This is a guest blog submitted by pandabear. Okay I've seen people write about similar situations but I just don't know how to look at my own; my look on it would be biased and would probably be one that would create a picture of happiness in a field of daisies.
I dated a guy for almost three months; things were going great. We didn't meet up as much as I wanted, but I understood because he was busy - and for the first time in dealing with guys who say they are always busy, I did believe him. Now I'll be honest - he did tell me near the beginning that he didn't want a serious relationship, and that was all right with me, but on the dates we went out on, we acted more like BF and GF than casual fling-type people...maybe I need clarification as to what a casual and serious relationship is because I haven't experienced either one.
Point is, things were going pretty well, but one day he told me he bumped into someone he dated a bit before he met me (he'd really liked her, but things just didn't work out). This encounter brought up a discussion about how he's afraid to commit; he doesn't want to be hurt or hurt anyone and he doesn't know what he wants. At the time he was saying all this, he was drinking - I know it's not a good sign, actually - once he told me what happened I automatically thought "rebound".
He told me things happened too quickly with me, and it got to the point where he asked, "so what happens now?" I told him if he doesn't have feelings for me, then there isn't much I can do about it; he told me it's not that he didn't have feelings for me. I was waiting for the next part, but he couldn't talk about it and went to bed so I was left hanging.
That was a turning point, because after that incident, he didn't talk to me as much and has never really brought up the idea of getting together again. I didn't bring up the topic either, because really, what am I supposed to do? We still talked a bit and there were a couple of times where he'd call me "hon" and "sweetie". This is confusing for me, because he calls me those names, yet he doesn't really talk to me?
So I eventually told him how I felt so at least he'd know everything. Out of that conversation, I still never really got a clear answer about how he felt about me; all I got was how it's hard for him to trust people and that he's guarded. He did say, "If things change, I'll let you know" - that was fine, but, I mean, I've never done this before.
I messaged him a few days ago saying I would try to be friends with him (that's what he suggested for now). When I spoke to him we had a good conversation - pretty relaxed - but we don't talk all that much now that we are friends (or at least trying to be).
Here's what I want to ask: does it seem like he was interested in me to begin with or are some people that good into fooling others? And with him not talking to me, is he over me already? I don't know how guys deal with these situations and I'm not sure how harsh I should be here because what he says contradicts what he does.
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Comments (42)
I don't think what he did was right. You deserve more honesty and direct communication. I honestly don't know how he felt or feels about you. I would listen to guy's advice on this one or to girls who have access to the inner workings of guys minds/behavior.
Sometimes thats just the easiest way to get out of the situation for them. I've had that experience. I think they do are still but don't want to show it.
when things get awkward like that - just leave it be. it happened to me , too. then i moved on the next..
oh, i always say "next" anyways.
the guy's an hypocrite. if he doesn't show his true colors, then dump his motherfucking sorry ass.
idk how to deal with this cause almost the same thing happened to me. me and my ex dated for 2 years and 4 months and at the end she said she didnt want a serious relationship so she dumpped me =/
so she said she wanted to be my best friend and all and on thursday night she called and cancelled our plans and we were texting and she said she didnt want to help me with anything and it seemed like she just didnt care about me at all.
its like you said.....is she over me already? its weird sometimes i think she has another boyfriend.
she always said she wanted to be my friend when she dumpped me but now its like idk if she does anymore. (kinda childish but she took me off her number one on myspace and she deleted all of the pictures on myspace.) i know its ok she did cause she doesnt want to be with me blah blah blah. but its like she said i was her best friend so why not leave it at the number one. but eh i dont care anymore.
but its like i wanted to hang out with her but she doesnt and i accept that we are friends and that ill never get with her but damn why not be friends....ugh im like in the same situation as you almost here. so someone tell us.....
were they ever interested? D=
@hotpinkstarberry@xanga - yea sometimes i think she does care for me too but then i just say "hey its real life she doesnt have feelings for me anymore oh well...i gotta get over it =/" so idk anymore. its hard
I could write an entire paper about how I understand what this is, how I empathize, how guys work, etc. But you know what? it's not worth it. I highly recommend you stop wasting your time. If he treats your feelings this carelessly then I don't think he's worth being friends with.
Trust me.
I've gone through a time like that, where I dated people (at once) because I was guarded and couldn't trust. just give him space to get over it.
it doesn't sound like he's that into you...
I've gone through similar experiences, and I learned when it come to things like that, I just leave it be.
This guy sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. :\ I say don't waste your time with him. It's not worth it.
actually, this is a common occurence because people don't want to appear as a "bad guy" ....I mean here's a good example, I met this guy and he told me about his psychotic girlfriend and how he would be a family dinner at a restaurant and how she would call him every 15 minutes and finally his parents got fed up (she did a lot of crazy, idiotic things) and so he had to end it but he did it gently.
Like this is how guys do it, they say they're busy....slowly, give excuses like how you got, then you don't hear from him...then he shows up....
Yep, he told me that's how he finally got rid of her...not all at once to hurt the chick, he said, guys can't handle the crying thing, so gently, slowly they do things to irritate...like promising to call a certain time and don't ...little fights....
So, as a woman, you know when a guy lost interest, you just have to be more intune so you can end it first and you don't waste your time....
The best advice I got from a guy is, don't give your heart till you got him committed, like wedding band and paper signed....until then, hold onto your heart...
it happened to me........and I am much wiser now....
Atleast he was honest =x I think it's pretty good that the guy realized he has commitment issues, and i think it's alright to have them. (:
Don't waste your time thinking about him, even if he likes you or not, he's clearly over you, and even if he's not, he has commitment issues. He's not good for you ;x
@OstentatiousEloquence@xanga - I 2nd that motion!
I just want to say I know how you feel and I think the guy is really wrong in treating you that way. He probably did like you, but was conflicted in what he actually wanted. He wanted the girl, but not the commitment. Pretty immature. Anyways, I wish you the best of luck and hope you find a guy that will give you the time of day :D
thanks guys....really appreciate your advice =)
This is what I tell my girls...."when a guy's into you...you'll know it." We're not wishy washy with someone we're into. When we meet someone better than our exs, the new girl will outright replace the old one.
I'd say he was interested enough to spend some time with you, but not interested enough to want more with you.
I wouldn't say he's necessarily fooling you though, he did seem to give a fair amount of warnings from my perspective.
Let it go. If he's not willing to work hard for you in the beginning, it's not worth to stick around for the end.
The same thing is happening to me right now. My friends are telling me that I deserve better and I need someone who would treat me like a "queen". I haven't had the chance to talk to him yet about how I feel. We started off really fast, but we're taking it soo slow to the point that it seems like we're friends but we seeing each other. It's complicated.
I think he was into you to begin with, but the end his whole heart wasn't into it. If he doesn't really like you, then just move on. You don't want to waste time on someone who doesn't care enough about you. It's their loss. With him not talking to you, I think he's busy with other things in his life. I unno if he's over you, everyone is different.
ugh, it sounds like he's not sure at all what he wants but he can't even be honest about it. especially after you directly brought it up and he just ignored the conversation, i'd throw this guy in the reject pile. who needs a guy who can't even be clear about whether or not he's interested? T_T
I have a friend who was in a similar situation as you were. She met some guy in her college club. Apparently he was hurt really bad from his ex-girlfriend, so he has the same trust issue. They started talking as they see each other all the time. He would take her out to dinner and hang out with her. They even made out for a few times, however, he never admit that they were going out. As one of their mutual friends as the guy if he has any feeling for my friend. He replied that he is not into her. This completely broke my friend's heart. When they were back to school after summer vacation, they guy start talking to my friend again. He would flirt with her and stuff, and they ended up making out again. After that they acted like they were dating, but it was all under the table. Then one day he went to one of their mutual friend's house warming party and make out with some girl. Thats pretty much it. I wouldn't wait for him if I were you. I think he needs to man up and tell you whats up and not make you wait. Good luck to you on whatever decision you make :)
yes,
don't know, probably true,
guys are like that.
@shine_h - I agree. Well said.
So with that in mind, do you WANT to be a 2nd class girl for this guy? I sure hope not!
I have a question... Why don't rebounds work out!??! i'm seeing this guy but he just recently broke up with his girlfriend.. my friends are telling me NOT to see him because i'm the rebound??? but then what if i lose my chance??? i'm so confused!!
It's time to move on with your time, he doesn't deserve you for caring about him. I read that one book called "He's Just Not That Into You" it helped me out. Guys are different when it comes to relationship, I hope you find a guy who will be really into to you to stop with the bs excuses.
I was in the same situation as you were. I thought he wasn't worth it so I didn't wait. Well, if he's making you miserable, then just forget about him. If I were you, I would leave before I fall any deeper.