Saturday, 22 November 2008
-
Gender Roles in Relationships - Which One Do You Fill?
Mr. Giraffe
One of my good friends from high school, Craig, told me about his adventures as a newly outed gay guy in college. He told me how hard it was to land a date because of one problem:Craig, my dear friend, is consistently, hopelessly and mercilessly attracted to straight guys. It wasn't that he wanted to turn them into homosexuals. He said that it was more that he liked the manliness of them, the way they dress, the way they act. Craig said he was turned off by effeminate men - even though he admits he is one sometimes. Or maybe that's part of it.
Craig's dilemma had me thinking about gender roles in a relationship. Some people say that a relationship should be between a man and a woman. And maybe there's some truth to that . . . but not in the way you think. Perhaps in each relationship someone has to fill the conventionally male role or the conventionally female role but it doesn't matter who fills which role.
What do you think on gender roles in a relationship? Do you and your SO fill a specific role in your relationship?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (31)
My bf and I cover all the bases. We're both kind of some mix between masculine and feminine, and we're opposites in most respects.
It works out really nicely.
thanks for subscribing (:
I think I'm like la_faerie_joyeuse.
Me and my boyfriend share our roles.
Though we don't live together or anything,
we both want to get jobs and support ourselves
so we can then support each other. He expresses
his love to me more than I do to him xD
It's really quite nice.
we pretty much share the roles, although there are some factors in which we are traditional- he prefers to drive, i wear the dresses, etc
i think as long as all of the essential duties are fulfilled by someone, the relationship can function in a relatively healthy manner, regardless of gender constructs
I tend to jump between genders alot. Compared to most of my guy friends, I'm extremely effeminate. Compared to most trans-gendered, gay, and metro guys I know, I'm pretty masculine. I sometimes like to make "guy" jokes, but I'm also rather campy. I think I would do well in a relationship without gender constructs.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - Sounds pretty ideal to me. Our generation is supposedly the most androgynous, historically.
I think you have a point. In the opposites attract kind of way. I do think it helps for one person to be more "manly" i.e. in control? and the other to be more "feminine" i.e. not in control? lol I know I like it when my husband, on occasion, just takes charge of things. But it doesn't have to be an all the time thing either.
My fiance and I share roles. Over all though he is the dominate/masculine partner. Although he is the dominate/masculine partner is a lot more sensitive, and romantic than I am. My fiance does not fantasize about other women; he thinks its wrong. I on the other hand fantasize about other men all the time. He became very upset when i couldnt tell him when his birthday was. he also remembers anniversaries better than i do. Which sterotypically is a feminine thing to do. He seems to be dominate on the outside; but I know deep down who he is calling the shots.
I support the theory of gender roles. Best as I can classify them, you have the support role and the active role, both equal in necessity and difficulty.
I also support the idea that both Males and Females can fulfill either role in different ways. Going farther, some relationships show evidence of "swapping" roles, or sharing roles.
Society forces us to live by "the binary system", which only includes TWO genders - male and female. So when two straight people are in a relationship, they feel the need to act accordingly to their assigned gender and gender role.
However, in cases of gay, lesbian, transgendered and transsexual relationships, you can't live by the binary system.
Maybe we shouldn't look at gender roles so narrow-mindedly. In this instance, gays should not be compelled to fill a role, since they wouldn't really be living as themselves. It's not a problem if both of the guys lean toward more masculine traits or if they lean toward more feminine traits.
Everyone has their own gender identity that may not fit in with societal forms. I say that you shouldn't think about "oh, who's going to be the man in the relationship and who's gonna be the woman?", because it's trivial, and some people are gender neutral so they won't ever identify themselves as 100% male or 100% female.
The BF and I are both very strong personalities but despite the fact that I have never been meek and mild mannered, the BF definitely wears the pants in the relationship.
With us, it isn't so much about gender roles as it is this: I'm pretty agressive so dating a mild mannered man wouldn't wash. I want someone who can outpace me or at least, keep up with me.
My boyfriend and I fill our respective roles as well as some reserved roles. We balance each other out.
yeah, and they should be I think.
I completely agree its all about finding balance. I'm a bit of a control freak sometimes and I come off very strong generally so it works well to not feel in constant competition with my SO (plus why would I want to date someone just like me)? I think its definitely to each their own. I guess we all need the person that balances us out.
Luckily my boyfriend is a great cook, has taught me to do laundry, helped me clean my room.... =x I like that often I can and do wear the pants in the relationship (i hate that phrase btw) but that's just my preference I s'pose.
I think many societal gender roles are simply pieces leftover from the traditional roles that once kept us women down, that said we need protecting because we are all poor damsels in distress. Obviously if that works for you there is not reason to not fulfill such roles, however, I think it is wrong for all men to automatically assume that is how all women should be. We should have the ability to fulfill whichever role we want in this day in age. Gender roles are heteronormative
Me and my SO - were opposite
Im Masculine
He's Feminine
I think it's too early in my relationship to really place which gender roles either of us fill, but I'm already seeing a couple of patterns. I mostly hold the feminine role, he mostly holds the masculine, though we cross over in some areas (e.g., once I'm done with school, I'll have a far greater earning potential than he will).
I have seen this pattern in my previous relationships, and I think it's because my mom and dad had to take on a little of both to make our family work. My mom had a better paying job with better benefits, so she was more of the "provider" (only slightly), while my dad was able to work closer to home & make sure my brother and I got home after school, did our homework, and started dinner.
Because I was raised with such a blend between gender roles as taken on by my parents, I guess I'm not as shocked when the genders cross typical borders in relationships - you just do what you have to do to make life work.
I know gender roles shouldn't really still be around, but still, one of my girl friends definitely wears the pants in the relationship.
He even sews and cooks for her, no joke.
I guess she's very independent, and he's, well, not, so I guess that's just how their relationship works.
I don't even know if any of that made sense...
It's much harder to find guys that are both gay and masculine, especially at a younger age. People can pick out an effeminate gay man in public very easily, but there are no obvious indicators for the 'stealth gay', the masculine kind.
If I knew how to find gay guys that acted like the traditional concept of a guy, then I'd be more than happy to share.
my bf is a regular masculine guy (into biking and soccer and doing stupid shit with his friends), but he definitely cries at movies and is totally corny; he might even be more emotional than me! he's the lover and i'm the fighter, but i do have my chick moments. it's a nice mix.
point is, to find the balance that works for you :)
I think there has to be balance in a relationship, and a relationship must not be one sided.
You're friend must be looking for a ying to his yang
but im straight...i dont know
I wear the pants. I hold the staff of our relationship.
Yet I am a girl.
I'm bi, but gender roles can be irrespective of gender. Straight couples some would say, were the originators of them.
In my relationships I tend to share masculine and feminine roles with whomever I'm with -- unless we're playing around, because otherwise I don't really put alot of thought into them to claim that I bother with 'em.
I don't like gender roles if they're considered "a rule"...rigid societal views have always annoyed me. But if they just sorta happen, unique to your own relationship and are viewed casually without it being negative...then I don't dislike them.
I personally like balance. I'm too protective to be completely feminine for example, though I've always craved someone who'd want to protect me without smothering me.
My best relationships have let me protect and be protected. Which means I get to keep my balance of ying/yang myself, and who I'm with gets to find their own equilibrium while with me.
And of course, all relationships vary 'cause everyone's different and creates different chemistry!
I hate hearing the phrase, "Ohh, who's the man/woman in the relationship?" Luckily it's never been directed to me. I don't think you need the gender roles - they are largely a socal construct and sure, many people are convinced they need them or happen to fill them, but I don't think without it a relationship can't survive.
Ugh, and falling for straight girls is a problem of mine too (overly butch girls are not attractive to me either). I'm kind of andro, so maybe that fits what you're saying, but I think it's also that there are just more straight people in the world.
Well, for me, I hope to be protected by a strong man (not just physically). I am okay just to fill the traditional woman's role... But then, it's just me...