Saturday, 06 December 2008
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Occasional GF Says God Is Why We Can't Be Together
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.There's a girl I know... we'll call her 'Cathy'.
Cathy and I met in a cool way at college - I got introduced to her by another girl that had formerly liked me. She had red hair, was beautiful, and more importantly, was everything I wanted in a girl. It didn't take me long to start crushing on her, and it took me about two months to gather the courage to ask her out. She waited three weeks, and finally decided on a no. We stayed friends, though - long enough that her friends started to get on her case asking why we weren't dating. We went on dates and everything, but she refused to call it what it was. Mid-spring of the next year, it finally happened: she finally agreed to take me as her first boyfriend. I was overjoyed, beaming with a smile that could light up a room. During the relationship, there were several warning signs of what was to come...
More than once she would try to break up with me, always saying that she felt she needed to follow God.I always managed to talk her out of it, making our relationship last until she transferred to another school this past summer, five hours away. I reluctantly agreed to let her break up with me the day she left.
The biggest problem? Nothing changed with our relationship. We still acted the same when she came back, and she would always tell me how much she cared about me, how much she liked me, and how much she didn't want to do what she was doing. While she was away, she insisted that we not talk, because she felt God laying it on her heart. It happened over and over again; she would tell me we couldn't see each other because of God. In spite of this, she came home to surprise me more than once, proclaiming she missed me so.
This is a relationship that I've fought to keep despite everything that I know. We had been talking about marriage, until she started trying to break away, using God as her vantage point against me. The thing is - I think she truly believes this is what God wants her to do - and she really does care about me.
In spite of that, she's been seeing other people and then telling me about it. It's not my favorite thing in the world to hear - that she's been out with some guy and thinking of me.
I really truly love her with all I have in me, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm crazy to deal with all of this over and over.
It hurts to hold on, but she's not a girl I want to let go of.
Am I crazy? Should I just wait it out and see what happens? Should I let it go? I'm so confused anymore.
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Comments (70)
um i think she not really the one coz i think its weird that her reasons is God...
move on..=)
Interesting dilemma. As a girl who has used the same excuse, I really did feel God was calling me somewhere else (plus the fact that the circumstances behind it were completely different from yours, at least I'm fairly certain yours are not what mine were). Anyway, I did something similar to your girl Cathy and I did come back some. That mostly had to do with his pestering me to be his girlfriend again and hey, I did like the guy. Eventually he let go and I've let God, kind of. That's another story for another day, but we've remained friends and all that jazz and we don't act like we're dating anymore. But, I'm not really sure that any of that answers your question other than "no, you're probably not crazy". I'd wait it out, but be careful about it.
Hmm, seems like she's been odd like that for a while now and doesn't look like it will change. I think you could probably find someone more fitting for you, so I recommend letting her go.
If she's religious, and as into her religion as she seems to be, she probably feels like she has to choose between you and her god. (I am assuming she's probably a Christian.)
Traditional Christians are told from day one that you only date other Christians. I know. I was raised that way.
If being with you creates such turmoil for her, it's not really fair for either of you to date. She will always feel like she's betraying God, and you will always wonder how long the next together episode will last.
I think the two of you need to have a serious talk about what's going on. If she can't be with you because of whatever religious differences you may have, you need to respect that, as hard as it may be. If she really wants to be with you, she needs to find a way to reconcile her feelings with her idea of God.
And I know you never mentioned this, but I will say it, just because I know people sometimes do this: do not change your spiritual beliefs just for her. It's ok to change your beliefs. I've done it several times, and I think most people do. But your spiritual preference should be about what you believe is right and true, not about getting the girl.
I think the problem is that she is not mature enough to be in a serious relationship. I think she subconsciously realizes that but doesn't consciously realize that.
I think what you need to do is let her go for a while. I would recommend taking a month and just avoiding contact with her as much as possible and then reverting to being friends. But give her time to mature and decide what she wants in a relationship and if you meet what she wants. If you try to force her to be with you then she will likely feel tied down and not be dedicated to your relationship and dislike you for it and I'm pretty sure that isn't what you want for yourself and if you truly love her then it isn't what you want for her either.
@EccentricSiren@xanga - Well said. :)
She's spouting all this nonsense about God and you're asking if you're crazy?
Something similar happened to me this past spring. I met a boy I was crazy about and he was crazy about me, but my religion doesn't allow me to see anyone outside of my religion. I was an awful mess. But we both had to move on.
HAy I am feeling you!!
Similar things happen to me too
I am really having a hardtime
I decided to wait and now I haven;t been talking to her for a week
The first few days , i really miss her and its hardtime!!
Like Detox!!
but as time pass, I keep telling myself she ain't nothing to me
though i still miss her sometime, but she means less and less to me each day
ad i just feel that it will be hard for us to be together again
Don;t make her the only thing you got in your life,
hold back, get your mind right and go explore the world outside
Stop wastig your time on her!!!
anyway, stay strong!!!!and good luck!!!!
This exact same story happened to my best friend.
As an Atheist, I always tend to laugh at these stories, as I find it funny that my best friend lost his girlfriend to an imaginary friend.
"In spite of that, she's been seeing other people and then telling me
about it. It's not my favorite thing in the world to hear - that she's
been out with some guy and thinking of me."
I base this answer on than paragraph: She's been using God as an excuse to try to not hurt your feelings. You two are done. Find someone else.
she's trying to left cha off easily :)
Um...no, it sounds like the crazy one is her.
Despite of your feelings for her, it sounds like things will never blossom into a better romantic relationship, she keeps breaking up with you. It's best to move on.
Move on. She's not worth it.
Why are you reading still? Move on already. (Seriously, dude, she's using religion as an excuse. She's been done with you, man. Sorry you can't see it.)
Yes, you're crazy. Your first warning sign should have been when it took her 3 fucking weeks to respond to your asking her out. If she cared about you, she wouldn't have left you hanging like that. It sounds like all along you've been much more committed to the relationship than she has been.
There are lots of beautiful women in the world. Find one that actually reciprocates your feelings.
actually ask her about it?
Seriously, what's wrong with telling her exactly what you just posted? Tell her how you feel, tell her how you don't want to let go, but that this is not what you want. If she still spouts more about the God thing, then you'll know this may never change and you really should move on.
Hope this helps.
@ecafrusehtrednu@xanga - LMAO! so true.
Ok, I'm revising my answer: Find a beautiful girl that reciprocates your feelings, and doesn't have imaginary friends.
Personally, I think that "God" might be code for "Another Guy". Either way, whether she's having religious revelations or not, she's a crazy bird. Frankly, you could probably do much better than her and you're selling yourself short by trying to commit to a serious, potentially life long relationship with this girl who may or may not be mature enough or living in reality enough to handle it.
The best words of advice anyone can give you is to move on. The best thing for you to do is follow that advice.
Interesting feedback, thanks everyone ;)
And yes, I have been leaning towards moving on, but it would be easier if I had somewhere to start.
@ecafrusehtrednu@xanga - Lmao. Agreed.
oh i want to answer this question! but i need to know first if you are a man of God and then we can go more in depth with what i think she's doing? lol
I don't think it's fair of her to keep this up, but I also don't think that you respect her enough to let her do what she feels she should do.
Ever consider it might not have been right to push her into being your girlfriend in the first place? My guess is she gave in, knew it wasn't what she should do, but now she feels bound in some way, even though she's tried to tell you she has religious reasons for not dating you.
Show her some respect, and insted of trying to hold onto her, let her go. That would show respect and maturity on your part.
this is why i don't date religious people..
disclaimer: I'm a Christian and I do believe that God guides and directs his people.
Having said that, I think it's awfully convenient how often God is the reason for a relationship to start, because "God really wants it," ... and then later in that relationship God is the reason that it should end...because God doesn't want it.
Did God get confused? Did He make a bad judgment call in having a relationship happen? Is God simply that annoying relative that constantly tries to hook you up with people and doesn't know what He's talking about?
...I mean really... If God didn't want her to be in a relationship with you, He probably wouldn't want her to keep confessing feelings for you, to keep emotionally investing in you, to keep emotionally tearing you down, and to surprise you from time to time even though she says that it's not what God wants.
There seems to be a completely different issue here between her and you and it seems to have little if anything to do with God. However, the only way for you to know what it is would be...well...if she told you.
If you think she's worth it, fight for her. Make her make an actual decision about your relationship. If she's unwilling to commit but willing to string you along, I would let it go and move on. I don't know you, but I do know you're worth more than that.
It's time to let go and move on. Her excuses and reasons are only holding you back from having a real life.