Miss Penguin This past weekend I went on a little trip with a group of friends and, while on said trip, a friend of mine asked me out. It came kind of out of nowhere. We haven't known each other that long and we're not that close, but his roommate is a really good friend of mine ended up hanging out with him a fair amount. There was really no indication that he was interested in me until he started flirting with me the night before he asked me out (and I really didn't think anything of it when he was flirting with me because he seemed kind of like a flirty guy in general).
I'm not really interested in this guy. He's nice, but I dunno. The attraction just isn't there. Plus I have enough drama with the other guys in my life right now. And there is too much drama potential in this circle of friends to try dating him just to see if he'll "grow on me," so to speak. They're a gossipy bunch and there are fledgling friendships I don't want to jeopardize.
But when he asked me out, I was so thrown off, I said yes.
Well, not just because I was thrown off, but also because I have always had trouble saying no to people about all sorts of things, particularly when being asked out by people I am friends with (or want to be friends with). Plus, I haven't been asked out like that in a long time – you know, asked if I would "date him" straight up as opposed to his just asking me out for coffee or something that I could pretend I didn't realize was a date. Not since high school, I don't think. It always started out as casual unannounced dating until we had the "what are we?" talk.
The thing is, I almost said no. I was so close to successfully (but kindly) rejecting him. I managed to muster a "well, I'm kind of seeing someone right now" (which I am, despite that situation being…complicated and wishy-washy).
But then I saw the disappointment in his eyes, and I hate hurting people's feelings, so this is what came out of my mouth: "but it's not exclusive or anything so I guess if you don't care that I'm seeing other people…" and he was, like, "yeah, that’s fine" (in fact, knowing New York guys and their inherent fear of relationships, he was probably, like, "jackpot!" in his mind). My mouth just said it. It was like I had no control over it. It just came out.
The moment I said the second part, I regretted it. Why couldn't I have just stuck to the first part and said I was seeing someone? I think he would've understood and gotten over it. But no. My guilt overwrote my logic and just spit these words out of my mouth. Plus, I think my midwestern fear of awkward situations and confrontation was worried about spending the rest of the weekend in a small, crowded house with him after I'd rejected him.
The funny thing is, we were reading trashy magazines a few hours later (Cosmo's 75 "slightly kinky" sex tips are basically like reading porn, by the way) and there was an article that was, like, "learn how to say no!" I got a kick out of that one…
The article didn't talk about it in a dating context, though; it was more like in a work context (not taking on too much work just to be nice and that kind of thing). Plus, I don't generally trust magazines like Cosmo.
So, I'm writing here for advice: how do you say no to someone who asks you out that you still want to be friends with? And what do I do now? Can I reject him after I already said yes? Or do I try going on a date or two and hoping he'll either lose interest or I'll gain it?
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Comments (42)
Go on a date or two since you said yes. One or two dates isn't a relationship or marriage proposal, so don't make it into such a big deal. If you aren't warming up to him, tell him it was fun, but you don't think it's going to last.
Cosmo is trash by the way. It's not a reliable source for anything.
Did he actually ask you out as in, "will you be my girlfriend," or WAS it just for a date? I think you should go on a date or two at this point and see how it goes, so you don't look like a bitch, to be quite honest. Give him a chance anyway.
Well, I did that once. And instantly regretted it. I had different reasons for wanting out right away (i.e. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of almost two years and was in no way shape or form ready for another relationship) so I had to tell him no. I think we 'dated' for a grand total of six days. I felt awful. But he got over it. It was better than dragging it out and making him feel like he was really getting somewhere, etc.
Why don't you just tell the truth? Or just say "something suddenly came up"
I really think you would need to go on a date or two. Before you guys start to go out. If you want to go out with him just tell him. And if you don't you don't have to be scared to tell him that either.
Well, you can ask him if it would be ok to be friends but if he doesn't want to then we just have to respect his decision and move on. Sometimes, there are guys who simply can't be friends after a few dates. They rather move on to other fishes than to hang around.
I agree with what most of the other people said;
just go on a couple of dates with him & then on the second explain that it's not that he isn't a nice guy but due to your other relationship being so complicated you'd rather just be friends.
A few dates can't hurt right? Beats sitting around the house worrying about that other guy.
Go, tell him you had a great time, but you'd like to leave it at that. Overthinking it any more than that will only complicate it.
Okay, you're stuck for the first date. But you're not obligated to a second date. As long as you tell him no for the second date. Going beyond that is leading him on. Good luck with this, hon, and I hope it goes well. It's a tough situation you find yourself in, but you're not the first to be there. We've all had our dating issues before.
-Katie
Was it a "be my girlfriend" kind of thing or what? In any case play what i like to call the "incredibly picky" card. go on ONE date with him and on that one date ask him all kinds of personal stuff to get to know him better. If your still really not interested in him pick a few things about his personality you dident paticularly care about and use those as your "I really just dont think it'll work because..." excuse.
Why don't you go out with him once for coffee, and when you're out, you can explain to him that you think he's great, and you're having fun with him now on this date, but you want to remain just friends with him.
Being together on the date will give you time to talk together.
But if you do decide to back out, be clear and upfront with him about it. Don't back out of a date by giving a lame excuse like "something came up." That's just selfish.
Tell him you're busy - with last minute plans
Excuse: family dinner, studying, working
Yes you can still reject him -- pull a last minute bail
Say something popped up thats why you cant make it
As for the dates - do you want to go?
If you dont - dont force yourself to like someone by being nice
What if he doesnt lose interest cause of that date?
Think of both possibility
Just go out to the movies with him. double date or something. won't hurt to go.
o man..that's a complicated one..at that point, i would find a way to make him lose interest, like something freaky about yourself whether it's true or not. or you could just be honest and tell him you still wanna be friends but you accidently said yes when he caught you off guard. and remind him that you appreciate him asking you out. something like that.
or you could try the, "not answer his calls for a really long time" approach. just grow apart. and by the time he reaelizes it, tell him you're still friends. or you could tell him, "you never asked me out! i think you were dreaming, besides, we're just friends....". that'll only work if it's not too late
or maybe the relationship will just work out and you wont have to worry about breaking up
anyway, good luck and take care
Go out with him once (since you already committed to it), and who knows, maybe you'll actually have a good time and feel attraction. If not, make it clear that you just plan to be friends. No big deal either way.
P.S. Another thing you could do in order to show that you're not interested is to ask if you can invite a friend. That'll definitely get the point across that you're not seeing this outing as a romantic occasion.
well, giving in and going on a date with him even once might give him false hope, so I say just tell him something like, "I know I agreed to, but its just moutharreah, and I can only see you as a friend. I'm sorry." Afterall, you did mumble that you were seeing someone else... so yeah /: if you want, you can even play up on the fact that you said you were seeing someone else.
Good luck!
better to get out of it sooner rather than later. and be honest.
Do a date or two... then, if you're nto interested, tell him you don't think it's a good idea when he asks you again.
Simple enough.
I had to do something similar a few months ago... and sad highschool boys are the worst thing to say no to. XD
i used to be that person. i couldn't say no to any nice guy that asked me out.
and then one day i realized i get to decide what i do in my own life. if you don't want to go out with him, just be honest with him. to be fair, he asked you without knowing you that well. so the awkwardness is just as much his to own as yours. i kind of had to learn this one the hard way, and i'm here to tell you- it's best just to be honest and get it over with. do it as nicely as you can and if he's crushed over it, oh well. you can't take responsibility for his reaction.
one of the best pieces of advice my mom ever gave me was, "just because someone asks you to dance doesn't mean you have to. only dance with them if you WANT to."
i thnk she was right.
:)
@Vergil555@xanga - Vergil is so right. Go on like ONE date to talk to him and get to know him. Ask him bunch of different questions. That has worked for me.
I have always been a person of try it and you may be surprised, so naturally, I give people this advice. It sounds like more of a laid back date, so there may not be as much pressure, just, don't drag him on for two long. People do grow on others and that's how a lot of the guys I end up liking start, but if he doesn't grow on you, be fair to him and tell him the truth nicely. It hurts, but atleast the pain won't be as bad if it was dragged on for a while.
if you're seeing someone else, then you should just tell him you can't, that YOU REALLY CAN'T. if he doesn't understand, call the cops....they'll set him straight.
Look, there's no law saying you have to go out with anyone if you don't want to.
The worst consequence is that you hurt the dude's feelings, which I'm sure he'll get over.
You're facing an escalating situation, if you don't tell him no now, it's only going to get more difficult.
Just tell him your sorry, and you don't want to go out.
Don't torture yourself about wondering, just do what you know you need to do.