This is a guest blog submitted by jigg. "I think you're being unfair," my friend said to me last after I told her that I could easily date someone five years older and maybe even as much as eight, though I wouldn't date someone five to eight years younger. Even after the discussion had been over for a good eight or nine hours, I still cannot understand what she really meant by being unfair. Is dating a 22-year-old the same as dating someone who is 32? I would certainly disagree with that.
She asked me why I prefer one and not the other; I responded that I like women who are already at a point in their lives where they know what they want. I do not believe 22-year-old girls know that because they are still uncertain about a lot of things. They haven't really stepped into the real world yet because they've just gotten out of college and are still in the "age of exploration phase" in their lives - trying to figure out what they want in life and what kind of guy they want to be with.
She argues that there are definitely 22-year-olds who are like that already. I told her that everyone thinks that they are mature and ready, but the truth is, I am willing to bet that many 27-year-old women would look at themselves at 22 and see completely different people. She says that people are always changing, and I agreed, but someone who is 22 is more prone to change than, say, someone who is 32.
I'm looking someone who is looking for the same thing as I am - eventual marriage commitment.
I can honestly say that though many girls think they can make that step, they really can't. Most of my female friends who are married began dating their husbands in their mid-20s. Only a very small handful started at their early 20s, and of this group, about half got married because they got pregnant.
Of course, there are exceptions. But quite honestly, I think there are very few girls who, at the young age of 22, feel that they completely know who they are and what they want. For someone to be like that at an early age, I wonder if she rushed life a bit - either that or she was forced to be who she is because there are certainly many places in this world that force you to grow up at an early age just to survive. But in this country, people are seldom put in such a position.
I just think that realistically, anyone who is at least in their mid- to late 20s would be the youngest I would date, depending on the person and the amount of relationship experience she has. My friend said I had a very narrow point of view (can't believe she called me narrow-minded) and I told her that she was naive. You cannot equate or compare 22 to 32. Every year makes a difference, but she disagreed with me.
So to all my female readers young and older (not calling you old!), what are your thoughts? To everyone 23 and younger, do you think you are mature enough to know what you want and be willing to settle down in the next few years if you met the right person?
To everyone between 24 and 27, do you think you've changed a lot and seen things (life, relationships, career, wants, etc.) differently from when you were 22?
To everyone 28 and older, would you date someone younger than you, and how much younger (given that he is surprisingly mature for his age)?
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Comments (110)
i know MANY..many young girls.. who date guys who's 10+ years
As one of the females in the youngest demographic, I can say with certainty that while I'm still figuring parts of myself out, I know what I want out of life. If someone came along within the two years or so that was compatible with my life plans (and if I was single), I would settle down with them.
My boyfriend now is someone that I want to settle down with, although he's adverse to the idea. He says that if we aren't going to focus on it right now (meaning moving in together tomorrow or next week or getting engaged), we shouldn't worry about it right now. Of course, I disagree since the future is right around the corner, but shrug.
I find it refreshing that you would prefer to date an older woman over a younger one, since I JUST wrote a post on my blog about my experiences with being passed over for much younger women. I think, as a guy, you might actually be in the minority. Most guys I know are more willing to date younger than they are older. It's still more socially acceptable, too, to see men with younger women than the other way around. Stupid sexism.
I just turned 28, and I agree completely that people do a whole lot of growing up in their twenties. I am certainly a different person now than I was when I was 22. I imagine I will change as life brings me more experiences (taking on more financial responsibilities, having children, dealing with aging parents, etc.). But for the most part, I feel that the important stuff-- my values, the way I analyze things, my attitude towards life, my goals-- are on their way to getting set.
That said, I would prefer to date a guy who's at a similar place in his life. Given that so many guys my age still have their heads up their arses, I imagine that means that the guys I date will unlikely be much younger than myself. Probably between a couple of years younger to a few years older. I don't see myself dating a man much older than myself. That icks me out a little, for reasons that exceed the scope of this blog. ;)
Well, I (at almost 23) do have a goal and plan for the future, but with the turmoil of the economy, it's making me feel a little less sure of what plans I should take. However, I can adapt to pretty much any situation I am in and I do see myself settling down with a person in the next 5-7 years.
As some one who is 20, I don't appreciate the whole "young people don't know what they want" generalization, but I can't really argue with it; as a matter of fact, I constantly find myself attracted to older women because I feel the exact same way you do about younger women - they're hopelessly needy and confused, and they change their minds every five minutes. I don't have time to deal with that bullshit, and I prefer women who are more chilled out, intelligent, and non-dramatic, and interested in the long term while still able to enjoy the short term. I don't know very many women under the age of 27 who are like that.
I'm nineteen. And while a part of me is screaming that I'm just as mature as any 32-year-old, I know that's simply not true. I'm just not in the same place. For instance, I would totally be ready for an *eventual* marriage commitment... but I'd want to wait until I was out of school, which would mean anywhere from 3-8 years. I'm in a serious relationship right now, but I don't expect it to last forever (mostly because of impending distance issues).
I think it is a little unfair that you expect those women to date you - someone 5-8 years younger - but that you probably wouldn't be willing to afford the same opportunity if the situation was reversed.
Other than that, we all have things we are looking for. I think it's wrong to automatically rule out someone because of her age (at least for the reasons you listed). But I, too, have a higher tolerance for age in one direction than the other. I think it's a gender issue.
"For someone to be like that at an early age, I wonder if she rushed
life a bit - either that or she was forced to be who she is because
there are certainly many places in this world that force you to grow up
at an early age just to survive. But in this country, people are seldom
put in such a position."
Seldom doesn't mean never, and you shouldn't cut yourself off to people who may be mature beyond their years. I, for instance, had to grow up at a very early age, because I was in an abusive situation. My boyfriend is the same way, so even though we're both still in our teens, we have a much more mature relationship than most other people I know. But I wouldn't say it's all that uncommon - I think you underestimate people.
Sorry for the novel.
@FireMapleSong@xanga - How many women do you know who are like that in general, though?
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - I know PLENTY who are chilled out and non-dramatic, they just happen to be about my mother's age haha. Some of them are smarter than others, but I've met plenty of older women at my school (FAU has a high degree of older students) who I would totally date if they weren't married. I've met a few girls around my age like that as well, but I haven't met ANY high school girls who weren't either dramatic, confused, or naive. That's why I just don't bother with them anymore.
Though I will admit that someone who is 32 is going to be in a much different place than when they are 22, I was still frusterated with this post. I'm 22, set in my career in a job I love, know and am happy with who I am, and ready for when my future husband comes into my life. Granted, I know alot of girls my age and older who are not like this. I also know, 32 year old who are just as immature as 22 year olds. While I get your point, don't lump all 22 years olds together. Some of us might surprise you.
@GodZchiK@xanga - You're quite right, but I think the point is more or less that the poster knows what he wants, and he knows within what age group he's most likely to find it.
I am 22. Most of my friends are significantly older than I am and constantly forget that I am this young; when they remember how old I am they comment on how mature I am for my age. Despite this, I feel like I am only starting to figure out who I am. I have some hunches about what I want out of life and the type of person I want to end up with, but I still have a lot to learn. There is no way that I would be willing to settle down anytime soon. How can you find the right person for you before you have really figured out who you are? Honestly, if a girl my age thinks otherwise about herself, that alone would be enough for me to question her maturity.
I've dated guys that are my age (19) every time I've dated. I'm not doing that anymore. I've always been a mature thinker, and want a real relationship, something many guys around my age do not want.
So, as bad as it sounds, I will not go for anyone within a few years of my age. It'd be a waste of time in my opinion because I want something real instead of a fling.
I'm 22. I know who I am and what I want in my future. But settling-wise, no I'm not ready. I'm just starting to get out there and have my fun. In a few years, probably mid-twenties, I'll be ready there. I'll look you up then. Kidding!
I'm 34, and my boyfriend is 29--there's a five and a half year age difference between us.
That aside, and as a general rule, as long as it's not a huge age difference (like 20 or 30 years), I've pretty much always been okay with dating guys who were older. I have found as I've gotten older myself, however, that I'm also okay with dating guys who are younger--although how many years younger I'm willing to date is less than the number of years older I'm willing to date. Younger guys, really, no more than 6 years, or possibly seven if he's REALLY mature (the boyfriend just squeaked in, LOL! Just kidding...). Older? I've casually dated guys as much as 14 years older. I wouldn't date someone 14 years younger on a bet. A 20 year-old is just at a totally different place in life than I am, and no matter how likeable he was, I can't help but think there'd eventually be major friction because he'd want to be having fun, and I'd be saying, "Oh, grow up already!"
I know exactly who I ama nd what I want to do and I'm in college. I would never date a guy younger than me because I've had guy friends that were younger than me and i have dated someone that was younger than me. They just seem so stupid and immature to me. I don't date guy that are more than 3 or 4 years older because I think that they have a tendency when they''re a ceartain amount of years older than you to think that they are smarter and better and they think they have more life experience and they know morea bout life than you do. Even if that is the case (sometimes) its still annoying to have to hear that.
hmmm, I find your thoughts quite interesting. I had been wondering about the younger men who contact me for dating! I'm 34, and I know from experience that no matter what you might think you know at 23, you still really don't know. LOL There is absolutely NO comparison in my book for a 22 yr old and a 32 yr old....of course, there are always exceptions to the rule. But I tend to agree with much of your thinking.
Would I date a younger man? That's something I've been asking myself lately due to all the younger men that seem interested in me. I don't know. I think it would depend on the man.
@bluetrashcan@xanga - same thing with me. i want a real relationship. but chicks my age dont want one. i just got out of a serious relationship where it just feels like she led me on for 2 years... but i think for my age which is also 19(about) im mature enough to know what i want.
i want something real not just a fling. but idk. i still feel like im waiting for my ex to figure out that she lost something good.(me) i know i shouldnt be but i just cant help it.
i wouldnt date an older chick just cause. i like them a year younger or a few months older. not 3 or 4 years older or younger. i just want them at just the right age.
i know you didnt ask for a dudes opinion but i was reading and felt like answering =]
I'm 18 (well, 19 in a week) and I dated a guy older than me who was way more immature and didn't know what he wanted. So I thought, "Hey, no more guys really close in age... they're a little behind even if they don't wanna be and can't help it." Then I moved to 22 year old. And while he was better than only one year apart, he still wasn't as sure of himself as me!
I cannot stand when a guy says things like, "Well, I'm in school... but it's not really my thing. I don't know what I'll do with it" or "I want to get married, I think, but I don't know." Saying stuff like that in front of me instigates lack of goals, values, and planning. I start looking at them as unsure of themselves, and it's crazy unattractive.
I am 23, I didn't do the college thing and I don't really feel like I missed out on that because, as you said above, my friends getting out of college are just now starting to do the full-time job, bills, living on your own thing, whereas I've been doing it for 4 years (and two of them COMPLETELY on my own...no roommates). So, while I may not be what I will be at 32, I am ready to settle down and get married and share my life with someone else.
I'm pretty certain about who I am; but not only that, I know most men I have dated who are 8+ years older than me could vouch for my security in myself and my stability.
I'm far more driven, focused and mature than many 30-year-old men I know. That doesn't mean I don't expect to grow more over the next several years, but I think dating older men has helped me to see myself in perspective and grow emotionally. Yeah, I'm about eight times more cynical than most women my age. There are times hate that about myself, but most of the time I'm just grateful I've been spared the whole ridiculous game of the early-20s that my friends seem to be playing.
But I don't think you're being unfair--I think you're being realistic. Just don't make these permanent boundaries for yourself, or you're going to meet some girl who makes you eat crow. My recent boyfriend did. :p
This is weird, because I tend to be attracted to guys a year or two younger. Well actually, more than that, but for me that's jailbait, haha. Does that mean I'm just a big kid at heart?
Ok, but seriously, I prefer to date people that are around my age. Once when I was a freshman in college, I went on a date with a senior. I quickly realized this was not for me. I felt I would have been forced to "grow up" too soon if I had stayed with this guy. On top of it, he was mature beyond his 22 years, so I really felt like I was on a date with my dad or something. I gave another senior a chance by going on a date with him, but it was more of the same.
I'm about to generalize horribly, but I feel that a lot of young women that date men 5, 8, etc. years older are really just compensating for their own lack of direction by latching onto someone with those qualities. Personally, I don't think it's a bad thing to be unsure of where your life is headed, and I don't think you should rush that process by settling down with someone more secure in their situation. I realize though, that on the flip side, there are also those women that are mature beyond their years, and are just looking for someone on equal footing, so I know it doesn't apply to everyone.
As for me, I know what I want to accomplish in my life and what qualities I look for in a guy. Because I tend to operate on a more egalitarian basis in my relationships, I try to look for someone with the same maturity level, which tends to be someone around my age (though I've always been a bit precocious, so, still being in college, it's still hard to find someone that is more knowledgable about politics than beer...).
If I were to find someone I felt compatible with at this stage, I'd be willing to have a relationship with them, but I am in no way settled in my life right now, since I'm still pursuing my education, and still have to figure out grad school, future career options, etc. Likely, he'd be in the same place. We'd both have to accept that we're at a very transient stage in our lives, so it may not work out, but if we really cared about each other, I think we could figure out a way to make it work. Realistically though, I don't think I'll be ready for marriage until at least 25 or so. I want a few more years to continue with my education and goals, before "settling down" and having to fit another person into the equation.
I agree with you that the majority of girls in their early 20's don't know what they really want out of life. The same goes for guys. It's a career-driven world these days which requires everyone, male and female, to find themselves.
Dating requires some sort of commitment to another person. To not considerably understand yourself while you're dating around is like offering a prospect a half-hearted promise, not out of malicious intent but out of mere cluelessness. It's an unintentional crisis waiting to happen.
Wow. I'm so tired of these generalizations. Every relationship is going to be a bit different because every person is a bit different. Maybe I'm just being defensive because I'm only 23 and when I was 20, I dated a 30 year old. We were together for a few years. Our age difference was never really a factor. We were just two people who fell in and later out of love. He was a huge part of my life and we both learned from the relationship. Never once did anyone look at us and ask if the age difference mattered. And as for the question as to whether I know what I want out of life and where I want to be: I've known exactly what I've wanted to do since I can remember.
@brokewriter@xanga - Well said.
I agree with you. Women don't really know what they want until they're much older. Of my involvements with women, my most successful encounter was with a woman who was 27; she knew exactly what she wanted, how to get it, and how to appreciate it. The other girls I've dealt with who are around my age or younger (we'll say < 24 years) weren't sure what they wanted, only THAT they wanted; didn't really know how to get anything, and waited around for it to be brought to them; and they didn't know how to really appreciate anything, from physical intimacy to emotional comforting.
Some will say that men around this age are the same way, and I'll respond by saying that they may very well be, but I'm not talking about men I'm talking about women.