This is a guest blog submitted by fluttertothestars.I keep reading comments on blogs about sex and I am getting annoyed. Now you're thinking, "well don't read them," and I would respond, "I can't help it". You read a blog and if there are comments, one usually reads a few of those too.
Anyway. People keep saying that you should wait until marriage to live/have sex with your SO. And I just can't help but to disagree and here's why:
1) My mom has been married six times (almost eight) resulting in four children: Hugh (given up for adoption at the age of 2; he's about 29 now), myself, Christian and Alexander. NONE of us are fully related.
I know that she was 16ish when she had Hugh, so that's an obvious reason it didn't work out between my mom and Hugh's dad. My dad, however, was raised believing that sex before marriage was non-negotiable and wouldn't live with her, either. And they got divorced before I was even a year old.
Christian's father was a giant douche and they were divorced a few months after he was born. Alexander's father lasted the longest...so far, anyway, but he had some personality problems and expected too much from a working mother of three. He got violent and abusive, so she kicked him out. **Note: he's gotten his problems worked out and is now friends with my mom again.** There were two almost marriages in the four or so years after that.
When I was 13, she married James and moved our asses out to the country. When he discovered that she wasn't being completely honest with him about her past, he stopped trying, so that ended. For the past four years, she's been married to her current husband, Bill. They work together, so they've known each other for almost twelve years now. So far, so good with this one. Go mom! Sixth time's the charm...
2) I think we can all agree that sex is a large part of an intimate relationship, and if it isn't satisfying, then the relationship generally doesn't work. One person will start wondering if there is anything better, and might even go and try to find out (read: cheat). Or they will start resenting each other and regretting their choice, but if they are married, it's harder to leave. If you're supposed to wait till marriage to have sex, then what about masturbation? Can you do that? You should at least know how to please yourself so you can teach/show your husband/wife when you actually do have sex.
3) Everyone is raised differently. Some people put the dishes in the cabinet by the fridge, and some people put the glasses and cups by the fridge (that one makes more sense to me); some people sleep with lights on, or socks on, or snore or leave wet towels on the floor.... anyway, we all have different habits and do certain things differently. I, for one, am a little OCD about my kitchen and where things are placed. Most of these things you don't discover until you live with someone, and I have seen marriages end over the trivial stuff like this. One person lets it bother him too much and it just escalates into divorce. Money is another issue you get when you live together, and it's not talked about before then...not in depth, anyway.
The point is, you don't truly know someone until you live together and connect through sex. But don't just jump into that, either. Everything takes time, adjustments and compromise. And with my mom's track record as an example, I think I'll take every opportunity to make sure I'm making the right choice when I decide to marry someone.
My suggestion is, if after a reasonable amount of dating (it varies for each couple) and after you're satisfied with your sex life, start spending weekends together. Let that progress into longer periods of time. When you're comfortable with that, move in together. If both of you sign the lease or whatever, then you have some level of commitment there. I suggest having a dog, too, especially if you want to eventually have children. It will show you how the other person is with discipline and responsibility.
Having said all that, I live with my boyfriend, and we do have sex. And both of us had had sex before (we were both in serious relationships) and I wouldn't have it any other way. He knows what he wants and what he likes, and I know what I want and what I like. We also have dogs. And I have made the prediction that I will be the disciplinarian and he will be the pushover if we have children. I'm okay with that. We've also been able to learn from each other and adapt, which is important in a relationship as serious as ours.
Am I all alone in my reasoning?
Comments (411)
You're definitely not alone. I respect people that do wait, but for me I think that if you're mature enough and are in a deep, loving, meaningful relationship it's okay to explore those avenues.
I can think of a LOT of Christian couples who could benefit from this post. Maybe this is why homosexual couples fair better in marital statistics than heterosexual Christians?
Well, sex until marriage was mostly a result of people getting married at a young age. Obviously, they didn't have to wait that long. Lately, people are getting married later and later in life so premarital sex is more acceptable. There are also better contraceptives and options of safe sex now compared with fifty years ago.
As for living with someone else, I would only recommend it if the two individuals are adults who have a sense of direction with their careers.
Living with someone else does require committment and if you're looking for a future (in college for example), you never know where that future will take you.
While i agree with you on most points, I'm still not one for moving in with an SO unless there is an explicit agreement that marriage is in the future. Spending weekends, and progressively more time in each others homes is a really good way to find out the little quirks that you dont normally see unless you spend days together. its good to get to know the person you're with in as many ways as you can before you decide to settle down. love and marriage cant always be all feeling. you have to do some rational thinking.
and really, i dont understand how your mom connects to any of this except that she's made some not so good decisions. why lie about your past to the person you're marrying? that doesn't bode well at all for the relationship. anything based on lies will fail.
Here here, I agree completely.
Marriage is about a covenant between a man and a woman. It's not about being happy or compatible. It's about working through the crap of living with another person and the commitment to stay with that person till you die. And there's a reason most people aren't tough enough to follow through when times get hard.
I don't think there is a one size fits all solution. I've seen my friends get pregnant as teens, but then I've also see friend get married to jackasses that were all puppies and sunshine before.
Human relationships are very complex and have to be treated delicately. And with far more logic than Americans typically use. I mean most relationships are so bad because most of us don't exercise good judgement in the first place.
Your thoughts and your current relationship situation are pretty much identical to mine, and I think that my boyfriend and I have done everything exactly how it should be done. We moved in after about nine months, and now it's over a year and a half together and we're still going strong.
It really does varies with people. My first marriage failed, but we have lived together for almost two years before we tied the knot.
My current relationship is still going strong but we are not yet married, and we will be celebrating our third year in May.
Both of them, I moved in within the first two weeks of meeting them. It's funny to think of it. I really believe it all goes on YOU.
How you think, feel and relates with the other person. If you have any slight of doubt it would not work out, then there's a high chance it WON'T work.
But if you have some faith everything will be alright, there you go. Living together or not, really have nothing to do with it, honestly. I don't plan on marrying EVER, and definately not again.
However, I do think there will be a day down the road we will call it quit of being a bf/gf and get married.
In my opinion, relationships should last longer than two years BEFORE anyone should marry. I have noticed a lot of marriages or relationship fail within the two years.
Then I also think that it is so much better and safer to decide on the wedding day AFTER five years of being together.
@NightCometh@xanga - Wait, marriage isn't about being happy? Or compatible?
If you're not happy with the person why bother getting married in the first place?
And why would you continue dating someone if you aren't compatible with them, let alone marry them?
I agree with this post. I do not believe in waiting for marriage for sex. Say your SO likes to have sex all the time, but you don't. That's not going to work in a relationship. And if you wait until marriage to have sex you're not going to now that about your SO. And then you're going to have a unhappy relationship. And since you waited until marriage for sex, you probably won't divorce them and then if you happen to have kids you're children will have a unhappy childhood.
Sorry...that was a bit of a rant, obviously I feel very strongly about this.
But last I checked marriage was more then just a covenant between a man and women. It's about loving the person you're with in everyway. And being happy and compatible with them.
well i do agree about the sex thing, but living togethe..i'd rather wait till after marriage. i already know how my bf lives...i see it in his house, and so i get a clue how it would be. and i think waiting till after marriage is a huge perk..since the sex is already out of the way.
I like your point of view.
I say sex is so important, that you should have sex before you even start dating...I could be wrong, but sexual compatibility could make or break the relationship...Marriage should not be something that you wake up to and say, "Fuck this..." I agree that it's hard work, but the person you are with should definitely be someone that makes it an easier transition, just like you would make it as easy for them as they would for you...
Other than sex, the only way to really get to know someone is to be around them all the time, to come home to them, to really just sleep with them, and to eat with them...How are you gonna do this without living with them? All you Cinderella fucks that think that you're gonna wait til marriage have a load of disappointment coming...Putting off a huge section of your adult life and denying your humanity is just leading yourself to bottling up your feelings...That disillusionment will definitely break you into the real world...
Sex is a part of human nature...Without it, you would not be reading this...That and violence...It's hardcoded into our DNA...
All you bible bitches that are waiting for marriage or traumatized women that refuse to get treatment and blame the ENTIRE male population for your pain should just not reproduce anyways...That way, we can make sure you NEVER pass your genes or ideas to any progeny you produce...
The whole sex after marriage thing stems from 2 simple facts.
1) It was not to meant to be a trial and error endeavor. Where you tried and tried again...until you eventually succeeded. No, it was to make it harder to quit in the first place by not allowing you the opportunity to experience a deep relationship before your marriage.
Why do you think it is almost hardwired into us to protect our children so fiercely from attention they start doting on one another in their teenage yrs?
2) It was supposed to happen after they started gaining their adulthood, but more importantly to be guided by those who have already walked the path before.
Both of which I might add no longer hold for our society at large. In fact, as it has already been stated earlier...it can be quite counter productive to a relationship.
Now, I make no claim one way or the other about good or bad...Just that it should be taken in context with everything else.
I know in my own experience, I wish I would of started earlier cause even though it was harder to quit...situations developed that would not have if I had been more experienced with intimate relationships.
But that is why christians should stay away from nonchristian relationships in the first place. The way we are raised doesn't mix well with the way non christians are.
no. you are not. i've been reading different articles about how living together before marriages result in a higher divorce rate ..and that kinda scared me. but my situation is similar to yours..i live w/my fiance and we have a dog...
I agree with this post. A lot of the decisions about moving in together comes from how you're raised. I know in my traditional culture, moving in together before marriage is considered taboo. My sister did it and she suffered for it from my parents. Regardless of what my parents say, I'm still going to do it if I feel its right because I live by my morals.
My other sister, a traditional FIlipino, asked me if my boyfriend and I were planning on moving together after I graduate from school. We spend every weekend together already (sometimes longer when I'm on school vaca, and even with this amount of time we spend together, we haven't argued once) so I told her yes and that we planned on moving closer to his work. She asked me why not just get married and the response shocked me because I'm only 21. I told her marriage wasn't on our agenda just yet and we figured we'd try it out first in case it doesn't work. She said if we love each other, we shouldn't have to try it out first but instead, just work things out because that's what marriage is all about. Again, ???
Recently, my boyfriend's company offered relocation benefits to move to Nevada in a couple of years. We live in CA and living together here is something I'm comfortable with, but moving to another state with just my BOYFRIEND is a big thing to me. I told him I'll move with him only if we get married first.
I'd like to get a generally idea. Was it wrong for me to ask marriage before moving to another state?
I think its a good idea to spend some time at each others place to get a feel for how they run things. If your place is messy and out of place but your boyfriends place is super spotless and eveything has a place...iving together will be a lot of adjusting.
Xo
yes and yes.Â
Personally, I think living with your Significant other is the kiss of death for the relationship. Of ALL the people I know who lived together, it NEVER worked out. NOT ONE!!! So, I don't see what benefits living together have.
As far as having good relationship needs good sex life. I REALLY can't say I agree or disagree. It is one of those things I still swing back and forth.
I'm not exactly sure how people have sex before marriage can really criticize those who wait. I hear the argument that it's better to sleep with a few people to know what you like. The question I have is: how can you know it's better since you obviously haven't done what you've criticized? It just doesn't make sense to me.
I've never heard a married person say "I wish I'd have slept with more people before I got married," but I have heard a few say they wish they'd waited.
I enjoyed reading your point of view. I think living together beforehand can be very wise, although, to be blunt, I wouldn't go into sex before marriage due to my own religious beliefs.
@Eskimo1990@xanga - Marriage isn't "only" about being happy or compatible.
"If you're not happy with the person why bother getting married in the first place? "
Nobody said you weren't "happy" with the person before you married them. The dating period is the time to find out if you're "happy" and "compatible," but why does sex have to be part of the experimental period?
Last I checked, LOVE is supposed to be about wanting the good of the other person more than your own good. Your comment about one person wanting to have sex more often than another ... well, that displays the selfishness. If you truly want the good of the other person more than your own, you will deal with it sometimes, and he'll deal with it sometimes.
Why will that lead to an unhappy relationship? You're definition of "happy" is ridiculously narrow. You assume that people who may have different preferences won't be happy together, and will produce unhappy children ... I disagree.
If marriage is about "loving" the person you're with in every way, it's placing that person's desires above your own. And if it's mutual, that person will put your desires above his/her own, as well, resulting in a satisfaction in giving that you could never get just from being "happy and compatible."
Sorry to be harsh, but I have strong feelings about this, too.
@NightCometh@xanga - Right on again!
@whatyourBFreallythinks@xanga - Do you consider yourself a "tolerant" person?
Obviously not. I'd prefer your ideas not be passed on, either.
How old are you?
I'm sorry, but I believe that if your mother has already been in 6 marriages that were unsuccessful, your basis for using your mother as an example to make your points are invalid. I do not mean to offend you, but in all honesty, I do not think that it is a matter of living with or having premarital sex with your SO that determines the success of a relationship.. it is really the quality and maturity of the couple that gets you through relationships. I suspect your mom or her partners do not know the significance of marriage. A divorce is a big deal- it is breaking the covenant that 2 people make to each other and to God.. how does one get divorced 6 times? That is just insane. As rampant and prominent as divorce is in this country, it does not mean that divorce is a good thing-- but multiple divorces in a row suggests that it's the maturity of the person that is in question--
I do agree with NightCometh that marraige is about a covenant between a man and a woman. I also agree that marriage really is NOT about being happy or compatible *all the time.* It is truly, truly, truly about working through those unhappy and incompatible times-- as well as enjoying the happy and compatible times together. Not just throwing your hands up in the air and saying, "I quit." That is such a lazy American way of life.
@schristian@xanga- The comment about homosexual couples statistically fairing better than heterosexual Christians was uncalled for and immature. Also, what you said is untrue and has very, very, very little substance to back it up. Prove me wrong, if you still want to stand up for what you said.
aaaaaaaaaaaaamen.