This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.I'm in a dilemma and am being forced to make some pretty grown up decisions for once. I am in a serious relationship with my boyfriend of a year and a half. It's been a whirlwind romance since the day we met. Before we started dating (just three weeks after we met), he professed his love for me and his intent to make me his wife if given the chance.
Needless to say, we began dating soon afterward, and even though we've had our fair share of ups and downs, it's been great. We definitely want to get married one day; we're just waiting for the "right time". While we really have no idea when the "right time" will be, we both figured we would be out of school, in the near vicinity of one another, and working. He nearly proposed to me about six months ago, but after a conversation we had about our not really being ready to make those decisions at the moment, he decided to wait until later to make that leap, even though he has already given me a promise ring.
So, what's the dilemma? Well, without his knowledge, my boyfriend's parents have been less than honest on certain government forms. Our university selected him for a random check and, as a result, he's lost all of his financial aid.
The school was generous enough to reinstate most of his aid to finish out this year, but next year, he will be responsible for the entire bill. That year will be his last here. I, however, am graduating in May.
We've been looking at different avenues for him to be able to finish his education since getting the news; we thought about having him transfer to a different school, but he'd have to be in school another two to three years because all of his credits won't transfer. He's thinking of going into another school for another field entirely, but we're not really sure how the finances will work out in that case, either. Plus, that means that most likely we'd be apart for two, three...even four years. We asked the school if emancipating him from his parents would help, but it will take three years to take effect.
The only way he will be able to emancipate himself right away and to get his aid back would be for us to get married. He could try to take out a loan for the entire $40,000, but it'll be hard with no cosigner and, if we do eventually get married, I'll be taking on that debt as well.
While this isn't the fantasy "right time" we were hoping for, marriage is an option. He doesn't want to get married right now just because of this, and says he doesn't want to regret getting married because of this circumstance later. He says he wants to be able to get me the engagement ring he's been promising and give me all the things he thinks I deserve.
While I can understand his views, whenever the "right time" is...it's still circumstantial. We'll still be waiting for all of our chips to fall into place, and without being in total control of where we're employed and possibly when or where he'd graduate if he transfers, the "right time" will be dependent on circumstances in our life at the time. Yes, this situation came up at a most inopportune time, and maybe this isn't the time we fantasized about in our heads...but not everything in life goes according to plan, and maybe that "right time" could be now.
What do you guys think? Do you think marriage is the right way to go? How would you handle this situation?
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Comments (47)
Well if you love each other why not. I see his point in not rushing into things because of this but you have been planning it for a while anyways. So go for it?
Nope, go with the loan. Student loans have lower APRs anyways compared to a traditional CC. And I agree w/ the BF about marrying under these circumstances. Once he's done with school and finds a decent job, he can easily pay off the 40K, it's going to be like making car payments. And even if you get married with him later, yes, that debt does become yours too but marriage altogether is a huge deal. You guys will have to share all the financial responsibilities anyways. Things like utiities, rent, mortgage, car payments, personal expenses, etc.
I wouldnt get married under these circumstances. Hell, I was in a relationship for 10 yrs and the guy said he'd marry me someday too....that never happened. So yea, ANYTHING can happen. Don't get married until you're 100% sure that you're willing to live and grow old w/ this person.
Oh wow, I really see the dilemma here. I personally would try your best to figure out alternative solutions before using the marriage card. It might work, but I'm not sure I would want to get married at this time primarily for that reason.
Going into marriage with that kind of debt is not easy. It is difficult for newly weds to get used to eachother even without the entire process of paying off $40k. . .
The best advice i could give is to take a little time off from school before his next semester. Find a suitable job for now and just finish his last year while doing some part time work.
If you think being married, and emancipated will help the entire process, then do it. I wouldn't take out that loan. That's a sticky situation to be in at that age. If you are able to finish school, do so. Get a job to start a career and help him pay for school (After all he is your husband). Now is not the time to be thinking about traditional gender roles anyway (they're so. . . traditional).
I hope you put a lot of thought into it before you take the big leap, but good luck.
marriage isnt supposed to be an instant band aid. people dont realize this. get the loan and wait it out. dont jump too soon or it could be a mistake.
No. Don't marry for the wrong reasons, and this is it.Try looking into different institutional resources. Worst comes to worse, take the year off and work.
Get married later.
Blablabla, don't get married now. If you get married already, you are STUPID. There are plenty of kids who don't have the money saved for them before going to school.
You know what they do?
GET A JOB.
If it were me, go with the loan. I took out loans for five years of college (at a way overpriced university), and I'm still paying off those loans, but I'm slowly but surely putting a dent in my debt. If you're diligent and smart, you can handle a loan without getting yourself into any trouble. I wouldn't reccommend getting married right now... that's such an important life event, make sure the circumstances surrounding it aren't things like school loans, etc!
Good luck...
Take the loan. If you're willing to spend the rest of your life with him anyway, what difference does the student loan make? You'll be sharing everything else of a financial nature anyway, so what is an extra $40,000? It's a drop in the ocean compared to the $100,000+ house mortgage that you'll end up having to pay off.
I'm in agreement with the boyfriend here - don't get married to try and solve one situation now. It's recipe for disaster, just like getting married because you got the girl pregnant. Those marriages never usually last anyway.
What field is your boyfriend trying to get a job in after he graduates? If he's paying $40,000+ a year, it must be a well-paying job and so re-paying the loan shouldn't be that hard. Sure, you may need to make a few sacrifices through the first few years of your marriage, but that is what a relationship is all about: sacrifice and compromise.
Trust us, waiting is best and marriage is not an answer to every problem that life throws at you. At best, it's a crutch to help you through those moments. Oh, and look at this as an opportunity to help build your credit so you'll be able to take advantage of all the cheap rates for various items later in your life - car, mortage, credit cards etc.
Good luck!
@OstentatiousEloquence@xanga - That would definitely help them so they can get the loan and begin repayments already, although there aren't too many part-time student-friendly jobs that I know of that pay $40,000+ per year.
The concept is sound though. :)
@cmdr_keen@xanga - She was willing to marry him. Therefore, they can BOTH get part-time to full-time jobs to pay for it. Even 20,000 I understand is pushing it. But then up your hours. OR you know, he could go to a community college, and she wouldn't have to work- or at least as much.
40,000 a year is ridiculous. My school isn't cheap by my own parents' standards (despite the fact that my grandfather left me 100,000 after he died), and it's $26,000 a year, which is a lot less.
The whole "his credits won't transfer so he'd have to go to school for another 2-3 years" sounds like a WAY over-generalization. I just transferred this year and, though 9 of my credits transferred as electives (out of 27), I still have the same number of credits. If she looks around at different schools, that really shouldn't be a problem.
Marriage should be the answer if like... he has a terminal illness and is going to die within the next 6 months-year. Otherwise, stupidity is the culprit.
What is his major? If it's something that can leave him a decent paycheck, go with the loan. If he's majoring in Goldfish Stories, it's not worth the debt.
Just don't get married for these reasons.
Well, you have already been together a year and a half, and you have already been talking marriage. As far as the timing goes, I've always thought that if you wait for the exact right time, you could be waiting forever.
Keep in mind, though, that weddings are expensive, and stressful, and it won't be easy to be newlyweds while he's finishing school.
If you really feel like you have the maturity to do it, then it might be just the catalyst you need to move your relationship forward into marriage. Sure, it's not terribly romantic, but you can do all that stuff later, when you're more stable.
@MoonFaeEyryan@xanga - goldfish stories..HAHAHAHAHAHA
@OstentatiousEloquence@xanga - Absolutely.
$40,000 a year IS ridiculous. I'm in Texas, and there's Southern Methodist University that charges about that much. It's crazy. It's a private school, so I'm guessing this is too. I have a friend who is in a private school wanting to transfer, and apparently most of her credits wont transfer either. I think it's a private school thing. Even as an international transfer student paying out-of-state rates I'd only be paying about half of that at best...
The place I'm at now is just under $10,000 a year so I'm pretty lucky :)
Another thing to consider is that most institutions will require you to complete a certain number of courses at their institution before they'll be willing to let you graduate from their school. It's called the residency requirement. It almost caught me out when I transferred...
Your reasons for getting married are good, too.
I know it makes sense to marry him...but things like marriage aren't planned out for convenience but when you know knowknowthat you want to spend therest of your life with this one person and if you're doing it for some other reason, then maybe there will be resentment later. Who knows for what but you never know. Personally, I would hold off on getting married and take the loan. What about scholarships? Anything? You've exhausted absolutely EVERY option?
He should do the loan himself. Financial reasons are NOT good enough. Yes, you think you two will get married now, but anything could happen.
Let's look at the worst case scenario: The two of you break up. Now, you are cosigned to a 40000 dollar loan.
Are you kidding me?! If you're just going to share it anyway, have him take on the entire loan, and help him *without* cosigning.
Please. Be smart about this.
Best of luck.
marriage is not a good option. marriage shouldn't be the miracle cure.
he could perhaps even postpone graduation by delaying graduation (a deferal) by a year or two so he could work full time to find enough funds. I am sure if the school is allowing to pay for tuition for the rest of this year will allow some sort of agreement for this. Plus, most universities have some sort of deferral policy anyways.
I have no goverment money coming to me. All my years in college have been paid by me working and student loans.
Weddings are expensive. If you cant even pay for school, wake makes you think you can pay for a wedding? and what makes him think he can get a decient job without a degree. In an economy with major job losses he's screwed without a degree.
don't get marry because of this. there got to be other options beside getting for him to finish school.
It is not a good idea to get married just because of some financial issues. Marriage is huge commitment, and loans are a big deal too. As much as people hate to admit it, a marriage is not all about love...it is a financial decision also. While you are madly in love with him now, things can change. Obviously you guys are still fairly young as you mentioned his being emancipated. Both of you are still growing. Things change. People change. You're life will be immensely different when you graduate, and his will also. You cannot predict that you will grow together. I think marriage is a big decision to be made once you already know where your chips have fallen. Making this decision based solely on financial need can put a strain on the relationship - one of you may begin to resent the other for maybe "trapping" the other into a situation that could be avoided. There are plenty of options out there for finishing school that don't require a marriage license.
I think he could look into more loans and find one that will help him.
Xo
You should ask him if he can try to take an overload of classes so he might be able to graduate a semester early and cut that loan to $20,000 instead of $40,000. Another good idea is to take a semester/year off and get a part/full-time job while taking a few classes from community colleges that will transfer and help him graduate earlier and pay off some of the bill. You definitely should not marry for mercenary reasons, it is unfair to both of you. Marriage is a huge step and definitely should not be rushed even if you are both certain getting married later in the future. Things change. Best of luck with everything.
i am in this same situation and i have no idea what to do.