Thursday, 27 November 2008
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When A Guy Cannot Disclose His History or Feelings
This is a guest blog submitted by resolc. You're in a relationship with a guy (or girl, whatever) and everything is going great, apart from the fact that he is incapable of disclosing his past history and his "feelings" with you. You understand this, because you know that he is not a very open person, and that it takes time for this kind of stuff to progress. You're patient about it, and you try to help the situation by being more open about yourself, in hopes that he will feel safe enough to learn and do the same for you.
Except that he never does.
Would you see this as a dealbreaker? I mean, if the person genuinely wants to develop a connection with you, doesn't it mean that they would want to share their inner thoughts and past experiences with you?
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Comments (42)
If the person in your opinion is worth something in both the short term and the long term then I don't see why waiting would be such a burden. As a guy it isn't easy for disclosing the past I've had and am somewhat fearful that my past itself would be the dealbreaker because one might see it as a problem or a reason for issues or whatever.
Like most things in relationships you have to keep doing what you are doing, the things that make the other person see you the way they see you and in due time they will open up.
Opening up too early sometimes can hurt a relationship more then opening up later on.
But everybody has their own experiences I suppose
I don't think it should be a dealbreaker. I find it very difficult to talk about my past relationships. Sometimes, it's easier to let the past stay in the past. I am not trying to hide anything; I just have a hard time talking about it. I also have a hard time expressing how I feel, but I don't think it means that I have a less deep relationship with my SO. It's more important to understand that the other person has a hard time discussing these things, and accept it. Because I know that I don't express my emotions well, I make an extra effort to SHOW him how I feel. You don't have to know every aspect of the other person's past to truly know someone. Actions speak louder than words anyway. Maybe somewhere down the line, s/he will feel comfortable to talk about it, but I would not push it.
I tend to throw my history out there in the open. Every time.
It tends to drive away most women and only the good ones tend to stay.
But there always comes a point, for me at least, where I close up. You know enough, and I won't say anymore.
Most guys just aren't comfortable with it. We're taught to not wear our emotions on our sleeve.
You either deal with it or don't.
I don't think it's a dealbreaker. I think that most guys are just like that. It takes them more time than women to feel comfortable enough to open up, and sometimes you just have to be patient. Forcing them when they're still not ready is just going to make them more tensed about it.
sometimes it's not necessary to open pandora's box.
Hmm, I'm leaning 80/20 for saying it's not a dealbreaker. On one hand he's just not comfortable talking about his past (which is understandable) and perhaps you will just need to wait longer. On the other hand, if you're truly that impatient and are worry about what he has to hide, than I can sorta understand it if you don't want to stick with him.
In the end, I would say if you truly care about him and expect to be with him for a while, it should not be a dealbreaker. Just be understanding for the time being.
Sometimes people want (or need) to leave the past in the past. Unless it's something crucial (like an STD), I wouldn't see it as a dealbreaker. Some people just don't like to talk.
I'm like that. I'm not really good at "saying" what I'm feeling. It's just that way for some people.
as far as feelings go, i'd be afraid of scaring her away. i feel like there are some things your girl shouldn't know. plus, i generally don't like to publicly acknowledge any (major) fears or weaknesses.
girls stick with guys for security (amongst many other reasons). so why would she stay with you if you can't provide that?
definitely not be a deal breaker. I'm not sure how long you've waited to hear some stories/past about him. But if it's worth it, he'll open up in no time.
Sometimes, it doesn't hurt to bring it up.
"...everything is going great, apart from the fact that he is incapable of disclosing his past history and his "feelings" with you."
Riddle me this...
Are you fucking stupid?
How is this a relationship? Everything is great except for the part where he doesn't tell me how he feels about things...Communication of feelings via text, body language and actions usually convey how one feels, but if he's a shut in, why do you keep trying? Did Daddy not talk to you much?
Do you guys just fuck? If that's the case, who care's how he feels for you...
If you guys don't just fuck, then maybe you should start because you shouldn't have to make up for someone's social ineptness...Why cater to him? He needs to learn how to talk about how he feels, otherwise, get used to it...
Is it a dealbreaker for me? Not if we're just fucking...
Most important question is, "Is it a dealbreaker for YOU?"
It's not does he *want* to share, it's *IS* he sharing with you...Without that, you have nothing...
wow you have excellent points on your blog. I love it. lol.
Haha i think, honestly, that a relationship is a partnership. Two people who enjoy eachother's company and get along really well should be open and honest with eachother. If you're business partners, you should know if they've stolen company money or falsified company records. In a relationship... you're taking a risk when there's things you don't know.
Without an emotional connection... the relationship probally wont be too fulfilling. But if he truly is someone you want to persue, some people just need a little time.
He's probably a serial killer. I don't want to know. So silence is golden. His duck tape: silver.
To me it's a big dealbreaker.
If someone can't do something as simple as tell me their feelings, or even give me some insight into his past, he's not worth my time.
I want my partner to be able to share his life with me, and not being able to open up isn't going to cut it in my book.
I mean, what's he hiding?
And why is he hiding it?
Even if it is just a fear of opening up, why would I want someone who's afraid to open up?
@whatyourBFreallythinks@xanga - LOL you're really enjoying datingish, aren't you? ;)
I actually just got of a relationship because of this exact situation happening. Honestly I thought I saw it going long term, and I tried to be understanding and waiting for the guy, however in the end he never really opened up and it was a deal breaker.
A relationship needs to be built upon communication and trust and in this case, the communication was one sided. There came a point where I recognized that the relationship wasn't emotionally fulfilling because there were not open lines of communication.
I understand waiting around for perhaps a bit if someone has a hard time opening up, but there also has to come a point at which the lines of communication need to open up or the relationship needs to stop, because without the communication, it really isn't a relationship at all.
definitely not a dealbreaker, but there must be some underlying issue. He'll probably disclose it eventually. Plus, boyfriends don't usually like to hear about a girl's past boyfriends.
He's a guy. He probably doesn't even understand how important it is for you to know. Guys don't really care as much about that stuff as girls. It's that simple.
I strongly feel that if a person wants a true connection with you, that would involve sharing all that there is. My boyfriend and I are on that sort of basis. We share what's on our hearts, minds, anything. To love someone is to be there no matter what, and to have no need to hide a thing. My boyfriend and I are totally open with each other, and that is something that has brought us to the place we are at in our relationship. Hiding things can only end in hurt.
My exact situation (Pretty much).. He refuse to open up, he absolutely finds it hard to share any type of emotions or feelings... It puts such a stress on our relationship! Ive waited long enough... about to b a year in a couple months and I keep saying Imma move on but I still haven't officially done so!
It took my bf over a year to really open up and start sharing things with me, but the whole time he treated me with utmost respect and I thought he was worth the wait. Same thoughts went thru my mind as you posted but in the end it was all worth it. Most man that need time to open up are the greatest. Think bout it how special you need to be in order for him to share. You know if he does its means something, you know that some random chick that comes along wont be able to know things that he will share with you. That connection will be special. I think its just for him opening up means sharing himself, for many sadly its just a couple of stories over dinner. Patience is a virtue :)
No, it's not (entirely) a dealbreaker for me. It can take people a long, long time to open up about things, and sometimes they never do and I think that's fine. However, there's a difference between not opening up about some things and just plain not opening up about hardly anything at all. If he didn't tell me anything I'd feel like there was a big trust issue. The part of your life before being together is still a part of the relationship; it in part defines you who you are. Without some disclosure it's hard to make a truly deep connection, mutual trust, intimacy, etc.
When a guy can be himself around me & be able to confide in me on things he normally won't share with friends, that's when I know there's a possibility of a future together.
I did that with my boyfriend during our "dating" period. I was hesitant to start anything with him & I had prayed about it because of this reason.. & then a month later, I find him sobbing in front of me. That was more than I had bargained for but it was a beautiful sight. I think that's when I realized that I could spend forever with him.. & when I started falling for him.
When he's ready he will do it. It takes a lot for some men to really reveal their innermost thoughts and talk about past experiences. But if there's one thing I know, when a man is in love with you and feels close to you, he'll share with you some of his personal past experiences, like a favorite childhood memory.
To answer your question, it's not a dealbreaker; some things just take time.
that's more of a friendship than anything else.
Maybe the past experience is something that he doesn't want to revisit at all. And perhaps it is that past experience that made him not being able to share his inner thoughts with you. With time and patience, he will be able to share his inner feeling with you, however, as far as his past goes. You might just have to let just be past. After all, the future is what is important, not the past. No need to look in the rear-view mirror.