This is a guest blog submitted by jot_scribble_note. In every breakup, there is a winner and loser - with the very rare tie.
If you are unfamiliar with the concept, let me explain...
The winner becomes more desirable than he/she was during the time of the relationship.
For example (of course, in an extreme exaggerated sense of speaking):
- She lost 20 pounds and has that six-pack you'd always been fantasizing about while you were still in the relationship.
- He got that promotion at the firm, and now makes double what you make in two years combined.
- She's now engaged to Mr. Zillionaire, who looks like he just stepped off the cover of GQ.
Long story short, the winner moved on to a big and brighter future...without you.
The loser, well, falls short in just about everything. Post-traumatic stress has taken action on this soul:
- He gained extra weight on unwanted areas of the body.
- Not only has she added a couple of pounds, she gained or lost hair in unwanted places, too. Bald spots, she-mustache, receding hair line...etc.
- He lost his job and now lives with Mommy Dearest.
- She lives in the past, or still the way she did when you left her.
The loser's life is just...tragic.
Of course, labeling the loser and winner isn't automatically done after the breakup. We have to account for the remorse, the anger and so on. But this concept does explain a bit about the craziness that goes on after every breakup, like rebounds, psychotic episodes, buying 30 pairs of shoes, etc. No wonder we go to all ends to be considered the winner.
Lucky for me, I've only dated guys outside of my circle of friends, so I haven't really seen the three guys I dated since we've broken up. And the winner/loser concept does have a big impact to why I haven't met up with any of my exes (or made an effort to...wait, why would I want to see them if we were over?). It's a pride issue. I would be devastated if I was the loser. I would resent myself more than I would resent the guy; but then again, knowing I was the winner was just a momentary joy. If he'd become a total depressed freak because of me, it wouldn't entirely brighten my day, either - c'mon, I did date the guy and did care for him at one point.
But if I were the loser, the awkwardness would probably consume me and cause an untimely death by embarrassment. Especially if I saw him Saran wrapped to a hot model (who is the Princess of Genovia and cured cancer on her day off). To top off an already bad situation, he would give me the "oh, so...how are things with you?..." and the head tilt (I hate the head tilt). It would be too much for me to handle...just unbearable.
Were you the winner or loser in your most recent breakup?
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Comments (88)
I was both.
I broke up, I needed the space although I miss her to this day.
But it's a relief not to live with her BS anymore.
I can't say because I haven't spoken to him nor seen him since.
But I can say I was the winner in the one before the most recent.
I think your concept really only focuses on the negative impact of ending a relationship. Sure, S/He may have gotten that promotion, but maybe they're completely miserable now. S/He may gave gained 20 pounds, but what if they're in an even better relationship now?
Every situation has two sides. Just because you came out the "winner" because you've got a better job or a hot new body doesn't mean you're any happier. Just like how coming out the "loser" by gaining 20 pounds or losing your previous job doesn't mean you're more miserable.
We were both the losers I think.
It's hard to say...Neither of us is dating again. Neither of us ended up in serious need of therapy or on top of the world. I don't really see myself in either category, tbh.
I don't really think it works that way.
Yes, some people let breakups affect them in good ways, while others let breakups affect them in negative ways. Others, well, they just never change. That doesn't necessarily means that someone is a loser and the other is a winner. It's not a game, nor a competition.
You're not a loser just because you've gained pounds, lost your job,etc..
In all relationships that I've ever had, nobody was the loser. We all went on to live our lives as well as we could.
@Atomic_emmcee@xanga - Very nicely said
Well I was both as well in my last most recent break up:
Actually considering everything I was the winner:
For one he left me for another girl who had just had a baby of whom the father she was unsure of. one was in her command ( higher up) and the other was just some guy she slept around with a lot and wanted but didn't want her. neither guy wanted her nor taken care of the child, test were inconclusive. haha. Well then I found out he lied a lot and cheated. I was gutted but then realized I was best off. Although did injur me on trust and the cheating part.
Now he is married to her and pregnant with what he thinks is his child. But since we have mutual friends, I know the baby indeed is not his but someone elses.. she wont tell him its not his unless he wises up and firues it out. and she cheats on him..
she really ugly and stupid.
and is using him for an income.
so i think i am the winner
oh yea. I gained weight ( i was unhealthy and weighed 85lbs and 4'11) .. I work out and now i have a wonderful fiance of whom loves me.
so yea..
the others I broke up with them...because it was over.. and they all ended up either single or dating sluts who all cheated or used them.. a few got married but were left or cheated on.
seriously
I was the girl that all my exs dated before they got married.but their marriages are all falling apart...ha
Tbh, I would say I'm the winner. :) I know; very modest indeed haha. But my life has been so much better over the past few months since me and my ex broke up.
I've got closer to my best mate which back then was more or less a stranger, or aquaintence even. And we've done so many things together, and I wouldn't've been this close to her if I didn't break up with him and have like all that free time like. And I've got another guy now, who seems pretty much perfect, and we've already been together two months. :)
He's living the same life, nothings changed for him, alot of his friends don't want to bother with him, and he got pretty much knocked out at a gig on friday haha, I know, I know, I just wanted to add that in. :)
So yeah, I like how things are.
winner in every field. no contest. whether they are losers on the other hand, is a completely separate thing, and one I don't really care to find out. The ones I'm still friends with are both very unhappy, but then again, not my problem and I never compare. It's just petty to do that imo.
i don't think there really was a winner/loser to my last really big break up. we were both devastated, i guess i was more than he, but there really were no other aspect in our lives that was affected. it's now 3 years since the break up and we're both happily seeing other people.
I guess if you're going to look at it that way, I definitely came out the winner in my last breakup.
We broke up right after my graduation, with the whole summer ahead of me. I decided to go on vacation, though, and I had a blast being single and having a good time with no worries and no check-ins. When I came home she decided she wanted me back, and told me how miserable her life was with her new gf. I denied, then went away to my dream college where I've met a wonderful boy who takes care of me and is very down to earth.
She dropped out of school, got a part time job, and moved back in with her father.
I prefer clean break-ups! No winner/loser.
I was a winner in all the past relationships, because whether I broke up with them or them with me, I'm not with them anymore !
I now how the most amazing boyfriend :)
I don't know.
I'm in college freaking out about my future because I have no idea what I wanna do with my life. He's 18 with a baby.
I guess it depends on your POV.
I think I'm the winner because instead of having his kid, I moved out of our small town and went to college to start my life. He probably thinks he's the winner because he has his child with the the girl he loves.
Ha, I really can't say which one I was. But maybe I was the winner.
One weekend he went to South Carolina with his mom. Well, that saturday while I was at work, missing him as any good girlfriend would, apparently he was at a party getting drunk and/or high. And had sex with a girl he saw there.
On Sunday night, he sent me a TEXT MESSAGE, telling me that he thought we should "take a break because he made some bad decisions" well, I told him that was pointless and that it was over after I had inquired about exactly what kind of decisions he made.
I didn't really cry about it until four days later.
But I was also a "sore exgirlfriend" when he got a new girlfriend and I was still single. *shrug* Maybe I was both.
Interesting viewpoint. I never considered it that way but I guess you could put it like that. I have no clue how my ex is doing as I haven't kept in touch. He has kept the same profile picture on facebook since we broke up but that doesn't explain a thing. I'd prefer not keeping in touch as I don't think there's a winner or loser thing in the relationship as there is nothing to gloat over. I ended things with him 'cause I wasn't feeling it nor was I planning to marry him. I can only say that I hope he's doing well. You can say the winner is often the person who initiates the breakup but that defers on the circumstances of the breakup..
I do sympathize with wanting to be the one who came out on top. I think everyone feels it from time to time despite knowing it's not a competition. I'm with a great guy now, but even then I'd feel weird showing up at my high school reunion [5 years since graduating] without my current boyfriend with me. Perhaps I'm scared of having a confrontation with the ex. The last time I saw him ended very badly & I'm terrified of having him manipulate me again or something.. [The story of my ex gives me nightmares. Seriously.] I guess having the current boyfriend at the reunion will leave me assured that the ex will back off. If not, my boyfriend will beat him up. :P
I would rather be the one that was heart-broken (painful as it is) & then show the world what you truly are.
Winner. Definitely the winner
sorry but I think this is a terrible way of thinking of things!
You should break up b/c you're not compatible. If you think that the person broke up with you b/c you weren't good enough, and now you hope his gf is uglier than you, then that's really conceited, selfish, and hateful. But there are cases when a person cheated or whatever, and the break up was bad. but still, you shouldn't hold grudges and you shouldn't compare past/present/future gfs/bfs.
my bf taught me that.
I usually start out as the loser, but not because I suck at life after a break up. It's cause I'm still nice to them and sad over nothing. As far as life goes, I'm always the winner. I don't drop what I'm doing to mope, gain weight, consume drugs, or get promiscuous. In fact, since my last break up, I've gotten even busier and better than ever before!
So I think it's possible to win and lose a little after every break up.
I'd say the winner is whoever managed to move on. Rather than who has the more ''successful'' life, looks better. I liked my life a while back and therefore I would definitely say I was the winner with my previous ex. But NOW a lot has changed and situation revisited I would come up as the loser, I suppose. Sometimes we are up and sometimes we are down.
In this break up right now I am the definite loser but I think that will change drastically in time. I hope so! I am completly heart broken. Do you watch HIMYM?
both of us were the winner and the loser.
we both became a lot more successful (because of our common pride issues) but neither of us is really happy.I think of myself as the winner with my last "suitor" (haha).
I haven't spoken to him in over 2 and a half years because he was a downright sociopath.
However, going by your criteria - I may seem like the loser.
I actually haven't dated anyone since him - though I've had many many many guys fall for me.
(I think it's somewhat of a "curse"... But this has more so to do with the fact that I'm okay not being in a relationship - so I'm quite quite picky.)
And now he's getting married to a model.
That's supposed to get me jealous, right?
Because every girl wants to be a model? (haha - I was being sarcastic)
However, I knew he would be keeping tabs on who was "ahead" after our parting. So I made sure I wasn't playing that game - that is actually why I haven't dated anyone in two and a half years. I wanted to make sure anyone who I was going out with was some kind of inadvertent rebound.
... because I definitely could go out with someone who I know would make my ex insecure in that way - going by those standards.
But I'm finishing my undergraduate degree now - and the fellow I'm in love with has doctorate in philosophy. (hahaha) My ex was in the army and... most likely will not get anywhere else.
I mean - I think my criteria for figuring out who the loser and winner are would be to see who is keeping tabs.
Why are we so worried about how unhappy the other person is? (and if you are keeping tabs to see how wonderfully happy the other person is - you are full of crap)
Bertrand Russell said:
If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have a paradise in a few years.
Wow. I rambled on quite a bit.
Anyway, my point is, I know I'm the winner from my last relationship because I'm not bent on making sure that I have bested him. It is not my obsession to make sure that I am better than him.
If that makes any sense.