Miss ZebraMy palms start sweating and I swear he can hear my frantic heartbeat speeding up with each second. "So umm...yeah, I wanted to...yeah... umm..." As I stutter on, he's looking at me with this quizzical, confused expression. "Well, see, I just wanted to clarify that...yeah, that um...our friendship is... well, you know... it's not going to be a....relationship, right?"
ENDING A: He starts laughing and goes "Yeah, it's all cool, wasn't even going there." So we both laugh it off and go about our lives "happily ever after".
ENDING B: He forces a smile: "Sure, yeah, that's fine." But for the rest of the night he's kicking himself for hoping there could be something when obviously now I wasn't interested.
ENDING C: "Well, actually... I was kinda hoping there could be a chance with us. Can we at least give it a shot?" More awkwardness follows.....
That fateful conversation between two friends could break the friendship or make it extremely awkward. But it's necessary. You don't want to be leading the other on, making him think there could be a relationship when there really isn't any chance, right? But how in the world do you clarify that with the awkward situations described above?
Have you ever had one of these types of conversations?
What is the best way to bring up this topic?
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Comments (42)
I've never had that particular conversation before. I've gotten asked out by friends before and I just said no. It kinda went like: "Hey...uh...Kate...d-d-do y-you think we...c-could g-go...out?" "Uh, no. I think we should just be friends."
LOL that's a problem with us women, we OVER analyze things. Why not go with the flow? If he tries to make a move and you're not feeling it, politely apologize and tell him that you dont feel that way. Why bring up a topic when it's uncalled for? It's like talking about "sex". If you're not looking forward to it or expecting it, then dont talk about it. Silence is golden :o)
Avoid the awkwardness, don't befriend anyone who's attracted to you, or vice versa. There's no such thing as a platonic friendship between a straight male and a straight female, sex always gets in the way.
telling a friend you just want to be friends. well..something like that. i was dating a friend and told him in the end i wanted to be friends. i said it up front. i need a friendship from him..not a relationship. and it will hurt if he likes you..but as a good friend..he shouldn't let it affect your frienship. cause what i said didn't affect mine. were still friends till this day. if he gets upset..ignores you..whatever..than he's not a very good friend.
The lack of courage to begin this conversation has gained me many an awkward moment among um...friends?
There isn't an easy way to bring it up, because it will definitely make things awkward. But if you feel like the friend of yours is getting too close or seeing you in a different way it's good to clear things up and tell him you're not interested.
I had that conversation with someone and we kinda had ending B, but I think we're both interested, just stubborn and afraid to mess up our friendship. But given time i guess things will work out.
I've never had that conversation. I normally just hope that they don't think of me like that and hope they never act on it if they do....which causes me some problems when they do. I get asked out. I say no. Then they're confused. Apparently guys think I like them. I guess I'm flirty. Which, okay, maybe I am, a bit. But..I can't help it. I guess I should warn them first. I don't know.
i've had this problem, but with a twist. my best guy friend likes me, and i've liked him since i first met him, but he has a GF (who i'm friends with also) but she doesn't know that i like her BF and visa versa....talk about awkward moments indeed...
It's best to rehearse your speech before hand to come out more clear and less nervous. To bring it up, that's tough. I guess the best way is to sit him down when you have some private time together and just get to it.
@cdedodgethis@xanga - No, there are platonic relationships between a straight man and a straight woman. I have plenty of straight male friends and sex has never gotten between us, neither has any other form like kissing. One has to be respectable of the other.
Oh nelly, I've been allllllll over this question, backwards and forwards, and upside-down. Not only have I had to give the speech, I've had to receive the speech. Sometimes I initiated it, other times he initiated it, and other times we danced around it so much we got dizzy, fell over, and forgot who said what all together.
Really, I don't think there is an easy way, although the least painful for me were online and easily excused because of difference in locations. The worst for me was not dealt with in person, but it was someone I did see a lot. I was terrified I blew our chance at just friendship by admitting interest. But I faced him, and we talked it out enough, and I feel like sooner or later, it needed to be said before the friendship could move on.
Out of all the guys I've been in this situation with, the one that hurt the most is now my best friend. I'm not saying it's easy to pull this off, because that's not true, but I think you just have to ask yourself - is it worth it? Maybe, maybe not; that's up to you, and keep in mind: the sooner it's dealt with, the less you'll/he'll have to get over in case either chooses to walk away.
Also, people appreciate honesty, and full honesty prevents any false hopes of "later."
@cdedodgethis@xanga - I agree that sex always gets in the way - but you *can* get over that, and it's really not so bad. In fact, it can be pretty great, depending on the people involved.
Just always emphasize the fact that you only want to be friends. You don't need to have a discussion over it. Do NOT flirt with the poor dude if you have no interest in him and when he does make a move let him know that you do not see him in that way immediately!
Well, the problem with this kind of conversation is that you never know: what happens if, for some strange reason, you actually do start to like them that way? And you've already said, "Just friends." You can't really go back on that just for your own sake, because you wouldn't want them to go back on it.
And it also makes things awkward because it will then weigh on both your minds...
I say the best thing to do is just see what happens, just go with it and be friends. And if he wants more and you don't want to do that, let him down gently and make sure he knows that you still want to be friends, and you don't want that to ruin it. Having to tell someone that you want nothing more than friendship implies that you think they'll like you... which is fine, but it could come across as arrogant if said the wrong way, I think.
why confront it yourself when they don't have the guts to confront you. you're not the one weirded out by it.. they're probably in a moer confusing situation because they can't event tell you about their true feelings. let them take an action and then be honest.
what i do is casually mention my disinterest in a relationship or mention that i like someone else.. works unless they're super persistent.
My friend and I had to have this conversation once. It continued with Ending B, and an uncomfortable friendship afterwards.
I just asked him if we could talk, and told him how I felt. I don't think I was as tactful as I could have been, but he told me later he appreciated my honesty.
I suppose it's sorta the opposite for me. I like the guy. I just don't know how he feels and I don't want to ruin the friendship by saying anything.
I know exactly how you feel. Im in the same situation with my best friend of all times. We know each other for years, and we've become very close friends. Our parents always hoped we'd get together, but it just never happened.
I know for a fact that i really like him, and a lot of times it seems like he's telling me the same thing by the way he acts. But then again, what if he's just being the good friend he's always been?
I've been trying for a long time now to find a way on how to approach him and tell him about my feelings. Why? Because regardless of the end result, i dont want my feelings eating me away like this anymore. If he's the one for me, then things shall flow... If he's not, then i can put an end to all these feelings, and maybe hope that we can still be friends because he's just so awesome like that.
The point is, you will want an answer sooner or later. But the later it gets, the stronger your feelings will grow. And then, the more you can get hurt....
My plan is to wait until we can both have some time alone for ourselves and tell him the whole truth. Not just that i like him, but that i've liked him for a long time and needed to be honest with him.
Good luck to you!... And wish me luck, too. =o)
This kind of stuff makes me irritated. Girls ALWAYS ASSUME that the guy wants more. Give it a break, don't flatter yourself.
it's called DTR "determining the relationship". heard it all the time when i was in college. surprisingly, most of my friends were mature enough to be civil and remain friends even after determining that the two people weren't going to go any further than just friends. but yeah, that's what it means when someone's pulling a DTR session...i guess.
ughh... just don't even have the conversation. Go with the flow and enjoy whatever direction it takes. LIfe is wayyy tooo short.
It looks like you're going into the talk without any idea of what you want. If you know that you just want to be friends, come out and express that confidently. Don't look for confirmation so immediately. Bringing up the topic in a wishy-washy way only begs a confusing answer.
I know exactly what you mean... right now I am going through something similar... except the other party decides to keep it a mystery as to what they have actually decided... and it's really really awkard right now... because I need closure... and he's just pretending that nothing has happened... when in fact things has changed...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJz1f8hPRGc
I've never had a situation like this that went well. I've noticed that I've stayed away from making real guy friends all together (besides the close few I have) because they usually end up bringing up something like that and I feel terrible afterwards.
I had a guy friend, who I knew had feelings for me. I cared a great deal about him, and there was a time that I thought I could have feelings for him, too. Eventually, after we kind of explored the possibility of a relationship, I discovered that I didn't have strong feelings for him, and I didn't think that I ever would.
So, I told him that. I was honest-even about the part with me never seeing it happen.
He took it really well, we're still friends, but he told me how much he appreciated my honesty. He said it helped him clear his head.
So, if it were me, and I knew I didn't want a relationship, I'd just tell him. I wouldn't question him about wanting one at all, I'd just let him know that I wasn't up for it to begin with, and then hopefully continue our friendship.
i think that sometimes we overanalyze.. i personally would never bring anything up like that UNLESS the friend actually asks me out directly. it would be embarrassing if you thought that he might be interested when he's actually just being friendly. there is no point bringing up something that might not even exist in the first place.