you and that YOU MAKE HIM HAPPY and treat him well, and that doesn't she want her son to be happy? (no mom can say no to that!). And that over time, she will get to know you better and you guys will get along (here's hoping!).
And, if that fails, maybe you can try talking to her and get to know her...but I don't know how often you can do that. It's not at all helpful now to start up a conflict between you and your future mother-in-law, so just be sweet as pie to her and at least that way she has no valid ammunitinon to use against you in the future. good luck!
I have to agree with some of the suggestions i've read. try relating to her. maybe take her aside and talk to her, if that's an option. try to bond with her. tell her that you would like a chance for her to get to know you and for you to get to her because it really hurts you that she doesn't approve and you would like a chance to prove yourself.
That really sucks. Perhaps spending more time with her will eventually change her mind? Since you two have only met twice I could see that happening. Her reasons to dislike you are kinda lame. Hopefully you'll eventually get her blessings.
I dated a girl that was older than me by a year...I was 22 and she was 23...It freaked her friends out more than it freaked out her parents...
Saying that he needs his parents support for financial aid is kinda a bum deal...It's also his MOM...You know the woman that kinda supported him all the way throughout his breathing life?
The fact that her grown up baby is now finding women that are going to replace her role as her baby's care taker is probably making her uneasy...It wouldn't matter if you were younger, older, mega millionaire or doctor...She's a mom and that's the role she's used to...She doesn't want it taken away...
Unfair, sure...You have to admit she does seniority on you...But at the same time, if he really wanted to be independent, he could always pull his own loans and get a job...He doesn't NEED his family support...It's just convenient...
I would have a sincere talk with her...That maybe hard to pull off if her mom is the traditionally Chinese mother that she probably is...At that point, you're doomed...Just don't let history repeat itself with your kids...
Wow, what a fucking bitch (no offense, lol). His mom's really shallow...she doesn't think you're pretty enough for her son? Girl, his mom sounds really close-minded. =/
I think you should try to let her see that you can make her son happy. As my best friend tells me, "It's a relationship of you and him, not you and his family."
His mom would just have to deal with it, whether she likes it or not. Age shouldn't matter when it comes to love, right?
Or perhaps, converse with her. Find out why she doesn't like you..and if it's something you can do to change it, then yeah. Sigh...mothers.
Maybe she's jealous.
Try doing something that includes the mother, to let her know she's still respected. Cooking a meal is nice, but if you don't know how to do that, maybe just a simple outing to a mall or someplace, with the three of you.
If things don't change, than really think about if this is what you want to pursue. You'll have to think beyond your personal feelings for him, consider what else will this bring on.
I say this from experience. My wife's sister is married to a man who is attached to his mother, and even though he's graduated, found a great job, and has 2 kids, everything he does is approved by his mother first. This includes what religion the kids are raised as, their names, what school they attend....and the list goes on and on.
The guy may be a real sweet heart whom you love, but your life will be hell married to a "momma's boy". It's hard, but all of us guys need to let go at some point. It's called being a man.
I personally dont like Chinese moms - my xbf mom was like that
Just try to get her to know you more - that definitely** helps
Getting on her good side is a bonous -- it takes time though
and try explaining / talking it out to her so she can at least try* to understand from your view point and where you're coming from
Ha. What? His family won't support his schooling because of you? How in the world are those things related? Somebody needs to do some sucking up. Ok, well, all of you do. The mom because her son obviously loves you. You do because his mom doesn't like you and he does because of the money.
It sounds like he needs to have a very serious talk with his mother about being judgemental and ask her if she's really concerned with his happiness (because right now it does not sound like it). It is important to have family, but it is equally important to have love. His mother, as a parent, should understand this.
it sounds like he hasnt had a serious enough talk with her. Most of all, if she's only met you twice in a 3 & 1/2 year span. He needs to tell his mother to get to know your first, and then make judgements. Its not fair otherwise.
I went through a time when my boyfriends parents didnt like me, because I wasnt baptist or very religous at all. I was "poisoning their son with my liberal ideals". So I know what its like to go down that road.
Wow. You both are still quite young. Get done with school, get a good career, and be financial ready before you two actually "settle" down.
As for the mom issue, give her some time to know you. It's possible not to like someone on first impression or what you "heard" about the person but try to build a relationship with her in the meantime. Be the bigger and better person in this situation.
For the boyfriend, it sucks to be in his shoes because he still needs financial help from his family and he's in between the two of you. He can't pick and choose.
Hopefully in the long run, everything will be better for all of you.
That's horrible. Gosh, I don't know why so many Asians discriminate people! It pisses me off.
Rarely anything will change her mind..but guess what? Asian women love jewelry& the casino..TSK TSK, haha . I'm jk. If I were him, would he not care what his mom thinks?
That's what my Dad did. He picked his loved ones and his own children over his family. & He never seemed to regret it =) This is your man's issue. Tell him to step up& tell his mom right. Forreals..and if i were you, I would go face to face with her.
I don't care..if she doesn't like me for barely my age *make it that you're 2 years older than him* You are in college..madly in love with him& live with him..What else can stop you?
Do ya thang girl.
that sucks & i hope she gets over it. i am older than my bf by 2yrs & both our parents are fine with it because age does not matter.
Coming from a Chinese background, I know what kind of situation you are going through. Parents will always ridicule and judge anyone that their child meets and are having a relationship with. I am lucky to have a mom who is very open minded to whom I'm dating; my dad on the other hand isn't. But, you guys can keep dating and what you can definitely do to try to improve relations with his mother is to make the effort to be her friend. Let her know that this relationship is important to you and you are the best choice for her son. Eventually, she will see the good side of you and that will help loosen her up to your relationship. Chinese people can be very, very stubborn, but eventually, if you are persistent with what you want and show that you are willing to put out the extra effort in making it work, she will come through.
His mom shouldn't be concerned over a two year age difference especially when you two are in your 20s. You said you've only met twice, so maybe you and your boyfriend should have a small dinner party with them. Cook a few things (mom's always want to be sure their baby boys are fed!) and learn what some of her hobbies or favorite television shows are. If you put in effort, she might do so as well.
Wait until after college to get married
I don't think those are the real reasons why his mom doesn't like you, and that she's using those as an excuse. I don't know what the real reason is, but I think that if you make the effort to hang out with his family more often, things will change. Go eat with his mom. Talk to her. Help out with the cooking or the dishes. Once she gets to know you better, I think it'll be fine. I've done this before and it works... I even got the grandma on my side! haha
the mother just have to learn to cope with it, if ur bf depends on his parents for college fee, then i'm sure that their parents dont want to see ther kid's future ruined by not paying for his fee so he can have a good eduation and get a good career.
Well one to be honest she probably feels he has not had a chance to find something better or knows what he wants. He probably started dating you when he was 17 or barely 18 right?
that is young to be tied down. and maybe she feels 6 months is way too early to move in together. she probably views you as a mooch. If she is supporting him who pays the rent for the two of you?
Do you pay anything?
Also she has right to say after meeting you twice she doesn't like you.
Keep trying to be nice but not overly nice.
Talk to your boyfriend about it and come up with a plan. Perhaps offer to move out and agree not to move in together or get married until she has become more comfortable with it,..
u dont want alienate him from his family..
good luck