Wednesday, 26 November 2008
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My BF's Putting Off Moving In with Me, Proposing
This is a guest blog submitted by sjnjld0716.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost three and a half years. On our one year anniversary, he gave me a promise ring. Ever since then he's been saying, "Oh, it'll be a year until I propose." But the date keeps getting pushed back and new excuses keep being made, too.
The current excuse is that he wants to live together before we get engaged, which I understand and respect. The only thing is, we were supposed to get an apartment together last winter, which turned in to spring, which turned in to this fall, which turned in to next spring, which is now next summer or fall.
Now, I am in no way ready to get married, but I'm ready to be engaged and be at that level in our relationship. I understand and respect that he wants to wait to pop the question until we move in together, but how long am I going to have to wait to move in? Everything keeps getting pushed back and I feel like I'm the only one who wants to take things to the next level.
How long do you think is a good amount of time to wait before getting engaged? What steps need to be taken before this even happens? Why do you think he keeps giving excuses for this big part of our life together?
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Comments (36)
Why don't you both get married? I read somewhere that most people who live together never end up getting married..I lived with one of my boyfriends for about 16 long years..and I ended up NOT wanting to be with him for the rest of my life!
I found love on the internet..years later..and I asked that man to marry me..to which he reasked me..because he is an old fashioned guy..and hey, it worked for me! LOL!We got married July 4th, 2006, and have been happy ever since!!
Maybe you might want to seriously rethink about the marriage thing.Yes, it is a bit more serious..but, if you are in love ..then it was definitely MEANT to be!(sorry for the mini lecture..I realize I do NOT know you..or even that well, but, I wanted to put my two cents in this...for what I can say here!!)
Peace, lilbrnbear
What guy tells you that he's going to propose? Shouldn't it be a surprise?
You need to just flat out ask him what's up. Just wondering about it isn't going to get you anywhere. You deserve answers.There are so many factors to consider on how much time is a good amount before getting engaged. If you two have already been together for 3.5 yrs why do you feel like you need to be engaged right now? You're not ready to get married yet and engagements usually lead to marriage even though the length of an engagement may vary. Maybe he just isn't ready to take that next step in the relationship. I wish you the best of luck.
I feel like--in spite of the fact that he said he's going to do it--this is still pretty presumptuous of you.
I would encourage doing the whole marriage thing before the whole moving in thing. If he can't commit to marriage, it's probably pretty likely that he won't be sticking around forever (especially after 3.5 years and all the talk you guys have shared about it). I would probably suggest something more like asking him what's up with the whole "future" thing, and tell him he's going to have to either man up or man out.
Be careful. A lot of stuff ends up on eBay or Craigslist because people move in with each other before they actually make "those" commitments to each other.
If I were you, I'd initiate the move.
I'd get a local paper and look for available apartments, and all that.
To me, engagement doesn't mean anything more than simply dating. I know a few people who are engaged, and I know that my boyfriend and I are much closer to each other than they are. They just have rings and titles that we don't have for each other.
Don't rush, but don't sit back and make him initiate everything, either.
I feel as though he may just be making excuses. What if you two move in together and it keeps being put aside? It sounds as though you already have your mind made up about living together, but if I were you, I wouldn't. I've lived with two boyfriends and it don't get any better living with them. Marriage is a reason to stay together and fight through it because you know you love each other and vowed to always stay together. It's a lot easier to leave or argue when there aren't any ties...
Good luck Girl!
DO NOT move in together without getting married. Sounds to me like neither one of you are ready to commit to each other and you are more interested in playing house.
When you're both ready to have a full blown relationship, get married, and start your married life together. Until then decide if YOU want to get married or not, and if you are ready, and he is not, you should consider if he is right for you.
@JazzedUpArcher@xanga - Yeah I agree! I've have multiple men tell me they were going to get me rings and marry me someday, and I call them all "ex" now :]
My fiance and I were dating for 4 years before we got engaged. He moved in with me six months later. I don't think moving in first is a good idea. It also seems a little weird that he keeps pushing things back and pushing things back.
It's really hard to say what he's thinking in regards to this. I don't think you're wrong in wanting to get a move on with your life, but I think that this is a delicate matter. If he isn't ready and you are, that's something you're really going to have to talk about between the two of you. Finding out what is best for your relationship and you individually will shed more light on what actions should be taken.
There is no prescribed time that makes a person ready to be engaged. It's about the person being emotionally ready and the relationship maturing to a stage of commitment. If he keeps pushing it back and making excuses, perhaps he is just not ready. Maybe his reasons and concerns are legitimate. Either way, if he is not ready, you should not push it. If he gives in, he may resent you for it. If he doesn't give in, you may resent him for it. For now, if you are together and happy, what does the title matter - girlfriend, fiance, wife? If it is something that is a dealbreaker for you, then you need to talk to him about. Communication is key.
if it's something important and he's not taking it seriously, then give him an ultimatum(sp?). make it or break it. that's what i've seen done, or else you really can't make a guy do something he's not ready to do.
As others have said there is no set time - it's when you are both ready. If he's not it might be that he needs more time or that he's questioning whether he wants to be married to you. I had a friend who was dating a guy for almost four years and ready to move to another city with him because she thought they were going to get married but he never had any intention of marrying her and finally told her. My partner and I had been together for maybe 3 & a 1/2 years and we talked about getting married, our needs and expectations, and he 'proposed' (really we had already decided that we were going to get married) and moved in with me a few months later. We lived together for a year before getting married because we were negotiating the way the event would take place (our parents were hoping for something bigger, we wanted something smaller).
Anyway, it is different for every couple and I think what it comes down to is that you can't push it. If you want to be married and you feel that he's holding out then you should ask yourself and him - is this right for the both of you? What does marriage and engagement mean for the both of you and how does it 'change' your relationship? For me neither even really changed my relationship, after all, we fully intended on being with one another in the long-term.
moving in together is definitely a step in the right direction. you get to start to have a more mature relationship. my guy and i have been together for a long long long time. he started looking for places for us(i didn't bring it up) and then he kept putting it off because of "financial reasons" on his part...which is understandable...money problems can tear anything apart...however, at this point i feel like unless i somehow manage to buy a house at 23 he's never going to leave his cheap rent and crazed roomates. my boy also constantly talks about us marriage kids buying houses together and all that jazz...i don't think your being presumptuous i think thats how he really feels...maybe he's just having trouble stepping up to the plate...it may be to soon to pop the question but it's not too soon to be thinking about it and wanting to have a "big girl" relationship...time for a talk!
It really depends on how old you are and how many serious relationship you have had in the past. Moving in together or marriage would be a very serious committment, and most men are afraid of that.
Moving in together is not a good idea if you're looking to get proposal out of him. Why bother getting married if you already live together and he's getting everything he wants from you?
As for "why won't he propose"...if it's such a big deal: YOU propose to him. Quit pushing the guy.
I don't it's right for a couple who to move in together before getting engaged. That should be the other way around. If you two fall out after living together with no proposal and no marriage in the horizon, the pain will be a hundred times stronger.
weird, i'm currently reading "he's just not that into you" and there's a chapter called "he's just not that into to you if he won't marry you"
this sounds like an example from that chapter :/
There's no rule that states that you have to get engaged and married after x amount of years.
Living together, getting engaged, getting married, none of that gaurantees you happily ever after. My advice, let him know how you feel but don't push him for anything he isn't ready for.
If you love him enough to wait till he's ready; then you wait. If not, there are always other fish in the sea; reel em in, fry em up, and have yourself another serving.
whenever that both of you are ready for it in every aspect I think.
my gosh people this is EXACTLY why the divorce rates are so high.... why on earth are you all SO caught up about ultimatums and deadlines and time limits. why is there such a necessity and emphasis on "we MUST get engaged" CHILL.
ive been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years as well and i know i want to marry him, but right now there's just no money for a ring, no money to buy a place together so it has to wait. i am completely for marrying and i think its so important, but why are you all in such a rush? if you're with the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with then whats the rush to put a ring around the finger?
as i mentioned, i love my boyfriend more than life itself, but i marrying is a huge step and im not sure if im ready for it yet (partly because im still young, 20) so maybe he loves you and really wants to propose but he just doesn't feel ready for it yet....
i totall agree with di_ya@xanga.
If youre not ready for marriage, I would just chill and enjoy the relationship as it is. Is there a reason why he doesnt want to move in? Is it the economy? Does he see moving in as something to do right before you get married and he doesnt want to get married just yet? You should suggest moving in and find out, for real, why he doesnt want to move in. And then you should question why you want to move in with him. Just the act of moving in doesnt necessarily prove his commitment. Just have a lil talk with him about your relationship in general. Definitely don't push him unless this whole not moving in issue is hurting you so much that you are prepared to leave him if he doesnt want to move in. But yeah things happen and people change.
The best for both of you.
Ask him why he's putting it off. And not during a time when you're already frustrated with him. Make it a point to sit down and talk as two adults who are in a relationship and should be able to communicate to one another. And you have to make the decision before you talk to him what your reaction will be. If it is a non-negotiable for you to get married and he never wants to, then are you really compatible? Don't keep on hanging on thinking you'll change his mind because that will just make you resent him. If he's this aloof about everything, doesn't sound like he's too interested in changing how things are.
Go find an apartment, do the legwork and find something that would work for both of you in location, etc and then tell him what you found and let him know the deadline for making a decision (not an ultimatum, but just the information on when the place will no longer be available) and see what his reaction is.
Honey, after three and a half years, unless the two of you started dating when you were 14 and are still very young now, it's time to fish or cut bait. He's making excuse after excuse, effectively pushing things back over and over again, and as a result, he's managed to put off moving in with you for over a year and a half, if you count up to the time (this coming fall, if I'm understanding correctly) when he says he'll be ready to do it. And what's worse is, since he's saying he can't propose until you live together for a while, he's really putting off TWO big things, not just one.
I know you say you're not ready to get married right NOW, but you have to think towards your future. What if you ARE ready to get married in a year and a half? That means that you really should be out there in the dating game NOW so you can meet your future husband, date him for a year and a half, and when you're ready, marry him. Make sense?
Even if the idea of being with anyone else doesn't appeal, I think you at least need to start laying down the law with him. I know ultimatums have gotten a bad rap, but if you start being less available to him, perhaps even ask to "take a break to think about some things, including the future of the relationship", then you'll create a moment of truth for him. He'll have to decide if he wants to move forward, or let go. Either way, you'll ultimately end up in a position to be with someone--him or another man--who is ready to move at your pace.
Good luck!