This is a guest blog submitted by cyanidebutterfly.
Rebound. If the word immediately brings to mind the typical image of an emotionally unstable girl instead of a basketball game (or other sporting event), then you're definitely in the right blog genre. If your mind jumped to sports, allow me for a moment to divert your attention from NBA season and direct it to the object of discussion.
According to
Wikipedia:
A rebound is an undefined period following the break up of a romantic relationship. Someone who is "on the rebound," or recently out of a serious dating relationship, is popularly believed to be psychologically incapable of making reasonable decisions regarding suitable partners due to emotional neediness, lingering feelings towards the old partner, or unresolved problems from the previous relationship.
Rebound relationships are believed to be short-lived due to one partner's emotional instability and desire to distract themselves from a painful breakup, and those emerging from serious relationships are often advised to avoid serious dating until their tumultuous emotions have calmed.
They also mention a study done at Princeton using recently divorced people that came to the conclusion that there is no such thing, but they didn't do it with dating. I also found
this site, which really goes into detail about rebound dating and how disastrous it can be.
Are rebounds are a poor excuse for a hook-up or a legit reason to take it slow?
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Comments (25)
Oh this is a tough one, if its rebound.. to me it means insecure.. they can't move on without someone..
We all crave companionship.. and look for mates... but really we're only ready for a relationship with someone else after we first get used to ourselves.
That sounds like mumbo jumbo, but what I mean is you have to not "need" someone else. Then you act like a normal person and your relationship will go better.
How do you get to be not "needy" spend a few months travelling by yourself.. not with friends.. you'll find you don't talk to a soul for a month.. as you adjust.. but then that craving is controlled
rebounds happen cause people want to be with other people.. they can work as much as any relationship.. they can fail as much too, but they have an underlying insecurity involved
Owen
But there are those few people out there who date on the rebound and end up in long term relationships.
I go on emotion not sexual needs, so I think rebounds are a poor excuse of just wanting to hook up and have the other person know, "I'm on the rebound and this most likely won't turn into a relationship, don't get attached."
Like FWBs.
Xo
Rebound is in the eye of the beholder, usually people tell me that it's a rebound if you didn't wait "long enough" before going into another relationship. But what does that mean really? How long should you wait before it becomes a rebound?
ie. If you dated somebody for 10 months, is there an adequate mathematical equation that tells you, you should wait 5 months? If you waited less than 5, it's a rebound??
It depends on the mental/emotional stability of the person who concludes that he or she is ready for a new relationship. I think it totally relies on how he or she understands him/herself and no matter how long you might wait, someone else can pop up and say "hey that new person is your rebound eh?" Once that thought is planted in your brain and you start questioning your MOTIVES for being in that 'rebound-esque' relationship, then you start identifying it as one, no?
But generally... I think waiting about the half amount of time of the time you were in a serious relationship (ie. was in a relationship for 12 months, wait 6 by 'dating' before jumping into a new relationship) is relatively decent 'off time'. o_O
How many times do I need to post "Things are different for different people?"
I have first class experience with this one. My current boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half now. He was a rebound guy. I will admit it. And, yes, a rebound does mean that you can't move on without someone. BUt does that mean that the relationship I am in now means nothing? No. I don't believe so.
While you may want to take things a little slower in a rebound relationship to make sure that the things you are feeling are from love and not, well, the rebound, a rebound relationship can turn into something much more......if you're lucky :)
@moritheil@xanga - Agree, it truly depends on the people and different situations. Personally, I think most rebound relationships don't work, but of course there's exceptions.
Eh. I rebounded from a 4 month relationship with a 4 year relationship. It all depends on how much work you put into it.
my bestfriend dates this guy for 13months. they broke up and within two months, she started dating again. the 2nd one was obviously a rebound. she finally realized that she really isn't over the first one yet, so she ended up breaking things with the 2nd guy. and lemme tell u,the 2nd guy was the nicest one. poor him!
my ex had a rebound girl. he dated this girl within two months of our breakup. we went out for 26months! were not in speaking terms anymore but I think they're happy (accdg to some pics and mutual friends). so idk, maybe they'll work out.
as for me, I'm not a person who would do rebounds. coz I think ur not being true to yourself when u go right next to another relationship. but that's just me.
Well once i was on the rebound so to speak, I started dating this one girl and we've been dating for about a year now. I don't think that rebound relationships are always a bad thing, you may get out of a shitty relationship and date someone new and end up getting over your past and being really happy. Then again you could just move on to mindless hook ups for awhile, but hey, if that's the way you want to go, fine.
I think the best way is to wait a little while until your wounds are healed from the break up, and then see if you still want a relationship.
Rebounds depend on the relationship that happened before them...After this one guy that I was on and off with for a year, I started talking to different boys, enjoying being single but not taking anyone seriously. If I really liked the person, I wouldn't call the relationship a rebound. But I know some of my friends, after they break up with people they had strong feelings for, date a guy for a couple of weeks. I think people do it because after an emotional mess, they need to remember that there are others out there that can make them feel good about themselves...and that they are wanted, and they can find that feeling they had with the previous partner again. But that's just my opinon on it..
reboundee usually gets hurt. If anything if you have interest in the person, just be friends. Doesn't hurt to wait a few weeks/months.
To me, there are two types of post break up relationships: new relationships, and rebounds.
Rebounds are when you're feeling insecure, don't like being alone, and pick up the first guy that wants to spend any kind of time with you (sex, love, who cares? it's a warm body).
Then there are new relationships. These can technically be formed in the "rebound" time frame that many people think of, but they are not out of necessity or fear of being alone. They are because you just so happen to meet someone that is worth your time and emotions. And you truly desire to be in a relationship with this person, not just have them around for a heart beat.
That depends on how smart they were in picking the rebound. I really hate the idea of doing rebounds with just anybody, but I also understand that you need someone to fill a painful void the ex left from you.
I would say that people on the rebound are more susceptible to the positive attention they get from the people around them. Since they are 'injured' any good deed becomes a great deed sort of thing. Other than that, I think everything else in a rebound relationship is 'legit.'
For the person that is on the rebound, just keep in mind that your feelings are in a state of confusion and recognize that you may misinterpret feelings people have towards you? Beware of those people that 'comfort' you through alterior motives, but remember to thank those people who really do care.
For the person going after the person on the rebound (that sounds kind of confusing) it can be a time for you to show them how well you can treat them and how you can help them get past this difficult time in their lives.
@enterthelabyrinth@xanga -Â
I think you have it correct. Right after I broke up with my ex I started dating my current boyfriend, not because I "needed" somebody but because I had feelings for him. Everyone thought we were going to break up right away but now we've been together for over 3 years.Rebounds depend on the person and how things ended in the previous relationship.
In my experience, I've done only two rebounds. Both were short-lived. The reasons for them happening was because of the desire of being wanted and appreciated, and also as a way of trying to move on from my previous relationships. Now, I no longer do rebounds. I just move forward by doing things on my own and just wait till I'm finally over my past relationship.
But as the previous commenters have said, rebounds all depend on the person. Some don't work out and some do.
i think you need to be okay being by yourself (ie: single) before you can truly start seriously dating again. i constantly see people (mostly guys actually) who are searching for a relationship, and don't want to be without one... and they end up with someone they don't really like, just for the sake of having someone.
i was the rebound for about a week for one guy before he decided to go back with his ex, and it hurt like hell... so unless it's clear up front that it's a hook up, i think people on the rebound either need to take it slow or be VERY clear how they feel at the time.
How do we tell when ANY relationship is "legit"? I was in a relationship with my ex for nearly a year. It wasn't a rebound relationship for either one of us. I think both of us had honorable intentions. We shared a lot of important things in common. We enjoyed each others' company immensely. But we broke up because he couldn't commit to me any longer. He didn't see a future with me. He didn't love me as much as I loved him. In my worst moments after the breakup, I really did feel that our relationship wasn't "legit" at all. Maybe he didn't love me at all. Maybe he was just settling with me until something better came along.
After he broke up with me, he immediately started seeing someone else. Most people would probably say it was a rebound relationship for him. But now he and the girl have been dating for a couple of months. It is looking like a "legit" relationship. If he's already fallen madly in love with her, maybe his new relationship is more "legit" than mine ever was with him. And of course, the more "legit" their relationship becomes, the less "legit" I'll feel like ours was. Especially since his new girlfriend is someone who was flirting with him while we were still together (and I'm guessing he didn't do anything to discourage it), I might have to conclude that she wasn't a rebound at all. Maybe she was my replacement. (Not that an awesome girlfriend like myself could ever be replaced, of course! Haha.)
My point is to say that we can never know for sure what's going on in another person's head and heart. All we can do is be responsible for our own. I'm at an emotional state now where I can appreciate my relationship with my ex for what it was. I know what I felt. I know what I wanted with him. I know what our relationship meant to ME. And that's all that should matter, regardless of how he should handle his life.
@enterthelabyrinth@xanga - I agree.
I started dating my current boyfriend less than a month after my
boyfriend of almost three years left me, and started doing bf/gf-ish
things with him before that, so I suppose technically I was still "on
the rebound" when we started dating. That said, we've been together
for over 7 months now and I couldn't be happier.
When you are hurting from a break up, you are wounded. You will choose people who soothe the wounds. When I have hurt my arm, I will put ice on it, and use a sling. As it heals, those things will be irritating if they aren't stopped, so that the arm can move freely and get stronger. Rebound people will similarly be unfit for the healthier stride in life, if either we or they insist on trying to make it a long term relationship.
Where this has a possibility to be different is if the rebound person is someone who has been a loyal friend for a long time before the other relationship ended. My advice to someone who is interested in dating a person coming out of a relationship they thought would be "the last one"....enjoy some time together, but don't have sex or get too intense too soon. Let it all build with some slowness so that the health of the hurt one gets to return and you both can see where it can go.
Divorce is a whole other thing, since it involves a promise that dating doesn't. The promise of until death do us part. I don't know too many who marry anyone unless they thought that the relationship was solid and safe. Divorce admits that it wasn't what we thought it was, and that's where the real betrayal is. The damaged state is more intense for those who are divorcing, even if they are the ones who have initiated the end of the marriage. Again, be very wary of those coming out of a marriage. Wait until it's all finalized and they've had some time to find out what their new relationship with their ex will be before you can be sure they are focused on you as a partner.
If you are the one coming out of the marriage, likewise be certain that you aren't ready for a healthy relationship until you have a healthier perspective on your ex. Tread carefully even with a friend who has been around through the good times and bad times. You may be using them for your healing, and that's not fair or honest of you to do to a good friend.
I know someone with a rebound relationship and it's been going on strong for nearly 8 months now.
i've seen a lot of ppl w/ broken hearts b/c they've been a rebound.Â
I think it is important that both parties involved in a rebound are aware of the situation in order to avoid problems. It is good to take things slow after a break up, and getting over someone can take a long while. Why should you have to wait till you're completely over someone to get back in the game? I strongly feel that honesty is the best policy. Don't lead someone on if you're not sure about the relationship.
i think when someone is on the "rebound" he/she is trying to get over a relationship/person. Â so it is best to NOT be in another relationship because obviously that person on the "rebound" is not "ready" unless all you're looking for is some ass.
so, "rebound" shouldn't be an excuse to "take it slow" because one shouldn't be in another relationship already while being "rebounded".rebounds are just pathetic either way.
people use both reasons to justify it.