Sunday, 30 November 2008
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Dear Dr. Datingish: My Ex-BF Is Crushing on My Best Friend
Dr. DatingishMy first serious boyfriend broke up with me about a month and a half ago. I'm over him, but I'm still hurt by what happened. We had a long talk about a month after the split, and he said that he wanted to be able to move on without my being jealous, and I asked that he would tell me first if he liked someone else so I wouldn't have to deal with the embarrasment of hearing about it in school.
Recently, he's told me that he's interested in someone else, which is understandable. But what I can't grasp is why the girl has to be my best friend.
Of all people, he goes for the girl who is so much like me, and to top it off, lives eight hours away. And the real kicker? She's told me she likes him back. Of course she feels terrible, and that at any moment, I can tell her that I'm not okay with it, and she will end it.
But there's no way I could ever do that to her, even though the thought of them together makes me want to be sick. She knows everything that he did to me, and even freaked out on him when we broke up. She's even told me that while we were dating, he'd apparently always had her in the back of his mind. I just don't understand how she can think this is all right. I've told them both that it's fine, but I have no idea how I will handle seeing them together when she visits.
Will I ever be okay with this? Should I tell her I'm not at all comfortable with this, or just wait it out?
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Comments (83)
First of all, shit happens.
Guys come and go and they are easy as hell to replace.
Took me a minute to realize that one.
But if he's going after your best friend that is bullshit.
R-I-D-I-C-U-L-O-U-S
And if she really is your best friend she would have enough respect for you and your relationship that you had with him to not date him.
IF she can't respect those boundaries then that isn't a friend at all.
ah. I had a serious boyfriend in my senior year of highschool. We ended the relationship after a year and a half.
While the break up was mutual I was still obviously torn over it. and to make it worse, he got together with one of my friends 2 days later.
and she has the balls to actually message me and tell me I should be happy for them instead of angry.
Sorry, but while I can understand that being angry might be immature, I refuse to be happy for them.
He has scarred me for who knows how long and I havent had a relationship since. I've slept with other guys but Im afraid of getting into a relationship because I dont think Im good enough.
My advice is get everything straight. If you honest to god dont feel comfortable with your friend dating your ex then tell her. Dont tell her she has to cut him off, but maybe she'll be nice and give you some real time to recover. A month really is only the minimum.
agreeing with above. i have two best friends who dated the same guy.
first girl broke up with him because it wasn't working and knew he liked someone else she didn't know it was her best friend.
the next day this guy asked out the second girl and the girls ended up not talking since the second girl said yes.
they did become friends again but it took a while and it was really awkward for the rest of us.
the guy and the second girl are still together and this happened in april.
but i do agree friends should not date best friend's ex's it's happened to me also and it's the worst feeling.
I think the trick will be to find someone better. It's hard at first (trust me, this kind of thing happened to me all the time when I was younger). My best friend was always the gorgeous, intelligent one. So any guy I seriously fell for would look at me first, then instantly fall for my best friend. It hurts a lot at first. [Especially when the first guy you ever fell in love with, leaves you for her.] But I found someone who loves me for me now. I really could not care much for their relationship. (Although I am happy that they are both happy together).
If it bothers you so much, that may be you're still not over him. The best way to deal with it right now is to just kindly talk it over with your best friend about how you feel. It's not fair for you or her.
Dang I like totally relate =[. Except the girl is anything but a bestfriend.. in fact I kind of really don't like her lol.
I don't know how to deal with it either though.
Be honest and tell your friend how you feel about the whole thing. A real friend (even with feelings for the boy) wouldn't date him unless you were 100% okay with it. Even then, that's a bad road to to down.
Xo
She's your best friend who is very much like you. That stinks of rebound. I doubt he's really over you. Sounds like he should take some time to recover as well.
she's NOT your best friend, because she's thinking about dating your ex which is a violation of "the code". your ex is an idiot and you shouldn't be talking to him, and think about doing the same thing with your best friend too.
I agree with whoever says that your "best friend" isn't much of a friend if she's going to do this. You don't date your friends' exes, especially not your best friends' unless they're completely okay with it. And even then, I'd say it's a really, really bad idea.
@xStillHopingx@xanga -
Does the rule “don’t date a best friend’s ex” still hold if the best friend was the one who caused the breakup?
"She's even told me that while we were dating, he'd apparently always had her in the back of his mind"
WTF is this? What kind of best friend do you have? Even if that is true, she should have kept it to herself because that is such a hurtful comment. To date your ex and to tell you that she was the one he had chosen, even when you guys were dating? - Ridiculous.
shes not really your friend and living 8 hours away? you won't miss her that much.
On his end... it definitely sounds like a rebound. As for the best friend, I think that she is not being a good friend by dating him immediately. If she gave it more time, maybe it would be different. It hasn't been something like 4 months or anything like that- that would be enough time for him to build a genuine relationship with her that is not based on his relationship with you. And somebody who is willing to risk a long friendship over a new boyfriend is not someone who is going to be a good girlfriend, I'm sorry. So I question her character. The boy sounds confused at best, andshe sounds a little desperate. I doubt things will work out between the two of them. Hopefully you can rescue the friendship eventually. Sorry, the guy definitely does not sound worth it all.
If he was thinking of her, while he was still with you, then he'll do the same thing again. That's as bad as cheating, and once a cheater, always a cheater.
this is something different now i guess.
if she caused the break up then she's not a very good best friend at all.
and for him to let her cause it well that wasn't a good idea
in my opinion i think they're suited to each other.
You should tell her. I was in the same position, except I was the best friend. I wish my friend had told me. We stopped being best friends after I dated the ex.
@xStillHopingx@xanga - Dang… I wasn’t thinking right or something. My thoughts didn’t meet my fingers…What I meant was…
There exist three individuals… let’s name them: Guy1, Guy2 (bestfriend of Guy1), and Girl1
If Guy1 and Girl1 were in a relationship, and Guy1 breaks up with Girl1, then can Guy2 and Girl1 date?
Drama much?
I feel bad that you are in such an unfortunate situation. The boy is clueless and a jerk and your "bestfriend" either over-estimated the so called "sharing" of friends or simply lacks basic instinct.
Let's say they both liked each other truthfully and honestly and found it painful that you happen to be in the middle of it all. The girl should have refrained since i'm sure he's not the only guy in the universe and there are more fishes in the sea.
It's okay if the guy is stupid and makes a dumb decision to go after her. But her accepting it takes away respect that she has as your currently BF.
your ex is at fault, but your best friend is even WORSE for liking him back. There's an unwritten rule about friends not dating exes...and she just broke it. I say kick both of their asses to the curb. I may sound harsh, but if you keep both of them, or even one of them, in your life still you'll never be okay with it
Chicks before dicks anyone?
Define serious, I had a "serious" relationship in high school. It wasn't in the end. A friend of mine got married to the girl he was dating freshman year of high school; 9 years later. I'd call that serious. Either way though that's just cold of your friend. I wouldn't even "talk" to a friends ex even if my friend said it was ok. Most importantly read the comment at the top of the page.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - I disagree. "...once a cheater, always a cheater." I think it's twice a cheater, always a cheater. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it will never happen again. The aftermath was devastating for both her and myself. Then for good measure, my next gf cheated on me. Lesson learned.
your friend should know better. she's ur bestfriend u said? I will expect her to decide not to go out with my ex if I were u. and ur ex is a total jerk!
What a classic relationship catch-22, but either way you look bad. If your ex-bf and other bf can do this to you.. . how can you have self respect?
Well I say you let them do what they want on their own term and stop talking to either of them. I think you can do better than that. Your best friend must be kinda dumb too since she knows what he did to you.
The ex is a jerk-- He says that he was into her while he was dating you, and now wants to rebound with a friend of yours who's a lot like you? Yeah, too many issues there. Cut him out of your life. He's just trouble.
As for the "best friend," even though she says that she feels terribly and would end things with your ex if you were uncomfortable with it, she's already put you in a crappy position by making this your call. Should you be honest with her, she'll be able to blame you for her not being able to potentially find happiness with this guy. But should you tell her it's okay when it isn't, you're going to feel that she's prioritizing her relationship with him over her friendship with you. Lose-lose situation for you, either way. What she SHOULD have done was just NOT GO THERE. Exes of best friends ARE off-limits, at least while emotions are still raw. She shouldn't have even put herself in a situation where she could potentially develop feelings for him. I mean, why was she even talking to him after you two had broken up? There are millions of guys out there. She doesn't need to go for the one guy who broke her best friend's heart. By pretending to be sensitive and responsible to your feelings, she's actually REFUSING to take responsibility for her LACK of sensitivity to your feelings.
I guess my point is, as far as your friend is concerned, the damage has already been done. So you should figure out what kind of a friend she really is to you. I'm hoping that by the end of the day, she'll decide that anything she could possibly have with this guy is likely going to be fleeting anyway. Whereas her friendship with you could be for real.
I don't know, I don't find anything wrong with an ex dating a best friend, but I do have a problem with how a best friend can date the ex. I mean, if she is really the best friend she claim she is, she must know almost everything in the relationship and everything he's done with her/to her. Wouldn't it be a trifle weird when you decide to date the guy and remember that everything he's doing to you were things he did to your friend? I am a believer of true love, so that's why, I also think that nothing should be in the way of 2 people who are in love. But then all these factors come into play, so in the end, it just boils down to who's more important. I think that if your friend wants to date your ex, then so be it. But you don't need to hide your anger or distress. I think it's better to just cut ties then.