Dr. DatingishI recently did something horrible (think cheating, but a bit worse) to my SO, and now he won't forgive me. What should I do to make it up to him to show him that I am really, really sorry? We've been together for a while and I really do believe he's the one. I've tried many things, but nothing seems to work. He said he wants me to do something in action that will show him that I truly am sorry and am willing to make it up to him.
I have absolutely no idea what that means.
He said I have to do something that is not given, and something that I haven't done when we're together. But I think I've done a lot already. Any suggestions besides getting him apology cards and gifts?
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Comments (120)
@BlackSunshine7@xanga - Well if she wasn't happy with him in the first place, then she's being a bit inconsistent in that she feels so bad for doing it and is trying to regain his trust, no? And I don't think she meant "the one" like that--she actually states that she believes he is "the one" in the sense of like, soulmate.
Again, I don't know that there is anything she can do to regain his trust after such a breach...sorry...
Cheating is indeed a horrible thing, and I can understand your BF's pain from it. But I'm curious as to why your BF hasn't broken up with you by now. It's hard for me to describe, but in my opinion I think it's somewhat wrong for him to tell you how you can be forgiven. It's almost along the lines of blackmail, to me. A lot of the people above me have said "If you really love him you wouldn't have cheated," but if he really loves you, wouldn't he forgive you?
I'm not saying either of you are more "wrong" than the other. Clearly you did something very, very wrong, and for that your punishment is having to earn his trust back. But trust and forgiveness are two different things. He can not [completely] trust you even after you've apologized. But, assuming that your apologies have TRULY come from the heart, he shouldn't need any more than that. Apologizing shouldn't be some kind of guessing game.
What he seems to want from you, I can't really think of anything but bad things. Two wrongs certainly don't make a right, but perhaps it's something simple he wants that you've just overlooked.
what is worse than cheating?
Not given like a gift? maybe space and time.....Tell him to come meet you for coffee or his favorite drink. BUY his drink and sit down and tell him :
1) I can tell you anything/everything that happened the whole truth and nothing but and then answer all and any of your questions and concerns and answer them right away with honesty and sincereity even if it may result in you walking out that door and never seeing you again;
or
you can answer anything/everything.
or
you leave the conversation up to him.
and if you did cheat there is no good reason and nothing he did or didnot do that caused it but yourself
Hmm..how bout putting yourself in his shoes and think of what kind of actions you would want to be shown to you to get your trust back.
I understand people make mistakes. If you are truly sorry, and you are willing to change, I believe it can happen especially if you love someone.I am with this guy right now, and we definitely had our ups and downs with all that cheating stuff. We worked things out by talking things out and being honest with each other.
Trust definitely doesn't come easy, but if you work at it and you sincerely want to be with that person and if that person truly wants to be with you, it'll work out.
Time, patience, HONESTY, love, commitment...all that jazz is a must.
I do have hope for you though. Don't give up if you really love him. But sometimes maybe some time apart may be a good thing.
You may have done everything (you can say you're sorry till you're blue in the face, you can shower him with gifts, etc), but now it's up to HIM to forgive you, and likely nothing material like cards or gifts will facilitate that. Only time...
Forgiveness takes time; there's nothing instantaneous you can do to make him forgive you. But there are things you can do that can help it - for instance, stop all contact with the person you cheated; tell your SO that you're going to give him space; tell your SO that you know it will take time to forgive you, if he ever does...; make a plan and tell him about how you plan to change so you never cheat on him again...
"He said he wants me to do something in action that will show him that I truly am sorry and am willing to make it up to him. I have absolutely no idea what that means." And rightly so - you're not a mind reader, and if there was just that "ONE THING" to make him forgive you, trust me, there would be a lot less hurt people in this world.
His unreasonable (although understandable) demand is coming from his emotions of being lost, hurt, upset, angry, humiliated, etc. and thus he's asking for the impossible.
Logically, if he can't forgive you, you guys should just break up. Yes, you did wrong, and yes he was the person hurt by your actions, but there's only so much pain you should endure. Don't do any huge actions that YOU might regret - like buying him really expensive property or proposing to him - because they probably won't work, and they will serve to make you feel even worse if he asks for more. Honestly, the best thing to do may be to break up with him - that may be the best move for HIM as well as you. Imagine the pain he is going through!
@KasumiCelesta@xanga - He's still with her for one of two reasons (or both): 1) he loves her and wants to stay with her; or 2) he despises her and wants her to make him feel better by making it up to him; OR...door #3: he's scared of leaving b/c he thinks there's nothing out there for him.
I would say that only the first reason is worthy of staying together as a couple. If he hates her or is scared of leaving her, she should break up with him. I agree that she did wrong, but if she's truly sorry she shouldn't have to suffer for the rest of the days for this! I, of all people, despise people who cheat, but I have met reformed cheaters, so I know that (although rare) people can change.
Bang-on assessment about the blackmail, btw.
@CarlyMarx@xanga - Nope, you were brutally correct. :)
You can show your BF that you're sorry for cheating by not cheating on your next BF.
You murdered your relationship, and like people, relationships rarely rise from the dead.
In the crazy event that he can forgive you, it will be for one of two reasons:
Either he wants to use your mistake to get what he can out of you (which will hurt you both), or he understands love and grace in a way that few do. Understand that if you do continue, don't count on having any other close guy friends at any point in the future of this relationship. It's incredibly rare that any relationship is worth the amount of sacrifice it will take to keep you together.
@Nicola_Six@xanga - Definitely agreed. Not ALL cheaters are cheaters for life, and people can indeed change. I definitely understand there being a reason of why he would still be with her, it's just that I never really thought a guy would actually openly say something like, "I want you to do a certain thing to show that you're sorry." People express themselves differently, so depending on what someone wants, the other person may really not understand.
I also agree with your other point--forgiveness does not come quickly at all, and that's perfectly fine. A person who really hurt me emotionally somewhat recently seemed to have this idea that we could just shove our past aside and start over right away, but I just couldn't do that; I needed some time away from him so that I could recover in order to forgive him wholeheartedly.
If anything, perhaps not necessarily a breakup, but maybe a break is needed. Searching tirelessly for ways to apologize, and expecting a boyfriend/girlfriend to "prove themselves" to the other person doesn't really fix things. I suspect that, even if the OP figured out what her BF wanted (or what he thinks he wants), he'll still be hurting inside, and he still might not be ready to forgive. What then? I think time away from each other will give both of them the chance to think more clearly.
@KasumiCelesta@xanga - Totally agree about the time away vs. breaking up. Although the time away would have to be a strict no-talking policy (otherwise there's no point in calling it "time away"). Both OP and her partner seem to be in a very emotionally unstable place right now, and probably time away would get them to figure out if they still want to be together.
Forgiveness is a tricky thing - it's something we crave right away, but it can't be granted right away. I hope it worked out for you!
everyone here has said enough, and i wasnt going to comment til i saw someone saying 'unless he wants sex-then go for it' uhh dont do that. Unless YOU want it too, of course. But, sex wont heal the rift caused by breaking his trust. And you dont want to be pressured into anything YOU'RE not comfortable with-or you'll end up hating him/resenting him yourself.
Yea you screwed up, but dont think you have to give anything up of yourself to 'fix things'. Some things cant be fixed.
(im curious too-whats worse than cheating? or did you cheat but serially???)
ps all you CAN do is show, consistently, that you will never do anything like that again. it will take a looong time, maybe never, for him to believe you. stop saying 'sorry' and just be consistent in your actions. my ex said almost the exact same words to me-although i didnt cheat, but i did lie about something-and it is a very ambiguous request. Because, HE doesnt even know what he wants from you-all there is in your power to do is be consistent in your actions. There is no 'magic thing' for you to do that will make it better. Tell him this also...i got so frustrated with mine i finally said 'there IS nothing i can do, in the end you have to trust me or the realtionship is over anyway' and its true..he realised that too..later the relationship ended-but i did it. and for other reasons, so dont think there is no hope. (just a very, very, very slight hope)
good luck i guess
Cheating is a very hard thing to forgive. But since he's still talking to you and giving you advices on how to win him back, I think deep inside, he still wants to make it work with you. He just needs you to prove to him that you really love him and that he can trust you again. When you truly love someone, you don't have to necessarily be with them, as long as you know they're happy and alive then that's good enough. You should ask yourself if your presence in his life again will make his life better or even more miserable. Because if he really can't trust you anymore then getting back with you would be a big mistake.
I think these things take time. He cannot forgive you right away because the pain is still there. Just tell him all you need to say, do what you need to do to show him how much you love him, and leave him be because the rest is up to him. Give him space to think, don't expect that he will be able to forgive you right away. With this situation, sometimes the person will eventually be forgiven in a matter of time, you just lose that person as your partner. And you have to be prepared if he tells you that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend anymore. Personally, I wouldn't be able to take it if my boyfriend cheated on me. By then, he lost all of my trust. But everyone is different.
If you buy an egg, and drop it from a 10 story building, its gonna break. You can try and put it back together, but it will take a really long time before it resembles an egg again. Even then, it will not look exactly the same, and it will almost definitely be missing some of its white and some of its yolk. If that's okay with you, great! If not you might be better off buying another egg.
@mere_jaan@xanga - it is. but i say moveon.com because 1. i have nothing to do with michael moore and 2. it rhymes and gets the point across. like "get over it. moveon.com" :)
@sweet_sianara@xanga - either way type in moveon.com and it automatically redirects to moveon.org. I knew you were just trying to get the point across, but I was just trying to be a smartass. ;)
@mere_jaan@xanga - haha thanksss
@forsaken_ficus@xanga - Your analogy was perfect!
@shine_h - "My take is that he doesn't really want to forgive you...but can't outright tell you to move on just yet. Most likely, he'll hang around until he gets fed up and moves on."
yep. that's pretty much how my current boyfriend ended up with me. she fucked up, lost all his respect and trust, and eventually he realized he could be with someone better.
i say,
dont give up on him,
dont give up on something you believe will once come true<3
i kind of fkd too,
and still showing him my best and waiting for him cause i know were gonna get back together if he says yu need to show him something yu dint do while ya'll were togther then keep showing him, dont give up if yu believe hes the one,