Mr. LionJackie, this girl I once dated, told me it's easy to tell when a guy isn't over his ex by the way he describes her after the breakup. She said if the guy talks trash about her, saying it was her fault for the breakup and she was this mean, arrogant bitch, then it means he still has feelings for her. But if a guy can talk about all her good qualities, even after a nasty breakup, then it means he's over her.
Somehow Jackie was reading me like a book, telling me the truth and breaking up with me, all at the same time without the yelling or complaining. She knew something about me that I didn't care to pay attention to.
I couldn't help wonder why she said those words to me. My ex (and my first serious girlfriend, too) was a pain in the ass. I needed someone to blame for my heartaches and pains, so I dumped it all on her. The problem with that was I couldn't keep it to myself. I let Jackie know when she asked about my ex.
That was a big mistake. She knew right away I wasn't over my ex and was using the blame game to hide my real feelings. Of course, things didn't pan out the way I wanted to. I still did have feelings for my ex and wanted to get her back but it didn't work out as planned. I did learn a very valuable lesson, though: you can either talk nicely about your ex to a new girlfriend because you've truly moved on or lie your ass off while trying to move on.
Do you agree that it's easy to tell if a guy is over her ex by the way he describes her after the breakup? Do you talk trash about your ex if your significant other asks?
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Comments (90)
I'd rather a guy not say much about his ex. Of course I do agree with the theory. A lot of bad words signals a lot of bad feelings which in result tell me that there are unresolved emotions. But, if a bf talked very well about his ex, that would probably worry me more.
Nah. I don't have anything bad to say about him (I only have one ex).
As for the other question, I have no idea.
I just try hard to avoid any questions about my ex at all. That's good, right? It's not worth the time to talk about her, and that's what I'm learning.
Yea, I won't lie. I recently had a very nasty break-up with my boyfriend. Apparently this fact is true for women as well. We both talked horribly about each other and then somehow ended up back together. Wow. What a fucked up world this is. LOL.
i think when a person talks badly about an ex..it's cause you hurt, and not over what happened. of course even if you still talk about what your ex did..especially if it's horrible..you can't help but be upset..but you do it less when you getting over that person. i am over my ex..but i still talk about what he does..i'm not as mad..just a little irriated that i didn't drop his ass sooner..however if i did..i wouldn't have ran into the perfect guy i'm with now.
You can talk crap about someone and not care about them...People who "used" to be friends do it all the time.
Xo
@ToxicWishes@xanga - That's true. I agree with you on that one.
I agree 100%. Generally, people don't feel a need to trash-talk someone in whom they're no longer emotionally invested. When people trash an ex or an ex-friend, it's because there's still leftover bitterness and/or resentment. Once you get over the person and the relationship, you don't feel a desire to rip on them. There's simply no longer a reason to do so.
After my ex and I ended things, there was a lot of bitterness (on both sides) for awhile after. With time, though, I got over it. We cared about each other at one time, and things ended because we weren't good together, not because either of us was a "bad" person. End of story. For someone to say differently, it'd be pretty clear that there's still leftover resentment on that person's end.
A mature, rational person can see both sides of the story and realize that it's never truly one person's fault. Everyone plays a role; blaming the other person is just an immature, futile attempt to alleviate guilt on one's own end.
It varies for me. In regards to one guy who hurt me really badly years ago, I still refer to him as "The Duplicitous Asshole" when he comes up in conversation. But it's not because I have lingering feelings for him. And it's not because I'm not over the pain he caused me. Part of my process of getting over him was to stop make excuses for his behavior and to conclude that, yes, he was simply a bad guy. So, at this point, "Duplicitous Asshole" has sort of just turned into a nickname I've assigned him.
As for my most recent ex, our breakup was far more painful than any other relationship meltdown that I've ever had. I don't think anyone has hurt me as much as he did. If I wanted to, I could easily talk trash about him in an attempt to convince myself that he never deserved me. Certainly, I still harbor a lot of anger, but somehow talking trash about him just doesn't feel right. Sometimes I wonder if my need to protect a decent image of him means that I still love him and am not ready to let go of him entirely. Sometimes I wonder if I've simply found a more mature way of getting over my heartbreak this time around. I don't know.
Interesting theory, though.
That's really refreshing to hear. My boyfriend talks nicely about his ex, and it has kind of been throwing me off for awhile. So hearing that it's a good sign makes me feel better. But now that I think about it, I talk nicely about my ex who I am 100% over.
@Sirius_Fan_Girl@xanga -
dont worry kate. I'm over laura. I may not b nice to her always but I try.I'm completely commited to u, but u knew that.
As for the question. I'm not a chick so I dont know about bf's talking about their ex. And Kate doesnt hav feelings for her ex. But I dont think Jackie was always rite, some ppl really just can't stand their ex.
with a guy, yes... almost always.
with girls, i think it's a lot more complicated... because i still hate my ex, and i talk shit about him. but that's not because i'm over him, it's because he really screwed me over, and i'm finding it hard to forgive him for that.
i can safely say i'm in love with my boyfriend.
i think the true indicator comes when you feel the NEED to talk shit about your ex.. because if that's all you think about, clearly you're not over them.
when the word 'hate' gets thrown around, i also get very wary... because, as i've heard in many random quotes, hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is. hate implies that you still care.
so... yea.
Wow if that's true then my ex was definitelyyyy not over his ex. He talked trash about her like you wouldn't believe.
i have another question here...
i am dating with a guy, i told him that dont talk about his exs at all (coz i know that i WILL feel bitter and jealous...) plus i think its no point to talk about it anyway (but meanly i know that i m just jealous lol)
so should i ask him to talk about his ex or can i keep it this way and avoid it??
That's an interesting theory. I'm not sure if that's entirely true 'cause I would worry a bit if my boyfriend talked nicely of past girls.. Then again, it depends on each guy 'cause all guys are different.
As for me, when the topic of my ex comes up, I'll still say stuff about how he creeped me out & how I wish I had broken up sooner but it's not "trash talk" nor does it show how much I "care" about him. While things ended bitterly, it wasn't entirely his fault & I don't harbor any ill feelings toward him but I'd rather he had handled things more maturely. All things aside, I have no feelings for him whatsoever & I am 100% dedicated to my boyfriend. :)
Now that I think of it, a person can be over their ex but still talk about the past & how traumatizing the break-up was. However, the talk would probably be less intense & perhaps more so as a reminder not to repeat the same mistake.
@floryo@xanga - It's gonna come up sooner or later if you end up being serious with him. In my opinion, I'd like to know about my guy's past so that I can better understand him & make sure we don't make the same mistakes. Avoiding things won't help 'cause it'll only resurface again.. You can run but you can never hide. Might as well face those fears straight up now than face it down the line when you're more invested.. It'd also hurt less. Then again, that's just me. The jealousy will go away 'cause it's just not healthy to be an extremely jealous person. If anything, facing it will only make you a stronger person & further develop your character. :)
i think that's true... and for girls as well.
@floryo@xanga - i did the same thing too with my ex, i told him i prefer not to know about his exes. but now i kinda regret cause i wish i knew more about his past.
@still_standing - totally agree. i wish i knew this earlier....
Nahhh.
I have a question, maybe someone has answered this, so I apologize if it seems repetitive, but what if his ex was just everything he liked and wanted; she was sweet and he loved her, but things just didn't work out and he may possibly be not over her. Then how do you tell? In this case, I don't think talking trash about her indicates he hasn't moved on.
EASY: They should NEVER bring up an ex.
1. Out of respect for YOUR relationship now.
The ex shouldn't even come into conversation.
Alot of relationships would run smoother if people
would stop talking about their ex. Keep your past in your past!
this not always tru, me an my gurl split but i dont trash her. maybe cuz webeen threw the whole breakup and get back 2gether thing a few times but she still one of my good friends. so probly depends on the person
I agree with that theory.
My bf talked trash about his ex badly. Said he hated her, she was a bitch blah blah blah.Then he told me he still had feelings for her even after we'd been together 7 months, engaged, and moved in together. He told me he sometimes fought with me to drive me away so I'd leave and he could go back to her.
Now he says he's really starting to get over her so its half bad talk/half good talk.