Friday, 05 December 2008
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How Can I Ask My GF to Lose Weight?
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.My girlfriend is overweight and I would like her to lose at least 10 kilos (20 pounds). I know she wants to lose the weight, but she has no discipline.
Also, she has told me she was anorexic when she was in high school, and I'm scared she will fall back into her old habits.
I want to help her, but how can I do it without hurting her feelings?
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Comments (144)
You can't. Don't be an ass.
JESUS. Glad you're not my boyriend.
Invite her to go out bike riding with you (or whatever it is you both enjoy doing). Make it a date or something. Be active together on a regular basis. Don't tell her she needs to lose weight or that she's ugly/fat if she has a history of eating disorders.
Encourage her to have a healthier lifestyle...and join her.
start with strolls at the park/beach. she'd be more motivated to lose the weight if she had a partner to do it with. if you dont need to lose the weight then use this opportunity to tone up while helping her lose the weight at the same time.
i'd be honest w/ her. i tell my bff all the time too. honesty is the best policy. but you have to remind her why you're still with her regardless of her weight. and you'd rather have her be at a healthier size.
If she asks you for your help, you give it by being supportive and helping her make healthy choices so she can get in shape but not spiral back down into her illness. If she doesn't ask you for your help, you back the fuck off and love her regardless of her weight. 20 pounds isn't morbidly obese and isn't a problem of being grossly unhealthy, it's a matter of a few extra pounds cushioning her bones. Deal. Or better yet, step aside and let her find a real man instead of a douchebag.
My suggestion is to offer to go on a diet WITH her. Tell her that you can both help each other out, not only to lose weight but to also live healthier lifestyles together. Tell her that by working together, it'll be easier for both of you to be healthier. I'd say something like this:
"I've been thinking that I want to eat healthier, and I know you've wanted to as well, so I think we should try to go on diets together. We can exercise together too, so we can make sure neither of us cheats. I think this is something we can do together and support each other."
This can also help make sure she doesn't go back to any anorexic habits because you can talk to each other about what you've eaten that day and make meals together that fit your diet.
You might not be overweight or you may not want to diet, but I think it's the best route to get her to lose weight without hurting her feelings. It can also be a bonding experience!
Don't tell her directly or else she'll bite your ass (not literally, but you know what I mean). Indirect approach is the best; start going out for walks, play some sports in the park, etc. If you know how to cook you can start cooking healthier food for the both of you at home instead of going out to eat.
I hope your worried about her health and not just about her looks. Good grief - i'd be completely disturbed if my bf even in a round about way said that I was overweight.
However, if she wants to lose the weight, be more than willing to go beyond what you should to help her in any way that you can. It's better if the two of you work together rather than you just saying lose it. Someone sitting on the sideline saying negative things to the person whose actually trying to lose the pounds can have a tremendous mental affect on them.
20 pounds is nothing, unless your 5 foot nothing. We worry so much that we gained 5 pounds in a month instead of looking back and saying "That was a damn good month."
So - you know she had an eating disorder. You know it's possible she could fall back into her old habits. But you still think it would be worth "chancing it" for her to try to lose weight? I'm miffed that you believe that's a gamble you think is acceptable to take.
The fact that you said "[I] would like her to lose 20 lbs" makes me lose all sympathy for your situation. Like, dude, it's not even your body, go find another one to see naked if it bothers you so much and leave the poor girl alone. But to answer your question, so as to help you be as inoffensive and do as little harm as possible - suggest joining a gym together. Tell her that you think you personally have fallen out of good health/good shape and you're thinking about joining a gym, would she like to come with you? Using yourself as the lead takes the pressure off her.
Ask her to join you when you go jogging.
Yeah, I'd probably dump someone if they told me to lose weight in any manner. She's probably telling you that she thinks she is fat because she wants you to tell her the exact opposite. If you really want someone skinnier I'd find another girl or just start making your lifestyle with her more active.
I second all the other comments about working out and being disciplined together! :)
hmm, I might cap my boyfriend and feel ugly if he ever told me I need to lose weight. ahaha.
don't tell her straight out, that will only hurt her feelings. start doing active things with her and start ordering or making heathly food. or tell her you feel like losing weight or toning up and ask her to be your gym buddy or something.
xo
I always find the direct approach to be the best. You're in the right IF you know she wants to lose the weight.
Doesn't mean give negative reinforcement though. I thirdly support the suggestion of losing the weight together. You may have to step in directly and reduce what she wants to eat.
Also have her help you in improving one of your own flaws.
I love how people are answering your question as if you asked "How can I get my girlfriend back to her anorexic ways?". Anyway, in case you were considering it, it's not a good idea to tell her to lose weight directly because she used to be anorexic and that's just messed up. So, take it a step at a time. Go for walks, ask her to jog with you (if she asks if it's because she's fat say it's because you want to spend time with her), if you're going to treat her to anything make sure it has nothing to do with food and don't go eating delicious fattening things in front of her because she might want some of that stuff too. In any case DO NOT mention diets or exercising or whatever. Oh and have (safe!) sex if you're both down with that I heard that burns calories.
Everyone pretty much said that same thing I would say. Do it TOGETHER! You need to be supportive of each other. If she wants to lose weight, then the next step is coming up with a plan together.
My boyfriend NEEDS to lose weight too, so I can relate. And it has nothing to do w/ his appearance. Believe me. I love him no matter what. However, he has high cholesterol and asthma. So he needs to be concerned medically.
My problem is, I can be an "enabler". I buy his favorite snacks, etc. So we discussed that I would no longer be buying junk food and that we will eat more chicken and fish. I am an extremely healthy eater, but even too healthy for him. So I understand. I've also discussed w/ his mom about my plans because she agrees that he needs to lose weight, so when we go there for dinner, she will only make fish. I will also try to make his chili and sloppy joes with half ground beef and half turkey.
I'll also suggest that we work out together, etc. We're in the process of purchasing a treadmill, but even nice long walks together, or like someone else mentioned, bike rides, etc.
Good Luck!
@AirForceVirgin@xanga - lol, that was the same thought I had when I read this!
@awwwwwwberry@xanga - Agreed.
Whatever you do, don't just come out and say, "I think you need to lose some weight." Even though she wants to lose some, it still is harsh for people to hear it from someone else. The only suggestion I have would be to offer to work out together...take her on a date bike riding or on a hike. Try to be active with her rather than telling her to be active by herself. I've always found it easier to work out with someone, so this may be the push that she needs to start losing weight. Also, cook her healthy meals...not only is the idea of you cooking for her romantic, but it will also help get her on the right track to losing weight. Hope this helps!
Help her be more disciplined. Ask her to go/do things with you and involve activities and order low fat/cal. things off menus with her until she's alright doing it on her own. Knowing you support her and that she isn't alone as well as letting her know you want her healthy and not sick and anorexic would probably help.
Good grief, why would you want to do such a thing!? You'd be completely insensitive douche-bad, especially given her history of eating disorders.
Women are especially sensitive about their weight, even more so in this crazy media-driven world where the "ideal" portrayed is no where near achievable without the help of some paintshop skills.
Start being more active with her, in a roundabout way. Plan dates where it's the two of you just walking somewhere, or riding bikes, or going swimming. When you go out to eat, suggest different, healthier dishes that you could both try.
Whatever you do, follow these two golden rules:
1) Do NOT under ANY circumstances make references to her weight, good or bad, unless your opinion is asked for
2) Anything that you do to help her, do TOGETHER. That is key. She is more likely to go along with it if she sees it more as bonding, healthy time with you rather than a chore that she must do to meet your so-called "ideal".
Finally, how is your weight situation? Wouldn't want the kettle calling the pot black now, would we?
Oh, and one last thing: LOVE YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOR WHO SHE IS, NOT WHAT YOU WANT HER TO BE.
if u really care about her, you wouldnt be asking her to lose weight >=(
but i guess......if anything, say ur going for a jog and ask if she wants to go with you. problem is theres really nothing u can say or do if she says no.
ohmigawd! are you stupid!?
there's no way to do that. just like there's no right answer to "honey, does this make me look fat?"
just ask her to go with you when you work out or pick up more active hobbies to do together. don't friggin "tell" her to lose weight!