This is a guest blog submitted by fluttertothestars.I keep reading comments on blogs about sex and I am getting annoyed. Now you're thinking, "well don't read them," and I would respond, "I can't help it". You read a blog and if there are comments, one usually reads a few of those too.
Anyway. People keep saying that you should wait until marriage to live/have sex with your SO. And I just can't help but to disagree and here's why:
1) My mom has been married six times (almost eight) resulting in four children: Hugh (given up for adoption at the age of 2; he's about 29 now), myself, Christian and Alexander. NONE of us are fully related.
I know that she was 16ish when she had Hugh, so that's an obvious reason it didn't work out between my mom and Hugh's dad. My dad, however, was raised believing that sex before marriage was non-negotiable and wouldn't live with her, either. And they got divorced before I was even a year old.
Christian's father was a giant douche and they were divorced a few months after he was born. Alexander's father lasted the longest...so far, anyway, but he had some personality problems and expected too much from a working mother of three. He got violent and abusive, so she kicked him out. **Note: he's gotten his problems worked out and is now friends with my mom again.** There were two almost marriages in the four or so years after that.
When I was 13, she married James and moved our asses out to the country. When he discovered that she wasn't being completely honest with him about her past, he stopped trying, so that ended. For the past four years, she's been married to her current husband, Bill. They work together, so they've known each other for almost twelve years now. So far, so good with this one. Go mom! Sixth time's the charm...
2) I think we can all agree that sex is a large part of an intimate relationship, and if it isn't satisfying, then the relationship generally doesn't work. One person will start wondering if there is anything better, and might even go and try to find out (read: cheat). Or they will start resenting each other and regretting their choice, but if they are married, it's harder to leave. If you're supposed to wait till marriage to have sex, then what about masturbation? Can you do that? You should at least know how to please yourself so you can teach/show your husband/wife when you actually do have sex.
3) Everyone is raised differently. Some people put the dishes in the cabinet by the fridge, and some people put the glasses and cups by the fridge (that one makes more sense to me); some people sleep with lights on, or socks on, or snore or leave wet towels on the floor.... anyway, we all have different habits and do certain things differently. I, for one, am a little OCD about my kitchen and where things are placed. Most of these things you don't discover until you live with someone, and I have seen marriages end over the trivial stuff like this. One person lets it bother him too much and it just escalates into divorce. Money is another issue you get when you live together, and it's not talked about before then...not in depth, anyway.
The point is, you don't truly know someone until you live together and connect through sex. But don't just jump into that, either. Everything takes time, adjustments and compromise. And with my mom's track record as an example, I think I'll take every opportunity to make sure I'm making the right choice when I decide to marry someone.
My suggestion is, if after a reasonable amount of dating (it varies for each couple) and after you're satisfied with your sex life, start spending weekends together. Let that progress into longer periods of time. When you're comfortable with that, move in together. If both of you sign the lease or whatever, then you have some level of commitment there. I suggest having a dog, too, especially if you want to eventually have children. It will show you how the other person is with discipline and responsibility.
Having said all that, I live with my boyfriend, and we do have sex. And both of us had had sex before (we were both in serious relationships) and I wouldn't have it any other way. He knows what he wants and what he likes, and I know what I want and what I like. We also have dogs. And I have made the prediction that I will be the disciplinarian and he will be the pushover if we have children. I'm okay with that. We've also been able to learn from each other and adapt, which is important in a relationship as serious as ours.
Am I all alone in my reasoning?
Comments (411)
Marriage cannot in any way be compared to buying a bra, or cheese, or a car--as more than one person delicately put it. When people start comparing something as big as a marriage to something as trivial as cheese or a car there is a problem. We get married so that we can have a partner who is going to be there for life--through sickness and health, for richer for poorer. I sincerely hope that people aren't getting married thinking 'Well, I might be with this person for the rest of my life and I might not." The legal side of marriages just solidifies your decision to be together and holds you responsible for your decision.
Yes, we should be careful in choosing who we marry. Of course, if you don't know the person, it's not going to end well. So get to know them! You don't have to do that by living or sleeping with the person.
I dated my husband for 5 years, and we waited. Yes, it was hard, but we had both decided a long time before that sex is meant to be given to one person and only in a marriage. I mean, you can give a gift more than once, but after being handled by the frst person, it just isn't as shiny the second, third, and eighth time you give it.
As for an "awkward" wedding night, it was the best night of my life. The "awkwardness" (which didn't last for long) only brought us closer together and gave us a greater sense of intimacy. I guess I don't "know what I'm missing", and I'm glad. I have no regrets.
Those of you who want to live with your partner to make sure that he/she doesn't have any annoying quirks before deciding if you should marry them need to take a quote from Shakespeare:
Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impedmiments. Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.
My husband and I are extremely happy together and I know without a shadow of a doubt that we will be for the rest of our life.
i really can't agree with this and the points i feel aren't strong enough. a lot of times there's no commitment when people move in without getting married first. one person could just walk out at any time. when you do get married then move in, and if it's meant to be, and you really love that person you'll make it work out. it's not a trial or a test drive. the argument about you can't really know a person until you live with them first is really weak. marriage is not a walk in the park. it's going to be a challenge no matter what. so if you wait to move in with the person after you get married its going to be difficult but that's what marriage is about. working together with the person you love. and if you get married after you've already moved in, it's not going to be any easier. at this point there's nothing to look forward to. you've already had sex already moved in with each other, so there really isn't a point in getting married. this is just how i feel. i can't pass any judgment. one of my good friends is living with her bf. it's all good. i just wouldn't do it.
@howgreat@xanga - i agree with this 100%. well said
i am a christian and i dont agree with moving in together before getting married.
not from a christian point of view but from just average joe america...
what incentive is there to marry someone if you are already living together? you already share expenses, food, a bed.
if your signicant other has to wait until he/she has married you in order to live with you, then the incentive is there.
(im not talking about sex, strictly just living together)
@CALxAVIATOR@xanga - I had the same thoughts as you, but i didnt knw how to put it into words. You're right.
@Schristian@xanga - what are the stats? i'm curious to know
@kalyb@xanga - @kalyb@xanga - well actually i truly believe that you meant that commitment was most important in a relationship. So with that information at hand, I believe that I was being logical, but hey!
Anyway. I am done responding to this, please continue to live your life in logic, and I hope that you find a very committed relationship, even if the love is gone.
Good luck with that.
@IHearTheOcean@xanga - I think it can be much worse. When you are married, you know you need to make living compromises. Where as you live with your bf/gf, the idea of making living compromises doesn't enter people's head. And that alone can make living situation either hell or lovely.
@tony_asian_tiger@xanga - Agreed, but to me it's a more progressive thing. I agree that people are more likely to stick around if already married, but, I after the wedding bells is a bad time to realize that someone else drives you utterly crazy and you don't have as much time apart. Some people, no matter how much they love each other, can't live together.
@Midnight_Rain46@xanga - "but I think that people who wait to save sex
for marriage should not be judged so critically. Saving sex for
marriage is the right choice for a lot of people. It shows how you are
saving your most sacred, special gift for that one person alone. That
would make such strong, committed, pure relationships."
I think those who choose not to wait should also not be judged so critically. Choosing to give yourself to someone under most circumstances is the right choice for a lot of people as well. Sex is NOT the most sacred, special gift you can give someone. Your heart is. That's what makes such strong, committed, pure relationships.
i absoultley agree with living with someone you intend to have a seriously committed relationship with and or eventually plan to marry .
dating someone while you coexist elsewhere in the meantime doesnt constitute as an actual relationship.
you need to be around that person 24/7 as much as possible.
you never know it could be make or break.
i lived with my husband for over a year before we got married.
we embraced each others wierd quirks and ways. others may not.
i highly recommend it.
go girl.