Dr. Datingish
My ex-boyfriend and I broke up a few months ago, but we've remained on good terms. We still hang out from time to time and talk online a few times a week. I don't think this is a big deal because when we were dating, we saw each other a few times a week and talked most days on the phone if we didn't see each other that day (we're in college and we live near each other, so it's not that difficult to do). Obviously, we have less contact now.
I don't know how important the details of our breakup are, but in short, we both just realized that we weren't compatible as a couple even though we get along. As for my feelings for him, I only see him as a friend, and during our courting period, I was never sure if it was love or not. Even though we dated for nearly a year, we never managed to say the L-word concretely to each other, although it may be because I am unsure of what the meaning of that word is (another post for another writer). I once described my relationship to a friend of mine as "dating and making out with a good friend".
Anyway, now that you know about my history, my friends have remarked that it is weird that I am still close to my ex. Tonight, my roommate said that it was like I still had a boyfriend but without the official title, PDA, or spending late nights together.
The event that prompted her to say this was that earlier that night, I was over at his place and he had made me dinner (it was simple, just chicken and potatoes, no candlelight, so don't jump to conclusions) and his roommate joined us at the table. It was not an awkward situation and we just joked and talked about current events. I felt like it was like any other dinner I would have with other friends. My roommate also said that exes as friends never really works out, even though it's been going well so far. So my questions are as follows:
1) Is it that peculiar that my ex and I hang out once in a while (once every one to two weeks is my guess)?
2) Do friendships with people you have been involved with in the past last?
It matters to me because I am afraid I may be sending out the wrong message for any of our potential suitors. Although I am not interested in dating at the moment, if he meets someone new who is threatened by me (which I can understand because we can all get insecure), I would definitely limit the amount of time we talk and spend together. I would even stop altogether because in the end, we all have lots of friends, but only one special someone, and if he meets someone who could be that, I refuse to ruin it.
Anyway, thank you very much for any feedback and advice you have for me.
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Comments (41)
You seem very considerate and mature. I am one of those people who believe that exes can never really be friends, but if you never had any really strong feelings for him maybe your friendship will work out, especially if you two didn't have sex. I would never want to be friends with any of my exes, because I wouldn't want old feelings to come back and also it I consider it disrespectful to any current SO. You are right in thinking it may cause problems for any new suitors, starting to date someone new and learning they still hang out with their ex frequently is a major turn off.
This is a very interesting situation, and is very common.
I think that you're maintaining a healthy relationship with your ex. If the two of you are comfortable being around each other as "just friends", then I think it should just continue like you are.
Friends make meals for each other quite often, in my experience, so why would that night be any different? Especially as your roommate was there to share, there's nothing weird about it in my book.
The very fact that you're able to do this shows that the both of you are very mature and secure in your lives which will only bode well for any future relationships that the two of you will have.
My one caveat would be that as long as neither one of you harbors any intentions or hopes of the two of you getting back together, then carry on as you are I say!
In short:
- no, it's not peculiar
- in my experience, I've only been able to stay friends with my one of my exes, but I think that says more about my judgment of girlfriends then anything else.
It is great that you have been able to maintain a friendship with your ex. It is not weird, it means that you are mature enough to set aside whatever those old feelings were. Friendships between exes can work so long as you both work at it. Friendships, just like any other relationship, require effort on both sides to work. If you are both ready and comfortable with each other to remain friends, there is nothing wrong with that. Any future suitors on either side should be understanding of that friendship. Sometimes, friendships between exes can be stronger because of the unique bond and intimacy you once shared.
I was very much in love with my ex when we were together, and he was in love with me. When things didn't work out I was frightened that I had not only lost the person I loved, but lost one of my best friends. Because we did not end on bad terms, I did not loose him as a friend. We talk on the phone and email, and I even mailed him a birthday present. Being friends has been working for us. I am seeing someone new (nothing super serious) and he sees other people; talking about those people was weird at first, but we are still friends and it still works for us. I have been honest with the person I am seeing about it all, and he has not seemed at all threatened. Since you did not have those strong feelings to start with, it should be even easier for you.
I have a few exes that I'm friends with and I think as long as the romantic feelings are gone it should be ok.
With ex #1, we've been friends for 8 yrs since we broke up, a bit awkward and hateful at first, but now we joke around and help each other out.
With ex #2, we're really great friends. She comes to me with her boy problems, and we joke and flirt with each other knowing it's really not going to get anywhere.
When it comes to girls being friends w/ their exes for me, I guess the best way I can put it is that I'm "tolerant" of the situation. It'll be a case by case basis, but if I feel that they're too close for comfort, it could push me away.
I've only mentioned 2 exes I'm friends with but there are a few more, we're just more casual friends, however, we all have a mutual understanding that if our future perspectives has an issue w/ us being friends, that we would put our friendship on hold and temporarily cut contact.
So...I guess bottom line is that it's important to have a mutually understanding of your situation so one may not be wanting more than the other.
I wish I can be like you
Thats a great relationship - cause you didnt really loose anything
You're still have your friend and its great you guys are still close without making it arkward
I've lost a couple of great friends*
Cause of the "You cant be friends with you Ex" rules and it just sucks
Cause why cant we be friend?
I dont know - some people find it really hard and they just have to cut off ALL TIES** and pretend the other person dont exist
I aint that harsh - i cant do that, i want them to remain as my friends still -- but i guess they thought otherwise
I don't think it's that particular that you remain friends with your ex-boyfriend, because really...it depends on you and him. If the both of you are okay with it, then it's fine. Don't let the other people get to you (in that way).
I have several scenarios, that are...in a way similar to your situation.
First, my 2nd ex broke up with me about 2 years ago. We broke up on good terms, but the break-up itself was really bad (but that's a story for another time.) We remain as friends -- we hung out every time when he came home from school, there were several occasions where he'd cook me breakfast/dinner, called each other and other things. Just like you, when we were dating....we saw each other rarely once every one or two weeks. But remember, it's almost been two years that we've broken up. Not much has really happen to us...per say, but we rarely talk to each other anymore. I think we're SLOWLY drifting away from each other now.
Second, I was with my FIRST ex-boyfriend for 4 years. We broke up a few years ago. We didn't talk for 2 years for the post breakup, but now we're good buddies.
Third, my current boyfriend is friends with his ex-girlfriend. They broke up 5 years ago...and for the last five years, he's remain to stay good friends with her.
So, it just really depends how you both are. I think you're good and you shouldn't worry about it too much.
Wow, I apologize if I wrote too much. I just wanted to share my experience with you, haha. I hope this will kinda help because I know that everyone is different and each situation can be altered differently. So, good luck!
i dunno, people change over time and sometimes ya outgrow the exes, even as friends.
I think if both parties are mature enough about it being good friends afterwards can happen after some time has past. Bad break-ups any other random factors can complicate things, whereas being good friends before dating can help the friendship process more natural after you have broken up.
I'm personally cool with all my exes and would hang out with them if they were around the area and called me up. Past is past, time to move on to the next chapters of our lives
I used to say "sure, you can totally be friends with your ex" and while I say that, I find it really difficult. I've remained "friends" with one of my ex's. We broke up over a year and a half ago, but our "friendship" is rather rocky and quite hateful at times. We mostly only talk online but occasionally see eachother. The problem is both though. I don't know how to be his friend and he doesn't know how to not ask me out. I think if you both don't have a problem with it and you both don't have any feelings still there, then...it's all good. I think it depends completely on the situation and the people. Don't listen to what others say, do what you want.
1. Yes, but that's not bad.
2. They sure can. But it depends on the two of you.
I don't find this situation weird. Weird is when you live with the person you are dating, have sex all the time, break up, and still live together. . .and possibly still have sex all the time. I think your friends need new hobbies.
My ex and I had a mutual understanding, when breaking up. I live in the states, and he's back in Europe. The distance was tough. We decided to end it.
Even so, we still talk online whenever we have the time to. Obvioulsy the meeting part won't work because of the ocean between us, but I'd like to think that we still managed to keep the good friendship we had before hooking up.Now, with a different bf, the breakup, and the after effects were tragical. (I wanted to keep the friendship. He said it's either "together" or "nothing.")
So I would say that it all depends on the people involved. But it's most definitely not wrong to keep in touch even after breaking up. He's just a friend now, right? And you don't even have those "bf feelings" for him. So I think you're in the clear. Who says you can't have guy friends. Right? :)
Someone told me that if you're still friends with an ex, you guys are either still in love, or never at all.
It's not strange you still hang out with an ex, I still do once in a while.
it's rare, but not really peculiar. i had a friend who used to crush on me big time, but i was never interested and he got over it, though his friends have always sort of looked at me askance for not going out with him. we are great friends now, and still get weird comments because we hang out (my current bf is totally cool with it, for the record.), but we don't care and neither should you :D
making dinner with friends is not weird, just awesome.
also, it kind of sounds like neither one of you were really in love, it was just a very amicable relationship.
Honestly, no. I feel the "friendship" you have is great. As long as you two don't have the romantic feelings for each other, there shouldn't be any problems.
I think it applies more when a couple has a kid together, however, because then they have a mutual reason to stay "friends"... but like I said, I don't see anything wrong.
Everyone has their preferences. And if there are not any emotional ties, then getting out of the way for a potential "special" someone wouldn't be hard either.
it's not weird.
i dated a guy my freshman year of college and now we are best friends. same deal...sometimes the reason you start dating these guys is because you get along so well, but then later you realize you get along not because you're compatable but because you're just really good friends.
it's okay. just because you're friends aren't okay with it doesn't mean you can't be.
now if you're ex pulls out the "l" word or starts to make a move physcially or if you start to get jealous of the girls he's dating...then there might be some reason to be concerned. until then, enjoy the friendship!
I'm still friends with all my exes (one of them was serious) and I get along great with them. It's a matter of how you can control your emotions when you do hang out with them. It was hard for me the first 7-8 months with the serious one, but I'm over it now. She has a loving boyfriend who I know is a great guy and I'm one week in with a new, loving girlfriend. Things work out and sometimes, they don't. It's just how you deal with it.
its not necessarily peculiar but it does send the wrong message. it makes it seem as if you are still interested because why else would you be investing a good amount of time in this guy if youre not interested long term?
ive always tried to maintain friendships with exes and in a sense they work but not really when you look at the big picture. one of us will still try to continue the physical part of the relationship while the other is awkwardly trying to figure out how to end it. conversation begins to decrease and things just fizzle. its how life is. move on and thats all. sometimes relationships with exes work bc im not at all saying the outcomes of mine are the only way. ending things completely though will cover your ground and keep things from being potentially messy in the end.
@ashleyannaka@xanga - i know exactly how that is. ugh.
My ex and I are great friends. Both of us have stated that we wish we had left it at friends, because being in a relationship was toxic to our friendship for a while. At first it was okay, but then arguments and jealousy ruined it. Honestly, having had a small bit of a romantic bond brought us closer, but all in all, he is now my best friend, and only my best friend. We give and take romantic advice from one another and have been good friends for well over a year now. I don't see it as peculiar and it's only threatening to any potential mates if he makes it seem that way. None of his girlfriends see me as a threat and my boyfriend is not at all threatened by him. Basically, we tested the waters in a relationship and realized that we were better off as friends... a lot of people say it's awkward how close we are (especially since our break-up was a difficult one and very spiteful at first), but I just say that we lived and learned.
And 100% honest: there's zero romantic feelings. As gross as it sounds in conjunction with the past, I almost see him as a brother these days.
I think the only time that being friends with your ex works is when you didn't have really deep feelings for them in the first place. So what you have with your ex seems completely fine, you're just friends :)
sure it's different and unusual, but it's good to be different and unusual. Just because your friends haven't had the opportunity to remain friends with their exes doesn't mean you shouldn't take it when you have the chance.
And yes, they can last. But it's not always one or always the other.
I'm still friends with most of my ex's. Even the ones where we didn't end on good terms. It is possible but you have to make everything clear and the feelings would have to be somewhat mutual for it to work. Hey, even one of my close friends is my ex. We are still good friends after a good two years.
@sweet_sianara@xanga - "one of us will still try to continue the physical part of the relationship while the other is awkwardly trying to figure out how to end it. "
TOTALLY my life, but I think that's kind of what you were referring to in my post about how you know how that is.
It is kind of awkward and I wasn't necessarily trying to end a relationship altogether, just the dating, physical part, but that didn't work out so well. *shrugs* I think it's hard to be friends with an ex, but what do I know, I just have one ex...