Sunday, 23 November 2008
-
Dating Someone with Children
Mr. Giraffe
My friend Julia is hooking up with this guy, Ben, and they're at the point where the hooking up is slowly becoming a relationship (strange, right?). Ben wants to open a restaurant where his twin brother will cook (the brother is in culinary school right now). Julia and Ben really like each other and their age difference (at 20, she's a year and half older than he is) doesn't make a difference.The problem? Ben has a one-year-old daughter, and his baby mama may or not still be in love with him -he's not sure. Even if she weren't, Ben said she and his daughter would be his first priority because they're family.
Julia doesn't know what to do. She likes Ben and he likes her. But does she really want to get mixed up in this drama? Not only that, but if Ben could be stupid enough to his girlfriend pregnant in high school, who's to say that he won't get Julia pregnant?
What would you do in this situation?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (36)
While the concerns of "getting involved with that drama" seem valid if she's going to get dropped-like-it's-hot if babymama wants back in his life, "if Ben could be stupid enough to his girlfriend pregnant in high school, who's to say that he won't get Julia pregnant" ... uh, Julia gets to make her own decision now called GOING ON THE PILL AND SAYING NO TO NOT WEARING A CONDOM. In high school, they BOTH made decisions that left them with a child. That seems like a ridiculous thing to say.
@pandasp0ts@xanga - Agreed.
She has to figure out if she's going to be his second priority from his little kid.....because baby mama or not, he's moving on with his life, right?
The baby-mama is not family, the daughter is; him saying that means there is probably still something there. Also, sleeping with someone is not the way to start a relationship; sounds like this kid doesn't have it all figured out yet. Julia is old enough and smart enough to know better...this Ben is 18 yeah? Date someone your own age; been there, done that, and the maturity level at 18 just isn't where it needs to be.
And what do you mean, get Julia pregnant?
HELLO BIRTH CONTROL AND OTHER PREVENTATIVE MEASURES.
good luck.
In short, being that she's 20, I would not put up with it unless their love was truly enduring. I'm 22 and except for the occasional time with my boyfriend's little nephew or cousins, I am not ready to put up with another man's or woman's own children. Maybe if I was a 44 year old divorcee with 3 kids of my own, but right now I am child-free and I intend to keep it that way for at least another 5 or 6 years.
the guy seems realy confused and she shouldnt take a big step until shes really sure that the guy is a responsible one and wont let her down.
btw i wanted to add a blog of my own so i could get some help from datingish..any help anyone?
@pandasp0ts@xanga - I agree.
I think she should spare herself the drama. And if she does decide to stay, make sure she is using birth control.
the situation you described seems quite shaky.
I never thought I would be willing to date someone who had a kid. Especially since there is that other woman that will always be involved because of the child.
But you never know til you're in that situation yourself.
Jerry, Jerry, Jerry
I would steer clear of a relationship like that.
It takes two to tango. Her pregnancy wasn't only Ben's fault, but hers too. She should have made him wear a rubber, get one her self (there are female condoms), or gotten on the pill which is what Julia needs to do also if she's hooking up with him.
Not to be rude but I am very offended by a lot of things in this. First, even if his baby mama is still in love with him it shouldn't matter. If he likes this new girl then he's not gonna ruin it. Also, it's good that his daughter is his first priority. As a mother my first priority is my son. No man would come before him. And lastly, "stupid enough to his girlfriend pregnant in high school, who's to say that he won't get Julia pregnant? " Are you serious? Sometimes things just happen. Even if you take the neccessary precautions. Things happen. That'd be like saying "if girls are stupid enough to get pregnant in High school who's to say they won't get pregnant again?"
SCREW YOU; you are dumb.. He was not the only person who got pregnant.
If he was stupid enough to get her pregnant she was stupid enough to get pregnant as well.
so if your 'friend' gets pregnant than it is just as much her fault as his.
if you are that worried about getting knocked up DONT have sex
@BranmacFeabhail@xanga - Bingo.
It's obvious he just should have worn a condom. Then none of this would be happening.
So Julia needs to be on birth control. Obviously. If she doesn't want to get pregnant, that is. And accidents happen. Maybe it wasn't about being stupid. And who are you to judge? Besides, his daughter SHOULD come first. So, Julia needs to not be selfish.
In this kind of situation, of course it's going to be hard, but she needs to let everything work out first especially with the whole baby mama drama. For the whole pregnant thing, just make sure she's being safe with him, use Trojan or something. If they really like each other, situations like this would become easier to solve than just making things difficult than they already are. For Ben, he needs to confront his baby's mama so they could solve this problem and there won't be any confusion in the air. For Julia, she just needs to stay positive and confident, if she's this worried, she shouldn't be cause then Ben would think she's having second thoughts about them when she's not and that's going to be bad. All I'm saying is that, they should confront these problems and not get overworked on things.
Your friend should keep in mind that if she enters into a relationship with this guy, it's not just a relationship with him. It's a relationship with him and his child and, to some extent, his ex-girlfriend. There's a good saying that "When you marry someone, you also marry their family."
That said, I also think it was both him and his ex girlfriend's "fault" that she got pregnant. It's 50/50 to make a baby and she should have insisted on birth control. If Julia does not feel that she can stand up for herself in that arena, I don't think she is mature enough to be in a serious relationship yet, and certainly not a sexually active one.
If he gets your friend pregnant, then your friend is the stupid one.
For me this would be tough. I'd have to really think about how much the guy means to me. If he was the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, then I'd try to work it out. If I wasn't completely serious about him, I'd try not to get to attached and see how things play out. It wouldn't be good to get into a relationship if the guy didn't see me as a main priority.
If a person has kids, they will always come first and always be a priority (as they should be) and, as a result, will always have contact with the other parent (again, as it should be...even if you;re not together you need to be working together to raise the child). So if a person (in this case, your friend) can't handle not always being first, and can't handle a person being in contact with their ex, and just doesn't want to be part of all that, they probably shouldn't get involved with someone who has kids. Simple as that.
As for her getting pregnant, she should take some responsibility and protect herself. If she's not mature enough to do that, thats another issue altogether.
...I've been through this. It's not fun and it's actually kind of weird to deal with because guys like that carry so much baggage.
She's only 20, there's plenty of other nice guys at that age without a child & baby mama.
@Persiankitty@xanga - I am in total agreement with your point of view here.
I'd also add that she should be mindful of the impact her involvment is going to have on the daughter. If she's not sure, it's better to stay away than to allow her to become attached to someone who's not in it for the long haul.
Julia needs to dump that guy like a rock out of an open truckbed and stay far, far away. The guy has baggage up to his eyeballs and as soon as "mama" decides she does still like the guy and he feels obligated to go back home to his own family, Julia is going to be the rock that gets dropped. Or even worse, he'll try to waver back and forth between the two of them trying to have his cake and eat it too.
Honestly? I have a year and a half year old son, and a beautiful girlfriend (who is not the mother) and we're perfectly happy. My girlfriend is very understanding on the situation, and doesn't want to be my son's new mother. She simply wants him to know that she's there for him. My ex-girlfriend (my son's mother) is still very active in his life. She visits him when she can and takes him out places. We're trying to teach our son that he has two families, but they love him equally and will always be there for him. We're raising him to know that yea his folks are separated but family is family.
Calling children baggage? I don't think so. Unless you have one of your own, don't think they're baggage. My girlfriend loves my son just as much as I do. She knows my priorities, and she respects them.
time to get out. the daughter should always be a priority and for the sake of the daughter and once loving the mother he should always care about her well being but she should not be a priority....