This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.You have a wonderful boyfriend of just over a year. Things are going great with the two of you, and there really could be a future there.
Except...
He has no job. He's been unemployed for about a year. Although he's had odd jobs here and there, there's nothing to pay off the $25,000 in debt he's created from buying a new car when he DID have a job. He makes no effort to hunt for jobs despite your frequent attempts to explain his financial (and credit!) situation to him. He just gets angry and does not want to talk.
You work 40 hours a week, full time, and you pay for everything you ever want to do, and pay for everything of HIS as well.
Is this a deal breaker? Do you break it off with a great guy because he's not financially motivated?
Lastly...what does this SAY about this guy?
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Comments (70)
He doesn't seem to care much about himself. So what makes you think he will care about you or your personal and financial well being?
If he's not gonna work now then he's probably not going to work later. I'm sorry, but if I work my butt off everyday so he can sit around on his able-bodied butt all day playing Xbox or watching television, then I'm not gonna deal with that. Once he gets his act together I might consider it, but that's just me.
I'd break it off.
Sigh, I ask myself the same questions. The difference is that my boyfriend has a job (I do not) and I am still expected to pay for everything. The most recent explanation for this is that he has bills to pay (car insurance, phone, last of the tab on his car repairs), and I don't, therefore I should be able to pay for everything that he cannot. I don't get the logic (I don't have a job! And my bank account is not an infinite resource), but I care about him, and he can be great when he wants to be.
Yeah, that wasn't very helpful, but at least you know you're not alone. =/
Definite deal-breaker. Break it off at least let him know that he wont be getting any $$ from you for a while. It is not fair that you are paying for everything because he doesnt have a job. He is a man and should definitely think about taking care of himself if not you. Even if you are making enough for the both of you, he should at least make enough to get out of debt sometime in the future. His reluctance to get a job is only because he is in a comfortable situation.
Yes. I didn't even have to read the entry, and I already know the answer is yes. HUGE dealbreaker.
Say "see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya" and walk. HAHA. It just doesnt sound like he's very ambitious nor does he want to play the grown up role. I would never want to date a guy that cannot financially take care of himself. I can take care of myself, then he should be able to too. If he cant, then what makes me think that we can have a future together and raise a family of our own? So yea, this would be a dealbreaker.
Money doesn't buy love, but it sure as hell can buy a lot in today's world. I'd rather live alone in a house than be in love w/ someone and live in a shed. Sorry, I'm shallow & selfish that way.
Break that! (all on the floor) Break that! (gimme some more)...
*cough* whoa what was that? Anyways those are not good signs. It shows he's rather unmotivated and the future doesn't look that promising with him. You say he's otherwise great, but idk I would need more information to give a good answer. I'm leaning towards dealbreaker though.
unemployment is definitely dealbreaker material. lack of funds because of a bad job isn't
Definitely a deal breaker. Not having money isn't a deal breaker, but his unwillingness to do anything about it is. Seems like he's just using you for your money.
Give him one last warning letting him know what's at stake, if he doesn't get his shit together. Tell him he now needs to start looking for a girlfriend as well.
i know you really like this guy, but if you're considering marriage, think again. marriage isn't all about money, but definitely don't go marry a bum though! there has to be some sort of financial stability.
@Tina_Kushnu@xanga - i totally agree with you!
that sounds like my situation. but if he doesn't have rent money, he's out. i won't let him stay unless he can pay his share. fair is fair.
Consider it this way: if you get married, his debt will become your debt and if he doesn't care enough to get things under control and support himself, then he probably won't mind dragging you down with him. He doesn't have to have enough money to lavish you with gifts, but being able to pay his bills, get himself out of debt, and take you out to eat every now and then should be essential.
one word: DEADBEAT. "He makes no effort to hunt for jobs"...that should tell you something...
Love is fine and good and all, but it won't put food on the table. Find someone who is actually going to help you and not be a financial drain.
I'd scare him and when he is actually looking for a job because he *has* to, wait until he has a few interviews lined up or when he comes knocking because he has a job. He might just need some tough love. I wouldn't just throw it all away because one day when it is the other way round he might be there for you too.
It depends how the whole situation is, how his attitude is, if he is scared (needs some reassurance or perhaps a course in interviews or help with CV) or he is just lazy or if he is just using you. Depends a lot I would say...
*by scare him I mean say you are walking because of this situation.
Done. Case closed. Moving on....I wouldn't have even stuck around that long.
The fact he's jobless doesn't bug me, the fact he's not looking for anything does. This shows no consideration of reality, economics, responsibility or the desire to achieve anything out of life.
Why would you stick around? You're being a one man show, and he's doing nothing.
Break it off. Relationships are about teamwork and he already isn't doing his part. Also, he doesn't seem to be much of a long-term thinker with that kind of debt and isn't making strides to get a better job.
He is a grown ass man, he should know that he needs to get a job. If you ask me, I say he is making you into his sugar mama. I can't believe you put with this for a year now. It should've ended by the sixth month. I'm a realist, and people need to understand the fact that a guy may be great, but love doesn't buy shelter, food, clothing, pay the bills, insurance, cell phone bills. Wake up people, love doesn't overcome financial difficulty. When is the last time you heard a woman fall in love with homeless man? Of all the homeless people in this country you telling me there is not ONE good guy. Statistic is on my side.
It's up to you. There are those women in the world that enjoy that sort, like helping him back onto his feet, and then there are those, like me, who couldn't respect him if he didn't have a job/was conscious of what he was doing with money.
Best of luck.
Definate dealbreaker, I would leave his lazy selfish ass. How are you expected to support him, its not like you have kids and he stays home to take care of them while you bring home the bacon.
he really should get a job or try, if he wants a future with you.
He is just using ur money, maybe he love you but you cant depend ur whole future on a guy who doesnt bother to find a job and uses ur hard earn money.
Similar situation happened to one of my closest ones. Human beings have tendency of laziness. After not working for a while, it's hard for a person to be motivated in getting a career or, at least, supporting him/herself.
My closest one's husband didn't work for >2 yrs, and she worked >15hrs a day, paying all the expenses(also his lesiure expenses!) Finally, he left her for another woman (still having no job), and my dear got SERIOUSLY sick due to over torture, stress, and work. Now she cannot work but rest at home....
So unless, you are not aiming at having a long term relationship, don't get a guy who can't even support himself.
dealbreaker! you are NOT his mom and shouldn't have to motivate him to look for a job. you deserve someone who's on the same level as you no matter what.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga- I hope you don't pay for the other things that he can't afford! You shouldn't have to pay for his stuff since he has other stuff to pay for. That's his own problem and he needs to provide for himself.