This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.About a year ago, I got out of an abusive relationship of four years. During this time, I had a good female friend that was there for me through it all. Recently she's decided to leave her abusive man, claiming that I gave her courage to leave. So I am thinking... great, I am so glad that I can inspire another woman to leave an abuser! This is how it began.....
I recently started dating a high school classmate of mine - he's a man I've known for eleven years. We found out that we'd both had a crush on each other back then, but neither one of us knew it. Sounds like a movie or fairytale, doesn't it? Well, this guy is great! I love him already. That being said, we both have a pretty healthy appetite for sex and always are willing to try new things. We agreed to have a threesome - with rules, of course. This is when it all goes haywire.
Most of you are probably saying, "Well, duh!" Yeah, yeah, I know.
Anyway...so this friend of mine comes down to my house for the weekend after leaving her boyfriend and says she wants to get drunk and party. We all had quite a bit to drink and she, my boyfriend and I ended up in bed together. I wasn't too keen on the idea but I figured,
well, she's my best friend; this should be all right. The next night she wanted more and I felt sorry for her (dumb, I know) and I allowed things to continue a second night.
Then things got really uncomfortable because I was cuddling with him while we were watching TV and she started cuddling with him too. I pulled her aside and told her that I did not want this to continue anymore and that I wanted her to back off. She said, "I didn't want to either; I thought that you wanted to, so that's the only reason I gave in." YEAH RIGHT! Anyway, she went back home and my boyfriend and I have been doing fine.
I have since found out that he calls her and talks to her on the phone when I am not around. He says it's because he's just checking on her to make sure that she is okay because...guess what? She went back to her boyfriend!
I have asked him not to call her anymore because I don't like the secretive crap, and she told one of our mutual friends that she has feelings for him. He said that he wouldn't call her anymore, but I found out tonight that he still is talking to her. Now, I know that he's not cheating on me because they are 140 miles apart and he's with me every night. There is no way he could get to her and vice versa - neither of them has a car. But I am not really sure what to do. My boyfriend doesn't like jealous people, but I don't like this, either. I don't want to fight about it - I just don't want the two of them talking anymore. I don't trust her.
What's my next move? Do I get pissed and stop being nice about it? Do I scream at him? Her? I'm not really sure what the right, rational thing to do is. I don't want to turn into one of those chicks that tells her man what to do, but I really don't like this situation at all. I know that threesomes aren't a good idea with friends, which is why I'm kicking myself in the ass for even doing it, but shouldn't she have enough courtesy to back off MY man? Shouldn't he be respectful of the fact that it makes me uncomfortable and stop calling her? How do I handle this in a mature manner - not like in high school when it's all yelling and screaming?
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Comments (112)
Dump both their asses. She's a conniving "friend" and he's not respecting you. It won't be a good situation if it continues since neither one of them has responded in a respectful way after you talked to them.
I would recommend just breaking it off with both of them. He doesn't seem to respect you very much and she doesn't either.
... I'm with both the people above me. These both look like bad relationships to be in. Neither of them seem to respect you.
look..the way i see it, your friends not being a good friend, and your boyfriends not being a good boyfriend. if he won't stop talking to her obviously he likes the attention. or is also attracted to her. even if they are physically not cheating...hon'...he's cheating!!! he does it behind your back fully aware of her feelings, and there not talking about puppies and candy. so just dump that boyfriend, and say fuck off to your friend. she seems like a clingy bitch. lol. and your not jelous!! what he's doing is fucked up shit!
Unfortunately, you brought this whole problem on yourself. You can be mature and talk to your boyfriend in a calm manner about how it makes you feel. If he truly loves you, he should respect your feelings. As for your "best friend," if he is the one calling her, she can't really do anything about that. This is really an issue you need to discuss with you boyfriend. If he is not willing to stop his communications with her, that may be a dealbreaker, especially if you are constantly thinking and worrying about who he's talking to. Sometimes, the emotional connection that two people have is worse than any physical activity that may have happened.
@LadyAsianInvasion@xanga - Completely agree, but I'll emphasize more on her "best friend" being a fucking bitch and her "boyfriend" being a motherfucker!
Dump him for a man that has a car.
@Girl_Without_Pity@xanga - well said.
@nappz5678@xanga - the best advice yet!
yeah i have to agree with the ppl who said u brought the problem onto urself. the idea of a threesome is enticing but being a couple is sposed to be sacred...once someone else comes into the picture, u risk that either you or ur significant other will end up WANTING the other person. now all bets are off and im not sure ur relationship will ever be the same again. guys equate physical with love...soo now that hes gotten a 'taste' of her it looks like he may want her as much as she wants him, even if he is not able to be there physically with her. this whole situation just sucks.
dumb. i couldn't share the man that i love with anyone else.
I can't help but agree with everyone else.
There's no use repeating it at this point.
@nappz5678@xanga - LOL! Your comment reminds me of "No Scrubs"
I agree with the general consensus - dump them both.
dump them both if they can't respect you, I had this same problem with my gf, even though it's not physical cheating its still secretive emotional cheating however she finally realized and respected me enough to stop talking to that guy if your bf can't do that for you then yeah just get rid of him cause deep down he has to care about you and what you want enough to just man up and push aside someone who really shouldn't matter that much. everytime my gf's complained even the slightest bit about someone i get the hint and i respect her wishes. it has to be a mutual understanding if he thinks different and just refuses to stop talking to ur friend then it's not going to work out anyways cause then what if there are other girls in the future etc. etc. love is a sacred bond, even as a guy i know how enticing a 3-some sounds but i know that it's the death road. i'm sorry you went down that road T_T
She's your best friend and you don't trust her?
What the hell man.Your boyfriend is obviously trying to be a nice guy. Honestly if you give him a hard time about it chances are he's gonna dump you thinking you're an overly jealous psycho. So yeah, there's nothing to worry about, lady. Just accept the fact that he's friends with your friend too.
It seems like I'm the only one to think that the writer is the one with the problems haha
Your boyfriend should respect your feelings, and you shouldn't have to tell him twice. He might not think the phone calls mean anything more than being a good friend, but it's still not respectful. If he's really worried, maybe you could suggest that you'll check up on her instead.Â
Ask both of them again to stop their relationship because it is just not cool for her to harbor feelings for your boyfriend and for him to think it is okay to disrespect your feelings about it. If it continues you need to let them both go. Even if this is "jealousy" it is not unfounded since it can lead to something. Sometimes developing an emotional relationship is worst than a physical one.
I would say move on from both and let him have his little cake that's too far away to eat. Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship or friendship on your end.
why not have a heart-to-heart talk w both of them seperately? if it doesn't work out, maybe you're better off without them!
I agree with everyone. Dump them both. Good luck <3
same as everyone--kick both their asses to the curb. and threesome's are just awkward. that was just a weird idea to help her out....
how massively sketchy of them... it's one thing to check up on mutual friends in a bad situation in an upfront way (i.e. "hey have you heard from so-and-so? are they okay? i'm gonna call them and check!"), and another to claim you're checking up on someone when you're caught secretly calling them. =__=
3somes are problematic because they open up an can of worms that most relationships aren't able to withstand... good luck with this, but i doubt he'll stop with her if he's already been calling her behind your back. you can probably figure out what that means...
I think it might be too late now...
normally id say stop being jealous of your bfs friendship with your bff but since they have a sexual past, id say its inapprop! talk to them and if youre still not comfortable/satisfied, leave them
give both of them one final talk and if things don't change, bounce