Dr. DatingishI recently did something horrible (think cheating, but a bit worse) to my SO, and now he won't forgive me. What should I do to make it up to him to show him that I am really, really sorry? We've been together for a while and I really do believe he's the one. I've tried many things, but nothing seems to work. He said he wants me to do something in action that will show him that I truly am sorry and am willing to make it up to him.
I have absolutely no idea what that means.
He said I have to do something that is not given, and something that I haven't done when we're together. But I think I've done a lot already. Any suggestions besides getting him apology cards and gifts?
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Comments (120)
So far people have been really harsh. Obviously this isn't without warrant, but I want to give you a little hope. First, you must realize that everything people are saying about trust is true. Second several people mentioned that there isn't much that you can do, this is true to.
However, be encouraged in the fact that you still have him for however long it lasts. Cherish that time and don't take it for waste it. Also have a little faith in him. Trust is hard to rebuild, but if you don't have faith in his ability to trust you again then you are defeating yourself. The fact of the matter is that he might have felt the same way about you before whatever happened. Now, he has to face reality and realize that the person he trusted has violated it. If he wants to believe in your relationship again, you need to believe in it now. I might not have a lot of experience with this, but I do believe in the good in people and I believe now is the time for you to believe in him.
We've been together for a while and I really do believe he's the one.
Then how could you cheat in the first place?
This relationship is pretty much over. You broke the one thing that is essential in a loving relationship. Trust.
Coming from someone who has been cheated on, it really sucks. And just like pretty much what everyone else said, the TRUST IS GONE. That's something that's really hard to get back, that is---if you're even able to.
Cheating, I think, is the most ridiculous thing you can do to your so-called "other half". Call me stupid, but after having gone through what my boyfriend put me through (he cheated twice, lied to me about it, and after I caught him, he kept lying about it. He even lied about lying.), I still took him back. I had reminded him that IT WILL take me a while to get the idea wrapped around in my head, that he cheated. That it will take even longer for me to forgive him. Also, I most definitely reassured him that I WILL NOT be able to forget.
He knows that I still doubt him sometimes and I nearly gave up on us a few times after his cheating incident. To which he said, "So just like that?? You're gonna throw us all away??" Which I replied to with, "After you cheated, there never really was an 'us' to begin with!! You didn't just throw 'us' away, you threw away what we had."
If you're willing to make this work like you say you are, give him some time. A lot of it.Show him that you have changed, and don't try to buy his trust back. That's, like, one of the biggest slaps in the face you could do. But after a while, if you feel that the relationship is going nowhere and that you're not making any progress, just drop it. You're wasting both of your times.
Just hang in there.
@Falling_up1987@xanga - awww that's really nice of you [no sarcasm] =]
you fucked up. good job.
you're lucky he still talks to you, but you should know that you probably don't deserve it either. think about if he did the same to you. would cards and gifts make you forgive him?
I also agree, you did f-up. Somethings cannot be repaired due to extreme internal damage. The trust is gone and he will always wonder if you're cheating on him.
The best thing you can do at this point is to just be yourself and be faithful. It really doesn't help much to apologize or to lament over stuff, because as you said, you've done this already and there's really not much else you can do. To be honest, when he gives you a "glimmer of hope" insofar as telling you that maybe there's something you can do to make it up to him, I think he is just being polite to you. I don't think there is anything that you can give him that would make things whole. Your best bet is to just give him the space he needs and hope he takes you back on his will, because I don't think there is anything you can do at this point to make it up to him.
Also, as others have inquired -- what is "worse" than cheating? I'm almost afraid to ask, but curiosity has gotten the better of me.
eh? .. can i just say... when he says action... you gotta show him hes the only one on ur mind.. haha! no one but him!!! Go do something for him that he can never forget... somethign that he will always remember and won't ever slip his mind! haha.. just do that and get him back and don't ever do it again
You fucked up. Game is kind of over.
And really, how much do you have to prove to this guy? Carve his name into your chest with a switchblade?He sounds insecure. No wonder you did something worse than cheating.My take is that he doesn't really want to forgive you...but can't outright tell you to move on just yet. Most likely, he'll hang around until he gets fed up and moves on. I don't really think it takes you to do anything, because I've been in his position...twice...and the girl I really wanted to be with, I forgave w/o her having to do anything, but that could just be me...
If he wants something special, that is something that I can't help with because I don't know him. Something that we suggest will probably not be as special as something you'll think up.
He's not the one.. if he was you wouldn't of done that. Im sorry i just don't think you can ever justify cheating.. even if they did it to you first.. why stoop to their level.
If i were him i would of ended it with you.
All you can do is pray.
and for heaven sake don't do it again.
You just have to rebuild your trust.
It is unlikely that you can earn his trust back. However, if he wants to be with you and give you a chance to prove yourself, it's worth a try.
If I were in that situation I would make a very public show of my devotion to him. Cheating usually translates to "I didn't tell someone I was taken," or "We didn't care that I was taken." So if you start mentioning him a lot (as weird as that sounds) he may, in time, start to believe that you put him first and won't be dishonest anymore.
It all depends on the situation, though. And, honestly, if you thought he was The One, why on earth did you choose The Other One? Sorry, but it has to be asked.It could mean having a chat with the other person and telling him/her that you regret what you did and you never want it to happen again.
Its usually over... i say let him go and see if he comes back to ya... thats when u know wassups.
It's hard to earn that trust back, and it can be an uphill battle because it can take a long, long time for him to believe what you are saying, but if you are genuine in your apology and truly did just have a terrible lapse in judgment, it is worth it to try and salvage your love lost. The fact that he is speaking to you is reason enough to give you hope to not give up on him. The only way to show him through your actions is to be faithful over time and emphasize how sorry you are and how badly you screwed up; that while you know he deserves better treatment than that you are going to try your darnest to prove to him it will not ever happen again (and MEAN it if you say it). As for doing something you never did.. I'm not sure what he means by that... did you never tell him "I love you" or not do something for him in bed? I really have no idea, but now is the time to explore showing him all the ways you can (read emotionally, physically, verbally) just how much you love him and that he is secure is slowly trusting you again. Good luck!
I've been in your spot. And it sucks. A lot. It may have just been a mistake, a one time thing, you weren't thinking... But you did it and now he knows. And right now i know that you feel like you dont ever what to lose him. But think about it. really really think about it.
There must be something off, something that is bugging YOU that caused you to slip. I've found that when i've cheated, it was because i no longer felt anything for the guy that i was with. little things will start to bug me about him, etc etc. I felt guilty and i felt like maybe he was the one and i had just made the hugest mistake. But it wasn't so. In the end i realized that i didn't really love him as much as I thought i did.
Think about it. You will NOT want to live with what is going to happen next. he isn't going to trust you, hes going to question everything you do, say, how you act, your expressions, the way you look at people, who you hang out with. And even if he tells you that he forgives you, if you BOTH agree to work things out and try again and put the past behind you, he will bring it up and use it against you.
If you are sincere and really do love him... it will rip you to shreds. Because you will think that you deserve to be miserable and that he has every right to treat you like shit but he doesnt. Not if you've both agreed to give it another go. Every one makes mistakes and it does NOT entitle him to abuse you in any way shape or form, or to degrade you.
Think carefully, and make sure you make the best decision for you. Good luck.
babii girl there's no way to go back and change anything that has already been done. You have two choices:
1. forgive yourself
2. if he doesn't forgive you, there's no way it will work between you two.
I wouldn't say it's a waste of time per se, but truly he'll end up doing what you did (out of resentment) or worst, make you feel like you owe him. Perhaps some time apart (it will be hard) but I think that you need to figure out what YOU need to do for YOURSELF.
YOur actions "cheating" shows that perhaps there's something missing in your relationship....
give it some thought...seriously. or you will end up more hurt when things don't work out the way you want it to....
There's basically nothing you can 'do'.
Broken trust sucks. I don't think I'd even keep trying if I were you. If you could do that to someone you thought was 'the one' though, I'd hate to see what you do to someone who you think might not be.
You are gonna have to show him this is something you really REALLY want, and the only way to do that is to be faithful for a LONG amount of time. Build that trust back up, show him you 'love' him, and you don't 'lust' him.
In the end it might not even work, but if you really love him it would be better to try your hardest and lose than to give up and never know.
Hope you get what you're looking for someday.
We both know that aint going to happen and neither is this relationship.
you fucked up and the fact that he wants you do something big, is just an excuse to never forgive and make you feel even more guilt.
just leave him alone.
you are lucky he even talked to you.
xo
If you cheated, then he's better off finding someone who won't. No matter how much you say your sorry, you still did it and cheating is ONE thing I could never forgive.
What were you thinking then you did it ?
@monikasiauw@xanga - It's just one of those things where you decide to give them another chance and trust again. It's really up to you to want to trust or not and not so much what they can do. Sure you can put them on lock down and have them check in every 15 mins, but is that what you really want your relationship to be like?
If I ever got my HER (Read my blog to understand) I would forgive her for cheating on me. I would tell her that it hurts and I'm sad, but I don't think I could not forgive her. As hard as I try, I wouldn't be able to hold a grudge. I guess I'm just a forgiving guy.
I hope he's like me.
I'm sorry honey but an apology card is already a bad idea. if you can't apologize on your own, with your own thoughts and have to resort to a generic 2 dollar card to apologize to "the love of your life"
thats just beyond pathetic.
and like everyone else has said, fucked up.
people make mistakes, let it be a lesson learned.
if he was really that important to you:
1. this wouldnt have happened. If theyre your SO you only have eyes for them and if you dont maybe you dont need a label for your relationships.
2. an apology is not just "im sorry" saying Im sorry is a weak answer for the details and heart youre not putting in there.
a tip though, what he means unless I give people too much credit is something that can only come from you. Proof of the undeniable love you claim to have. Its up to you to figure out how to display your sincerity to him.
as pissed off as I am I wish you luck. just make sure to learn from this.
Then DON'T. So you don't have to think about this question.
All these people who are saying it can't be worked through are WRONG. But it depends on both people involved; if one of them doesn't feel the same anymore after cheating has taken place, it doesn't matter what the other person does, it's a lost cause.
But it can be saved.
When my boyfriend (now HUSBAND) and I were dating, we were going through a very rough patch and this guy at work was very nice to me, and I ended up cheating on my boyfriend. I told him what happened and that I was sorry, but we broke up for six months anyway. During that time though, I made sure to let him know it was a mistake, and that it was one of the worst things I had ever done in my life, and that I completely regretted it, and that I hoped to one day earn his trust back. We stayed friends, and still hung out, and eventually, I DID earn his trust back.
Two years later, we were married.
That incident in our lives is in the past. It doesn't bother him anymore; he's told me he's let it go, he forgives me, and he's happy to be spending his life with me, for those of you who think he's hiding his unhappiness from me. We have a wonderful relationship and marriage.
It can be done. You just have to prove it to your boyfriend. Time heals everything.