Wednesday, 26 November 2008
-
Do I Need to Tell Every Guy That I Have A Boyfriend?
This is a guest blog submitted by a Datingish reader.
I'm slightly perturbed about my boyfriend's response to my dilemma today... it wasn't what I expected at all. I'm aware that my BF seems to get slightly "protective" of me, especially if the situation concerns guys, but I'm wondering whether what he wants is a little over the top. There've been a few incidents involving guys recently where my BF has expressed his "disappointment" in my responses to the situations.
The first incident was when my friend "Stan" texted me to ask me if I was in his area. Stan and I have been friends for four years, and it is an extremely platonic relationship. He's one of my few guy friends that I value because I know he would never cross the line, and our catch-up dinners or hang-outs usually involve sharing stories about whatever dating shenanigans or relationship woes are going on in our lives. In fact, he's explicitly stated how he's impressed by our no-sexual-tension-friendship, and I agree; it's a great friendship that's golden based on the fact that we're just completely not interested in each other in "that way."
Anyway, so he texts me on Friday night, saying that he's getting drunk in preparation for his upcoming law school finals, and was asking if I was in the area in case I wanted to join him. We've been out drinking together before (actually most of our catch-ups involve drinks, but he doesn't ask me to hang out and drink in "that way," which is exactly how my BF took it). And on the note of opposite sex friends, my BF has quite a number of female friends himself, and I don't understand why he seems to get particularly huffy with mine when I'm pretty accepting of his.
My second incident was today... my job involves working with people who have disabilities, and yeah, the spectrum of people's capabilities varies a lot. I got asked to lunch by a client who seemed a little taken by me, and honestly, it took me a few minutes to figure out that catching lunch might have been him asking me out. Obviously, for me there's a conflict of interest, but regardless of the particular individual, if someone asks me to lunch, my first assumption isn't always to think "oh hey, they like me." I feel that it would be a stuck up thing to immediately assume they're interested and shoot them down. For the most part, I'm just a friendly, smiley person, especially at work, and I'm like that with everyone! I don't flirt, I'm just respectful and nice to anyone who walks through the door.
My BF seems to believe that any interaction of mine and any guys that I know, whether it be friends, co-workers, whoever, should always involve my stating that I have a boyfriend. He felt that for my friend "Stan," I should have said, "Oh, I'm hanging out with my BF, I can't go out." I, on the other hand, feel like that's weird, especially when Stan is well aware and respectful of the fact that I have a boyfriend. In general, it always feels completely awkward to seemingly pull the BF card out of nowhere and place it into the situation. I feel that I can handle the situation without having to shout to everyone that my BF is a main variant.
I understand where he's coming from and his feelings about it, but at the same time, it isn't my style, and it has nothing to do with being ashamed of him or hiding the fact. My BF is important to me; I love him, and people in my life know I'm with him and that we've been together.
Especially with the situation of today, I'm a little more hurt that he couldn't understand that the lunch incident made me uncomfortable. I'm not a confrontational person, and I'd rather try to let people down easily and let them salvage their pride than having to shoot them down immediately with "oh, I have a BF, sorry..." In fact, it usually doesn't occur to me that they're hitting on me - I have to stress that I don't like being presumptuous. Maybe I'm being naive in hoping it can be handled differently. That maybe they'll get the hint in some other way, and that we can just pretend it was something innocent versus their trying to hit on me.
So here's the thing... should I always state up front that I have a boyfriend, and is my BF right in that this should always be a factor in any of my responses? O r am I justified in feeling that in most cases it is unnecessary to hold it up in blinking letters to everyone?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (46)
Sorry but that's lame. Just because a guy wants to hang out, have lunch or dinner with you, it doesn't necessarily mean they want to hook up. *rolls eyes* Your bf seriously needs to stop being so damn insecure. I'm a girl and I've debated on how/when I should announce that I have a BF. So if a coworker asked me out for lunch, what am I supposed to say? "I have a BF"??? If I were the guy, I'd be like what?! WTF did that come from?!
Anyways, your bf needs to stop being so damn insecure. AND if you don't know how to answer, then just make up excuses the next time someone asks you out. Be coy about it or something... "Thanks, but can I take a rain check? I'm supposed to call my boyfriend and remind him to do something for me" or something lame. Polite excuse yet making the announcement that you are NOT single and available for pick up.
... Does your BF preface his interactions with his female friends with the fact that he has a girlfriend?
That seems quite a bit over the top. I only announced the boyfriend factor if they were blatantly wiping the drool, because yeah, not every guy is interested 'in that way'. It seems your bf is a bit insecure in your relationship... and it seems more than a bit hypocritical if he has female friends of his own. =/
I guess I'd just talk to your bf about it- if he can't believe your assurances of your affections for him, then no amount of announcing your relationship will abate that.
it sounds pretty hypocritical, seeming as you said he has a bunch of girl friends.
geez, tell him to get that stick out of his ass (well, not really! haha). i guess just let him know that it's annoying and restrictive to you, and tell him how it makes you feel that he does this. i can't assume, but if that happened to me, i would feel objectified or like property, needed to have tabs kept. i'm sure if he understands how it's impacting you negatively, he'll try to be more understanding about his overprotectiveness.
Quite a paranoid boyfriend you have there. I say you keep doing what you're doing. There's nothing wrong with "omitting" the fact that you have a boyfriend when the situation doesn't beg to know if you do or don't [in most cases you say nothing anyway].
Guys tend to think I'm a pretty cool chick to talk to [I'm friendly/smiley too] so they ask me to hang out with them, but I usually try dodging the opportunity just because I generally don't like hanging out with boys other than my boyfriend or other close guy friends. I don't, however, ever suddenly say, "I have a boyfriend" unless they ask, which some of them have done before. Or sometimes my boyfriend comes up. But not always, since they don't seem to pry that much.
Anyway, ask your boyfriend how he would feel if you wanted him to tell any female friend of his that he's taken whenever they want to hang out, if you haven't already.
just a simple reassurance would work, and a ring on your ring finger would help. the way he acted was probably due to the fact that he thinks you're "the shit" and he's afraid of losing you since you're such a great catch (no sacasm). at the same time he's a bit insecure about himself which is normal if he thinks you're "the shit". introduce "stan" to him because i think it'll help with the insecurities. as far as the other guys, just casually mention about your boy.
but this is all coming from a guy's point of view. but you haven't done anything wrong and i do think that you're allow to do whatever you want. but if you want this relationship to work, there must be compromises. he's gotta let it go, and you've gotta reassure him a bit.
OMG! I am in the same spot you are.
My bf gets overly protective when i just TALK to guys.
anyway. good post. im reading other repsonses as well
goodluck =]
my advice...just hang out. if he makes a big deal about then tell him its not a big deal.
honestly, we just want more friends? whats wrong with that?
He seems a little insecure...If you reply every lunch invitation with "oh i have a boyfriend" people might think you are too full of yourself. haha
You shouldn't be drinking exclusively with members of the opposite sex when you have a significant other. Drinking impairs your inhibitions and regardless of your history, I think it's acceptable of your boyfriend to be bothered by that.
Your boyfriend needs to let go and trust that you're not going to cheat. There's nothing wrong with hanging out with opposite-sex friends.
It should be clear that you are involved to your friends (people you would be hanging out with, anyway). And if you feel like someone is hitting on you, you are NOT obligated to mention your bf to get out of it. Sometimes, it can be a great tool, when people are making me uncomfortable. But unless YOU feel that it's necessary, don't let HIM tell you what to do.
I actually see this from somewhere in between. My girlfriend is beautiful. She's incredibly attractive physically, and even more so "on the inside". She likes to see the best in people, and she wants to be everyone's friend.
Guys hit on my girlfriend all the time. Sometimes they do it right in front of me. My girlfriend NEVER realizes when they're hitting on her. We've actually fought about it several times, and I've always been proven right (being something of a masterful flirt myself, hence why she's dating me lol, I know when a guy is hitting on someone). In fact, we broke up for a short time and, immediately after, one of the guys who she told me saw her as a "little sister" asked her out. Imagine that.
All that being said, though, he has to realize that you're a big girl. If you aren't at all tempted to cheat on him or date someone else, you need to simply reassure him and let him deal with it. If he's hanging out with girls other than you, I would ask him to consider what his problem is and ask if it's appropriate for him to have those relationships.
Basically, his fears probably aren't entirely unjustified. It isn't so much that he doesn't trust you necessarily, but he knows how guys operate. I can tell you that, when I was single, every single girl was a prospective girlfriend, not even intentionally. That's just the way guys think (well, girlfriend implies relationship, so maybe lover?). It's not that guys are necessarily intentional about these things, they just happen. In my own case, I try to avoid hanging out with girls who aren't in relationships themselves, or with whom there is SO chance of anything ever happening (you know what I mean). If I do hang out with girls, I try to include my girlfriend in those times. All that I ask of her is that she be vigilant about what guys are saying and doing around her. I'm sure you're not much different from my girlfriend in that you're probably desirable, and guys probably do hit on you alot. You like to give them the benefit of the doubt, but in reality, you're just setting them up for hurt (or yourself for a lot of guilt and confusion).
Be understanding of your BF's fears, but don't become a recluse because of them. Reassure him, let him meet and hang out with the guys you're spending time with. He'll still be fearful (he apparently cares about you alot), but he'll see that you're making an effort and will be able to deal with it a lot better.
I don't think you should have to state that you're taken with every person you're interacting with.. that's just awkward. If a guy is hitting on you and it is something that would be considered questionable, then I think it's ok to state that you are taken. Many of the people I spend time with know I have a boyfriend, but if I meet a new guy or run into someone I haven't seen in a while, I don't right away say something about my boyfriend to make it "ok" that i'm with them. If your boyfriend is wanting you to tell everyone about your relationship, maybe he's too insecure. I think it is important to talk to him about this and let him know your feelings about it. Good luck! :D
does your bf tell you everything that he does and will do when he goes out with his chick friends?
i'm in the same boat. i hate it. though the difference with me is that my bf actually does tell me who he's going out with and what they're planning to do. i'm the one who's always a tad vague. not on purpose, i just don't find it important. so i talked to a guy who just so happened to be in my class (which is rare cause i'm in social work, but still).
you shouldn't have to tell them you have a bf all the time. but....you should tell people you have one IF the occassion calls for one.
that lunch thing with a client? obviously you reject them on the basis that you work with him. there shouldn't be a need to tell him you have a bf.
Here's where the 15 Minute Rule comes in handy: if you're talking with someone and your conversation is going on longer than 15 minutes; or if your conversations with a person has totaled over 15 minutes and you're likely going to see that person again, you should have mentioned a BF. And, if the significant other is a big part of your like, mentioning him should be very simple and not awkward at all. For instance if you're talking about restaurants: My BF and I really love this Korean Grill place on Queen St.
haha looks like someone is on the same boat with me.
1 - he is super jealous
2 - he doesn't trust you
3 - he is scared to death to lose you
4 - he thinks hes not good enough for you
5 - he thinks you are "too nice"
6 - he wants you all to himself
7 - he doesn't want you to "accidentally" lead any guys on"
and the list sorta goes on. you get the idea
i guess depending on what really had happened before between you guys and how deep your relationship are, you probably will have to let people know that you have a boyfriend (say to people who doesnt know like your clients or someone like that)
see i've learned that guys are like dogs (sorry but this is a perfect metaphor) they like to mark their territory. they are super jealous. and these alpha dogs will never ever let anyone else lay one hand/word on their property (don't worry. they don't really view you as property. it's just a metaphor)
i also have learned that guys believe girls and guys cannot be "just friends" because to them, a female friends is just consider as "a girl i have not fuck yet" yes they believe every guy wants to have sex with you, or at least thought of it once.
tell me if i am wrong but thats just what i have heard, and learned.
not fair?
i know.
but what can you do?
you can always talk to them. both the male friends and boyfriend.
it never worked for me. so right now i just have friends that he knows, and vice versa.
not a healthy thing. but we are working on it.
good luck to you
The only time I tell someone I have a boyfriend is if they a.) ask b.) Do something that could lead to them thinking I was into them c.) They invade my personal space.
Other than that, they can just find out on their own.
Well... no. Not unless it's obvious they're actually hitting on you, in which case, politely let them know you're currently in a committed relationship.
I never assume that someone is hitting on me simply because they're being nice.
That aside, you should tell your BF to lighten up and put more faith in you.
@OstentatiousEloquence@xanga - I disagree, drinking does not rob everyone of their will nor does it transform every friend into a potential fling.
@la_magdalena@xanga - There's enough exceptions to that argument that I find it acceptable to respect her boyfriend's insecurities towards the situation.
telling every guy who crosses your path that you have a boyfriend is a huge turnoff. even if they just wanted to get lunch, they would be like wtf o_O why is she telling me this. I mean it wouldn't hurt to mention it while at lunch, because you never know, the guy could be in to you. if a guy is obviously asking you on a date, then you should tell him ;)
i definitely believe you arent ever obligated to mention your boyfriend. you can handle yourself, and your boyfriend shouldnt feel so threatened, especially since you obviously are all about him!! :]
I usually just mention to any guy that I talk to that I have a boyfriend, unless I am intrested in them I try not to mention it. Not that I would do anything though, but I don't know.. I just dont mention it.
your bg should give you a t shirt to wear that says: I have a bf!
YES! This stops other guys from getting their hopes up! I always found that mandatory out of women who I talk to.
I want my boyfriend to mention me when talking to girls, just like I mention him when talking to guys, but really that's only with new friends, or new people.
I'll slip in a funny story about my boyfriend, or just slip a small mention into the conversation. I do it early on so they don't waste a bunch of time trying to flirt with me, and they back off quickly while still being friendly. You're not shouting, "I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!" as soon as someone approaches you, but it makes you look like you're really involved with your boyfriend, didn't notice they were making a pass at you, and it can keep the conversation going for a few more minutes.
It'd really ease the tension with your guy if you just slipped him in there. If you try not to mention him, it makes it seem to him that you're trying something.