Monday, 01 December 2008
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I Lost A Close Friend and Love - I Need Closure!
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.
I've been friends for about five months with this girl who happens to have a boyfriend. She moved out west from the east coast to be with him for his new job.She's explained to me that she doesn't want to be with him, but doesn't know how to end it because they live together. He is her first boyfriend. She is very shy, very innocent and has a good heart. He is very controlling, is always busy working at a hedge fund and doesn't spend time at home wih her. He tells her what to eat and how she should dress. She told him that she doesn't feel the same way about him anymore and he begged her to say, insisting that he's changed.
Our friendship morphed into a relationship and we realized that we are great for each other because we love each other's imperfections. Even though I wanted to, I never forced her to break up because that needed to be her decision. She's also told me that she loves me so much. A month ago, I told her I couldn't keep seeing her for only an hour every other day because I wanted to be with her all the time.
She cried and said her heart wants to be with me, but she doesn't know why she cant leave this guy. Since that day, she hasn't responded to any of my friendly calls to see how she is doing. I also emailed her a letter stating that I didn't think I would lose her as a friend. The main thing that upsets me is that there was no closure with someone that I considered a great friend.
Not once has a call or email (total of three) been returned. I believe everyone in life needs closure to learn and successfully move along.
The question is...why is she avoiding me, how do i get back in her life and did I do something wrong to a potential love of my life?
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Comments (31)
Thats her way of telling you to move on. Sorry. Sometimes having closure doesn't necessarily mean you need to receive some form of obvious communication (a phone call, a letter, etc). She's giving you the silent closure. Maybe someday, when you least expect it or when she's ready to be your friend again, you'll hear from her. But for now, let her decide what she wants to do with her life and how she wants to continue living it. What's best for you is to move on. When you care for someone, instead of expecting her or telling her what's best for her, is to just support her in whatever way possible and when she "falls" be there to catch her. You guys might not be talking now but it doesn't mean she never cared for you as a friend. Quite possibly, the BF might know about the closeness and is stopping her from contacting you. Take care of yourself first. Cherish the moments you guys did share together, but do not hope or wish for more, that will only prevent you from moving on.
It is very difficult in a situation like this. I agree with eyesochinky. I think that says it best. However I feel the girl was wrong to lead you on like that. If she's in a relationship, she shouldn't be "looking" for something else while in that relationship. Not being happy is no excuse. Regardless if there was nothing physical, she should not have put her emotions in something else while being with someone else. You have to think long and hard about this... is she capable of doing this sort of thing to you (if things were to work out to where you'd be together)? She still loves this guy in some sort of way because she did not leave him. Keep your eyes open. The only closure you will receive is in the form you won't see.
I'm going to go ahead and say that the bf hasn't changed; hes still as controlling as ever and has probably read her emails. She should have broken up with him, it was a bad decision of her not to esp when she is supposedly in love with you and over him. Of course, keep in mind that you've only known her for 5 months. thats really not that long of a time. While it would be nice to get some tangible closure sometimes it doesn't happen. I think its time for you to move on and hopefully she'll start making some good decisions.
@eyesochinky@xanga - you said that very well. I competely agree with you.
Perhaps her controlling boyfriend caught wind and moved in to shut things down on ya.
@eyesochinky@xanga - I also agree.
You asked her to lick between you and him; she picked him. If she us being controlled and she allows it...what makes you think she is going to walk away from him? She is with him, because she loves him, he was her first and sometimes we do crazy thing to try and keep that love alive.
I don't think she wanted your "loving friendship" to be anything more.
Xo
She may have said she loved you and all but im not saying that she lied about it or that she didnt meant it. She could have meant everything she said to you. But the fact is, not everyone follows their hearts. Actions speak louder than words.
you can't force someone to be in your life... she shouldn't be such a big part of yours anyway since she has a bf. just because she says her relationship isnt great doesnt give you the right to be a homewrecker. she'll contact you if/when she's ready.
Well, in the worse case scenario, she's not avoiding you, it's just her boyfriend found out and is controlling her contact with you. Or, beat her. Or murdered her. And of course I'm really going for the worst case scenario haha.
Well, if it's not because of her old boyfriend, right now, she's using this time to think. She has feelings for you, but doesn't know how to let go of her other boyfriend(or well, he doesn't know how to let go) and she's not sure what to do. She doesn't want to e-mail/call you back because she wants to be sure of her answer and her decision. I mean there are people who feel bad if they call you but have no absolute answer and just keep leaving you hanging. Give her a little more time; if there's still no sign from her, I suggest looking for her if you want to know what happen and want a real answer, or if you don't care, just move on.
i dunno....
it doesn't necessarily means she's cut you out. i think there's still a possibility that her controlling bf probably read all her emails and deleted them before she got a chance to read them or something.
but....it could be that she is avoiding you because she probably feels guilty for having some sort of relationship on the side.
just go with the flow
The inexperienced often likes to escape the unknown. Love and feelings often make us make choices that are counter-intuitive. She prob doesn't know how to make the decision, or doesn't want to make the decision so hiding could be her only avenue. If you really do love her and think you 2 could have something great, you could just keep contact, albeit not what you want, but as long as you have some string tethered onto her, there's still a chance in the future. Hopefully she will wise up someday, and realize being controlled is not healthy. Being a bf like that once upon a time, I can tell you that the girl will stay w/ that guy long enough until she can start thinking on her own.
If she's as nice, shy and timid as you say she is, then to me there's no surprise that she's suddenly cut all contact off from you. Either the BF found out, got jealous and "ordered" that she not say anything, or the girl grew up and made a decision.
Not the one you wanted, but a decision none-the-less. Because she was so shy and timid, that may have given the impression that she liked, possibly even loved you - when those thoughts were furtherest from her mind.
Move on. Not every relationship has the benefit of immediate closure. Go out, enjoy life, meet new people... and if she wants to come back into your life, she will. Dont count on it, and dont wait for her in the meantime though. Do that, and you really might have the love of your life pass you by.
there is always the possibility that she just needs time away from you. So that she can figure things out about what she really wants. For now, I would just suggest moving on and when she figures out what she wants, she'll contact you. There's no point in trying to contact her if she doesn't respond. It only makes you seem desperate.
There is SOMETHING that she likes about being in a super-controlling relationship. It's not that she's shy or that she doesn't have the willpower to break up with him, but for a person to stay in something, they are getting something out of it. If she really, REALLY wanted to leave him, she would have. Pick your pride up, realize that she isn't all that you thought she was, and move on. You deserve better than some girl who will string you on. She had a relationship with him and threw you the scraps and you guys called it a "relationship?" She moved with him to be with him. Even if she says she doesn't like it, something about the relationship is gratifying her. She's made her choice, and she's made it clear to you by moving with him and not answering your calls or emails. That is probably going to be the only closure you get, unfortunately. I know you desire more, but she doesn't sound like the kind of girl who will give it to you.
It's time to move on.
@midgetmachine@xanga - agreed. but also...maybe she isn't being allowed to contact you. but if the bf is at work all the time, she certainly has opportunity to contact you. her choice [shrug], move on dear.
@shine_h - "Love and feelings often make us make choices that are counter-intuitive."
Ah, I couldn't have said it better myself. Making choices that are counter-intuitive creates a lot of cognitive dissonance within us--lots of uneasiness so we create justifications of our actions and choices to lessen the tension. I'm in a relationship where I'm experiencing a lot of cognitive dissonance.
To those reading this, sorry I don't mean to steal the spotlight, but yes shine_h I do agree with the rest of your comment.
And to you, I say give her time. If she loves you as much as she says she does, she will eventually come around. In the meantime, be good to yourself.
I tried to get closure, but no matter what, it didn't happen, so I decided to cut off all connections. That seems to work a little better. (In my case anyway)
I had a best boy friend and he and I became very close, intimately close, in fact. The agreement was that we couldnt get attached to each other because he was just leaving a failed marriage and he needed time. But we were there for each other, through each of our difficulties. I met another guy, we dated for 3 months and then he ended it with me. My heart was broke and my best boy friend was there to pick up the pieces like I had been there for him. In about 6 wks, he started calling me his girlfriend and introducing me as such and it weirded me out a bit and yet I was touched by it too. I liked it, in fact and enjoyed the bit of flirtatious affection and attention. I had always liked him and had so much fun with him. We truly had been best friends. I never felt I had to impress him or be perfect or not myself. We were friends. But then... well, I pulled back a bit and so did he. I wasnt sure I wanted to be in a committed relationship. After 3 wks, I missed my best friend so much, all that we did and all the closeness. I went back to him and tried to just have it be the same... yet he had moved on and met someone else. She is 1000 miles away from him and neither can afford to travel to see the other one at this time so they have this long distance online relationship and yet he says how much they love each other. Come on! But still... it has changed our friendship and it can never be the same again. I miss him so very much. I miss my best friend and all that we had together that made us friends. I dont know... I think that when I turned him away from me I hurt him and I think that for 3 weeks I didnt see him or talk to him much that he got over the everyday friendship we had had. He found someone else to take that place in his heart too. I dont know. He says he never was that close to me and yet, why would he call me and introduce me to others as his girlfriend? I dont know... I only know that something changed and I have to accept it. I dont have to like it or be happy about it but I have to accept it. There is one thing that I have to realize and it is that friends change but it doesnt mean that they stop being my friend. Still... I miss what we had. It was fun and it was sweet and it was tender and it was intimate and I will never forget it. Is he still my best friend? Sort of... I mean, I could go to him with a major issue and talk to him about it and pour my heart out to him and he'd be there for me. The same with me for him. It has taken a few weeks for me to adjust to things being different. Yes, I still want it to be the same when we meet up and when we get together... but it wont and it cant. That part of our friendship is over. Still, I like to think that he cared about me more than he will admit. I know he did and I cared back for him too. It doesnt really matter what he will or won't admit to me. The only thing that matters is that I will cherish the memories and I will hold on to the friendship that we have. It is true, what someone else wrote... sometimes we have to let go of that which is so close to us because in doing so... we realize what we really had. I must let him experience life on his terms and in his way and be here for him when and if he needs me. We will always be close and some day... I think that we will have that deep heart to heart talk and he will share his honest feelings and so will I. One day, but not today... yet... I have the memories and the how I felt and what I felt and I know that when I find another man I am interested in... I will hope to feel those same feelings and I will hope that he becomes my best friend too. One day... I hope to fall in love with a new very best boy friend. Good luck... dont move on... just let go and let your heart heal and relish what you had and just be there... just be there. You were friends first and foremost and sometimes... it takes leaving to eventually get back to where you really wanted to be in the first place... if not... then just be patient... your hearts desire is waiting out there for you.
a friend with a best friend and a empty, lonely heart too. *
Boyfriends are not husbands, this girl can walk out anytime she chooses, she has chosen not to leave him and she knows exactly why. I can't say how deep her "love" for you went, but it was not deep enough. This girl is trouble because she is disrespecting you and herself. You're getting the silent treatment, move on and find someone who deserves your affections.
i guess its not deep enough...u might want to give it a few weeks to see how it goes and decide.
If you really want closure, go to her. Straight up ask her and take it from there.
two things that might sound harsh right now but hopefully will one day make sense to you:
1) if she wanted to be with you, she would be with you. there's a reason she's not.
2) closure is a luxury. if you get it (and this applies to more than just this), consider yourself lucky. if you dont, dont wait around for it.
believe me when i say that both come from personal experience.
I think she's attached to her boyfriend just because he is her first. She doesn't know any other boyfriend experiences, thus leaving her confused and not knowing what to do. I think she's afraid of being "alone" as well, like seeing you as a potential possibility for a better relationship. She knows what she wants, but I fear that she's digger herself a deeper hole being with the controlling boyfriend.
I have a female friend who went through the same thing, except she would end up beaten or bruised all the time. She tried to leave him on multiple occasions, but he would somehow convince her to stay with him. This lasted for about a year and a half I think. Her mom and her friends got involved as well and tried to save her, but she just kept crawling back to him. I'm happy she's not with that douche anymore.
As for you, I think you should move on. She seems like she wants to fix
things on her own by giving you the silent "closure" although I think
she'll come back to you at some point and complain about the same thing. I suppose you could be a really good friend to try to help her out of her current relationship, but I'm not sure how. Maybe she'll learn on her own :(
@eyesochinky@xanga - I agree with what you said.
But I also understand the writer. Silent closure is not the best type of closure, some people just need it in some physical or seen form. I was actually in a relationship like that in the past. As for me I chose to give up and not make it hard for her to make a choice.
Also I think there's 2 ways to interpret what she's doing. Either 1. she's taking time to think to herself or 2. it is what eyesochinky said.
Whatever it is, prepare yourself ;)