This is a guest blog submitted by lilsweetieasian2.Even though I've been going out with him for two years, I have never experienced a severe episode of his depression and how destructive it was toward his life and all his relationships.
Two years ago, he was open about it: he told me he had depression and needed to take medication to function. At the beginning, everything seemed fine; we were talking and happy...and just having a good time. His depression always gets worse as the year progresses, especially around the fall and winter. He becomes unmotivated and doesn't care about anything; he would barely call me and wouldn't be able to hold a conversation on the phone. It was hard for me, but I got accustomed to it.
This year, it got so severe that he had to withdraw from school because he was guaranteed to be expelled. He had no motivation; he had no feelings towards anything. It hurts me to see him like that, and he constantly told me that if I wanted to leave him, he'd understand. He said he loves me and he's willing to stay, but he strongly forewarned me that he's going to cause me pain because he won't be there for me emotionally for a long time.
He tries by texting me once in a while to say hi and see how I'm doing. But when I call to talk to him, he never wants to talk to me...but he always says he wants to see me (which is a good sign, in my opinion).
I was wondering if anyone has been in a relationship with someone who has depression and ADD, because that's what my boyfriend has. I would really appreciate feedback and suggestions.
Please help me out here.
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Comments (38)
I was with a guy that has ADD for a while (almost a year). At first, I could hold his attention well, but after a while he got used to me and we hardly talked on the phone anymore. After too long I felt like I bored him, and we hardly talked at all unless we were together (and it was long distance, so that became harder and harder with time). I wish I could help, but honestly him and I had to go back to being friends. We're wonderful friends, but we both know that a relationship for us is just too much stress on me, then I stress him out for not wanting to talk to me (but it's really not his fault). I just couldn't do well with someone that can't focus, I guess...
But on another note, It sounds like he has what they call the 'winter blues.' I have that most years, but not so severe... it's tough. I just know that in the months of warm weather, I greatly appreciate those people that stuck by my side during my months of sadness.
what someone does is more important than what they say. he has already warned you (and shown you) he is incapable of emotional intimacy. there will come times when you need that, and desperately, and he won't be there. when that time comes, you will resent him and hate yourself more than you can possibly know. he will resent you too for putting pressure on him. keep him as a friend, but move on. you can be there for him, but you cannot 'fix' him. that's his job.
good luck.A wise man once told me, while all men want to be the knight in shining armor and save the damsel in distress. If the person is actually in distress, more than likely it is something that we cannot fix, and therefore, should most likely run from before it drags you down.
I think the best thing you can do for someone you love who has depression is to be there for them and be patient. Like you said, they usually go through cycles. Showing them they're still loved even when they're at their lowest will mean the world to them.
I went through a similar but almost abbreviated situation last winter. I'd found a wonderful, wonderful guy and we'd started dating in the summer and even though it was a long distance relationship, neither of us minded because it actually gave us more time to converse at night and spend other times with our friends. It was healthy, near perfect. The times he could visit were wonderful, and we were falling in love. We both struggled with depression but hadn't had any severe episodes in the recent past, but we talked about it alot. I feared I'd be the one to run away, and he always told me he'd chase after me and be patient if that happened. well, last Christmas, a few days into his holiday visit (things were going very, very well), I came home from work to find him lying on the floor and very listless. He said he didnt feel well and he didnt know what was wrong. He didnt talk much that night. And the next day, he told me he felt like it was the beginning of what it felt like when he went into a depressive spell. Day after that, he drove home a week early and only called sporadically for the rest of the month. Despite my best attempts at telling him how much I loved him, would give him any space he needed, and that I'd wait for him... he ended the relationship. He said he cared about me still, but it wasn't fair to me, he knew that when he felt like this he got mean and irritable with everyone and didnt want to be that way to me...but then he ended up getting meaner as time went on anyway. I heard from his roommate and then later him that he rarely went to class that semester and had to drop classes. It was like the boy I knew had done a complete 180. And he wouldn't accept ANY help. I pray that your guy will at least not be as stubborn as mine was... at least he's not shutting down completely and not shutting you out of his life.
Here's the twist: how are YOU coping through all of this? I know as a result, I went into a really rough depression myself for several months, and am still having trouble getting out of it, but I've learned that counseling is a big help :) Now, I'm predisposed to handling it like that, and you may not be... but I think that kind of emotional stress is hard for ANYONE to take, regardless. I know you love him, and it's very noble to stick it out like that... I would if Tyler had let me. But be careful...don't let any of his behaviour ever make you feel like it is your fault. Don't think for a minute "if i were only ____ he would feel better/wouldnt be as bad off/etc" and don't forget that you are still the same lovely person that he fell in love with despite his emotional state. Also, I'm curious as to how old he is. I've seen both my last boyfriend and some guy friends handle seasonal depression in different, and sometimes more mature ways depending on their age. There's definitely a point where they realize their actions are affecting not only themselves but those they love, and they make more effort to seek medication, counseling, or lifestyle changes. Good luck. My prayers are with you two.
I can relate to him one hundred percent. I have both severe depression and severe ADD and am medicated for both. It's definitely somehting that's hard for you to deal with. I lost someone because of it and that really opened my eyes.
I think the best thing for you to do is be there for him. Tell him that you don't want to leave him, but his actions are becoming too much. He needs to think of others or he may lose you. I know it's hard, but that may be the only thing you can do.
I know you want to be there for him, but right now a relationship may not be the best thing for him. You have to think which is more important to you: being with him like he is now or giving him space and give it a try again later.
this sounds like the type where a person is seasonally depressed or something to do with the weather, not enough sunlight. either way, maybe you can go with him to doctor visits to show support. good luck.
it sounds like he actually has SAD, if his depression is seasonally based. SAD is very similar to depression, but it treated in slightly different ways. if he actually has SAD and is only being treated for depression, his SAD won't improve.
Look at this for more info:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seasonal_affective_disorder
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/seasonal-affective-disorder/DS00195
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/seasonalaffectivedisorder.html
http://www.nami.org/Content/ContentGroups/Helpline1/Seasonal_Affective_Disorder_(SAD).htm
I had depression.. i guess you could say i still do i don't think it ever truly goes away.
I started to feel depressed around this time not really sure why.
Its mostly a frustrated feeling all the time for me and you get to a point where you start believing certain things like ppl really don't care about me etc.
I think that you really just need to be there for him even if you don't exactly understand do everything in your power to understand, even if you have to talk to your own doctor to find out more information.. my ex didn't want to understand he told me it was all in my head.
Love him. thats all.
there's nothing wrong for seeking professional help. acute care facilities should be okay. I hope everything works out for you guys! jut stay strong! =]
I'm confident I suffer from similar disorders, so I can kinda relate to him. Sometimes I say things that I don't think about. When I say I'll hurt someone, I don't know if I'm capable of hurting someone. Some things I say are certain, some aren't. People don't know themselves as well as they think, I think. Maybe not. You just need to support him, and it might not even matter. But at some point, it'll dawn that you're putting your all. Of course, consequentially, he'll occasionally believe that you're not. That you don't care. This is natural for me. It is uncontrollable, and damn near unalterable. But hell. As long as you put something in, even if it does end, at least you have the prospect of that. You did your best, but remember, the best ain't always good enough.
It's hard dating an emotionally distant person, whether they are that way naturally or because of a medical condition. If it's affecting you in a negative way in such that you become unable to handle your own life, the best course of action, for both of you, is to break up.
However, if you are coping well, just love him. Loving him, respecting him, and listening to him will do him well, in addition to doing you and your relationship well, in the long run. Good luck.
Being the "crazy" one in the relationship is hard because we're aware we're hurting everyone around us, but we can't stop it. If he's getting to the point where he's failing school and starts to get suicidal, maybe the best thing you can do is tell someone about it. Maybe it's best if he was hospitalized for a little while to get him back on his feet and on some good medications. He needs professional help. No matter how hard you'll try, you still can't prescribe him meds, or keep him somewhere completely safe while he's under. Maybe he'll be mad at you for sending him to the hospital, but honestly, he'll probably thank you by the end of it. I know it helped me, and it helps most of the people who go there. Also, stay strong! Take care of yourself and don't let yourself succumb to the same feelings. Good luck!
I dated someone with bi polar depression, ADHD and aspergers syndrome. So i know how hard it can be, unfortunatly i wasnt aware of exactly what he had.
The unpredictable behaviour is most difficult, and the attention seeking part
Atleast take solice in the fact he is honest with you about his behaviour..and is warning you he will hurt u.
If u think the pain is worth it then you can work through it...but if you're not sure its worth the suffering on your part n u cnt take it (very understandable so dnt feel guilty!) then mybe u shld call it a day.
Best wishes :) xxxx
My boyfriend of one year has depression. He is undiagnosed so he doesnt take medication, which i think makes things harder.
Anyways, he has his times, like recently, where he is always asking me if I love him and if I would still love him in the future.
I think the hardest thing for him is that we live 8 hours away because of school, and he is the type of person that desperatly needs to be able to hold his SO.
The best thing you can do, although it may seem difficult at times, is to let him know your there when he needs you.
I deal with depression like that sometimes. I think your best bet is to stick with him and be patient, unless you feel like it does hurt you and the pain isn't worth it. I don't think any reasonable person would think badly of you for that, but it all boils down to what you value most.
My situation is different than his, but he may stay away from you during his worst times because he doesn't want to say something he doesn't mean. Depression skews how you view everything, and how everything affects you. In a normal frame of mind if you were late to come see him, he'd be understanding. In a very depressed state of mind he might think you were no longer interested, or he might even get angry at you, thinking nobody, not even his girlfriend, respects him or cares about him. Even though we eventually come out of it and realize that we overreacted, it's so hard to see that when you're low.
Anyway, he seems to be very good at being open with you even when he's very depressed. And you sound so patient and trusting. I get the feeling that you two can make it work even despite the things he has to deal with.For the record, my brother has ADD and depression, but there's nothing I can offer by way of advice from that. -shrugs-
You are not a professional, you aren't his therapist, and its only going to get harder. I think you need to re-evaluate what you want from the relationship and from a partner in general. Sometimes you just have to move on.
i haven't dated a guy with depression before but my best guy friend has it and ADHD AND a lot(i mean, A LOT) of other problems. he's inspired me to be a psychologist and help others like him deal with his problems.
My husband has atypical depression and ADD. When he is depressed, he is pretty much uncommunicative. Usually I've got a pretty good idea of what's wrong, but I have to wait out his funk for him to confirm it. I've never noticed his ADD manifest itself in our relationship, although once he began taking ritalin for concentration it seemed to help his mood and ability to relate to our toddler with patience. However, I also have depression, bipolar type 1, and the fact that we've both struggled through depression has helped us both to be understanding and supportive of each other. Be glad your boyfriend is aware of his problem and how it may effect you, but continue to encourage him to get extra help during his down times, perhaps medication, talk therapy, or using sun lamps during the winter.
Dating someone with depression is hard. It seems like he has seasonal affective disorder since his depression is worst at the winter months, in which case, light therapy may help. He can try talking to someone and go to counseling but that is really up to him.
I dated someone with depression too. It was so difficult, because he ended up admitting it but didn't want to do anything about it. I was worried about him all the time and he was emotionally draining me since he was so tired and apathetic. And I wanted to help him, but I didn't know how, and it was really hurting our relationship. We ended up breaking up, and his depression probably had something to do with it (but it's not the real reason), and I feel bad for being selfish and leaving, but I just couldn't do it anymore. After we broke up, he finally started to see a psychiatrist, and I think he's doing much better lately. I know he hit a low after we broke up, but it was what got him to finally go get help. We're still friends so I can still be a support for him, but it's easier when you're not in a relationship, because I'm not as obligated to help.
I'm not saying you should break up with him, but all you can really do is tell him that you care, that you're there for him, and tell him it's okay to seek professional advice. Good luck. And remember to go out and have fun outside of him; you don't need to be sad too.
I've been with my boyfriend almost 2 years (so close!) I know what you mean. He has ADD and bi-polar.. for the longest time I forgot he had it. Now all that bottled up crap is coming out all into ONE. It's difficult but I also have disorders so it's not like I'm saying it's easy on his part about me either. It's a choice. If you love him and can handle it... stay. Encourage him to get help if he needs it. I'll rather get support than get told what was wrong with me, blah blah.
it's sweet that you want to stick by him. He really needs that, even if it's hard. I've been diagnosed with depression and all I have are the couple of people who i know are there for me despite how callous and cold I can be. really, that's everything to me.
it takes a lot of patience. if you know him well and have strong feelings for him, then you should try to motivate him. the more encouragement he gets, the more he will want to be a part of a relationship. he says it's ok for you to leave him, but if you don't want to let go see if you can do something about it. However, if he continues his current state, he is not ready to be in a relationship and it will be very difficult on your part. may be you can be with him as a friend and not girlfriend necessarily unless you are willing to fight for it. it might take some time for him to take the initiative on anything. patience is pretty much it. all the best!!
if you stick around and support him when he is down, then he will apreciate and love you all the more when hes up.
as a suffereer of mild depression i know i apreciate people who helped me through the roungh more than the people who ran away.
xxx
@Ghost0402@xanga - how is this wise? if you put distress in context with the literal translation, then yes this makes sense. But if you do really love him/her, you wouldn't leave them. But I guess that's unconditional love, which isn't something we humans are capable of.