We received two militaryish posts yesterday and have combined them into one post for you 
So I've been dating this guy for about a month and we both really like each other. Things are going great between us. I feel like we really connect and I'm really comfortable around him - I feel like he's someone I actually want to marry.
Problem is, he's leaving to join the military in a month and a half. And his tour'll last for four years.
I feel so torn because I don't know if I should even keep seeing him and get even more attached to him because I'll inevitably be crushed when he leaves. If we do keep up our relationship after he leaves, I don't know if I can handle his being away for four years, especially since we've just met each other.
If you've been in a military relationship, what has your experience been like? Has it worked out? How hard was it?
-rockerchick
For me, military men are very appealing, yet I hate dating them.
Don't get me wrong, I'm completely head over heels in love with my BF, but I HATE that he is in the military. Not only does it steal him away from me for months or weeks at a time, but it just puts a restriction on his life and, inevitably, mine, too.
In the past, I started dating a guy my junior year of high school; later that year, he decided to join the Marines. I was totally opposed to it; I felt like he was choosing that over me...well, needless to say, we broke up.
While he was in boot camp, he wrote me and, well, we got back together and stayed together for about six months. We got engaged in March of 2008 - he explained it was the only way that I could be with him. He proposed in a Denny's parking lot...to me, it just didn't feel right. I ended up deciding it was in our best interest to break up. I broke up with him in late June/early July.
As time's passed, I've started to have feelings for my best friend, who happens to be in the Navy. I ended up visiting him in South Carolina to see if things could progress and we could become more than friends . . . well, we did.
We have now been dating for four months. I have fallen in love with him and I love everything about him - it's just that distance sucks so much. No matter how strongly you feel for your military guy, it doesn't matter because he still has to leave - it's not like he can quit or just stay one more day. He HAS to leave.
Half the time, I feel like it's not fair; other times, I feel like it's life preparing me. If we can make it through this, then we can make it through anything.
I found that the Marines changed my ex for the worse, whereas the Navy changed my BF for the better.
Do you think there is a difference in the branches of the military?
-MistletoeLove
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Comments (65)
i don't think there's a difference between the branches. i'm just praying that they'll all come home soon. i used to date a military man, but it didn't last, so we're now best friends. my fiance now is an ex-military.Â
if you know it'll work out, you do by any means to keep it working. there's a lot of commitment towards a relationship like that.
Military men. Gotta love a guy in uniform, I must say. But dating a guy in the military is just like dating any other guy. You'll just have that little extra *they'll be gone a long time* thing.
It's up to you (and your individual relationship) whether you want to deal with that. Along with the fact that they'll be gone goes all of the things that you should be wary of in any long distance relationship.
I'm dating a guy who's about to go into the Navy right now, and he told me that when he went to nuke school that maybe *we should just be friends.* Because I don't know what I"m going to do with the distance thing (I've done it once or twice before with different people), I am just going to wait and see how it goes.
Best of luck.
I've already left a comment on MistletoeLove's site about her post... Still, I will copy what I said there here for all to read (since I bet her site won't get any more hits after this)
Yes
and no. I'm in a military school environment. We are mixed branches and
allow Navy/Marine, Army, and Air Force to exist side by side. Some of
my friends are Air Force, some Army and some Navy contract. They're all
in it for different reasons, and they all have different personalities.
It's always said that marines are the crazy ones. The ones that do the
most dangerous, risk and gutsy things. One of my Army buddies is
joining the Air Assault team and he's the craziest guy I know. Another
is joining the Navy to get more training in his field because he's
getting a degree in nuclear engineering and the Navy is just he best
place for experience. Yeah, all the branches train different and do
things differently. The Navy/Marine ROTC cadets complain because all
they do is attend briefings and learn about submarines. The Air Force
cadets march around all day and learn protocol. The Army is the only
ROTC that actually does practical training, but that's the way the Army
is, all about getting you ready and out there asap. The Air force is
much more professional and has many opportunities for ordinary jobs
rather than combat. Because of that people also call them wimps.
All
branches do the same things though, in terms of initial training, just
in different ways. When you first get there, they tear you down. They
strip you of everything and life sucks. Then they build you back up,
teaching you things, making you stronger and molding you into a good
soldier, etc. for their respective branch. Because of the different
techniques, though, people will have different experiences and take
different things away from the experience. In the end, it's not so much
the branches that are different (though they are) but the differences
in the people themselves and how they take it.
Wow, funny post to be here today, as I am leaving to pick my BF up from boot camp in roughly 3 hours.
I've been dating him 10 months - the best 10 months of my life, and 4 of them have been while he's been away. I knew when I started dating him that he'd be joining the Army, and stuck with him and supported him every step through.
I'll be honest, I hate his job. I know someone has to do it, but I wish it weren't him. However, I love him and his job is a part of him, so I accept it. He's in for another three years, where he'll be in Alaska (I'm in MS) or Iraq. But we've lasted through boot, where the communication was MINIMAL (I got 12 letters over 15 weeks and 3 phonecalls). In Alaska we'll have phones and webcams, and maybe even in Iraq too. It'll be just like a long distance relationship, only he's in a little bit more danger. But as a Christian, I trust God and I trust him to take care of my boy while he's gone.
And distance really does make the heart grow fonder. My heart is racing with anticipation to see him right now. You have no idea.
Kudos to all the military girlfriends, keep supporting your soldiers!
When Army personnel go on initial entry PCS they tend to be in-country and stationary for a while. Deployments are rough, but there's no reason not to date someone because they're government employees.
I married a Marine. Before we married we only saw each other on the weekends and I think that is what made me fall hard for him. Not being able to have him all the time, made me want him that much more. We met in February, started dating in two weeks after meeting, got engaged in May of the same year and he left that August to serve seven months overseas. My mother told me I was in the most depressed state she had ever seen anyone. I got to receive calls from him about once a week and I got an email from him everyday. If I didn't get an email, my mind went to the worst. We married the month he came back and it has been two & a half years. He got out of the Marines almost a year and a half ago. And I miss it terribly. I made some awesome friends and my husband's schedule was actually pretty predictable.
I say it all depends on if you truly love him or not. If you love him, the distance does not make a difference. You NEED trust and communication -- that is definitely key.
I sometimes wish my husband would re-enlist, but knowing what is going on, he said he may not have a choice. *shrug* I guess we'll see. Good luck to both of you in what you decide. Just so you know, sometimes the only thing keeping the guys sane overseas is their girls waiting on them back home.
rockerchick:
if you know you can't handle it, break up with him now. it's pointless to break his heart while he is already away. if you choose not to i wish you the best of luck.
as for mistletoe love: i honestly wouldn't know how to answer that. maybe he didn't change at all? maybe you just no longer found him interesting?
ditto italktotrees, kudos to all you military girlfriends!
i don't think there's a difference between the branches. my dad and a bunch of other family members used to be in the navy, and i have a few friends now in the navy, marines, army, and air force. they're all gone at one point or another, although not at the same time.
i've never dated a military guy, but based on what i've seen from friends who have, it's like dating any other guy...except they're away more. but then again, you could argue the same about the boyfriend who travels for business a lot. one of my close friends dated a marine and he was the coolest guy ever. i'm still sad they broke up (for other reasons, not because he was in the military).
either way your man is, military or civilian, you have to support him.
Dating in the military is extremely difficult, especially the long distance aspect if he is stationed away from you. My husband and I were already married when he enlisted in the Army. That was hard in itself.
There has to be lots of love, trust and communication on both sides, the same as any relationship. If both parties are committed to making the relationship work, it can.It just may be a bit harder.
Good luck to you!
Oh and CinChouse is a good place for support.
My boyfriend is currently a Merchant Marine, bound for the Marines come graduation, at which time he will owe 5 years of service. He's currently in his first mandatory sea-year, meaning he has to sail on a merchant ship for four months. He's in South America with decent e-mail access, meaning e-mails every other day, and, if he can, phone calls when he makes port.
Since our relationship started while he was at his academy, I'm used to the long distance. This is, obviously, the longest distance we've had, but next year the sea-year is eight months. This is just practice.
I honesty can't imagine my life without him at this point. People think I'm crazy, and say they couldnt handle it, but I do believe it takes certain people to make a military relationship work. It's not for everyone, and no one can blame those who can't make it work. It's hard, and I know it's only going to get harder, but to me, he is worth it.
I have great respect for all men and women in the military, and all the men and women at home supporting them.
Military relationships usually marry quick so they can be together when military person has to leave. I've seen as short at 2 months!
My husband and I dated for 2 years before he decided to join the military, and I had to make that choice of whether I wanted to support him and stick by him, or if it was something I just couldn't handle. In the end, I chose to stay with him.
Dating and marrying a military person is the same as dating or marrying any other person. The military is a job, albeit a little more close-knit, nosy, and dangerous job, but still a job.
You handle separations because you have to, and because you love them. I adore knowing that my husband is thinking and waiting to come home to me while overseas, while I'm here thinking and waiting for him to come back to me. That sounds ridiculous that I enjoy that, but you have to see the silver lining.
My husband is Air Force and went on his first deployment this past January. He was gone until June, and when he came back, the passion and the love was so strong, I teared up just looking at him. He would be eating and I would glance over and get goosebumps and shivers knowing he was RIGHT THERE, close enough for me to TOUCH, and I would tear up. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I love the military life, I've made such wonderful friends. Yeah, deployments and TDY's suck, but that's what you have to know you're signing up for. Really, you're a lot stronger than you think you are. The day my husband left I was near hysterics. It was the most surreal feeling on the planet, and I thought the next six months were going to be a nightmare. They were no bed of roses, but it wasn't unbearable. I worked, I took college classes, and I hung out with my friends. I'll be doing all those things again in September when he goes again.
All in all, know what the lifestyle entails, and if you really don't think you can handle it, then be fair to your guy and tell him, before he gets attached.
@youngvan@xanga - I've seen that too as a military spouse and it angers me soo much! I've especially seen it done when the military member is about to deploy and him and his gf get married really quickly so they can get extra money.
It makes me sick.
I dated my husband for two years before he decided to join, and even then it was a very touch decision to decide to get married. I can't imagine making that choice based on 2 months!
My advice to the first person - you've only been dating a month. You are SO not ready and cannot possibly know him well enough to make the kind of commitment it takes to wait for him for FOUR YEARS. I have had to make this decision, so I know what it takes and you really have to know someone to make that kind of decision.
And to both of you, having dated a military man myself, the problem with the military is that your relationship will ALWAYS come second and the military will ALWAYS come first. It's not like other careers where sometimes you have to do things for your career and put your relationship second, but sometimes your relationship is first. Your relationship is ALWAYS going to come second. And he will have no control over his life. Just when you think he's coming back to you, he will be sent away again. With my boyfriend, even when he was supposed to get out of the military, he got stop lossed and sent to Iraq. The military owns your boyfriend for life (even if he only signed up for 6 years) and he will not be there for birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. And if he goes to war, who knows how he will come back. He could be injured, killed or come back with post-traumatic stress syndrome. He may not be the same person that you fell in love with.
And beyond all of that, there are certain values the military promotes and ingrains in these guys' minds so that they have the mindset to be able to go off and kill people if necessary. Personally, as a pacifist, this also caused a lot of problems in my relationship. You have to have a rather traditional set of values, which I don't.
Honestly, my advice is not to date military men. Unless you're really ok with having no control over your lives and relationship.
I am married to a Marine and we have been together for four years now, all of which he has been in the military. We met only two months before he left for boot camp, remained friends throughout, and when he came home, we started dating. I have to say that our relationship does NOT come second. He puts me before he puts the Marines. I'm sorry, hopelessromantic that you had a boyfriend like that, but not all military men are hardcore, trained killers that don't put as much effort into their relationships as they do the military. Military men are some of the best men I have ever known (and I know a lot!) They have values that most men don't possess, and you couldn't feel any safer when you are with them. My husband and I have been through a deployment to Iraq, several small missions (which last one week to a month), and are about to go through another deployment. But we are still so completely in love. My advice to you who are considering a relationship with a military man-- you cannot be selfish. You have to reassure your man that you will be faithful to him while he is away. I have seen too many men ruined by unfaithful women, and it is heart-breaking. They will be away for holidays, but you have the knowledge that while your man is away, he is doing something for you and for your country that no other man can give his girlfriend/wife. You have the pride that most women can't even understand. If you are able to last through a deployment, you know that you can make it through anything. Being a military girlfriend or wife is not easy, but it is worth it. It takes the right kind of girl, though, you just have to ask yourself if you are willing to be selfless because that really is the key to making the relationship work.
my boyfriend was in the army.. i knew him for roughly 4 yrs before he joined.. and he came home last year in october from iraq and we hung out while my daughter's father who i was seeing then was in jail.. me and BD weren't getting along very well at the time and were having major problems.. me and kyle ended up kissing before he left to go back to iraq.. and after that kiss i knew i wanted to be with him.. he made me feel soo many emotions in that one kiss it was amazing.. we talked on the internet and he called me when he could.. i was still with the BD and we broke up soon after.. he treated me like shit.. literally.. he'd spit in my face.. constantly tell me that i was cheating on him cuz i wouldn't give him attention.. well hello im taking care of our 10 month old.. sry.. maybe you should help.. yeh so i got myself and my daughter out of that situation.. we started dating almost a year ago.. if fact tomorrow it will be a year ago.. i made decisions that i absolutly hate that i made cuz it hurt him and i never wanted to hurt him.. he was stationed in Iraq most of our relationship.. he got ouot of the army to be with me.. he came back to the states in the beginning of april came home for the weekends.. but was in Ft. Bragg, NC finally got to come home at the end of july.. he flew me down there to see him and it was the best time.. i met his friends that he served with.. they are amazing people.. he's home with me now and we're working on getting over the past and my mistakes but we've made it thru alot.. and we're still going strong..
my advice is to just go with what ur heart desires.. if you truly love ur military man you can make it work.. it will take alot of patience especially if they are overseas cuz most can't handle or deal with that they have done and dont wanna talk about it.. and they will probably pick up drinking.. which is understandable if you look at it..
My sister is in a military relationship. Its pretty hard on her and she complains all the time. But she dies get to see him almost everyday on web cam and talks by e-mail constantly. But even then, she constantly complains with "You don't know what it feels like to not see your boyfriend for months!!!" and maybe I don't. But I did used to do the whole 'online dating' thing. Her boyfriend is in Iraq right now. One thing I have to tell people about dating military people: get ready to be away from your SO longer than you think. My sisters boyfriend was supposed to return from Iraq in February and now they pushed it back to June. And apparently that's not just him. My ex brother in law works with the military and he says that's happening to everyone.
If you honestly think you can deal with that then fine. But when it comes to me, and almost everyone else I know, I just cant take it.
They all suck...Air Force, Army, Marines, Navy, and we'll even count the Coast Guard...
Coming out of the military myself, I always tell all my female friends the same thing...
"DO NOT DATE GUYS IN THE MILITARY...IF THERE IS ONE TIME YOU LISTEN TO ME IN MY LIFE, LET THIS BE THE ONE TIME..."
All the girls that didn't listen came back to me destroyed...All the girls that passed the military guy over to their friends watched their friends get destroyed...
Lets think about this rationally...
He's active duty, right? That would qualify him as being a military guy...That automatically means he'll be gone for half the year...
You ever try to have a relationship with someone that is not physically there? You like the idea of long term relationships? Do you also like the idea that this person could also not come home or come home to you mangled by an RPG?
I didn't think so...And at the same token, I would NEVER want to put someone through that kind of agony and anxiety...This is why I left all my relationships in the military to extremely casual with communicating the fact that this will never become serious while I'm in...Every time a car pulls up with a man in uniform, she will never know if it's a flag...
Are you ready for that? Are you willing to deal with that kind of relationship stress? In my experience, not many women can deal with that kind of pressure and stay faithful...Here's why...
Say you get married...He moves you out of your podunk town where you have never been outside of your state other than that time you went to Disneyland...Your husband (whom all you have in common with is that fact that you're young and like aggressive fucking) is gone for 6 months...You will be surrounded by a camp of bitter military wives, military kids that get away with murder and virile young men that are molded the same way your husband is...Same uniform, same cocky attitude and the fact that he is physically there with a boner...
Most military wives do not last long if they have any shred of social skills...They dominate their new world with sex and vengence...They get mad at their husbands/boyfriends for putting them in the situation they are in and fuck anything around them while they are gone...
The only benefits I've seen from marrying a military guy or being involved with one is the intense makeup sex that occurs when he gets back...That and benefits...
Of course he's gonna turn the charm on...He wants booty and he's on the clock...He's going on deployment and wants a vagina to come home to...Mind you he will learn how to bargain with hookers in 5 different languages and get STD checked at every port...
But you won't care! He's home!
HAHAHA...Good luck...
If you think I'm cynical, you would be correct...I've seen this shit over and over and over and over again with my own eyes...Granted not ALL relationships take this path, but I will say that in my experience with military relationships, 85% of them do...
@Wait_by_Moonlight@xanga - HAHAHAHA...That's what I told my girlfriend when I left for Nuke School too...
You weren't kidding when you said you dated assholes like me...
i can totally relate you know, im 18 and i think a little too young to have a long distance relationship. ;/ but oh well, my boyfriend and i are definitely getting through it and all. he's going to come over and stay for his whole christmas leave here in CA which i think is really sweet. of course im still worried about the things to happen when he gets done with A school. ;/ srsly, i am having doubts about us just thinking about him leaving for months and months after A school. but i still think it's worth the try. if its not going to work out, then there's always the chance of us getting back together after the navy, 4? 5 years from now? if we really love each other then i guess he's going to be worth the wait.
@whatyourBFreallythinks@xanga - i like this post, thanks :) i'll def keep this in mind.
@italktotrees@xanga - :) have fun with your military guy, im sure ill have fun with my man too :DD yeaah.
@whatyourBFreallythinks@xanga - LOL in a horrible way
i'm going to have to agree with you
my grandfather, my dad and one of my ex boyfriends were in the military. it's...interesting what happens with men the military (and the women involved in their lives). i'm dating a geologist now. the very low risk of death/maiming with any job he might get is very appealing ;)
@hopelessromantic - Little harsh, don't you think?
For a minute there I thought you were telling my life story. My junior year I dated a guy who I got very close to. He was going into the Army in July after he graduated. He gave me an engagement ring and he wanted to get married after I graduated the following year. I hesitated I thought it was too soon and then he cheated on me, right before he left. So he instead of telling me what he did he stopped all contact. I soon met another guy and after dating him for a month he signed up for the Navy. We kept in contact and he proposed in Febuary when I went down to Goose Creek, South Carolina to visit him. We got married in late May. We seemed so happy together until the pressures of his friends started coming between us. They wanted our house to be a party house and then when I started getting angry and saying no, they told him he needed to put me in my place. He began staying out all night and partying with them. In South Carolina there was an endless number of nasty girls just wanting to hook up with military men. One actually came up to us at a party saying I'm sure your wife wouldn't mind if I went with you to a strip club. I didn't like him going to these places and even though other wives went, I wouldn't. Well 2 months later our marriage was over because he cheated on me with her. I vowed never to date a military guy again. Funny thing is I'm engaged to an Air Force man now. He is stationed in my home town and we will have dated 2 years before we marry. I have put this guy through the wringer because I was scared he was like all military men from my past. He ended up paying for what others did in the past, but he helped me get over my insecuriites and now I really am starting to feel great about our future. I don't think it's the branch that matters, I think it's the man that matters. Some get pulled into things they would not normally do, Some are a lot stronger than others.
My best friend is in the military.
My friend that's like a brother came back from Iraq.
I must say, i was thinking about this topic a couple of days ago..How strange. It comes up in this topic O_o. I'ma say something. Either if you have enough patience and feelings for him that much, would go for it. Otherwise, don't. You're gonna be hurt. It's like the guy is in prison but rather, a camp for a good cause..To serve his country . Lols.