Miss Penguin When I saw the
Sex & The City movie, it actually made me really mad because it starts out by saying how countless girls come to the city to fall in love; later, Carrie's assistant perpetuates the claim by saying that's why she came to the city.
NO ONE COMES TO NEW YORK CITY TO FALL IN LOVE. No. One.
People come to New York City to advance their careers, to experience the hustle and bustle of the Big Apple, to party, to escape, to disappear, to be a star, etc. No one comes here to fall in love. And that's kind of a problem. It's a problem in friendships too because everyone who comes here comes here for self-involved reasons. People aren't here to form relationships and bonds (unless they're connections they can use to advance their careers). People don't say, "gee, I really want to move to New York City and settle down and have a family." No. People say "I really want to move to New York City for a while,
until I want to settle down and have a family."
A friend of mine is the kind of girl that looks for a potential husband in any guy she dates. I told her she has to start dating older guys (she's 22) because no one her age is going to be looking at her as her future wife - unless maybe she's willing to convert to Mormonism or Catholicism. Apparently, this is not very good advice.
As many of you know, I have been seeing a guy who is 35. Now, I'm not looking to get married, but I do tend to prefer monogamy and I just want to be in an exclusive relationship with someone that is not uber serious. So this guy and I have been seeing each other for a while now - we met in August - but haven't established anything official (though he did jokingly call me his klepto girlfriend once). Lately, though, it seemed as if he wasn't as interested. So last night I asked him straight up, "are you interested in me romantically or not?" and apparently he thought I was asking him to marry me or something; he got really flustered and weird about it. He started babbling about how it was complicated and how this was a longer conversation for a later date, not for 1:30 a.m. on a work night, and how he wasn't there yet but thought he could - and wanted to - be in the future.
I honestly have no idea what he was saying or what he thought my question meant. I simply wanted to know if he was romantically interested in me or if we were just friends so I didn't feel like an idiot flirting with him and making him uncomfortable. I wasn't even broaching the "what are we?" question yet. Though honestly, we've been hanging out for a while now and if he's not ready to see me exclusively very soon, I don't think he ever will be. And it's not something you can force, you know, wanting to be with a person. He made it sound like he wanted to want to be with me eventually but that he didn't actually want to be with me yet. I don't know. It was confusing. And then when I tried re-asking the question to get a simple yes or no answer, he said "a qualified yes." What does that mean?! I have never heard "qualified" used in that context. Finally I just gave up and was, like, "we can talk about this another time" and left.
Today I emailed him a clarification email that essentially said I thought we were having two different conversations and I re-explained what I meant. He emailed me back and said, "Hey, that's a serious clarification - wish I'd read that before instead of after we talked :). The answer was yes. Qualified because I've also found you a bit tough to read from date one on and have not been sure about flirtatious behavior etc. - that's not a bad thing necessarily but has left us a bit confused, clearly. Totally fair question last night - I just felt like brain wasn't working that well and maybe I heard a different question than the one you asked."
WHAT THE HECK DOES QUALIFIED MEAN? Okay, sorry, this is turning into an angry rant more than an actual logical entry (but in my defense, I did just get home from working twelve hours under fairly stressful conditions involving screaming adolescent girls and heavy equipment). The point is, clearly, even at 35, guys here in New York are not ready for relationships. They can't seem to realize that having a relationship doesn't have to mean settling down and that just because a girl wants monogamy does not mean she wants to get married! I also met a 37-year-old doctor recently who is apparently interested in me but also doesn't want "anything serious." I'm so sick of hearing that. Exclusive doesn't have to mean serious!
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Comments (31)
I agree. It sucks to be living in NY if you're looking for romance.
as soon as i graduate i want to move "back" to the city (i'm from nj originally but in ca for school now). i guess you could say it's for career-related reasons but that's not the exclusive reason. i also figured that with so many people living there, it would be easier to meet both friends and romantic interests...plus everyone knows that new york is a totally awesome place to live =)
while i understand your frustration, i don't think you're being too fair to these guys. not everyone needs to want to be serious. i think you did the right thing by asking the one guy what his ultimate intentions are, without asking the dreaded "what are we" question. sending the email was a good idea too. i'd also like to add that you can't judge the entire male population of the city based on two men either.
as far as the qualified remark goes, it seems like he was saying that you weren't showing enough signals demonstrating that you're interested in him. don't forget: guys are dense. there's a surprisingly large population of us that have no idea when a girl is interested.
hang in there.
Wow, that is some commitment phobia! I can't believe he was nervous about that question, and so what if you had asked what are we? I mean, gee, you are 22, the guy is 35 and HE is running from YOU!? I seriously have no hope. The dating world is and always will be brutal. I am newly single, just 8 yrs older and with a kid. Ha! I don't want to be single! :(
thank you Sex and the City. i love that show though! it makes me want to see Rockafeller Center at Christmastime and drink Cosmos every Saturday with my ladies. thats why i would go to New York. screw love.
o.
From what I've seen, this city is cursed.
from my personal experience, when you look for romance you can never find it (=
Wow. You should move to Nebraska.
We don't have that problem :)
I agree that these two cases probably wouldn't be representative of the larger population. Or from a different perspective, if a guy is interested, they usually charge ahead with little hesitation or thought, not leaving enough time for you to make a considered decision. That is actually more what I would be more concerned about if I were you. If you're just looking for exclusivity, but not necessarily something leading to marriage, maybe you should try to steer clear of people who are hell-bent in their search for The One.
sex and the city is just a movie.
i hate sex and the city : P
you have one thing 100% correct...no one in their right mind comes to NYC to fall in love LOL everything about the city is competitive, and love is no exception.
LOL your not quite a boyfriend seems really dense. maybe you could give him a statement of intent with a glossary and 5 questions for him to answer in writing so he'll be less confused and more direct!
I came to NYC not to find love but to find myself. It's a great place to be when you're young and want to have fun. In all the fun and craziness, I found the man that wants to plan a future with me. If it wasn't for the city and for people wanting to get together for dinners and whatnot, I never would've met him.
There are so many movies that point to new york as the romance capital but nyc is just like any other city and romance comes when you least expected.
Here is my question:
Do you bath regularly (esp 'down there')?
Do you always ramp a simple question to a larger, more complicated question?
Are you hot, so so, or does your personality go a really long way as far as men wanting to be with you???
I mean, I have no clue what his deal is, all I have is what you are saying to go with - hence I can't question him, only you.
Did you question you, or do you just question him?
Sometimes everything you need to know is already right there in your little head, you just don't know it.
By the same token, sometimes I am full of shit up to my eyes and can't even see it. Thank God I have friends that will say, "Mick, you are so fucked!!!"
Ha ha ha.
yeah i agree, NYC doesnt look like a place where u'd b able to 'find love'..actually, you cant really find love, its more you find the person you're willing to love. but anyway, NYC definitely looks fun,my goal is to somehow happily end up there, where there is are so many ppl and opportunities. here where i am, (Auckland, NZ) is pretty much a hole..i mean i love nature+the outdoors and all but seriously there is nobody here, especially dating-wise.
"Exclusive doesn't have to mean serious!"
I couldn't agree more!
Something I figured out. Men are honest. If a man has not told you that they want some form of comment. Or that the relationship is an exclusive one. Or that they want the relationship to grow. Well if they don't say it, they don't want it.
Now that doesn't mean they don't want you around. Sex is good, so is food and beer and that sums it all up. Unless they say differently.
Guys have commitment issues everywhere....Try CNY guys...they tend to be more country...and more fun!
I go to the city fer luv D:?
Fuck 'em. Online dating!!
Marriage and seriousness are not co-dependent but I admit, I've a problem (just as the men do) with monogamy/exclusivity and seriousness. To me those 2 things are just part and parcel.
Some people move to start a new life...including finding love, whetehr they move to NYC or somewhere else. I'm form nyc originally, and you can meet ppl there just like anywhere else. You just need to be open to it.
-C
My opinion and you don't have to listen: He might have said qualified yes because he does have feelings for you but you're not someone he can bring home to mom or his other friends due to the age difference. His goals and your goals are different. His terminology of 'exclusive' means someone he takes seriously, someone he'll want to take care of in the future, to share a future with, and to marry eventually. Your terminology of 'exclusive' from what was stated above = just calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend for now until we start fighting and eventually break up. There is a second mid-30s that showed interest to you but only for 'seeing' instead of exclusiveness, I believe these guys really don't see you as anything serious other than a seasonal fling. Sorry to be so frank, it is unfair sometimes. And it's not you, it's just the age difference.
I was born and raised in NYC, I stay because of my family and friends. If I want to search for love, I would go to a smaller city and find a simple man to marry!
I disagree with that, NYC is the perfect place to fall in love. With all the hustle and the bustle, what's better than adding the love vibe in it? It's actually a good thing to rid the stereotype about NYC. It's not always about advancing your career. It's a wonderful city to raise a family. I know I live there.
Loved the opening... totally how I feel about life here in the DC area. :)
I lived in New York for 18 years, before moving to California for college and Dallas for work (though technically, I spend 80% of my time in Dallas and the other 20% in New York). As a guy, I've found it a lot easier to date in Dallas -- people are more laid back and open-minded about relationships. New York is an easy place to meet people because there are so many of them, yet at the same time, I also think it can be one of the loneliest, especially if your goal is to find love or romance.
I don't think this problem is perpetuated by guys alone; I find that girls also are constantly "on the go." A lot of the girls I met are very career-oriented, and when it comes to relationships, they seem like they're always looking for upgrades. I thought this was only a guy thing -- I definitely am not ready to settle down and can honestly say that my friends and I believe that it's important to keep our eyes out for the next best thing -- and I think that's what your date means when he gave you a "qualified yes." The fact is, I'm sure he likes you a lot, but he's probably not ready to settle down or get into a serious commitment yet. It's evident that most of the responders on this post agree with my assessment, but where we differ in opinion is that I personally think there's nothing wrong with that guy's point of view. It may be that he's actually a pretty dense person, though I don't presume that to be the case, since you seem to be a pretty intelligent person yourself and probably wouldn't actually go for a guy that didn't have intellectual horsepower. But what's more likely to be the case is that he's just playing dumb because he's afraid for things to get too serious too quickly, and it's always easier to act silly than to deliver news to a girl that may not be music to her ears.
Anyway, sorry that this guy is giving you fits, but try not to write off New York so quickly. I'm sure there are plenty of other ways that New York has enhanced your life, and it's about taking the bad with the good. And at the end of the day, as one of your other readers mentioned, sometimes you end up finding the best relationships when you're not looking for them -- and that's been the case with me for just about every good relationship I've ever been in. You seem like a decent enough gal so try not to worry so much -- things always have a way of working themselves out.