This is a guest blog submitted by fluttertothestars.I keep reading comments on blogs about sex and I am getting annoyed. Now you're thinking, "well don't read them," and I would respond, "I can't help it". You read a blog and if there are comments, one usually reads a few of those too.
Anyway. People keep saying that you should wait until marriage to live/have sex with your SO. And I just can't help but to disagree and here's why:
1) My mom has been married six times (almost eight) resulting in four children: Hugh (given up for adoption at the age of 2; he's about 29 now), myself, Christian and Alexander. NONE of us are fully related.
I know that she was 16ish when she had Hugh, so that's an obvious reason it didn't work out between my mom and Hugh's dad. My dad, however, was raised believing that sex before marriage was non-negotiable and wouldn't live with her, either. And they got divorced before I was even a year old.
Christian's father was a giant douche and they were divorced a few months after he was born. Alexander's father lasted the longest...so far, anyway, but he had some personality problems and expected too much from a working mother of three. He got violent and abusive, so she kicked him out. **Note: he's gotten his problems worked out and is now friends with my mom again.** There were two almost marriages in the four or so years after that.
When I was 13, she married James and moved our asses out to the country. When he discovered that she wasn't being completely honest with him about her past, he stopped trying, so that ended. For the past four years, she's been married to her current husband, Bill. They work together, so they've known each other for almost twelve years now. So far, so good with this one. Go mom! Sixth time's the charm...
2) I think we can all agree that sex is a large part of an intimate relationship, and if it isn't satisfying, then the relationship generally doesn't work. One person will start wondering if there is anything better, and might even go and try to find out (read: cheat). Or they will start resenting each other and regretting their choice, but if they are married, it's harder to leave. If you're supposed to wait till marriage to have sex, then what about masturbation? Can you do that? You should at least know how to please yourself so you can teach/show your husband/wife when you actually do have sex.
3) Everyone is raised differently. Some people put the dishes in the cabinet by the fridge, and some people put the glasses and cups by the fridge (that one makes more sense to me); some people sleep with lights on, or socks on, or snore or leave wet towels on the floor.... anyway, we all have different habits and do certain things differently. I, for one, am a little OCD about my kitchen and where things are placed. Most of these things you don't discover until you live with someone, and I have seen marriages end over the trivial stuff like this. One person lets it bother him too much and it just escalates into divorce. Money is another issue you get when you live together, and it's not talked about before then...not in depth, anyway.
The point is, you don't truly know someone until you live together and connect through sex. But don't just jump into that, either. Everything takes time, adjustments and compromise. And with my mom's track record as an example, I think I'll take every opportunity to make sure I'm making the right choice when I decide to marry someone.
My suggestion is, if after a reasonable amount of dating (it varies for each couple) and after you're satisfied with your sex life, start spending weekends together. Let that progress into longer periods of time. When you're comfortable with that, move in together. If both of you sign the lease or whatever, then you have some level of commitment there. I suggest having a dog, too, especially if you want to eventually have children. It will show you how the other person is with discipline and responsibility.
Having said all that, I live with my boyfriend, and we do have sex. And both of us had had sex before (we were both in serious relationships) and I wouldn't have it any other way. He knows what he wants and what he likes, and I know what I want and what I like. We also have dogs. And I have made the prediction that I will be the disciplinarian and he will be the pushover if we have children. I'm okay with that. We've also been able to learn from each other and adapt, which is important in a relationship as serious as ours.
Am I all alone in my reasoning?
Comments (411)
I don't think things like where the cups are placed or wearing socks at night should make or break a marriage.
There will always be things that can only be discovered after living together, but that doesn't mean that there are no ways to work around it.
and I'm pretty sure there are farrrrr fewer people who are planning on waiting, and tons more people who advocate living together and sex before marriage.
I agree 100%. I wouldn't begrudge anyone their choice to wait. But I think it makes more sense to reserve sex for long-term relationships, that don't necessarily need to be marriage.
@NightCometh@xanga - Perhaps you could help me understand. For the purposes of brevity, you omitted this, but I'm curious. If marriage isn't about my happiness/satisfaction or the compatibility of me and my spouse, then on what criteria should I select a spouse?
@JoySeELuN@xanga - Correlation and causation are NOT the same thing. Basically, there are probably several variables that cause people to be more likely both to live together before marriage AND get divorced.
@tony_asian_tiger@xanga - Just because you don't *know* anyone for whom it has worked, doesn't mean it can't. I'm still young, so I know few couples who live together and fewer who have lived long enough to "last" (I mean, three years is still very little when compared to a lifetime). But I can give a couple of examples where it worked out swimmingly.
@Theophilus166@xanga - I'm pretty sure that no one here would tell someone who wanted to wait that they just NOT wait. It's just that we are tired of being condemned for our (often well-made) choices. Just bceause you have heard some people regret some of their past partners, doesn't necessarily mean that everyone will (or that no one who waits would have regrets).
@icicle84@xanga - Libidos are not the only way for two people to be sexually incompatible. If you'd like me to go into a list, I can. But for me, it's less about incompatibility (since my sexuality is fairly flexible), and more about enjoying the serious relationships that I have before I am able to make a lifelong committment. You may not be able to respect that, but I hope you can at least understand it.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - Oh, I can understand - believe me. I just don't agree. I was only using the example put forward, but I believe selflessness necessarily follows in any relationship where two people genuinely "love" one another. And selflessness can take many forms - I don't believe there's any obstacle too big for a couple willing to truly put the good of the other person first. And that relationship will probably be stronger for all the work.
Just my two cents.
Your logic makes very little sense. Because your family had a problem sex before marriage is okay??? how does that work? You cant make objective claims based on subjective experiences.
We should leave it up to the couple to decide about sex. If you wait, fine. If you do have sex, fine. I won't judge you. Some people just need to not patronize others based on their opinions.
@whatyourBFreallythinks@xanga - haha bullcrap dude think before you post
Its not a matter of "judging" people. The issu of sexuality before marriage is an objective issue to say that i wont judge you if its right for you thats fine is wrong. Just plain wrong. Regardless of whether a person feels murder is wrong or not its still wrong. And if someone came up hit you in the face and then said i dont think that was innapropriate youd let them get away with it? Relativism is a joke. An crazy illogical joke people.
@Schristian@xanga - ummmm.... your stats are backwards. and besides that the "christian couples" arent necessarily christians either thats just the group they identify most closely with.
@CALxAVIATOR@xanga - I couldn't find data on same-sex marriages (esp. since there are so few in this country!) but Christians are much more likely than non-Christians to have been divorced.
@icicle84@xanga - Fair enough. I agree with what you said, but I do think there are *reasons* that you love someone. And for me, those reasons involve compatibility in various areas of my life. And one of the reasons for romantic love is that I feel comfortable expressing my sexuality with the one I love. So I would go so far as to say I would have a hard time feeling romantic love towards someone with whom I had little or no sexual chemistry/compatibility. This is actually the only reason that I'm completely heterosexual: I have female friends that could in every way besides sexual satisfaction, be exemplary life partners.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - well, with that, I do share some agreement.
Sex is a fairly integral part of a sexual relationship. :)
I just think that if there's a deeper layer of sacrificial love in the relationship already, it allows for a lot more willingness to work through sexual issues that may arise. But I do think I understand where you're coming from.
@jhaguar13@xanga - Actually, the author raised fine points on sexual activity before marriage, as WELL as living together before marriage. Just because a book tells you that you need to behave a certain way, doesn't make it right. Keep religious fanaticism out of it. The fact is, too many couples go into marriage without FULLY KNOWING one another and that's a big reason why marriages fail.
And no, statistics HAVE shown that homosexual couples tend to have longer lasting marriages than heterosexual couples. I'm merely pointing out the fact that this advice may be that exact reason.
Also, the author clearly states that this article MAY NOT APPLY TO EVERYONE. You're just being objective, but only objective religiously, not logically. There's no logical reason to not have sex before marriage. You could STILL contract an STD, or get pregnant while married. Marriage is NOT a magical event that makes everything you will do from that day on acceptable. There's no logic in it. None.
i pretty much agree. :)
I think it's pathetic that anyone would get a divorce because the sex isn't good enough. That's extremely shallow and not showing enough respect for the people in general.
Those exhusbands sound like complete jerks and they probably would still have been bad if your mother hadn't married them. It seems that what was lacking on both sides of the marriages you described was a value of the marriage covenent and a total lack of commitment. Which is understandable if both parties weren't Christians (not trying to be snobbish, I'm just saying that people who don't hold to the Christian value system would not really care about those things).
You are not alone in this reasoning HOWEVER a month ago I would probably be all like ''Hey marriage is the same as living together'' But it isn't! When you are married you get certain rights. When you are not, you don't! And like me, I had two pregnancies and I was the one expected to take care of the kids. So, I come out of a divorce, I get some help. I come out of a relationship- and I am older, no income, etc. Although he is registered as the father, obviously cause I wanted him to have his rights and stuff but you know, I don't ask for anything from him but it is hard! I mean those years I put into child raising, who gives me credit for that? Plus I am the one who has no home all of a sudden!
Marriage- it's just the smart thing to do.
I mean living with him and having kids rocked, I didn't want it to end but now it has ended I am kind of wondering if I would have a had an easier break up if I had divorced. I am not sure, maybe it would still be as painful and all the lawyer fees and all... hmm I don't know!
Marriage, relationships, love I am bit cynical about it all right now! I mean one day you are there thinking ''lol- forever that is *so* not true'' then this guy changes that and before you know it you are envisioning yourself as an old couple sitting on reclinable sofas and then stuff happens and you are back to square one except you are older, and not so cute anymore! Sigh...
All I am saying he might think twice if he knew you would sue him if he broke your heart. XD
I think seeing all that their is to a guy is important. I'll surely live with my boyfriend before we get married, so I agree. You really do get to know a person best after living with them.
Oh thank God there is another sane person out there :)
I don't have an issue if people want to wait until they are married to live together/sleep together,.
But I really wish people would stop telling people how to live their lives regarding this matter. It is not up to any of you, it's about personal choice and what works for you.
I don't necessarily disagree. I have done a lot of research on marriage and family dynamics (oh, college...) and most research says that couples who live together before marriage fail the most often after they do get married. I don't particularly chose that for my life, but to each his own. I don't like the idea that living together before marriage is a "trial period" before getting married so that if you don't like him after you see how he really is, you can dump him. If you don't know how/who your partner really is before you move in, something's wrong.
As far as I can tell, there is no absolute recipe to a successful marriage. My husband and I did wait, 3 1/2 years we waited until our wedding night, and we've been married nine years happily and look forward to spending our lifetime together (with no doubts and no previous partners). I read an article a while back in Newsweek in which they cited a study saying that people who live together before marriage are almost twice as likely to divorce as people who did not because the commitment of marriage is much much much more than simply living together, and it often proves overwhelming for people used to a lower level of commitment. Also, there are complications that arise from moving in with someone you're dating; if you break up, you have to re-divide assets, figure out who gets those poor dogs, and decide who is moving out of the shared lease... and people are just as likely to break up living together as they are if they were not living together because the level of commitment is still relatively low (compared to a married couple who would have to legally dissolve the marriage). I'm not saying that living together first won't work for you but I am saying that while your experience is going well for now, you have no successful marriage to speak for and therefore probably don't have much of a place to be advising people on how they should go about the process of readying themselves for marriage. Heads up: singles giving advice about marriage is about as annoying as non-parents dispensing parent advice. Experience is the key.
Sex was a non-negotiable for me, but after four years of dating someone I can promise you that when he moved in I didn't get to know him better, I knew him already. We didn't move in to see if it would work out - that's generally when it doesn't work out after a certain point. If years into your relationship you decide to put it on trial then you've generally answered your question about where you think it's going. We moved in together because of convenience issues and because we knew where we were in our relationship - we looked at it as being something permanent or rather we were/are aiming to keep it maintain permanence (obviously nature has it that not many things are permanent).
Personally I think sex is hardly the most important thing in a relationship...what if someone fell in love with a person who, due to some physical disability, COULDN'T have sex? Obviously there must be some other way to connect to that person, and that goes for everyone. Sure, there are couples who wait until after marriage to have sex and end up divorced, but I don't think it would have anything to do with not moving in together or having sex first. There ARE couples who do wait and end up happily married for a long time, if not for the rest of their lives.
A friend of mine loved her boyfriend a lot, moved in with him, had sex, and ended up pregnant. It seemed like their daughter was enough to keep them together, but now their relationship is in terrible shape and she's already taken her baby and moved out. Another friend of mine had gotten pregnant in high school, had a shotgun wedding, and she's still happily married to her husband, with no problems that I'm aware of. Every situation is different, and whether a couple thinks moving in
together and/or having sex is necessary to "test their relationship" is
up to them, even though I don't think it is.
i don't think your mother's case is good enough to generalize the reason why living together before marriage is ok. Â it seemed like your mother just got involved with men who wouldn't stick around or those who didn't really love her.
I agree with you. my parents are on the more drawn out spectrum in that they never got married, and they never will. whatever, but it makes sense and I've often thought the same thing. not because I think someone's little quirks will drive me crazy, but because I know I'm a real pain in the ass about so many things. it'd take a hell of a person to put up with it, and than being said, I know what more to look for in a long term relationship.
I'm 56 and couldn't agree with you more. Very good post. I'm sorry but you really must try on those shoes in the store.