This is a guest blog submitted by msullan.Okay, so we've all heard the phrase "men and women can't be friends". We've read about it, talked about it and thought about it. I was always under the impression that a man and a woman can share a close bond without having sexual tension. I mean, why wouldn't two people be able to be close without wanting to sleep with each other? There have to be those people out there who can share this platonic bond and who have never questioned their relationship. Although, at this point in my life, I question how this could ever be successfully done.
What about all of the unrequited love triangles that are so popular in romantic movies and novels? In so many instances, two people are
friends , or so one of them thinks. In almost all of these situations, there is the oblivious, "we would never even think of being more than just friends" party. At some point, the oblivious friend ultimately realizes that the other wants something different than just friendship and either 1) freaks out; or 2) ignores that they know anything until the other has to spell out their feelings and they have no other choice but to acknowledge them. But what happens if they don't feel the same way? Will the friendship ever go back to where it was? Should it even go back to that place when one person was mildly miserable? You look at the Dawson's Creek, Made of Honor, etc. examples of these types of situations and always root for the friends to finally get together. But what about in real life?
It seems to me that my best guy friend would be a great person to be with. But is it worth it for me to ruin our friendship just to see if things would work out? Because once you've gone there, there is no turning back. The damage would have been done, and even a reconciliation wouldn't erase the fact that you were once more than just friends. The relationship takes on a completely different dimension. But it seems that not considering it as an option would be tragic as well. What if they actually are perfect for you, and you had just never noticed or thought that they would reciprocate?
How do you bridge the friend gap without ruining the friendship?
Recommend
Comments (27)
Sigh... I'm trying to figure this out myself. I'll leave it at that.
The boyfriend and i were friends before we dated, for like 6 years... I always had a crush on him, he was a good friend..but i never put him in the "friend zone only" because i knew if i got the chance, i would date him.
Xo
You don't. Ok let me rephrase that. I have a really really close guy friend. A ton of people have said we should get together... but we're not. Would we have a happy relationship? Yeh. Would it be fun? Oh yeh. But we don't have that romantic "spark" or "connection." Its just... not there. We'd just be best friends living together with a marriage certificate. Not best friends AND lovers. For me I guess you would know early on if you would ever be interested in someone in a romantic way or not. Not a "Made Of Honor" type of deal. I don't know though, maybe for others it was that way?
I personally think that it's crap. I dated my best friend. We broke up. We're still great friends. Sure, it took us a few months to get back there after the breakup, but it's 5 years later and (though we live in different states now) can still talk about just about anything.
I say, if you like someone, go for it. If you're really as good of friends as you think you are you'll be able to make the friendship work again even if you break up.
I can't really give advice without sounding like a hypocrite because I'm in a similar situation. I'm constantly sabotaging myself from making a move due to insecurities/fears/etc. I need to grow some balls and go for it, but it's SO much easier said than done. Trust me, I've literally bang my head a few times because I would wimp out at the last second haha.
i dunno, i think some friendships can ONLY be friendships lol
me and one of my male housemates have been friends for a few years now, and i can honestly say 100% neither one of us have any sexual/romantic feelings towards each other, and unless something extremely odd happens, never ever will. (thank God!)
i usually know right away if a guy in friends only or friends and maybe something else material LOL
@JessxMaxine@xanga - i never put him in the "friend zone only" because i knew if i got the chance, i would date him.
i like this answer because this is very important. if you think that you would be remotely interested in dating someone, don't categorize them as a friend. now, being friends before the relationship is a great step one because you need to know that person before you start getting intimate with them
i wonder what i will do. i guess i have never categorize a guy as a friend only if i was interested in him. but i don't know. i'm having my own problems with my relationship right now. so um.... help if you lik its on my blog. but yerh um....'taking a risk may bring you reward in return'
i think the same things that attract one as a friend attract inthe romantic equation as well. ie sense of humor, smart ect. i think the only way to kill any lingering affections for one of youre friends is to hop inot bed witht hem adn face the reality that is never as good as a daydream. a good dose of reality, will pop that bubble. when you get married you want to make sure that person is your friend anyways, not just a romantic fluff bit.
I can be friends with my exs just fine.
I say go for it. He probably feels the same way. And I think even with the risk it's still worth it. There's no one better for you than the person you're already best friends with. No one else would be worth the effort 'cause you'd have to get to know them, etc. You already know that you and your best friend are perfect for each other. If there's already sexual tension, just go for it. Please, because it would make me feel so much better that there was at least one guy out there who got to live the dream.
I have two best friends. One female, one male. My best guy friend and I have never had that "sexual tension" b/c neither of us are attracted to the other in that way...we talk about everything...and I mean EVERYTHING!! From music, to school stuff, to sex lives, to deep dark secrets, we share it all...I can't imagine my life w/out him, but he will always be my best friend, nothing more. I don't want anything more from him...
I have been in those situations where the guy friend and I can't be "just friends" b/c there is that tension...while I know that staying friends w/a guy can be difficult, I know it is possible...I fell in love w/one of my good guy friends. For a long time I was bitter that we didn't work out...but now, we are friends again...we will never travel back down that road, and I'm totally ok w/it b/c now I know it will never work b/w us...but I'm so glad we took the chance...
i've seen people who have dated and are still friends... granted that most of them aren't on the stablest of terms, but the biggest reason for that is one of them isn't really over the other, and the other is with a new person who they're happy with.
i think it requires a degree of maturity, but if the two people were good friends before the relationship, i think they can be after... it's when you start a relationship with nothing that it's difficult to digress.
but there is a freaking out factor... one of my close guy friends told me he liked me and i totally didn't see him that way... and i haven't spoken to him since. but if you both like each other, i don't see why it's a huge problem. you just have to set some parameters in case of failure ahead of time.
If you have a guy friend that doesn't want to just 'be friends' then it's probably because he doesn't understand the concept of being in any sort of relationship with a woman without having sex with her, which ultimately means he has no respect for not only you, but women in general. He's not concerned about the strong fulfilling relationship the two of you could have, he just wants you in his bed.
I have been in a relationship with a guy where we were friends for a while, and then the relationship got a bit sexual, and then we had to go back to friends because it was a long distance thing. I have known him for almost 5 years now. Though he is 2 years younger than me, we hold eachother to such high regard, that we base the people we date an eachother. He treats me with respect that very few guys my age or older can seem to muster. Even though we had a sexual 'thing' for a bit, it's not something that we would ever think of going back to becuase we are just happier as friends.
Unfortunatly, I have had the exact opposite happen to me too. I was cool with this guy and then against my better judgement I allowed us to get sexual. I regretted it, but when I tried to switch back to just being friends he made a big deal about it, and kind of flipped out on me. Needless to say, I stopped talking to him immediatly.
aah i ask myself the same question. i think it depends on your guy friend. it depends on his personality.
im actually going through the same thing. i've known this guy since junior year (im a senior now, in college). we're friends. but now, were starting to getting to know each other in a deeper sense. im starting to like him, and he actually found out about it. i was so worried that we might get awkward. that he'll act different when im around. and i dont want that to happen bcoz we hang out with the same ppl u know. BUT knowing his personality, he's such a nice guy and till now, we're still cool. i want to be more than friends but he's not looking. i think he's just not ready to commit yet.
soo, i guess, if you know this person well enough, you will be able to see what he's reaction is gonna be like. goodluck! hope everything works out for ya!
I am dating a friend from high school whom I've known for a while now. We were friends all throughout high school but there was never a romantic "spark." However, this past summer we started dating and it's been amazing.
People who see us together note that we're almost like "best friends" and not just romantically involved. When we go out or hang out, we can talk or joke for hours about anything but I still see him as a guy that I'm completely crazy about. A successful relationship is based on friendship: trust, shared interests, respect. And if your friendship is real, if things don't go according to plan, you will both find a way to stay close. I think it's a good idea to have a strong friendship built before crossing over from the platonic realm.
Just sharing from experience. Hope this helps, best of luck to you!! :)
then again, would you live knowing that you never made a move and you let that person slip away? I think girls are more comfortable w/ being just friends but i don't know about guys and that's the weird part.Â
 x AimÂI have always gotten along better with guys - probably due to the fact that I have two older brothers...but even still, I do have a good number of male and female friends. However, a couple of months ago, one of the guys that I have known/been friends with for the last six years and I have decided to give a "relationship" a try. He is a bit more than three years older than me and this would actually be my first relationship. I explained to him how I felt (finally) and that he didn't need to reply one way or the other (unless he felt like it) - I just need to have everything known "officially"... Once I found out that he felt the same way, I let him know my first relationship-hesitation - and he completely understood/understands and even told me last night that he doesn't want to rush me. I think, since the closeness that we have has mostly come about over the last year (grown slowly over the last six years) and that I took the time to explain my lack of history, that helps to make everything smoother. We are also in a very close-knit group of friends, which helps, so, I think, if for some reason we were to ever break up, we'd still be friends...and I think that makes everything seem more comfortable.
well i have been in some similar sitcuations as this. im friends with a lot of guys, but there are just some who i consider like brothers to me, who i could never think of having more of a friendship with, that it is made clear that we are just friends nothing more. then i have my best friend who is a completly different story.
ive always kindof liked my guy best friend and had this thing for him, i never said anything because i wasnt sure how he felt about me, and i didnt want to put our friendship in jeopardy. but we have became so close latley and i was almost positive that he felt the same as me.
little did i know, i was right, before i even had to say anything he told me how he felt about me and that he liked me. on the done side, he also said he doesnt want a girlfriend right now. but thats entirely besides the point.
point being if you have a really close friend and you feel something for him, chances are he might just as well be feeling the same for you. you never know though until something is said.
as of now are friendship remains stronger then ever, even with our feelings out there in the open. who knows maybe noe day we will be able to start a relationship with eachother.
hope i somewhat was of help (:
Take a risk. I've ruined some friendships before. It was worth it. Hopefully your friendship will last. If your friendship is true, it will last even if the romance dies. Sure there will be damage. But hey, if you really are friends for the right reasons, and true reasons, you won't lose them. If they hurt you they hurt you. You will find new friends, just like you will find new lovers. Know your desires, explore your life! If you desire someone and you can't deny it, you won't be happy just being friends anyway. So just do.
I've lept for it before. It's just a matter of taking the step.
Of course my friend wasn't as mature, so he kind of avoided me for a few months so I had time to get over him, little did he know I was over him faster than he assumed. Stupid.
Right now I'm having that same dilemma with my best guy friend. I've started liking him [again] and everyone says it's like we're going out, but he has a girlfriend at the moment, so it's kind of waiting on the side. Also, I swear we have sexual tension, but then I'm not sure if it's just in my head.
Honestly, the guy would love to be with you. I have never met a guy who was best friends with the girl, and didn't want more than a friendship with her. Unless the guy is gay.
Once again maturity level. If you want a stereotypical answer. Then no. Once that bridge is crossed, it is too hard to go back.
i would drop hints to see if anything is reciprocated or get others to ask nonchalantly if he has any interest in you. then that would avoid any awkward moments and the relationship doesnt have to be ruined due to you trying to get your hands into things. let others do the dirty work for you.
I have two best friends. Both male. I am female.
I have "bridged the gap" with one of them. It didn't work out, but we're honestly closer and more honest with each other than any of my other friends. I am extremely close to my other best friend, but there has never been a romantic spark for either of us.
So, can men and women be just friends? Absolutely.
Can you bridge the gap and go back? Absolutely.
It is entirely possible - you just have to have the right connections.